Sleeping with an ex backfired . . . *sigh*

[confused25]

Ok, I've made the biggest mistake of my life by sleeping with my ex when we are not even back together. Actually, a month ago HE was the one who pleaded with me to get back with him, but I told him no at the time because I was scared that he'd break my heart again. So we agreed to take things slow by just "hanging out" and see how it goes. So that went on for a month and finally I decided that I am ready to give it 100% and get back with him. But this time, he was the one being hesitant about it because he had gotten so "comfortable" with our current status. So I asked him point blank if he still loves me or not . . . and guess what he told me? He said "I really care deeply about you and have really strong feelings towards you, but I can't say that until I can be 100% sure." What the heck? Before we broke up he used to tell me he loves me all the time! How can he tell me he wants to get back with me and can't admit to me that he loves me?? I feel so USED!! It's my own fault for using me as a doormat and letting him step all over me. I had thought that this was actually going somewhere. Needless to say, after he said that to me, I walked out of the door. I still feel so mad at myself over the whole thing though . . .

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

Who ended the rels first? Also don't blame yourself for what happened. I know you probably feel crappy right now but what happened has already. You can't feel too mad at yourself - it just happened between the both of you!

 

It's also understandable that your ex said those things. Remember rels and 100% ones take time. When you both broke up everything changed. He does not owe you anything, and you don't owe him anything either.

 

Look at it this way, when you were first dating, I bet you both slept together but didn't "love" each other yet. This is the same. You're going to have to get to know each other from the start again. Everything that happened before the break is history now.

 

It's up to you whether you take things slow again or dust this rels/episode off. What do you want?

 

Hugs x

[rnorth]

Okay confused25 - take a deep breath and relax. Saying you love someone right after sex is easy; the emotions and hormones are running high and you feel very close to that person. With that in mind, I think he gave you a very thoughtful and honest answer. Perhaps he didn't want you to think that he was only telling you he loves you because you both just had sex? Also, given the context that he has probably been pining over you all this time, he may be protecting his own heart right now.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way but I think you are overreacting. My guess is that he does love you but his case falls somewhere into the scenario I described above. Be gentle with him; he actually sends pretty tender-hearted and wants to protect himself a bit given someone of the pain he has felt recently in your breakup.

[Parsley]

I agree with rnorth - so many things can be said right after or during sex that you don't mean, but what has just happened kinda mucks up yor perception. I would be happy that he wasn't jumping right back in where he left off - it seems that he's taking this very seriously, and wants to be honest with you. If it were me in his situation, I wouldn't want to say that I loved you, even if I did. I really would be too scared that you thought I was just saying it because I thought I should.

[confused25]

But he was the one who broke things off in the first place because he didn't think we are "compatible" enough. I still love him despite the fact that he broke up with me. So if he were the one who wanted to make up with me, that would mean that he still had feelings for me and loved me, so what changed his mind?

[lady00]

But he was the one who broke things off in the first place because he didn't think we are "compatible" enough. I still love him despite the fact that he broke up with me. So if he were the one who wanted to make up with me, that would mean that he still had feelings for me and loved me, so what changed his mind?

 

I think it's the whole back-and-forth thing that's messing with you both. First you wanted him back then he wanted to then you weren't sure now he isn't sure? Well I think maybe that is what has thrown so much uncertainty into the mix. It's hard to regain enough trust to fall for someone after so much back-and-forth. But it's not impossible. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about here...he told you how he really feels...this is tough for him...tough for you to. Why not keep talking to him and see how things go? I think maybe you had unrealistic expectations and that's why you feel it backfired. Maybe take a step back and tone down the intimacy and emphasize open communication between you two. If you feel badly after having sex, don't do it until you're ready and you both have the same expectations. Good luck. I really hope things work out for you!

[hades]

First off, you broke up with him. Both of you had to reevaluate everything. Part of reevalutating is value. I know i don't spell right. He's gotta see if he values you and your relastionship and love.

 

Here is the thing. You can lie, which will screw things up even more, or your can avoid the question or give an honest answer. Right now the guy is in a good place. Accept that. He needs to streighten out his feelings. If he was using you, he would of told you he loves you. It's easy to lie, it's hard to tell the truth.

[lady00]

First off, you broke up with him. Both of you had to reevaluate everything. Part of reevalutating is value. I know i don't spell right. He's gotta see if he values you and your relastionship and love.

 

Here is the thing. You can lie, which will screw things up even more, or your can avoid the question or give an honest answer. Right now the guy is in a good place. Accept that. He needs to streighten out his feelings. If he was using you, he would of told you he loves you. It's easy to lie, it's hard to tell the truth.

 

He broke up with her. A lot of this makes sense though regardless of who broke up with whom. This is a time of uncertainty to figure out each other's feelings and see where things go. Just try to go with it and talk openly and honestly with him at all stages about what you both want and expect.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

First of all you need to calm down and realize you brought this on yourself. You never give anyone the goods for free then expect then to want to pay for it. Life and relationships shouldnt be a game but sometimes you need to play hard to get to really see if the other person values you. You were just so infatuated with dude that you equated sex to love and unfortuanately sex does not make someone love you. Learn to be emotionally intimate with your partner before you get to physical side. I suggest you tell him how you feel, and if he tries to get some tell him to go jack off or something.