Confused need support

[itsalovething]

My girlfriend and i are in our late 30s both divorced.

 

She has a bunch of baggage that is confusing her right now, and confusing me in the process.

 

She and i are going on a year of dating. our relationship is wonderful and she tells me practically every other day that im the most wonderful man in the world, is everything she ever wanted in a partner, and can see herself with me forever

 

BUT, she is scared, about why when she gets close the feeling to run gets in the way. I know that she has the problem of sabatoging a good thing and she is confused. She is going to talk to her therapist about all this

 

We were having a great talk, which is awesome, but she said what if she found that she just isnt ready for a relationship right now......

i asked if that happened to end up the case would she date other people and shes said the thought crossed her mind to test how she really felt.

 

I mentioned that she and i both have enough dating experience to know that what it was like before in the dating world (horrible) not likely to be much different now, she agreed very much.

 

when we end the conversation she just told me not to read too much into any of these thoughts and she loves me very much. she also suggested that we get back to basics and go on a formal "date" together and go back to what we were doing when we first got together.

 

Support, dont want to ruine this good thing by being neurotic lol

[friscodj]

Hey itsalovething-

 

This woman and this situation sounds like many, many I have been with and been in...and have heard the same things you write here...

 

You should also be aware I am not with any of these women...so take my salty advice with a grain of salt...

 

I used to take a "helper" approach to these types of situations, equating my help and being there for her with a means to develop love in her heart and stature for the relationship.

 

These days, after having my nuts put through this wringer a few times, my perspective has changed a bit...

 

Essentially, she needs to get over herself. Her confusion is poisoning this relationship and bringing you down. How much of this you can take without viscerally distancing yourself from it and subsequently her is up to you. Better to nip this in the proverbial bud sooner than later, as you are taking steps towards, than let it fester and reach unmanageable levels. Focus on addressing small, specific, and manageable behaviors or triggers for her behavior that are contributing to the bigger problem here. Perhaps take slow little steps to this end...one thing and one day at a time...

 

If I were in your position today, having been through enough of these situations, I would let her know that I'm going to be here as long as she is here. That means, if she wants to break up, that's it, I'm not playing games or getting jerked around. Goodbye. She's either in or out. If you're in, you get the support, you get the patience, etc. If you're out, you're out. These situations turn into emotional rollercoasters very, very quickly if she let's her confusion overwhelm her.

 

I think it's necessary to contain the confusion with this firm boundary, for yourself if you choose not to explicitly express it to her. If you let this confusion out of the cage, you'll end up left out in the cold, after dark, and hungry chasing it...and getting back home will take a long time...until you hear sounds of hope and back out, go chasing it again...and again...and again...

 

And her confusion is her responsibility as is how she chooses to deal with it. She needs to get over it. There is opportunity for doubt abound in relationships, and if we all chose to focus on "what ifs" and let them consume us, we'd all be insane. And if she is insane, better to find out sooner than later, before marriage, kids, mortgage, etc. In this sense, this situation is as much an indication of a potential future with her on the next emotional level and also let's you see her nature in dealing with problems like this...

 

I would also say to her that she needs to figure out her part of this on her own. She is doing that with therapy which is good. Let her know, again, that you're going to be there for her to support her as she figures this out as long as she's "there" but are not going to solve her problem for her or otherwise attempt to fix this on your own.

 

Also perhaps let her know how this situation is making you feel and that you need to take steps to deal with this situation from your end as well. I can already see your hopeful and soft heart absorbing some of her neurosis. You've got to keep that at a distance and keep a clear head...someone has to here... There is no sense in giving control of the situation and your feelings to the confused person.

[itsalovething]

Thats an amazing post, and i thank you for the input. maybe we can continue talking about it

 

I have told her that if ultimately she needs to do some more research to only figure out that im indeed the man of her dreams like she expresses multiple times a week, that I wouldnt be there in the process.

 

i told her that i am there for her through anything. Anything doesnt imply going back and dating to "see"

 

i know that if she stops focussing on all the BS she is alowing to as you say poison the relationship and her sanity, then it would grow into something amazing, more so than has ever been.

 

she and i were going to move in together last month, and after giving up my place and moving most of my stuff in, she ran. so now im looking for a place as well. when im gone from her, she misses me more than air but when things get too close, she runs.

