young_Post Marital Depression

[young_wife]

hello all. happy valentine's day. i'm a 20yr old female, been married for a little under 6months. i'm miserable and i hate it. it's sad because i'm living with this everyday, everyone thinks everything is great including my husband but inside i'm dying.

 

on a day like today, when it should be happy, i'm not. it's our first valentine's but it's like i try and avoid every waking moment with him. at night, i can't even sleep. it's like i lie in that bed thinking what did i do? why am i here?

 

i just needed to vent, so i apologize if anyone is disturbed by my comments.

i guess the worse part of this is that i can't get out the relationship so all i can do is talk about it to people who don't know me and will hopefully understand and make living with this easier. thanks.

[Dako]

Why would you stay married if it's so bad?

What could possibly force you to stay?

[caro33]

Agree with Dako, and I'm also interested to know how you got to be here, feeling like this.

 

Has it come on recently? Did you have qualms before you married?

 

What is at the root of your fears and upset youngwife?

 

Some people do leave marriages within 12 months, look at all those celebrities! My own husband left his previous marriage just on the 12 month mark. People make mistakes, it's life. Not easy, but you are not actually trapped.

 

And welcome to ENA, nice to have you around .

[Northalius]

hello all. happy valentine's day. i'm a 20yr old female, been married for a little under 6months. i'm miserable and i hate it. it's sad because i'm living with this everyday, everyone thinks everything is great including my husband but inside i'm dying.

 

on a day like today, when it should be happy, i'm not. it's our first valentine's but it's like i try and avoid every waking moment with him. at night, i can't even sleep. it's like i lie in that bed thinking what did i do? why am i here?

 

i just needed to vent, so i apologize if anyone is disturbed by my comments.

i guess the worse part of this is that i can't get out the relationship so all i can do is talk about it to people who don't know me and will hopefully understand and make living with this easier. thanks.

 

Were you pushed to marry this guy without being 100% sure?

 

Was he a different person before you got married?

 

What's so bad about being married to him?

 

Have you thought about going to a counselor to speak with about this?

 

All isn't lost!

[young_wife]

thanks to all for ur reply. i was extremely hesitant about doing it before and called it off but we agreed to give it a shot, so here i am.

 

i just feel really bad becaus he loves me very much. i love him but i dont want to be in this relationship. the reason i can't get out is because it's too complicated, its easier to live like this, as bad as it sounds, then to have to split up.

 

i try to take everyday calm, and see if things get better but honestly, i don't want them to. i don't want to be in this. i know what i need to do, and i need to get out of it, but i can't, not yet at least, it's too soon and it would be too messy. and like i said, he loves me and i feel bad leaving him like this.

 

i know i sound like an idiot and many of u would want to slap me or knock some sense into me but its a tough situation to be in. i'm glad i found this forum so i can vent. i'm seeing a therapist and she says i need to leave.

[Dako]

I'm sure every marriage is pretty complicated, but it's your life.

 

If this guy loves you, he'd want you to be happy.

My wife was unhappy while I loved her completely. When she told me she wanted out, I agreed with her choice.

 

Marriage isn't a prison sentence, but an agreement between two willing people. PLease don't give up on yourself.

[luvursmile]

Its not fair to your husband that you stay with him when you feel like this, especially because he seems like a nice guy and he loves you.

 

If you are really so unhappy, talk to him. Maybe he can go to therapy with you or something. Im sure he wouldnt force you to stay with him if he knew how you felt.

 

Did you ever love him?

[young_wife]

yea i loved him. we dated for 3 years before we married and were engaged for 1 year of those 3 years.

 

about 8 months before the wedding is when i started to go downhill and i've been down ever since. it just kills me to have to even remotely suggest anything to him about me being unhappy. it's like everyone else is happy for me except me.

[Dako]

What do you daydream about as an alternative to this?

[young_wife]

i daydream of being happy because i'm not and can't remember the last time i was. being single. living my life to the fullest at my young age. just doing a lot of things that i can't do now and won't get the chance to do with him.

 

he's the only man i've ever been with. so i've had no other sexual expericene with anyone ever. perhaps meeting other people which i've already done but i've never cheated, and don't think i'd be able to as much as i'd want to.

[Dako]

You don't need to cheat. That's the worst way to cope with unhappiness.

You may think you'v entered an impossible situation and there's no way out, but believe me, it's just a feeling.

I'm glad you have a therapist to help you, and folks here can help you as well.

 

Some people get swept up with social pressures to marry or stay in a sad marriage. Don't let it take over your life.

