Counseling helpful?

[longhaircats]

My breakup was 5 months ago (8 mo from initial breakup), and I have been doing fairly well, but I have been depressed lately since my ex told me he is engaged. I'm happy that we are over, but I still miss having someone so close to me. He was my best friend, and I don't have his support anymore.

 

I've been on dates and was fun at time, but I'm still single and lonely and I feel like I am left out. I was supporsed to have a date today, but the guy hasn't returned my calls for a week so I guess he wasn't that into me. I'm fine with it, but I feel like I am not myself anymore. The confident woman who used to smile a lot and enjoy life is gone. My depression has been affecting on my academic performance, and I've been drinking a lot. Last week, I stayed home alone and did nothing while I was supposed to be working on my research. I've been trying so hard to stand on my own, by attending social groups, going to gym, and tried to look at bright sides of this whole experience of living in a new city, but I am tired of trying. I just want to hide in a cave.

 

So here is my question. I am considering seeking a professional help. I've seen a counseler once about 4 years ago, but I discontinued because one session didn't really help anything. I am wondering if counseling is really helpful. What made you to decide to seek a professional help? Was it helpful? How many sessions would be necessary to be effective? Is it worth it?

 

Any comments would be very much appreciated!

[anggrace]

It was helpful for me. I went not knowing exactly why I was going. I was just feeling the need and wanted some insight. It WAS helpfull. As far as how many sessions, that would depend on your situation. I didn't have anything major going on, so just a couple meetings helped. But I still go here and there when Im feeling confused, scared, or just down. He's helped me understand myself a little better and understand why I react to things the way I do.

[Desma214]

You could go talk to someone but hey why talk to someone and pay when you can really handle it yourself. Trust me I know where your coming from at the moment Im in a relationship but my heart breaks every single day because Im not sure if he wants to be with my anymore and I also have the fear of being alone I cant be alone plain and simple. The reality is you loved this person and still do but hey why continue to love someone who probably dont love you back? Would you rather still have him and him not be happy with you? NO because the pain is the same if not worse either way its going to hurt but soon you get over it. You have done went through the hard part by breaking it off and your lucky in my eyes because thats one step I havent been able to do. Instead of crying all the time and feeling the hurt turn it into anger and be angry release all emotions and dont allow nothing or nobody hurt you anymore including yourself. You say your alone but your not its a mental thought look at everyone around you that support you and you know that love you unconditionally look at all of these threads of people having trouble or going through difficult things your not alone. We sometimes tend to live our life a certain way I mean the same thing everyday and when something changes then its different but thats all you need is a change and when you let go of all the feelings you are having it will show on the outside and those dates you go on will no longer make you feel lonely. I hope everything works out for you just hang in there in the end theres only one person you have to please and its YOU so be happy about life and live the best life you can and let nothing including emotions stand in your way.

[anggrace]

Sometimes we do need a little help. I was lucky to find a good therapist who has been very helfull. We don't always see everything and we don't always understand why we feel the way we do. We don't always have the answers. If you feel the need for some professional insight, you should try it out. Couldn't hurt, ya know?

[longhaircats]

Thank you very much for your quick responce.

 

Desma214, "why continue to love someone who dont love you back?" this is exactly the word my ex told me. It was me who wanted to end the relationship, because he had so much problems (anger issue, money issue, lack of ambition etc) and I had a doubt of our future, so I picked up fights and kicked him out several time from my apartment. So he ended for both of us. After I lost him, I realized how much emortional supports he had given me, and I regret that I took him for granted. I realized my mistakes but it was too late. I did 3 months of NC and my ex took it badly (he interprets things in negative ways). His last email was full of resentment towards me. What hurts the most is not the fact that he is engaged, but the fact that he hates me. The person I spent 3 years together and trusted the most as a friend no longer wants me in his life.

 

anggrace, thanks for sharing your experience. Like you, I am not sure what exactly I am expecting from therapy, but I just feel like I need help.

[Orlander]

relationships are two way streets, longhaircats. You both made mistakes so stop blaming yourself. Learn the lessons from this breakup and apply them to future ones.

 

To answer your original question: Yes!!!

 

Go to a therapist and continue to see one for a few weeks. A therapist will help point you in the right direction and will definitely help with his/her own unique experienced, educated perspective.

 

Ultimately, you DO have the power within yourself to fix what you perceive as being your problems. A therapist might just help you learn more about yourself so you can better tap into that strength that is inside you.