 

i am in therapy too and am hoping to maintain the strength to keep myself sound through this and hope for the best

[friscodj]

Hey bro,

 

Yeah, if you only knew how close this exact situation was to me not too long ago...

 

You did great with how you handled it and you have a good perspective on this. I think the next step is backing up your words with internal preparation, for yourself, to call this thing off if she doesn't choose to get her act together. I think when you internally prepare and truly accept that "out" is just as much of an option as "in", it shows in your behavior and expression of such. She will see this I think and this will likely speak to her on a deeper level than words, much more so than trying to fabricate an associated image through wordcrafting and forced behavior.

 

The mistake I made was coddling her and the situation too much. I lost myself in the process and it took a long time to get myself back.

 

In my case, I often heard completely insane and negative thoughts, very much sabotage on her part. The phrase that stuck with me was "I can't..." She thought she couldn't do it...

 

I suspect you've heard this before with this woman as well. Of course she "can" she has to choose to do so. This situation is completely within her control and ability to get on top of. She has to do so herself. She needs to get over herself or it's buh-bye...how much time you give her to do this is entirely up to you, your tolerance for frustration, BS, and your level of sanity.

 

I can't stress enough how important it is to keep a clear head here. Someone has to and it sounds like it won't be her. If the situation consumes both of you...you're in for a ride...

 

She's not going to wake up one day and suddenly change. You are seeing life as it will be like with her. This is her. This is it. Therapy and some changes will likely make small improvements and take the edge off this, but you are seeing the basic pattern here. And it will likely be non-linear in the sense it will get better and worse on occasion. Can you live with this?

 

At any rate, you're doing good buddy, I think you'll figure this out for yourself and do just fine.

[itsalovething]

thanks again, you seem to understand the whole thing quite well.

 

It sucks that things can be so perfect and then she sabatoges the very thing she has wanted all her life, surpassing her marriage as well when it began.

 

what does compout this is that she is dealing with medication for panic attacks which are anti-depressants as well, plus there is definite signs of alcohol abuse.

[friscodj]

thanks again, you seem to understand the whole thing quite well.

 

It sucks that things can be so perfect and then she sabatoges the very thing she has wanted all her life, surpassing her marriage as well when it began.

 

what does compout this is that she is dealing with medication for panic attacks which are anti-depressants as well, plus there is definite signs of alcohol abuse.

 

The woman I am referring to in my recollection of experience changed her anti-depressants a lot too, and as you said, makes this situation even worse...

 

In hindsight in my situation, I'm thankful to be free from such a situation. It hurt a lot at first, but as time and hindsight gave me the Lasik surgery to give me back 20/20 vision, I saw this woman was a complete whack job and was better left to ruin some other poor bastard's life...

 

Hopefully your outcome will be different...

[itsalovething]

well i really find what you say wise. I think you said that she will do things to poison the relationship, and maybe those things are out of laking self worth to deserve the relationship of her dreams, or whatever.

 

its amazing how people can have everything they want yet make sure that they dont get it.

 

the alcohol, meds, and her own baggage and fears are the things that stand between her and complete happiness.

 

she runs for a week then misses me terribly. If she ended up dating, she like all of us, will find nothings changed, and still miss me. I hope i dont have to step away for awhile to protect myself and stop allowing her to put her baggage in the way of things between us. I briefly thought about pulling away for 30 days or so to allow her to experience what life with me gone could be like. A week is easy, she knows that im there, but 30 days would be a real experience. I dont want to do it, and hope she gets it together so i dont have to

 

do you have a messenger that you use?

 

The woman I am referring to in my recollection of experience changed her anti-depressants a lot too, and as you said, makes this situation even worse...

 

In hindsight in my situation, I'm thankful to be free from such a situation. It hurt a lot at first, but as time and hindsight gave me the Lasik surgery to give me back 20/20 vision, I saw this woman was a complete whack job and was better left to ruin some other poor bastard's life...

 

Hopefully your outcome will be different...

[itsalovething]

this roller coaster is insane, but my belief in whats beneath keeps me in it.

 

I feel somewhat taken for granted, and at the same time feel like you have eluded to her being selfish.

 

i actually thought about pulling away for 30day like i may have mentioned, and if she needs me or wants me, thats not something she can have through that time.