It's the only life you have.

[young_wife]

Dako, i really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. thank you. i'm glad i can come here and express myself w/o being judged. I'll keep posting periodically and will hopefully be able to say one day that I've liberated myself. But for now I'm a prisoner in my own home. Thank you tho. Valentine's day was horrible. I feel so wrong for being in this lie. But hey, all one can do is hope things will get better. Obviously I have to do something but I hope I'll have the strength to do so.

[Dako]

I was married for 26 years and she decided it was over.

I've moved on and found life quite sweet. I know you can too, but you might need help to get there.

You deserve happiness.

[ghost69]

well, you should listen to your therapist. GET OUT NOW. you will just become more and more miserable and make his life worse as well. you seem young an i wouldn't say inexperienced, but like you haven't gone out much an partied, dated, etc. you need to work on yourself before trying to please someone else. that comes later. too many people get married so early on and young these days. i'm 27 and don't feel like getting married anytime soon. i'm glad i didn't earlier too, because i'd feel like you do. trust me. i've felt trapped and smothered before. the sooner you leave the sooner you will feel like you can breath again. the whole married concept sounds so good to people in their early 20s and younger because the concept seems so grown up. from what i've seen marriage is very tough. you need to find someone that you can live with. someone you find attractive and makes you laugh, etc. but most importantly puts up with you. it's hard to find all of that.

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[Lillyana]

I feel the same and it's the most awful feeling in the world. I cried nearly every day on my honeymoon. I woke up almost having panic attacks. I felt I was dreaming that I was married and when I woke up and realised it was true I felt devastated. I don't know why. I'm 38 and can only feel that it is because I have been single for so long and feel that my independence has gone and to a certain extent, my freedom as well. I haven't got a person in the world who I can tell face to face. Mum asked if our Wedding was the best day of my life and I said yes, but truly, it wasn't. Part of the root of my gripe is that we had agreed no children/babies at the Wedding apart from the immediate Wedding party who are all 12 - 17 apart from my six year old niece. I did not want any babies or young children. They will not remember the day, they are disruptive and it is boring for them. Then my husbands sister in law had a protest and stired up the sister in New Zealand. Who, after saying she didn't want to come, now decided that she was going to. And she had to bring her two year old daughter or wouldn't come. I was being emotionally blackmailed. What could I do? His mother would never forgive me if I refused. If she had said she could come in the first place, all the children would have been invited and catered for properly with entertainment and nannies etc in a separate room. My parents had already written letters of apology explaining the no children situation to our family and friends. We would have had in excess of 45 children had they all been invited and call me what you like, but 45 children is too many. For the love of my husband I gave in, and he promised me faithfully that his sister had said she would sit at the back of the cermony and if her daughter so much as squeaked, would take her outside straight away. Unfortunately, she went against her promise and sat one row from the front with a lunch box the size of a workmans tool kit with raisins and goodness knows what else. A small box of Sunmaid would have done! Then the child yelled, and yelled again and then screached and screached a bit more. Sadly the same thing happened again in the speaches. She was running around while we were having dinner, but the worst was the noise she made while my Dad gave his speach. My Dad's proudest moment and she started. My friends all knew how against having children I was and I could feel the tension in the room as they all froze with sympathy. She eventually took her out followed by the sister in law. My husband had very few guests at our Wedding and two of the adult ones were out of the room. I feel so betrayed. I am furious with myself that I went against my better judgement. It was our special day and our wishes should have been respected. I feel like their wishes were more important than mine. I feel terribly let down and when I said I would never forgive him.... I MEANT IT!!!! Like most girls it was going to be my dream day. I hadn't gone over the top with anything, we made our own cake and our own stationery, but it was my dream and it was ruined by two jealous mother earths having a protest, who's wishes were put before my own. Every time I see or hear anything about Weddings my stomach churns and I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't done it. We only married in December 2006. The honeymoon was in January and I still feel fed up. I look at him and even though I know he loves me, I see him as completely spineless. The only person he ever seems to stand up to is me. His mother supported our decision until his sister wanted to come and she was stirred up by the sister in law that lives here, who up until we announced our engagement, I got on with very well. The sister in New Zealand wouldn't have even known children weren't invited if the one here hadn't opened her big stirring mouth to purposely cause trouble. She tried with my friend who has twins and failed and decided to go one better. To me, the whole foundation has broken down. A family that I looked forward to being a part of have bullied me and shown their true selfish colours. I still make an effort with his parents, because even though they showed a lack of support, I can see their point of view, but I hope I never see his sister or the sister in law again.

