I want her; he has her, but doesn't seem to deserve her

[O_Draconian_Devil]

Alright…Before I bore you all with my tale of woe, I’ll bore you with back round information:

 

I’ve got it bad for this girl. We met last September, but only started getting closer last December. So we’ve only been close for 2 or so months. Well she’s always talking about this guy she’s known for 3 years, over the internet and phone. They’ve met twice before, and she says she’s in love with him. As far as I know they were together most of September and October, then suddenly they broke up. I guess they’ve been on and off for the past year…So instead of talking about him all the time, she suddenly started talking about a classmate of ours. But whenever she talked about the classmate I always got the sense she was trying to push thoughts of the 3 year guy away, trying to banish him from memory or something. I asked her about it and she got way defensive, so I didn’t bring him up again or anything. Well, her and the classmate ended up going out for a total of 2 weeks. I knew they wouldn’t go very long, her and him don’t click in a relationship; more of a friends with benefit way. After that she and I started getting closer, she ended up telling me more about the 3 year guy.

 

Well…They’re together again. Ever since we met in Sep. this guy seems to always be in the front of her mind, she’s always thinking of him and missing him and all this. I hate seeing it, I’ve got it bad for her, but I don’t want a girl who’s pining for another guy by my side. I want the girl by my side to be pining for me, lol. But anyway, we were talking a while back and I ask her how things are with the 3 year guy and this flicker of sadness goes over her face before she grins and says, “Fabulously.” After a little poking and prodding she tells me that things don’t seem the same. She tells me she feels like she’s the only one pining, the only one constantly thinking of the other, the only one missing and babbling to everyone who would listen about the other...

 

So what should I do? As the guy on the side who’s secretly pining after her, and thinks he can give her what this guy isn’t, how should I go about advising her?

[heloladies21]

It's confusing to me the reason why so many guys use this method of basically befriending a girl in order to get her romantically. It must be something in the media that pushes guys towards this misguided method.

 

As a man, why would you want to hear about her other men and problems in her romance life? This is the last thing I want to hear about when I'm interested in a girl. If a chick brings it up, end that subject and start a new one. Most of the time I openly challange her on bringing it up.

 

This is a common test girls do to see if you are romance material or if they should put you in the friendzone. The natural reaction is healthy jealousy which lets her know of your intentions. So drop the friend act and never try this route again. It will only lead to your doom.

 

Let her know you see her more than a friend then see whatshe says. But if she's not interested, then she never will be and it's best to drop her entirely so you can free up your time and heart for someone else.

[friscodj]

So what should I do? As the guy on the side who’s secretly pining after her, and thinks he can give her what this guy isn’t, how should I go about advising her?

 

Hey bro,

 

I can tell you with near 100% certainty that this is going to end in heartbreak for you. You are the guy "on the side" providing her comfort and support for her other relationship endeavors with the intention of generating feelings of love in her heart for you. Meanwhile, she is hung up on this other guy and talks to you about other guys besides him. She's already associated you with this support-type role and you are providing this to her not only with your ulterior motive but precluding her from giving anything in return. You might at some point share an intimate emotional moment with her when she is vulnerable, but it will be short lived.

 

This is not a dead end street...it is a road that ends at the edge of an emotional cliff...

 

So what should you do? Keep going with this a while longer and learn the lesson I learned around your age by doing what you are doing. The gift of discovery and wisdom here is way more valuable than this one instance with this one woman...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you have 'waited' through 2 other guys, and that is long enough. You might give it a shot, and tell her how you feel, that you want to date her, not be 'best buddies' with her... she's either going to agree to go out with you, or tell you she is not interested in dating you.

 

As hard as it is to hear the 'just friends' speech, it is better for you to hear it so you can put it to rest and go find someone who does want to date you. and if this one does want to date you when you tell her that, then great...

 

but really no reward in being her shoulder to cry on other than feeling continual loss, jealousy and disappointment. it's like ripping a band-aid off fast, better to just tell her you want to date or you're out. there are plenty of other friends out there for you (and her) that don't require you being miserable to maintain the friendship.

[friscodj]

This is good. The only potential issue here is that you'll confront her and she won't give you the "just friends" speech. It has been my experience that pinning your hopes and directions with this on her decision can lead you to emotionally painful places.

 

So go for your answer here for sure. One way other the other you'll be freed. But be cognizant of an unsure answer from her. In fact, I expect such to be the most likely answer she will give you. She may sense she might lose what you are providing to her if she doesn't reciprocate or your expression of feelings for her might elicit some in her, at least at the time you express them. It takes a certain level of maturity and wisdom to see the truth behind a situation like this when you are in it and I'm not so sure she has that.

 

Just be careful, that's what I'm saying. Don't give all control of this situation and subsequently your emotional well-being and happiness to her. Use this wisdom we've given you here when you approach her and be ready for an unexpected answer. Likewise, be ready to make the decision yourself to make distance from this if you receive anything less than surety that she has feelings for you and wants to be with you as you do for her.

[O_Draconian_Devil]

I hear what y'all are saying, and thanks for giving me some advice about this...I'm thinking I'll tell her how I feel this weekend, we're going to go see Pan's Labyrinth, though she's already seen it. Then afterwards we're going back to her place for desert, so I'll tell her then. But to clarify, I didn't befriend her to get her romantically. We were friends for a month or so before any feelings developed.

 

Heloladies: Some of what you said made sense, but the ending threw me off. Drop her entirely in a romantic sense, or just...entirely? I'm certainly not dropping her as a friend just because she doesn't return my feelings, that's...Well, idiotic.

 

But thanks you guys again, I suppose we'll see what happens on Saturday.

[Northalius]

I agree with helloladies when it comes to totally dropping her if she doesn't want to be romantically involved with you.

 

1) As said before, it's going to free up time for you to find someone that does want you romantically.

 

2) In the back of your mind, your feelings for her will just continually grow the more you're with her, and it'll never be "just friends" again.

 

3) It'll always be in the back of her mind that you see her like this, and in light of that, she'll most likely withhold certain information from you, as compared to if you were simply friends.

 

Well, just my opinion, anyway. Nothing's impossible! So, it's all up to you to test it out and see, or not.