 

we will have our 1 year on 3/31 and maybe she needs to not have me until then to see that its not all that great.

 

im at a lose, and feeling quite down right now

 

 

The woman I am referring to in my recollection of experience changed her anti-depressants a lot too, and as you said, makes this situation even worse...

 

In hindsight in my situation, I'm thankful to be free from such a situation. It hurt a lot at first, but as time and hindsight gave me the Lasik surgery to give me back 20/20 vision, I saw this woman was a complete whack job and was better left to ruin some other poor bastard's life...

 

Hopefully your outcome will be different...

[friscodj]

Hey itsalovething-

 

In my experience with situations like this, the problem is not that she is trying to hurt you on purpose, be selfish, etc. The problem is not with her character I don't think nor is it with yours or what you are doing right or wrong in the relationship. There is some deeper psychological issue going on I think. And she is taking steps to work on that with therapy...

 

With that said, I don't think your idea of a 30-day hiatus will solve or help anything. The help will come from the therapy and from her slowly making manageable changes in her thinking to get over herself and find permanency in this. This is largely her responsibility.

 

My belief is that taking a longer break from her will only make the space between the ups and downs of the rollercoaster ride further apart...and when you go higher up...you'll go further down. My experience has shown me this route leads to the separation, hurting badly, getting back together, living the high life for about 2 weeks, wash, rinse, repeat... I have lived and dam near died this route before a few times...

 

The solution for you while she is finding her solution is in how your cope and deal with this, akin to analogously closing your eyes, taking Dramamine, and/or not eating too much before you strap yourself into the rollercoaster. The rollercoaster ride will still be present for the foreseeable future, but with therapy it can become a flatter ride and with your coping techniques you won't get as emotionally sick.

 

So the issue is in how you cope with this I think. The technique I used before was to not get too wrapped up in the relationship or the ride. Find stature in other aspects of your life, job, hobbies, passions, etc. and escape to these places when the ride starts up.

 

At any rate, this is going to be a tough road to hoe and keeping your sanity and maintaining some semblance of your idea of a healthy relationship is going to be likely one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life. It was for me...

[itsalovething]

The roller coaster continues

 

Friday we had another great talk and she told me she was cleaning and going through stuff, talking about everything in "our" terms as far as stuff she was finding and sorting out.

 

she said that we could tentitively schedule a "date" for saturday. Saturday came she asked if we could reshedule cause she was going to San Diego with her girlfriend and the friends mother to help with wedding plans for the friends brothers wedding.

 

So sunday morning she calls, they hadnt gone yet, they were going sunday. I asked what happened. So supposedly her girlfriend and her boyfriend get into it and they ended up at a bar. So she said she loves me and misses me etc

 

havent heard from her since, that was yesterday at 9am.

 

we have valentines plans in which im going over and cooking a major dinner and have presents for her etc.

 

this roller coaster is a major ride. Thank goodness i have a therapy session tonight.

 

When we talked on friday, there was all this talk about still thinking about me living with her, just was too soon and she has alot of things to resolve. She said she want to be the kind of woman i deserve.

[itsalovething]

The roller coaster continues

 

Friday we had another great talk and she told me she was cleaning and going through stuff, talking about everything in "our" terms as far as stuff she was finding and sorting out.

 

she said that we could tentitively schedule a "date" for saturday. Saturday came she asked if we could reshedule cause she was going to San Diego with her girlfriend and the friends mother to help with wedding plans for the friends brothers birthday.

 

So sunday morning she calls, they hadnt gone yet, they were going sunday. I asked what happened. So supposedly her girlfriend and her boyfriend get into it and they ended up at a bar. So she said she loves me and misses me etc

 

havent heard from her since, that was yesterday at 9am.

 

we have valentines plans in which im going over and cooking a major dinner and have presents for her etc.

 

this roller coaster is a major ride. Thank goodness i have a therapy session tonight.

 

When we talked on friday, there was all this talk about still thinking about me living with her, just was too soon and she has alot of things to resolve. She said she want to be the kind of woman i deserve.

[friscodj]

Hey bro,

 

I'm sorry to hear about all this. Look and listen to yourself here..."Thank God I have a therapy session tonight." You are very much getting caught up in her issues here! She is sending you to therapy and worse yet possibly generating a dependence of sorts on it.

