Dumped after 4.5 years

[Steve316]

Part 1 -

 

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 4.5 years, but on Tuesday 30th Jan, she decided to call it quits completely out of the blue.

 

She sent me an e-mail at work saying we need to talk - not normal for her, so I had to get her to tell me what was up as I couldn't sit worrying all day. She couldn't speak on the phone so I asked her to send me another e-mail where she told me she had realised that a mortgage / joint account etc was in fact NOT what she wanted, but she now wants to do things on her own.

 

It was actually her who pushed to speed up possible mortgage plans & she also got forms for a joint account and had me filling them in only 2 weeks ago! So, don't think I have been pushing for commitment she didn't want, quite the opposite really which makes this even more confusing?

 

I am at my wits end and don't really know what to do. She has been in touch and we have spoken a little, mostly e-mailed, and she says she knows she has made the right decision.

 

Its really hard after 4.5 years as we did almost everything together and I still think about her a lot...

 

I am unsure what my next move should be as she appears to have made up her mind.

[Steve316]

Part 2 -

 

She has spoken to a mutual friend of ours, and told him its nothing to do with me, she wants to be independent etc etc. I should also say she has been in relationships almost continuously since she was 15 (she is now 23) and has cited this as a reason too. I truly HOPE it is not because she has started fancying someone else as this would make her a liar, something I'd rather not believe.

 

But yes, 2 weeks ago, we sat and filled in the application form for the joint bank account, she even showed me her 'practice signature' including my surname! She also organised the appointment with the mortgage adviser, and then finished with me 2 DAYS before we were due to go along there. She says she knows it was her who always went on about that stuff but she has now realised that is not what she wants at all! A bitter pill for me to swallow indeed, and of course I am wondering what else she said that may not quite have been true.

 

I have been reading around and its comforting to know I am far from alone in this, its just really sad (but reality) that so many people have to go through this, and only when you have been there do you understand.

[Steve316]

I have not heard anything since the below happened just last Friday. Not really sure what to think now????...

 

Ah what a day this has been. Started off I was feeling normal but then the ex e-mailed me at work this morning. To be fair, I had forwarded her a funny e-mail yesterday (with no words from me in it). As I say, she responded this morning, commented on the funny aspect of the e-mail and asked how I was and what I had been up to. Straight away I was in a bit of panic about how to reply etc. Eventually I did reply, made a funny crack about the original e-mail, and said I was doing ok, had been out of a couple of times, but generally not been up to much. Also said I thought she had maybe thought I wasn't talking to her but I hadn't wanted to hassle her about the NC from her side.

 

So...about 3 hours later, still no reply. So then I e-mail again asking if she got my earlier reply. She e-mails back a couple of minutes later saying she didn't get it, something wrong with her e-mail and again asks how I am and what I had been up to...

 

Replied again, made some light of the fact I had e-mailed and waited on a reply etc, and basically went over the same stuff I said in the original reply.

 

Now, before I get to the next part, I should explain that we were due to go to 2 concerts (NME awards tour & Wolfmother) in the same week she finished with me. For one, she had bought 4 tickets, a pair for us, and a pair for two of my friends. For the other, I had bought a pair for just us. Because I was so cut up about things I didn't go to either concert and my two friends went to the one with the 4 tickets, and managed to sell our pair for £20 outside (they were worth £35 a pair), and they also gave ME the money for their pair. The pair for the next gig went unused as I couldn't get anyone else to go at short notice, and didn't really fancy it in the circumstances anyway...now back to the original story where the above will become relevant...

 

Again...no reply for a while, and then the phone rings (still at work at this point), I answer and its her. It felt strange to hear her voice again. Anyway, she just asked how I was, if I was going out tonight etc. Then, not long into the call she starts asking about the money from my friends for the tickets. I said I had the money and she asked what I was going to do with it. I said I didn't know as they only got £20 for our pair, and the other pair of tickets for the other concert had not even been used in the end (worth £33). She seemed to accept that I was going to keep the money but I was a bit hacked off and felt that this was like the REAL reason she had called She also asked if I had thought about the dog (her mum bought a dog which we basically described as 'ours' and he stayed over at mine most weekends, along with her) as she is basically asking if I still want to see him!! Now of course I DO, but clearly this is a crazy idea!! Additionally, I think she might just be seeing me and my parents as some free dogsitting service when she and her family are out on weekends! In the end I said we should have this whole talk later as I was at work - the call lasted about 2 mins at the most.

 

Overall, she sounded totally different on the phone, like she wasn't bothered for talking to me. She also said she was going out to a 21st birthday tonight so couldn't call me tonight and although I expected she would be off out, I still feel and jealous about it!

