His biological dad

[supermom]

Hi,

I have a question so I can give my sister-in-law some advise. Since it's such a delicate subject, I am tired of keeping my true opinion to myself and only telling her what she wants to hear. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

My sister-in-law has a 10 yr. old son, let's call him "Jon". Jon lives with his parents, however his dad is not his biological dad. Jon does not know this. His parents have been married since he was a baby. He has recently been asking questions about families and even told another relative that his parents didn't have him together. No one has addressed Jon's comments whats so ever,so life goes on for everyone. It's just suppose to be this hush hush secret no one talks about but they do.

My sister-in-law has talked to family members about when to tell Jon, and everyone just does the polite thing and really says nothing. My opinion is of course its her decision, but Jon's old enough to know the truth. Since they dont want to tell him for several years,I think he will only end up mad. That's a secret some kids may end up resentful about.

Jon has never seen his bio-dad and his bio-dad hasnt seen him. Heres the worst part of the story. I would like to say Jon's bio-dad is out of the picture,but hes not. Not really. Jon's bio-dad is a drug addict with lots of problems. Let me remind you on something, Jon is 10 yrs. old. His bio-dad has lived with Jon's Grandpa (his mom's dad) for almost 11 yrs. His Grandpa takes care of Jon's bio-dad like thats his own son. Jon's bio-dad is even in some family photos that Jon's grandparents have. When Jon and his family went to visit Grandpa at his house last year, Jon had no idea his bio-dad lived downstairs. And may never know that. There are even a couple uncles of Jon's that occasionally hang out with his bio-dad. Jon's Grandpa is also a major alcoholic and is very link removed he has this lifelong buddy in Jon's bio-dad to drink with and whatever else.

Like I said, this is a hush hush secret. But couldn't this secret hurt Jon someday? At what age do you tell someone their only dad isnt their biological one. Is he going to feel betaryed in countless ways? Is it more likely he will be mad later than now? Will he get mad that his bio-dad has lived with his grandpa his whole life...?...and his bio-dad's drug and alcohol problem is being supplied and supported by his grandpa? Should they ever tell him that? and if so when? Will Jon be upset if he found out he has relatives that occasionally hang out with him? One who Jon really looks up to! What if he ever goes back to his grandpa's and saw a picture of this guy in the background, what would they say then? Oh that's just so n so.

The reason I feel so sick about the whole thing is when it gets talked about, we're all suppose to say nothing to my sister-in-law about our real feelings. I'd like to say what i really think to them. That the whole situation sucks, Jon is old enough to be told, and if that was my dad taking care of my kids bio i'd disown him.(especially because of the drug thing). I think Jon could be deeply hurt by this situation someday if it's not presented to him at the right time in the right way.

Any advise for me or for me to pass on would be great. Any personal advise that could be passed on, or stories, feel free to e-mail me! email removed Thank you.

[veneratio]

It all depends on Jon. Not the same situation, but my cousin has known since he was about 9 or so that he was adopted and it didn't make him mad. Usually something I would think would upset someone.

 

Personally I think it's easier to tell kids at a younger age. Kids are pretty smart and find out things on their own most of the time. I know I found out stuff about my dad all on my own. Anyway, I think if anything he'd be mad no one was honest with him. It depends on his personality though.

[robowarrior]

You know you are a person who values the truth. But humans don't work that way. People want to hear what they want to hear, that's the truth.

 

The reality is that its not about the truth in this case either, but what situation is best for the child. You see, you should ask yourself the question 'what good will come from it if this active drug addict comes into this child life?' The answer = 0.

 

That's why he and the whole lot of his addicted family should stay out of his life. Once he is 21 years old, he can decide to see his dad, but for now he's far too volunerable to the bad habits and world of addiction, its also a bad example.

 

Would you like to get to know that your dad is a drug user? Hell no, especially children who have a more ideal view of the world, its nasty if that ideal view gets crushed down by telling the truth. Its not your place either to decide, his mom should decide for it, so just play along for the time being for the sake of the welfare of this childs education and upbringing.

[melrich]

I agree with the others, there is no right answer to this.

 

All I could tell you is that if I were in that situation I would tell Jon. I say that because I agree with you that Jon's possible response to being told when he is older will be resntment and a feeling that he has been living a lie. I also think that kids around 7 to 11 are far more accepting and flexible with teir emotions than they are when they hit their teen years.

 

It is tough but for me, when dealing with kids it is always best to err on the side of being upfront with them rather than trying to hide or protect them from knowledge such as this.

[supermom]

Please don't get me wrong, I know it is not my place to make a decision here. And I surely DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT want this man in his life. My point is kids can be more emotional at 15,16,17, etc. They can have more aggression, blahblahblah. Telling a sweet, kind, smart 10 year old the truth seems easier. Especially if he's already asking weird questions, like I previously wrote! They live in a very small town, people gossip. Better it coming from both mom and dad. Because the man who adopted him at 1 yr. old is his only true dad. I don't ever want his biological dad in the picture, besides he would never want in the picture. But ask yourselves this... seriously...

If you were say, 16 yrs. old, and you found out that whoa, my dad isn't my biological dad. But you had heard that when you were 9-10 yrs old from a snotty little kid from school, and when you brought this up your mom said "your dad's your dad", and never talked about it again till now. How would you feel?

NEXT....

Then how would you feel if you found out your bio-dad has lived with your Grandpa your whole life. The Grandpa you see every summer, Christmas, birthdays, and talk with on the phone with once in a while. You have even been into his house. And your Grandpa is the financial supporter in every way to your bio-dad. Which means thats how he gets his drugs and alcohol. And when he goes to jail for something, Grandpa always bailed him out. How would you feel?

This part of course may not be suitable for a 10 year old. But that's why I was asking for advise in the first place. When my sister in law talks to me about all this I want to tell her how I really feel, that the first part should be told now, he's old and smart enough. And the second can come later. Which I think should. I like to know the truth about parts of my life, and family, like Grandpa.

Last thing... in case someone is wondering. My sister in law got pregnant at 18 by a 22 yr. old guy she barely knew, (it was a week fling), this guy did some work for her dad. That's how they met. Only she moved out and he moved in. They never spoke again. She thought he only lived there for a short while, but found out he stayed a couple years living with her dad. Now a couple years have turned into 10. Total disfunction if you ask me.

Thanks for any feedback! Supermom

[Bethany]

When my sister in law talks to me about all this I want to tell her how I really feel, that the first part should be told now, he's old and smart enough. And the second can come later.

 

Then tell her. Obviously it is not your place or anyone else's place to interfere or tell the child themselves but I see no reason why you shouldn't tell her your thoughts on the matter when she talks to you about it. It's obviously on her mind to have brought it up in the first place.