[Dako]

You hate marriage because of the stresses of your wedding day?

Many people endure the conflicts of the wedding, but still go on to have good marriages. You married your husband, not his family.

You need to vent to someone about your resentment and get sorted out.

[young_wife]

hello all. i still haven't been able to put an end to my misery but am hoping i will. but i have some updates. don't know if they're good but i wish to comment about them.

 

i met someone. a very nice guy whom i share many interests with, particularly in the area of our careers. i've known him for a long time through a mutual friend but we were never friends. we've been talking for about a month now and things seemed to move pretty fast in a very odd way. he blatantly asked me if i was happy in my marriage because apparently i'm quite transparent and obviously unhappy to the world because everyone but my husband seems to realize i'm uhappy. anyway, in the short amount of time, i opened up to him. i don't know if that was a mistake since there is an attraction between us, but he states though he likes me, he wants to help me and wishes to see me happy. he says he expects nothing of me and is not waiting for me to get a divorce so that he can be next in line. he claims he wants to just help me find happiness.

 

i'm pretty caught up with him, although i made it clear from the beginning that nothing was going to happen and as much as i was interested or attracted to him, things were going to remain strictly friendship. but we talk everyday and i see him all the time. he is very on top of things with me and is constantly concerned for my well being.

 

this just kind of adds to the pot. i haven't been happy for a while but i don't want this person to cloud my judgement. things are so bad for me now that everyone around me is now asking what is wrong with me. my mother is very concerned. and as we all know, mothers always know best, they have that instinct where they just know.

 

her argument is that he loves me very much and i should not throw away a relationship simply because i'm not happy, which obviously is ridiculous. she says that "there are many people whom we can love, but very few who can love us." it's stupid to look at things that way i know, but i feel like she's more worried than anyone about this. yet i have not spoken a word to her about anything, this is what she says not knowing a thing.

 

sorry about the long message, just wanted to post the update but i wanted to comment on this new person/confusion in my life. i like him because he understands my career goals, and is motivating me to pursue my lifelong career dream of being a doctor which my spouse does not support nor thinks i'd be successful in doing.

 

so thats the story. i'll add a few more details at a later date because this message is already much too long. thanks again all

[ghost69]

well, this guy wants to get with you. unless he is gay. your situation sucks. people around you can see it in your face too. you need to get out. this guy can help you, but you can't have any relation with him. that is for later. that is his motive though. if he wasn't the slightest bit interested in hooking up with you, he wouldn't be helping. i hope you find your way in life.

 

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[young_wife]

thanks ghost for your thoughts. haha, he's not gay but this guy claims he's just helping me and wants to see me happy, which at this point i may believe is true because he's dealing with relationship issues of his own.

 

He's stuck between two girls whom he dated in the past but neither are exactly what he wants, and according to him, i'm the perfect match because i have all these wonderful qualities all in one that both lack. however, he's in love with these two girls and can't decide which way to go. and he decided to throw in the fact that i'm not even an option, we're just each other's "escape" which really threw me off, unless he's just saying that so i don't cloud my judgement from his comments.

 

but i like him a lot. when he confided in me and told me the issues he was having I have to admit I was a little upset, but the reality is I have to take care of my own situation before I get myself into another one.

 

he's been great in trying to help me deal with this and i'm afraid i'm falling for him. but the good thing is i'm trying to get out my marriage soon, like within the next few weeks because my spring break is coming up and i want to go away from this area (nyc) for a while to clear my thoughts and come back start fresh.

 

thanks again all. hope every1 is well and God bless.

 

young_wife

[ghost69]

well, he could just be saying he is torn between these 2 women to sympathize with you. he might be hinting at "hey, if we both get through this we can be together". he hasn't flat out told you, but i bet that is what he is thinking.

 

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[Dako]

youngwife,

 

He may just be a helpful guy, but you must be receptive tor some attention right now. Be careful about letting your emotions complicate things.

[young_wife]

i did it. i said i wanted out and he left. i will update further as the days progress. thank you all for ur help.

[Dako]

That must be hard to do, but in the long run you''ll be free to live as you please.

[ghost69]

good job. don't go running to this other guy though.

[jedifairy]

Based on my marriage I can understand how hard that must have been for you. But I congraulate you on being strong enough to do what is best for yourself. I hope this brings everything you want and need but I agree with ghost69. Now is the time to be with yourself. Good luck