 

 

Orlander

[arnold hanky]

i found out last wednesday that my husband has been lying to me about texting and phoning someone again. we would have been married 25 years in june this year. we have parted before because i knew he was hiding something from me. i am fine this time because i have been there done that breakdown thing. i cannot remember anymore why we stayed together or got back together. i do not like him or love him. i am looking for ways to move on and do not know where to start. fear is such a powerful emotion and i am soooo trying to be strong and focussed. forgot to say we have 2 daughters and 2 grandaughters. he is 46 and i am 44. i am a part time self employed bookeeper and have felt so ill lately that i dont feel that i can look for more work.why is depression /stress so dibilitating?

[icarus27]

Longhaircats,

 

Even when you see a counsellor, the person who has to become empowered to be able to bring change into your life, is YOU. The therapist's role is to help you. I think that one session on its own may not be neough, depending on the depth of your issues, it could take several sessions or more ... but please remember that you're central to the process and anytime you feel like stopping, you can. I'd say, try it out.

 

In my own life story, the first time I went to a counsellor for 8 weeks, it profoundly turned round some of my ideas about life and how I was living. Years later, I'm now studying a course in counselling and therapy myself to be able to help others.

 

I felt for you story longhaircats, because I've been through a painful break-up (6 months ago) and then got to know another girl in the last month who I started to become interested in. She's suddenly broken things off, she did it nicely, but of course it still hit me badly.

[kekep]

I would recommend it, especially if you have been feeling depressed lately. Talking to a counselor could shed some light on your situation.

[longhaircats]

Thank you guys for your advice.

 

icarus27, sorry you are hurting. It is so sad that you meet someone new and you become interested in, but they decide not pursue a relationship for whatever reasons. It was probablly not my fault, but I can't help wondering what did I do wrong.

 

arnold hanky, I don't know what to say. 25 years! You must have being going through a hell of the pain. I'll let you know the result of my counseling sessions.

 

Orlander, thanks for your words and telling me not to blame myself. It made me cry! I thought I have done enough self blaming, but the last email from my ex made me feel like I'm such an awful person.

 

I made an appointment with a counsellor on Friday, and hope this helps me to feel a bit better about myself.

 

Thanks again everyone!

 

longhaircats

[SadOldMan]

I have my first session Thursday. Quite apprehensive about it tbh.

[icarus27]

longhaircats,

 

Please don't torture yourself wondering if there was something you did wrong. I know that it's maddening if the person didn't have the decency to at least cancel the date and give a proper reason. It does not mean that you should have to carry this burden of Why??

 

It may not be because of anything you did or said. In your sensitive frame of mind, now that you're still so tender, it seems a huge deal. But you of all people, have the perfect right to go easy on yourself.

 

Take care girl. Keep posting. We're here.

[janeok]

A few years ago I broke up with a boyfriend that I had been living with. Initially, I was fine, but then started to drink a lot (like you), and I started to feel very depressed. I actually became clinically depressed and seeking professional help was the best thing I could have done! Please, please, please seek help if you need it. I also want to tell you to try and stop drinking for now if you can. Alcohol is a depressent and will only make you feel worse. I know that it is hard because while you are drinking it takes away the pain you are feeling. But when you drink it is only a temporary fix and then you end up feeling like crap the next few days.

 

Please let me know if you need more advice on this topic. I feel that I am a pro by now.

 

Good luck! And hang in there!

[longhaircats]

icarus27, thanks you for your kind words. Yes I am very sensitive and maybe I need to take things less personal. The guy didn't returned my calls or text. I would never do something like this to anyone. I always treat people with respect. It's hard because I really liked him. I felt like I don't have a good judgement in men anymore....

 

janeok, thanks for sharing your experience. You are right about alcohol. I have been having trouble falling asleep, and a few glass of wine makes me sleepy, but it doesn't last long. I am hoping that the counselor could help me on this. Last night was rough. I couldn't help thiking about what my ex said in his last email, and it really hurts me that he blamed me for eveything. I was crying 3am in the morning. After all this, I still miss him and it made me more sad.

[janeok]

Ugh...isn't this so hard? I always say that I would rather have a thousand broken bones, then go through the pain of a break-up!

 

Please understand that his email isn't even about you, it is all about him. He obviously is feeling quilt, a loss, weird, strange, SELFISH, and needs to say these things so that he can rid himself of the feelings. I know you miss him. I miss my ex too. And I hate going through this lonliness. And even though I can't think this way, I think that he was my last chance at ever getting married, kids, etc. Rationally, I know that these thoughts are just a bunch of b.s.

