not sure how to handle this.

[katman79]

My ex and I first broke up more than a year ago due to the strains of a long distance relationship, and because she had become close to someone else.

 

Some months later, I got a job in her city, and we were doing ok and getting back together. However, she now says that theres still 10% of her thats not quite there with me, and that she still wonders about how things could be with this other guy.

 

She says that the only way she can move on from him is to try and date him, and know for herself that it wont work out for her. She says she still loves me and knows that she risks losing me but its better to do this than to be with me while some part of her wonders.

 

I feel like I must somehow move on, but since nothing was wrong with us (she was always happy when we were together) - except this confusion that she has about this other guy, I find it incredibly hard to move on. I feel that when she first moved into a new city and started stressful medical school classes, I wasnt around, and the fact that someone gave her lots of attention in that situation has left an impression. Shes not in love with him but she says she needs to be over him to be faithful to me.

 

I know I cant wait for her to come back, but knowing her, I cant help feeling that this thing shes doing wont really last. Ive somehow got to find the strength to move on. I have no idea how - I have told her however that we cant be friends and she should call me when she has something (important) to say.

 

What do you think?

[reasonablegirl]

You are doing the right thing - moving on and letting her go for now.

 

It sounds like you just moved to a new city so that is doubly hard as you may not have a circle of close friends to give you support and distraction right now. Some things you can do are to just make a list of things you would like to accomplish for yourself. Stuff like, learning a musical instrument, taking up a new language, working out, etc. Apparently a whole heck of a lot of people on this site seem to take up martial arts during a break up. I'm a martial artist and to be honest, it is a great activity and it is very social and will allow you to meet a whole circle of new friends.

 

Once you have your list, start taking the steps to do some of those things you want to accomplish. Fill your days with these great activities and you will come in contact with lots of new people, make new friends and become a happier person. And you will be doing it for yourself, by yourself and without her being involved. This stuff is YOUR stuff and you never have to worry about it dumping or breaking up with you.

 

If you are able to do all of these things and become happy with yourself without your ex then when and if your ex becomes available again, you will be a much better person and you will be emotionally ready to make a decision as to whether you want to have a relationship with her again. She may not come back at all but it won't matter if you truly focus on you because you will know you can find incredible happiness from within yourself rather than having to get it from someone else. And to be honest, people who are happy with themselves are some of the most attractive people in the world and are nearly irresistible!

 

Good luck!

[katman79]

Thank you for that response. I realize what I need to do, its just extremely hard to do it. This is also my first and only relationship and I dont know how to look ahead. But i know ive got to try. I joined a toastmasters club, and am signing up to learn a musical instrument. But while there are occasional periods of distraction, a lot of things that i do everyday are accompanied by this big knot in my stomach, and theres no escaping it no matter what I do. Everything I do reminds me of her. Its even harder when she says that she never stopped loving me. Im also angered by the fact that this other guy had to do nothing to get to "give him a chance" and I sometimes have thoughts about them doing things together. Arg.

 

Somehow, Ive got to keep going.

[reasonablegirl]

This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done. Unfortunately there is no escaping that. I wish I could give you a secret to make it just be over but there really isn't one. Good job in taking up those activities! Doing that will make it go faster but it probably won't stop you from feeling the pain.

 

Just remember, you will be soooooo tempted to contact her again, to check her online activities, to check your email, to rush home to see if she called, etc. but contact with her will start the pain all over and make you have to feel what you are feeling again (maybe not as intensely but you will). We humans are bizarre creatures, although we know that talking to the ex will cause us to get hurt, we just can't help ourselves - hoping against hope that things will have changed when we know it hasn't.

 

You will get through this and you can be strong! Worst case scenario - there are about a million posts on eNotAlone, if you can't stop yourself from thinking about her, start reading the posts about people who are in as much or worse pain as you (I know it sounds awful) but when I was hurting, I found myself comforted by knowing I was not the only one and very distracted from thinking about him when I was reading.

 

Also, you might want to think about taking up a physical activity. Exercising tends to put you on a endorphin high that lasts for quite a bit and allows you to think rationally and clearly even after you are done with the exercising. Endorphins are a natural way to reduce pain in your brain which is what you need right now. And, add to that, you'll start getting in great shape and feeling really good about yourself too!

 

One other thing that seems to help is meditation and breathing exercises. When you start to feel incredibly stressed out, stop what you are doing and just start focusing on slowly breathing in and out. Count 1 for in, 1 for out then go to 2 and so on up to 10 and then count back from 10. If you get distracted and miss a count, start over from one. This seems to help calm me down quite a bit during those really bad moments. And, you can also do the same type of thing using the phrase 'Let go' as you breath out, reminding yourself that you need to let go of her for now.

 

I hope some of these ideas help you to cope better during this difficult time.