Need Closure - Update on my situation

[stephz]

Hi There,

Need advice on how to get closure to a break-up. My previous post explained the whole situation of my so-called break-up that I wasn't even sure about. However, I think it is final now. Not sure about him. I have maintained NC for a little over a month now and it's been a week more since his text message, which by the way his one and only attempt to get in touch with me since our last meeting.

 

I guess I am still questioning why he hasn't called me as a sign that the break-up is now mutual. It broke my heart over and over every time I think about it. I am thinking of calling him for final closure, get my stuff back from his place, etc etc. But I don't know what to say and how to start. I don't want the conversation comes out as if I want to get back. The distance I guess making things hard.

 

However, I have this idea that if he really loves me he would try to at least call me and talk things out. "Stubborness" you may call it, but I do want closure. And I don't really care about my stuff, by the way. They are just stuffs.

 

Please advice what are my options?

[blender]

One thing I finally realized after my break up, that the only closure I can really get comes from within myself, and my own selfrespecting choice to let go and move on.. and if in time the ex "discovers" during "no contact" that they want to make an "intentional sincere effort" to talk or work it out, then nothing will stop them from doing so...

 

For now it might be best for you to try to be in "acceptance" that he is NOT choosing to make any contact.. (I'm sorry I don't think texts count as contact, they usually are more of a "curious" nature from the ex, more than an actual "respectful clear intentional effort" to work it out).. so for now be proud of yourself for maintaining no contact.. and try to get busy with your own life.. and in time if you really want your "stuff" back you can do so from a place of less emotional vulnerabilty... this takes time...

 

And time is on your side.. it is.. trust this.. feel all that you are feeling, but try not to re-act to those "feelings" by contacting the ex.. if the ex wants to talk they know where to find you.. plain and simple..

 

So for today, just for today, one day at a time, try to let go.. and do something wonderful for yourself.. just for you.. you deserve happiness, respectful intentional effort and love from anyone whom you choose to be in a relationship.

 

I don't know all the details of your break up, but if he initiated it, then it's best for YOU to maintain no contact....just one day at a time.. the "closure" you are seeking comes from your own choice of "acceptance".

[Aschleigh]

the only closure I have found was like 4 years later when I heard my ex got married and I was so glad it wasn't me marrying him. I knew I was over it then.

It's only been a month for you. Get your stuff back but it will be a long time until it's over emotioanlly. Years probably. It's a long road that you are on today.

[Me and myself]

Hi Stephz

 

I guess I am still questioning why he hasn't called me as a sign that the break-up is now mutual. It broke my heart over and over every time I think about it.

 

I don't know the details of your break up but I have the same doubts of you. My ex broke up with me, I started NC 25 days ago, , deleted her contacts from MSN, I've been avoiding to go the places where she might be, etc. During these 25 days she never made an attemp to contact me. So, just like you, I'm wondering what does this means. Is she helping me in my NC? Is she also doing NC to forget me? Does she even care about what I've been doing?

Just like you, I also think that if she used the break up to see if I was going after her and if she really love me, sooner or later she would contact me. But she didn't...

My position now is to keep NC as long as I can, day by day (it's been hard, really hard) and later, if she later wants to do a "intentional sincere effort", just like blender said, she will know where to find me.

In the meantime, I will continue to look for myself and accepting, each day a bit more, that it's really over.

[stephz]

Thanks for the responses you guys! I am definitely convinced that I was in the right path to recovery. I am stronger than before. I have maintained NC still, but he called me this morning and I purposely ignored it. He left me a voicemail still calling me sweetie as he always, wishing my happy valentine and saying we haven't talked in awhile, he's been busy, and he misses me.

 

And not to repeat my previous looooooooooong post, I was the one initiating the break-up. Bottom line is I felt he cannot stand up for me when it comes down to his parents. Stupid really. This is one reason that I never thought would be the reason of our break-up.

 

Now, I am not sure if I should call him back. From the tone of his voice, he doesn't sound like an ex-bf. Is it possible that I am the only one aware of the break-up?

[stephz]

the only closure I have found was like 4 years later when I heard my ex got married and I was so glad it wasn't me marrying him. I knew I was over it then.

It's only been a month for you. Get your stuff back but it will be a long time until it's over emotioanlly. Years probably. It's a long road that you are on today.

 

Hopefully, I will get my closure sooner. I don't know if I can handle 4 years. I do want to get my stuff back (honestly not as a reason to hear his voice and talk to him), but since we are in a long distance, it will be a trip to plan for. We are two thousand miles apart. I will have to book a flight and a hotel, because staying at his place won't be such a good idea for my recovery. Then again, those are just things....some of my favourite stuffs, still I don't mind not getting them back at all. Though, I did mention to him to mail my stuff back during our last conversation.

[Steve316]

I am in a similar place to you mate. She told me after our last talk (very short and not great either) last Friday that she'd call me "over the weekend or next week" - we are now almost at Friday again and I have heard nothing.

 

Like you I have same questions - is she testing me? Has she forgotten about me? Is she deliberately doing NC too in the hope she forgets me? Is she thinking no contact is best for me?

 

I just don't know the answers and unfortunately theres only one person who does, the very person you CAN'T contact.

[stephz]

I've been reading alot about different postings in this forum. One posting stood out RE: "NC - THE GUIDE" by majord23, but the funny thing it is in the "Getting Back Together" forum. Two things I learned from her is if you decide to break NC, at the first contact is to make clear your intention of NC and what is his/her intention of calling.

 

Well, I had been thinking about this last nite and all day today and decided to call him back. At first, I don't want to be perceived as cold or rude but then again, I don't really care how he perceives me anymore. Now my real reason is to clear things up with him one last time since our break-up was never really "official" (dunno if there's such thing), and perhaps one sided -he doesn't seem to realize or he refuse to realize it and play dumb about it. Either way, I don't want to regret it later on by ruling out the possibility of reconciliation. I want to clarify my intention of NC to him and clarify what his intention when he called me yesterday.

 

I know some of you may say, I am going to hurt myself but don't worry I do not keep my hope's up. I've gotten some private messages not to do it and I thank for the supports. I will be okay.

 

This may constitute breaking my 45 days NC, but that's not really the issue, I think. Simply need to clear things up one last time with him. Hopefully this is the closure that I've been looking for. I had listed three reasons why we should be together and three reason why we should not be together (I also learned this from Hades' posting in the other forum). I've also listed in writing the expectations that we both should recognize if we ever get back together.

 

So, I did call him back tonight, but no answer...well the three hours time difference, I can only assume he is already asleep. I didn't leave a message. If he really wants to talk, he'll call me back or NOT. Either way, I am FINE. I guess 45 days NC got me stronger than I thought. I am off to a party now....