 

Back to you-don't listen to the email. Keep pushing forward...keep pushing forward...

[SadOldMan]

Just back from my 1st session. I 'enjoyed' it. She's booked me in for six, to try and address my 'issues'. Walked in my house and cried for an hour, on and off.

[numbhead]

hi, im thinkin about counselling. its been nrly 3 months now,,, i miss her like nothing ive experienced in my whole life!

 

i am literally broken!,,, and shes moved on... this fact alone is stopping me from sleeping altogether!

 

i feel abit silly though asking for help,, but ive got loads of issues i guess.. i dont think i can sort it out on my own

 

just to top things off... i ran over and killed a cat yesterday and got a speeding ticket this morning through the post lol

 

can life get any worse!

[numbhead]

this forum is the only thing thats keeping sort of sane!

 

or not as the case maybe! lol

[Orlander]

can life get any worse!

Yes, it can and that's the point. While you may be grieving and suffering right now, in time you will see that what you thought was the life-ending event was only the end of a chapter in your life and the beginning of a new one.

 

Every single time I stopped dating someone, either because I broke up with them or they broke up with me, I felt it was the end of the world and I would never find love again.

 

Every single time I was wrong.

 

 

Orlander

[icarus27]

longhaircats,

 

How're you today?

 

Just a few days ago, when the girl I was interested in suddenly ended it by email, my physical reaction was severe. My stomach turned, and I felt nauseous at the thought I had messed up - again. I kept thinking, "What've I done?! What the hell've I done?!!" At the root of it was a deep fear, like yours, that I had misread the situation completely, misjudged this person spectacularly, that my own sense of judgement must be shot to pieces.

 

But the following morning, when I tried to view myself with some self-respect, I saw that in the short connection I've had with this person (who I met online), I didn't do anything to put this person off .... of all things, self-blame is the one thing I *can* save myself from.

 

That's what I think you have to see, as well.

 

Perhaps even thank your stars that this guy who just left without an explanation is not your problem anymore. Wherever the hell he is, let him sort out his own ***p.

 

You're hurting, I know. You can be kind to yourself.

[numbhead]

lol,, youre probably right orlander!

 

i thought you were going to tell me that life will get worse then !!

 

thanks for not telling me that,,, but im sure it can lol

[longhaircats]

I think that he was my last chance at ever getting married, kids, etc. Rationally, I know that these thoughts are just a bunch of b.s.

 

Back to you-don't listen to the email. Keep pushing forward...keep pushing forward...

 

Hey janeok, you are too young to worry about being single forever!! Thanks for the kind words too. Last night I tried to think about things that I like about myself, and it helped me a bit.

 

icarus27, the girl you were interested in at least contacted you by email and that's a lot better than being ignored! I met this guy at a club. I worried that maybe I scared him off by telling him that I wanted to get married in 3-4 years when he asked me what I was looking for. I regret that I called him twice (he didn't pick up the phone and he has no voicemail) to let him know that I had a great time on last Sunday as we cooked together and he paid for everything. He even played a guiter after the meal. I regret that I didn't play games with him (to be hard to get). But I realized now that I can't pretend to be someone who I'm not.

 

numbhead, it snowed in London this morning and I missed my class, the only class I have in a week! It was too late when I got there. So I was feeling the same as you were! My life sucks at the moment, but it will get better I hope. Orlander is right!!

 

SadOldMan, I'm glad that you enjoyed the session. Mine is tomorrow morning, so I'll keep you posted!

 

Love,

 

longhaircats

[Orlander]

Mine is tomorrow morning, so I'll keep you posted!

Let us know how it goes, cause we'll be waiting to hear!! Bated breath isn't all that attractive you know, so don't keep us in suspense

 

and yes, things will get better!!!

 

Orlander

[longhaircats]

Hi everyone,

 

I just came back from my first session. I liked it! It was a nice lady therapist, and she asked me few questions about what has been bothering me.

 

Wow, I realized I've been going through a lot! Moving to a new country, new culture, away from my social network I've developed, becoming a student from a career woman, breakup, and other relationship issues. I haven't gotten any advice from her yet, but just talking to someone nice and professional made me feel a bit better already .

 

I can't wait the next session! Thank you guys for your help

 

Love,

 

Longhaircats

[Orlander]

Great to hear, Longhaircats! Keep going and let us know how its coming along.

 

Orlander