No Contact Help / ideas

[broman23]

So I'm dealing with this no contact thing to try to give her the space that she needs. I find myself thinking of calling her after class like I used to just to tell her about my day and how things went etc. But I've managed to restrain myself. I haven't texted or sent anything via AIM or Facebook so I'm proud of myself at this point. I'm just wondering how long I'm going to be able to handle it and if anyone has stuff they do to keep there minds off breaking NC??? I already run and lift weights to release frustration and take my mind off things, but any helpful ideas or advice to keep my mind off things and making a stupid decision and contacting her will be great.

[AwdreeHpburn]

read

 

drive

 

go out with other friends

 

post here.....

[wishiknew]

I remember hearing that it takes 21 days to break a habit. We are after all creatures of habit. Now that being said, its not going to be a hard and fast rule.

Find something new to take your mind off things/her. Go to the gym, take a walk, something that you haven't done in a while, or maybe have never done before.

[Parsley]

I usually come on here and rant if I feel like contacting my ex. Or find a games website. Something I find particularly useful and have used in both his break up and the previous one, is listening to comedy. I chuck a load onto my ipod, like stand up or just the audio from comedy shows, or my particular favourite, a radio show that Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchant did on Xfm a few years ago. I'll listen to that during the day, but especially at night when I can't stop my mind whirring.

 

Another firm favourite is a long shower. With feel good music pumping on the stereo.

[broman23]

Ok so I say that I've been good not breaking contact and what happens today???? She instant messages me. * * *???

[broman23]

this is ridiculous.. I'm not sure what to think and it feels like salt has just been poored into a wound.

[broman23]

Is she intentionally trying to mess with my head??? Honestly what the hell?

[hockeyboy]

first of all delete her off your AIM. you don't have to block her, but don't keep her on your buddy list so you can't constantly check her away messages and see when she is/is not online.

 

keep your facebook, but try not logging in for a while if it bothers you. thats what ive been doing anyways.

 

if she contacts you, keep it short and tell her you have to go. make sure you end the conversations. dont have to be rude, just tell her you have to whatever...tell her your going to work out..anything

[BetterKarma]

Did she say anything of significance?

[broman23]

ok she like said she just wanted to say "hi" and then we talked a bit. we broke up like literally last saturday night. she said she wanted space and time to think. so i'm thinking i won't hear from her for like at least 2 weeks. we talk and i'm like "it's hard for me i still have questions and i just can't deal with this emotionally right now. I need some time to think." she says "she's ready to answer any questions i may have." This is after 4 days of "deep thought" So I'm just like ok well i'm not ready to talk to you yet, but i'll call you when i'm ready to talk and ask." And then I left. I could have asked tonight apparently adn tried to get closure but it just seems to soon and I still feel emotionally not with it. Did I do the right thing?

[loverUTD]

I haven't seen the full story here, but it sounds painfully similar to what I'm going through. In college, been with her for 5 months, never one fight, spent every day trying to make her happy, then out of the blue one day, she says she needs time and space to think. That we should separate. I didn't really understand. She said I did everything perfectly, that no one would ever treat her better. But that she wasn't comfortable being by herself, and had issues with herself, and felt like she couldn't dedicate herself to the relationship.

 

This all happened roughly 18 days ago. A week ago, after being confused and lashing out and saying things I didn't mean, I started NC.

 

Being in college you know how central facebook is to life. A week ago I put that I would be attending this stand up comedy gig last night. I show up and she's there. She didn't even like being there last semester. I can't figure out why she would be there. I ignored her. She was 10 feet away, but so far out of reach. It hurt bad.

 

Just try not to * * * * * about it on facebook. That'll just push her further away. I know what it's like to check someone's facebook 20 times a day. I deleted her number from my phone, and deleted her off yahoo messenger so that I couldn't contact her.

 

Why did yours break it off?

[loverUTD]

I'd say block her off from contact for a while. It's hard with facebook, but don't post your facebook status every 5 minutes. Her curiosity will be what brings her back. Hopefully.

[broman23]

Wow your situation sounds ridiculously similar to mine. I mean we went out for 4 + months not quite 5. Everything was fine for awhile, but the lsat couple weeks there's been this awkward tension between us. We acknowledged that it was there 2 weeks ago, but never really addressed the core of the issue. This last saturday we finally talked about it and I said that I still had feelings for her and was willing to try to work it out. I then asked if she wanted to break up. I asked this a couple times and she finally said yes. After this instead of her leaving we talked for a couple hours and basically addressed everything that was wrong with out relationship.

 

It was a brutal two hours and it left me wondering what the point of it all was if we're not going to try it. She left but I texted her later that night because my uncle had a stroke and I didn't know who to talk to. (Odd circumstance isn't it?) She calls me the next morning to see how I'm doing and eventually I ask a couple more questions. The first being how long she's been thinking about breaking up and she said since friday the night before. I then ask if she really has no feelings for me and she doesn't give me a straight answer. Then I ask (A week earlier I expressed my concern that things would somehow go wrong with school starting again and she reassured me that things would be ok) if she really meant that and she says "yes at the time she did want things to work out" and Then I finally ask why we're not trying to make things work now? And she just gives me this: "I can't give you all your answers now, I need space and time to think. I don't know what is wrong with our relationship, but it can't be fixed." Then that was the end.