 

Another point here is to take what she says with perspective. Talk is cheap and easy and it is most certainly so in this case with her.

 

Can you live like this? Do you think she will one day make a decision to be with you and the ride will end? Or is this her, her character, and a glimpse of the future for the two of you?

 

No worries. I think you'll figure this one out on your own and come out of this thing with a freaking Ph.D. in situations like this. It will likely hurt and suck for a while but there is a greater benefit of discovery and wisdom here I think whether or not this relationship works out or not.

[itsalovething]

Last night around 9, she called and was still with

Stacy, was supposed to be coming home today. But,

the girls are going out to boycott valentines day. I

texted her back saying she shouldnt be boycotting

it cause she is going to be treated like a queen on

that night. To remember that when the girls are bitter.

 

oh and of course, she loves me and misses me

 

So at therapy, the counselor brought up a good point.

I am training her how to treat me and this is

not what i want as treatment.

 

After vday and her appt on thursday, if i dont see

something as far as progress, then the counselor

recommends that i do take a stand, and with love

and care, step back, and not be in contact. I hope it

doesnt come down to that, but if it does, i am

going to tell her that our one year aniversary is on

3/31. Call me if she has a sincere desire to celebrate

it in the way it should be other wise, i hope she can

make some progress.

 

meanwhile, the valentines plans i have for us are:

 

for vday, i got her a message in bottle

bottle with the writting in it:

 

 

No matter

how high the waves,

nor how strong the current,

together we can

weather any storm.

Happy Valentines Day

Love, David

 

I also am having a vermont teddy bear delivered that

day.

 

I got her lingere, but am going to keep that on hold

until things are more defined.

 

I am cooking her a gourmet dinner of beef wellington,

and all the trimmings.

 

oh yeah, theres lots of reasons to boycott vday,

right? not!

[friscodj]

Hey David-

 

This woman does not deserve you at all. You have this wonderful evening planned out for her and she and her friends want to boycott the holiday.

 

Forget her dude...I don't know how else to say it at this point... She is totally having her way with you and the "relationship"...and is not in this relationship at all...you're planned evening will only fuel the fire that is burning your heart alive...

 

For what it's worth, I think you did find yourself a good therapist though...

[itsalovething]

well in all fairness, the boycott was supposedly about how the stores take advantage of guys and jack the prices for flowers etc.

 

but i have been with her for about a year, i know the girl inside, the person here right now is a struggling alcoholic. Well thats saying alot i guess.

 

The therapist is both of our therapists. She even said last night that she would tell her that if she doesnt get the addiction handled she is wasting her money and the counselors time cause you cant heal and get well while feeding the addiction

 

 

PS. Thanks for the comment of my nice evening planned. Im that type of guy, i just dont do the standard, i think about what i do for someone.

 

 

Hey David-

 

This woman does not deserve you at all. You have this wonderful evening planned out for her and she and her friends want to boycott the holiday.

 

Forget her dude...I don't know how else to say it at this point... She is totally having her way with you and the "relationship"...and is not in this relationship at all...

 

For what it's worth, I think you did find yourself a good therapist though...

[friscodj]

Let me ask you this,

 

How is your life now compared to before you started a relationship with her?

 

How much have you given up in terms of your own happiness, sanity, and perspective on healthy love and relationships in this year?

 

Has this situation become your definition of a loving relationship and where is this relationship heading?

 

What do you really want David?

[itsalovething]

Well through the first 6 months of the 11 so far, things were amazing and then even on through the end of the year. But binges and periods of "insanity" have weeded their way in a bit more frequent in the last 2-3. Thats why i encouraged her to the counseling as she was falling downward in how she was dealing with life.

 

I know the potential for a wonderful life and relationship exists with this person, but she needs to get medication, alcohol and therapy all in order if i can consider standing by

 

I do not define healthy in terms of what things are right now, but im very committed to standing by someone that I am serious with. Maybe my own demise, but its my integrity

 

 

Let me ask you this,

 

How is your life now compared to before you started a relationship with her?

 

How much have you given up in terms of your own happiness, sanity, and perspective on healthy love and relationships in this year?

 

Has this situation become your definition of a loving relationship and where is this relationship heading?