 

A bit of a setback!!

[kate111]

My situation was similar to yours Steve ie sudden and without warning.

 

Has she definitely said it's final?

 

Apparently the best thing is to do no contact for now. See how you go, give her time to miss you.

 

Sounds like she has commitment issues to me. Perhaps she feels too young to settle down.

[SadOldMan]

Steve316: I feel for you. Most on here are going through similar things your are. My ex (who's still living in the house) told me just after xmas she'd had enough. 7 years living together, 12 years since meeting. We hardly speak. We just exist in a weird limbo word.

I don't have any real advice for you. I'm sorry. I found sNotAlone a great comfort to me since I found it. I hope you do too.

[Steve316]

My situation was similar to yours Steve ie sudden and without warning.

 

Has she definitely said it's final?

 

Apparently the best thing is to do no contact for now. See how you go, give her time to miss you.

 

Sounds like she has commitment issues to me. Perhaps she feels too young to settle down.

 

Yeah, I think it has come down to the settling down thing in the end, but I wasn't the one pushing the issue, I was happy to let things run as they were (although living at home with parents is getting to be a bit restrictive despite the many benefits!) but I was happy to go ahead with a mortgage. I would've moved in with her in a flash, but it was really the money issue that was getting to me. Here in Edinburgh house prices are pretty crazy (2nd most expensive after London I believe) so it was not going to be easy.

 

She said in an e-mail soon after that she feels it's the right decision etc. Yeah I am going to stick to NC, but I have all the usual worries - what's she doing, who is she with, does she still care...? etc etc.

 

It is just so weird after 4.5 years that we have not even sat down and talked since the break up!!

[macgyver4ever]

I was in a 4 year relationship that ended much the same. Out of no where. She had cold feet, a lot of guilt from cheating on me a few months earlier, and a new guy in the picture. We got back together, but it was never the same. She was no longer committed to me, and it fizzled away. She officially ended things with me last night. Hopefully she will get things figured out while she is away, but right now we don't need each other.

 

Good luck with everything. PLay it cool, and when you do talk to her, don't push her. I pushed and tried to find out her problems etc, and it made it worse.

 

If you get back together, relationship counseling may help with cold feet, and improve communication, but you can't force her into it. I did that as well, and she gave up even though we were making progress.

 

Keep your chin up.

[kate111]

Mine moved out a few days later when I wasn't there. No real talk about the relationship after 3 years either.

 

It's really disrespectful for them to end things that way. It's cruel.

 

Try not to think of the ex. They have gone already and there is nothing you can do.

 

If they didn't appreciate you then hopefully there will be someone better out there who will. Someone who was truly into you wouldn't risk losing you like that. This is the harsh reality (I can't bear it at times either!).

 

I'm not sure if we can recommend books here but I found the book "It's called a break up because it's Broken" to be helpful.

[Steve316]

Mine moved out a few days later when I wasn't there. No real talk about the relationship after 3 years either.

 

It's really disrespectful for them to end things that way. It's cruel.

 

Try not to think of the ex. They have gone already and there is nothing you can do.

 

If they didn't appreciate you then hopefully there will be someone better out there who will. Someone who was truly into you wouldn't risk losing you like that. This is the harsh reality (I can't bear it at times either!).

 

I'm not sure if we can recommend books here but I found the book "It's called a break up because it's Broken" to be helpful.

 

'Disrespect' is a word that keeps coming into my mind when I think about what she has done too. Especially after all this time and all that we did together you know? Although we never got to the living together stage (we did live together for 10 months when travelling a couple of years back though), our lives revolved around each other a lot of the time (not ALL of the time in an unhealthy way I must stress) and I thought we were comfortable with that.

 

Even from reading her e-mail to break up you would think she would be the type who would have kept in touch. Every text / e-mail she has sent has said 'how are you?', and I respond, but there is never a follow up. This time, after part 3 above, I have heard nothing and I am determined not to contact her first this time.

 

I really did think she was into me, and I know she WAS, but its hard to accept those feelings may have disappeared. I had planned my life with this girl, we had discussed kids names, wedding songs etc etc. Hard to bear really.

[kate111]

It is hard Steve.

 

I can't believe I am giving advice here when 2 weeks ago I was curled up on the floor sobbing in immense physical pain.

 

I don't think you should email her.

 

From what I have been reading unfortunately when someone dumps you they have already left you, they don't want to hear from you at all. They are anxious to close that chapter of their life and move onto other things. The only reason they would reply is out of guilt or obligation.

 

The sad thing is that after the dumper feels guilt they go through a period of relief. Pretty hard to accept eh?

