Help with trust

[veneratio]

About a year ago my girlfriend cheated on me, she didn't tell me until maybe 7 or 8 months after which didn't help the situation. Ever since this I haven't been able to trust her and it causes us to argue. She works with mostly guys and I'm ok with that, it's a job, but she gets asked to go out and do things sometimes and it bothers me. I try to ignore it, and I don't say anything about it, but it never works. We always end up arguing about it. She always reassures me that nothing will happen, they just want to be friends, but thats never the case. They try to get her alone/get her alone and hit on her. I mean...I know that she can say no, but no isn't always an answer. And I know this doesn't justify how I react, just a little background.

 

Any help or suggestions on how I can get over this? Or has anyone got over something similar to this? Thanks.

[Ericson]

What more do you want? Get serious dude, you HAVE to trust her or this wont work. Yeah, she's cheated on you in the past, if your heart is telling you she's cheating again but your brain is telling you to stay with her then go with your heart. She already told you she's not doing anything, you gotta make the choice, we can't help you.

[Northalius]

Well, if you want my opinion, I'd break it off with her. The trust will not ever come back if it's not earned; and from what you said, it doesn't look like she's trying.

 

Even if she is, she's working with guys, and she already cheated on you once; that'll be in the back of your mind forever. Are you actually willing to go through that for the rest of your life (if you plan on staying with her...)?

[heloladies21]

Any help or suggestions on how I can get over this?

You can't. Your doubts are well founded as she has shown you that she has the ability to lie and hide things from you with no remorse and is very much capable of doing it again.

 

At this point, the relationship is basically a moot point and on it's last legs on the way out. You'll never be fully comfortable with her and if you don't end up dumping her, she's eventually gonna end up dumping you/cheating on you again.

 

You sound like a nice guy, but you have a hard time sticking up for yourself fully. Any self respecting man would instantly dump the chick and never look back, but by taking her back you set the precedent that she can do it again and you'll still take her back. Guys who show low self esteem are a big turn off to girls.

[TrustNoMore]

I agree you gotta let this one go. Shes not proven herself to be trustworthy at all.

[chantal]

how long hdid you date her before she cheated?

My bestfriends boyfriend cheated on her in the early months , now they have been going out for a year and a half and are very much in love.

He just told her that he cheated a few weks ago.

I sat down and asked talked to him about it and he said that he didnt think that the it was a mistake and the reason he didnt tell her right when it happened was because it was only a fresh relationship and he knew she would brake up with him. So he wated to see how far the relationship went. He wants to marry her now , so he told her.

Maybe she loves you alot more now then she did then , so she came clean.

like my friend and her bfs situatin

[veneratio]

Great advice ericson, greeeaat. There was a thread that had some good advice, but I couldn't find it, so I figured why not ask again.

 

As for low self esteem, I don't know how you got that from me taking her back, it's quite the opposite. I mean, had she have not regretted it, not begged me to take her back, not completely went through with it--still cheating I know--and if she had've blamed it on me...then I'd say the same thing. I have low self esteem and I shouldn't be with her. Thanks for the advice anyway.

 

chantal--I dated her for a few months before it happened. And yeah, she probably does love me more now, she gave up the party lifestyle which caused it to happen for me.

 

After I made this post, she called me and told me she was wrong and that she'd work on gaining my trust back.

 

So..anyway, thanks for trying everyone. But I definitely can't let this one go. I meet girls everyday or every week and none of them come close. I'll just have to figure out something on my own.

[Rabican]

I would say that she has to keep the fox out of the henhouse so to speak.

 

Meaning, she does not do anything to put herself in a situation where you have to doubt her or worry about whats happening. The guys she is talking to, and her previous actions are a recipe for disaster. The only way I would stay in that relationship is if she made herself compeltely unavailable to any guys outside of work. IF they want a cup of coffee with her, tough luck. If she wants to go have a beer or a dinner with one of them after work, tell her to pack her bags first.

[veneratio]

I would say that she has to keep the fox out of the henhouse so to speak.

 

Meaning, she does not do anything to put herself in a situation where you have to doubt her or worry about whats happening. The guys she is talking to, and her previous actions are a recipe for disaster. The only way I would stay in that relationship is if she made herself compeltely unavailable to any guys outside of work. IF they want a cup of coffee with her, tough luck. If she wants to go have a beer or a dinner with one of them after work, tell her to pack her bags first.

 

I thought that before I came here, but then I thought I'd be asking too much, so I had to ask. Glad to see that I'm not. Thanks Rabican.

[auroradawn]

I definitely don't think it's too much to ask. I haven't cheated on my boyfriend, but was discovered flirting (quite innappropriately) with another guy over facebook. I am trying to earn my boyfriends trust back (although he is not really THAT right now) but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel comfortable. And will continue to do so. If she wants to go and hang out with these guys as 'friends' then she shouldn't mind if you come along either - has she ever invited you? Right now I believe she should move mountians to earn your trust back again - you deserve it - you didn't deserve to be cheated on. It was her mistake and she should make it better for YOU and not put you through a bunch of stress.