 

What do you really want David?

[friscodj]

Well, there's your path right there. Don't let anyone tell you not to follow what you believe in, especially not some Internet stranger posting to a relationship forum when he should be working...

 

Keep going with this David. I think no matter what this is going to be a valuable experience for you.

[itsalovething]

I know that i want to go through with vday in the style that i do, and hopefully the counselor can help her make some sense of her actions on thursday.

 

But if i have to take a stand, then so be it. Its not the way id like to do it but I dont think she will click and realize what shes losing if she doesnt go without it. But so far the only time abstaining from communication has been a week, and thats when shes off doing whatever shes doing.

 

 

 

Well, there's your path right there. Don't let anyone tell you not to follow what you believe in, especially not some Internet stranger posting to a relationship forum when he should be working...

 

Keep going with this David. I think no matter what this is going to be a valuable experience for you.

[friscodj]

You'll figure this out David, I have no doubt about that. It is only a matter of time.

 

And again, I really feel going through this experience is going to change your perspective on life, love, and yourself for the better.

 

I am really eager to hear your feelings after Valentine's Day. I think that day might mark a turning point in your mind and heart with all of this.

[itsalovething]

I can only hope for the best and act in the way that i respect in myself. The results are not in my control, and I hope i learn that my persistance and love matter

 

Ill keep you posted for sure

 

You'll figure this out David, I have no doubt about that. It is only a matter of time.

 

And again, I really feel going through this experience is going to change your perspective on life, love, and yourself for the better.

 

I am really eager to hear your feelings after Valentine's Day. I think that day might mark a turning point in your mind and heart with all of this.

[friscodj]

Another point here David.

 

Realize, you will be fine here no matter what. Life will go on and you will be fine either way. Whatever emotional trauma you experience will pass...

 

Also realize you will come out of this wiser about the things I mentioned before, life, love, and yourself, no matter what happens. Perhaps taking away some of the pressure to succeed in this one area that you are focusing on, i.e., having a healthy loving relationship with her, and constriction of the situation like this will help you too.

[itsalovething]

well last night she left a message that she needed to reschedule vday for another day cause stuff was going on with the girls and she needed to be with them and celebrate anti-vday. I called back said she shouldnt be celebrating that with them cause she has everything.

 

long story short, after a little talking about being scared, wanting to be a better woman for me, and needs to work things out, we lost the call.

so i called left a message that i love her but cant do this like this, and that i needed to step away

 

i said that 3/31 is a special day on my calendar to call if she wanted to celebrate it properly but when she picks up the phone remember that she is calling a million dollar bill and should be treated as such, and bye for now

 

so now its time to let go and let god

 

Another point here David.

 

Realize, you will be fine here no matter what. Life will go on and you will be fine either way. Whatever emotional trauma you experience will pass...

 

Also realize you will come out of this wiser about the things I mentioned before, life, love, and yourself, no matter what happens. Perhaps taking away some of the pressure to succeed in this one area that you are focusing on, i.e., having a healthy loving relationship with her, and constriction of the situation like this will help you too.

[friscodj]

Hey David-

 

I'm sorry to hear of your disappointment. I sincerely hope this served the bigger purpose of alerting your belief to the fact that pursuing this, or even sticking around in any capacity, is a hopeless and lost cause.

 

I want so badly for you to see this but I am at a loss at this point. I mean, look at the situation here, look at what she said to you. I don't know how much clearer it can get. It's shocking...

 

But I've been stuck in the same place where you are and I know how tough it is to regain the perspective of reality here. I am sorry to say it sounds like you need more beatings like this to see it for yourself and you yourself start making firm and sure decisions here. Again, you are leaving it up to the confused person to make decisions, i.e., "that 3/31 is a special day on my calendar to call if she wanted to celebrate it properly". You're giving her the freedom and the control to do whatever she wants thinking this equates to "being there" for her and will nurture love in her heart...

 

I feel like I am strapped to a chair and forced to watch a plane crash happen in real time here.

[itsalovething]

well baby steps my friend. Right now, i am not going to give any contact which is much different. Previously when shed call id be there, not now. She cant have me on her terms and I am going to be strong on this, cause anything less is less than i deserve.

 

Im working on it one hour at a time.