 

So don't contact her for at least 60 days. Or let her contact you.

 

I'm scared my ex will just never contact me again. Oh well.

[Steve316]

It is hard Steve.

 

I can't believe I am giving advice here when 2 weeks ago I was curled up on the floor sobbing in immense physical pain.

 

I don't think you should email her.

 

From what I have been reading unfortunately when someone dumps you they have already left you, they don't want to hear from you at all. They are anxious to close that chapter of their life and move onto other things. The only reason they would reply is out of guilt or obligation.

 

The sad thing is that after the dumper feels guilt they go through a period of relief. Pretty hard to accept eh?

 

So don't contact her for at least 60 days. Or let her contact you.

 

I'm scared my ex will just never contact me again. Oh well.

 

Yeah, she did mention the dreaded words of "I've been thinking this way since before New Year..." - oh very comforting huh? So I've been strung along for AT LEAST a month, probably longer??

 

She claimed she still loved me, was devastated, was crying while typing the e-mail out etc, but now just 2 weeks later, it seems like all of that was just nonsense / lies!

 

I am also scared she will never contact again, but that just comes from the faint hope that she'll realise her 'mistake' and somehow come running back. You never know, but I won't be holding my breath on that one, despite how hard it is.

 

Anyway, off to bed now but keep the replies coming, I will no doubt be back here tomorrow evening!

 

Take care Kate, and others.

 

Steve

[Cyprian]

She has spoken to a mutual friend of ours, and told him its nothing to do with me, she wants to be independent etc etc. I should also say she has been in relationships almost continuously since she was 15 (she is now 23) and has cited this as a reason too. I truly HOPE it is not because she has started fancying someone else as this would make her a liar, something I'd rather not believe.

 

Hey Steve.

 

I don't want to scare you, but that is EXACTLY what my girlfriend told me - she wanted some space and to be independent for once in her life. We had been dating for 7 years, almost married...

 

She wanted independence...riiiiight...a week later I found evidence that she had been cheating on me for 6 months.

 

If I were you I would talk to her and tell her that all the years together, all the communication, all the time spent holding each other is worth at least an explanation. Tell her to tell you the truth one last time...maybe she is telling the truth, but you never know.

[Steve316]

Hey Steve.

 

I don't want to scare you, but that is EXACTLY what my girlfriend told me - she wanted some space and to be independent for once in her life. We had been dating for 7 years, almost married...

 

She wanted independence...riiiiight...a week later I found evidence that she had been cheating on me for 6 months.

 

If I were you I would talk to her and tell her that all the years together, all the communication, all the time spent holding each other is worth at least an explanation. Tell her to tell you the truth one last time...maybe she is telling the truth, but you never know.

 

It's a scary thought but 6 months of cheating is highly unlikely I if she wasn't with me, I pretty much knew where she was. BUT, in the last month or so...hmmm, perhaps not as much, more going out with friends etc etc so who knows.

 

However, she did say "I swear you have done nothing wrong and nobody else comes into it" in her e-mail that ended it. I'd rather believe that, than there being someone else. Also, if there was someone else, her entire reasoning for breaking up would be a complete lie - I'm sorry you had to find that out, I can only hope that doesn't happen to me as it would be like breaking up all over again, only I would be really really angry too.

[macgyver4ever]

I've heard that one before. When my ex ended it with me the first time back in Sept., she said there was no one else. I even asked about the guy by name and she said no. I found out a week and a half later that she had feelings for him and he had tried to kiss her. We were already back together so I let it go as long as she cut it off with him. She said she would but never did. Eventually they got to a point where she liked him enough to finally kick me to the curb.

 

What a sweetheart, right?

 

Be patient with her, give her the space she needs, and do not push her. If she comes back, think about counseling to help resolve whatever issues might be going on. I waited too long for counseling, and it did not help.

 

Best of luck. I have only been dumped for a day and I am already starting to gain strength.

[Steve316]

I'm 6 days into the NC, tomorrow will be 1 week which will be the longest we have not communicated for in the entire 4.5 years, in fact we are probably at that stage now. I am losing hope gradually with each day that passes but I guess that's a good thing if there is none.

 

I had a pretty bad day with my paranoia today but I am trying to keep it out of my mind. If she could do that to me (see someone else, or even jump straight over to someone else) then I guess the break up was right. I still have regrets about not doing this / that / and the next thing, but its too late, and I was never given a chance to address anything I did wrong anyway - we never had any serious discussion about any doubts etc etc. So, I take from that there was probably nothing I could've done anyway.

 

Sorry to hear of your story macgyver, good to hear you are not doing too badly, it sounds like a tough one to take.