How to avoid getting spooked

[rosie76]

Anyone have any good tips on dealing with getting spooked by starting to fall for someone? Having a great time the last few weeks, but the more I'm sure I like him the more vulnerable I feel and with that my confidence wanes making me feel more vulnerable still... and repeat until done. We've had a clear-headed talk and I think we're both on the same page of really enjoying the time, trying not to expect too much, and feeling a bit vulnerable about it due to past experience. That should reassure me, but instead I find myself wanting to pack my marbles and go home. Any advice?

[robowarrior]

Ehm no ,that's not how you do it.

 

If you do something in your life go for GOLD!!! Although you should be like a castle gate and close yourself to bad people/things/events, you shouldn't be your own worst enemy in achieving your goals. Just ask him out directly in his face if you like him, don't stop yourself , you have nothing to lose, since you don't have him already it means you have no, and you might get yes by asking him out.

[caro33]

Rosie I got spooked too, and it worked out. Actually I am married and pregnant now and still getting spooked, but I guess it's actually easier because it's just too late to pack up my toys and run! I don't mean to sound flippant - I adore my husband and know it was the right decision in every possible way. But that doesn't mean that Scared Inner Caro doesn't come out sometimes still.

 

It's stating the bleeding obvious and not terribly helpful I know, but I think that there's no 'cure'. You're just going to be ready to relax when you're ready to relax. I suggest you make sure you always make time for yourself, and don't focus on the relationship too much. Let it grow without any forcing, and if it's going too fast, do not be afraid to express your need for some alone time. As you see he's trustworthy over time you should relax in increments.

[rosie76]

Cheers, Caro.

 

Do think a wee bit less time together might be in order just to have the time to not think about what is or isn't happening. Is frustrating being aware that I'm feeling/making problems where there are none due to insecurity but still being unable to stop it.

 

Nice to know things have worked out well for you despite intial spookiness. Did you talk to your husband about it, or just keep quiet until it all seemed less spooky?

[caro33]

I spoke to my husband about aspects of it, but left some of my middle of the night terrors to myself because I didn't want to upset him.

 

It may be me rationalising my behaviour too much, but I do think that if managed well, this situation can be a positive thing. I think some people sail far too easily into relationships for the wrong reasons, and don't question themselves or their needs. If you think this stuff through and try to be fair to you and to him, you might find you end up much more comfortable and sure of your decision than many others might be.

[rosie76]

That's a really positive way to think about it, and probably largely true. Might apply better to longer running relationship spookiness, though, as I think I might be in the bit which requires confidence and hope rather than decision-making.

 

I'm only at the very very earliest stages of knowing this guy. Several weeks in and at that first transition from just spending lots of time with someone new to beginning to be fond of him. As soon as I started thinking I might like him, I started feeling strongly that I want to cut my losses even though there's no indication whatsoever that there are any losses to cut.

 

It's really too early for it to be reasonable for me to feel scared. It's unlike me, and think it's just down to a lack of confidence after several years of being in a really hurtful relationship. I'd most like to know how to get my feelings under control so it doesn't effect what is essentially a very nice thing with this guy.

[caro33]

I actually disagree that it's too early to be scared. It may seem stupid or unwarranted, but hey, it's how you feel. It may well be because this feels like it counts.

 

BTW when I said "decision" i meant your decision to just be there (with him). I also meant everything from the smallest to the largest matter about being there. For me, it was the decision to spend all weekend, and then later, to book a holiday together that he was keen on. I was really panicky about making plans in case it ended or I wanted to get out.

 

It would be as simple as the decision to NOT go get a taxi straight away in the middle of the night and leave because I felt panicky. Just to give it some deep breaths and realise he's lovely and I'm overreacting. And sometimes it WAS the decision to get into a taxi and leave because my freakout was too great to put him through. Better to make an excuse and then go away and let it out when I was alone.

 

I'm not sure there's an answer about how to get feelings under control except for:

 

(a) trying to not ignore them;

(b) rationalising around them "this one date tonight won't break me", "whatever happens I can handle it";

© giving yourself space and chances to escape so that you don't feel trapped;

(d) positive self-talk that you were fine before you met him, you'll be fine if he's not around; and

(e) make sure your actions are always fair to him as well as to you.

 

I think that after a while you will probably feel better, but there's no point trying to control feelings right now other than to put some boundaries in place and trying to have a little faith from there.