Im new, can Someone Please help me

[shadow34]

Hi everyone,

 

My name is Georgi. I am new to this forum which I must say is absolutely a god send.

 

I want to tell my story, I just broke up with my partner and I was wanting to share this and perhaps if you are kind enough to respond get your ideas and opinions on the matter.

 

I dont wish to post in the wrong section, So do I post under relationships, or break ups???

 

Thankyou kindy in advance for your reply

[DN]

Hi Shadow34, welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I have moved your thread into the appropriate forum.

[Parsley]

I would say Healing after breaking up, or breaking up...the people on those forums know what they're saying and what you're going through, and offer the best advice of anyone, anywhere! Least that's what I've found

[ILovePasta]

Welcome to ENA... what's the story behind your situation?

[shadow34]

Hi Peoples

 

Thankyou for that.

 

Well like everyone where do you start....

 

Ok Im divorced mother of two boys 7 and 12...no need to go into the past with ex hubby as thats ages ago and him and I are still really good friends so thats all good.

 

For the past 15 months I have been seeing a guy who is 46, Im 34. He was married for 17 years and I met him about 8 months after his break up.His wife left him for another man, his fiance before that did the same.

 

I met him at a singles event and I wasnt quite sure at first. He pursued me and we on our second date we just clicked things became physical.He called text did all those things came to see me all the time and was all over me. But from the beginning he had trust issues and issues in general, dont we all but his were over the top.In a conversation on the phone I told him about this book I have called "hes just not into you" and a few days later he called me and was like all mad cause he reckon I didnt have the book and I was lying...dont ask my why NO idea...anyway he came over and I showed him the book....

 

Ok trying to cut it down as much as I can, I saw him for the 15 months and it was always I want to see you I dont want to see you from his end, sometimes he wanted a relationship then Id get the I dont know what I want and I want to date other girls etc.....When he would say we werent seeing each other anymore, If I didnt contact him hed be like all over me and stressed he didnt hear from me......because it happened so many times of course as time went on I always gave in and I guess maybe he got used to that....he never ever said he loved me excepts for twice, once he said I think Im starting to love you and the second time he said I love you and then said u wont know if Im telling the truth or not....since then hes always said he doesnt love me blah blah....but I know it seems everyone says this, I cant help but feel that he does want me, but I havent broken the pattern of his as I always run back......he says things like wouldnt it be great to have an affair...lol and when I mentioned what If i saw anyone else he said hed be really upset...He saw me talking to a guy once and he was soooooooo hurt and jealous and other times he says Ill go off and do my thing and come back in two years and marry you....

well this is what happened last weekend.....The week before that he went out with his mates and came home to me...little did I know he got some womens phone number and then took her out last weekend on the friday night.He got her really drunk and him and then he went to her house and said He didnt want to catch a taxi home as it was too far and could he stay there ( good line hey)..so he did and he slept in the same bed as her fully clothed, but he kissed her and cuddled her and he kept trying to have sex with her but she said no...anyway in the morning he left and I was at his hosue the next night watching movies while he was working with his 15 yr old daughter.He has two, the 17 yr old and I have never really clicked, but the 15 yr old loves me to death.

I had this gut feeling something was wrong, so whether this be right or not I looked in his drawer next to the bed where he keeps his condoms, and some were gone...omg I thought my fears were coming true....when he came home he was upset because he was having problems with his daughter or whatever so he took me in the kitchen and said look I dont want to see you anymore blah blah blah.....then he said can I wait in the kitchen while he talks to his daughter....I couldnt help it, I looked in his cell phone and found this message " I had a good time too, and I found your sock LOL" well I wrote the phone number of the girl on my hand and then I just walked into the lounge where he was and thought I could be calm but I flipped it...I went in there and started crying and he was like whats wrong, I said OMG who the F is this woman and it was on he went off at me for looking in his phone....we had a huge fight and I rung the woman and asked who she was and he grabbed my phone and wrecked it basically....anyways as we were fighting he said, I didnt promise you anything, If i wanna take another girl out I can, and if I dont make you happy well your better off.....after things calmed down we sat for about an hour and didnt talk.....then he cuddled me and kissed me and said lets go to bed...stupidly I went and we had sex....

Well in the morning I went home and I rang the woman and apologised....she told me where she met him blah blah and that she wanted nothing more to do with him and shes sorry blah blah....She seemed nice and I felt bad, its not her fault...anyways a couple days later my ex 17 yr old daughter called me and abused me saying I had no right to call the woman and blah blah blah...I mean her dad shouldnt of even involved her, I think that was disgusting...BUT why AM i the one in the wrong, he cheated on me and yet I was being yelled at.....