 

Let's just say it left me pissed off. What the hell does she mean it can't be fixed? And if it can't be fixed then she knows what it is. Since we've been no contact. I haven't broken the contact and she instant messages me tonight to say "hi" and apparently she's ready to talk things over. I said I need more time and that I might call her this weekend for my answers , but that I can't talk about it now because I'm still too emotional and it would be too hard for me.

[broman23]

Oh I got the "i've never had anybody that's treated me as well as you." thingy too. That just kinda pissed me off more. As to what happened tonight, I think that she wanted to see how I was doing. Kind of check up on me even though it broke no contact. I think she wants to see if I'm ok because it kills her inside to know that we may not be able to be friends afterwards. I of course could be very wrong......I just dont' understand how after literally 4 days of no contact she's able to just talk to me and answer my questions. It just seems baffling to me ya know?

[loverUTD]

I didn't really have any questions for mine. She had her breakup speach well rehearsed and practiced before she laid it on me, so she didn't shed any tears.

 

In a lot of cases, women believe that they are justified in feeling whatever they feel. So if all of a sudden they're "not in love" anymore, they want to justify that feeling. They'll pick random symptoms. Mine was kind enough to let me know that the symptoms were simply symptons of the overall "not in love anymore" feeling. They do feel guilt about this. They don't feel bad that they're feelings change, they feel guilty that you're getting hurt. There's a big difference there. You can't show them how miserable you are in hopes of getting them back.

 

I've got a non-pressuring card planned for around valentines day. Even beyond that, I have no intention of giving up on this, no matter what. I'm convinced that she's the one. Keep in mind that I'm not one to go to crazy stalker levels. I'll just suffer quietly, holding her in my heart.

[broman23]

You bring up a great point about the feelings of guilt with how I've been hurt. She did keep saying "I never meant to hurt you", which I believe, but my only somewhat cruel reply was either "you did." or as of last night when she said it, "Someone had to be hurt, you just did what was best for you, so don't worry about it." I thought about doing something for valentines day, but i'm convinced that would just push her farther away from me. I appreciate the posts, I guess I'm just waiting for my closure, which I'll hopefully get this weekend. I know I may not get all the answers, but I like to think that I'm justified in knowing what "The unknown, unfixable thing" was.

[BetterKarma]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this with lsats and other things in your life.

 

I'm going to be brutally honest with you here. You keep asking why after four days would she be ready to talk to you when she wanted time and space to be alone. Well, that's simple. She has been thinking about breaking up for some time prior to actually telling you. So in her mind, she has already prepared herself for the shock and emotions afterwards.

 

The reason why she contacted you after four days is simple. She didn't hear from you in four days and is wondering what and how you are doing. Whether or not you're still hurt and thinking about her. Most dumpers will do that shortly after the breakup as to validate that you are indeed upset about the breakup. And I am sure that if you continue NC, she will continue to contact you after periods of hearing nothing from you.

 

My advice for you is to ignore her for now. You need time to heal and clear your head. Re-evaluate your previous relationship and learn from your past mistakes. Don't talk to her or acknowledge her. When she calls or IMs, unless she says that she wants to get back together (if that's what you want) then talk to her. However, if you do not want to get back together then I would stay far away from her until you are ready emotionally.

 

You're not going to get closure from her. She's not going to tell you everything. Trust me. What you need is to make closure with yourself about the relationship.

 

Be good to yourself, no one is going to take care of you like you will.

[broman23]

Thanks for your post karma. I think I knew that inside, but it helps to see someone else say it. I'm doing my best to keep my mind off of things and I've succeeded for the most part. I think about her once in awhile but I think that's normal. And I've still kept my no contact part of the bargain.

[BetterKarma]

You're actually doing a lot better than most people!

 

Breakups are hard and painful but you'll live through it. Everyone eventually does. You seem like you have the right perspective and that's really good. You're emotions will go up and down and remember that that's okay too.

 

Keep posting up here when you start to feel down again. It really helps to write things down.

[loverUTD]

I'm also running no contact up until around valentines day. She sent me a message on facebook yesterday letting me know that I spelled the name of a stuffed animal wrong in a facebook picture caption, and said "way to not say hi or give me a chance to" in regards to me ignoring her at an on campus event the other night. She also said I looked good.

 

I'm confident that things will work out. I'm actually doing the opposite of getting my mind off of things. Her pictures still adorn my laptop and desktop backgrounds. There's nothing I can do other than hope things work out, and give her the time and space she asked for. I still think we'll be together eventually, and I'm not giving up.

[shadow34]

Im so emotionally exhausted myself I havent got much to say right now............

 

Just well done, well done!!!!!.........

 

Do you realise what you did? you have control of the situation now, you left it on your terms,now keep up the no contact my friend and she will be frothing at the mouth