 

I know everyone will say get rid of him or whatever, but try and understand it isnt that cut and dry...I really believe there is more to this....It wasnt just sex, only a week before this I went to his friends party, he took me everywhere Involved me in everything, asked me for xmas blah blah, so saying he told me we werent together doesnt really cut it, cause his actions were different, I think maybe is he trying to hurt me before I hurt him line of thinking......sometimes that happens....

 

I really do love him and I just feel he is connected to me, and I dont want to move on to another man, I want this relationship to be worked out in the long run.

 

I downloaded the ebook cheat sheet on breaking up and getting your ex back and its pretty good...I just feel like he is deliberately pushing me away but you see when we are together I cant explain it, we are perfect together, and hes so affectionate and his actions apart from this show it....

 

Any advice on this, what you think could be going on, if you think its possible giving him time that he may come back....I dont believing in false hope and Im not moping...Im putting my life together, living for me, trying to remain happy and not putting my life on hold and Im improving me like all those self help books say.....

 

Not all relationships have to end....things can be worked out IF two people are willing to get the help, acknowledge what went wrong and move on from it.....

 

I dont want to give up on him and I feel maybe this is a test to see if Ill stick around because the others didnt....

 

What are your thoughts on all of this.....and thankyou so much for listening

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i am sorry this is so upsetting for you... i know that you want to make it work, but you can't just pretend none of this happened... and go back to the way you were before...

 

the thing is he seems willing to lie to get what he wants, and he frequently treats you very badly... if he says things like this: 'he said I love you and then said u wont know if Im telling the truth or not....', then he is being cruel and even telling you that he could be lying, and he has obviously lied about this woman and maybe other women, especially if he is breaking up and then getting back together...

 

every time he treats you badly and you put up with it and take him back,he is learning there are no consequences for treating you badly, he can just do what he wants... and it sounds like he has temper tantrums like a little boy, not a middle aged man....

 

sometimes we will excuse really bad behavior in a partner because we come up with an excuse like 'he is afraid of being hurt...' but really, it looks more like that is not the problem, more like he just wants to come and go as he pleases and do what he wants and not really commit to you...

 

so you can continue in this pattern, but most likely will continue getting treated this way. you seem to be able to be mad at his daughter for yelling at you, but why aren't you madder at him for cheating on you,yelling at you, and treating you badly? i think you very much don't want to see his behavior for what it is, or you would have to make the hard decision to leave him...

 

if you are not ready to go yet, then you can try to talk to him seriously, and ask him what the chances are that he wants to be in a committed, faithful relationship with you... if he tells you he has no intentions of that, then you can just expect for him to continue the way he has been. and you run the risk of being faithful to him, while he is out looking for other women...

 

please do some more research on men who are abusive, and think really hard about what life will be like for you if he continues behaving this way and does NOT change. he doesn't seem to want to change, and you keep running back to him no matter how badly he behaves, so he has no incentive to change....

 

my own recommendation would be to let the breakup take, and go into no contact with him and see if he cares enough to really come after you and make a change in himself... but if he just wanders off, or continues in the same pattern, it really sounds like your life will be miserable if you stay with him...

 

sorry, i would like to say there is lots of hope, but there is only hope if he wants to change his behavior... if not, then you will just be mistreated forever by him...

[shadow34]

Hi and thanks for your response.

 

Oh dont get me wrong at all, I am no way in denial about how he treated me, not one little bit. And you are absolutely correct, he is a selfish person consumed by what only he wants, I mean I know for a fact he told me he has cheated on all of his partners, even his wife.....

 

My point was that Im not excusing his behaviour at all, we have all been hurt, we all have baggage and we have to learn to let that go in order to make a relationship work....

 

What my question was, is no contact the way to go if you want them to come back....

 

Im not really mad at his daughter, I was more hurt and crikey, I was mad at him dont u worry, it was one hell of a fight trust me I let him know exactly that I wont tolerate it....

 

But it is possible for people to realise what they had and decide its worth changing their ways...dont you think???....

 

I would not ever go back to how it was before, nothing is worth that and I am worth so much more so I know that score there...

 

But there is a lot of psychology behind it so i certainly am not blind sighted to what is going on, just wanted a perspective on those things, not his unexcusable behaviour..