hurting so much

[shane3]

I broke up with her 17 days ago because she was still in love with 'him'. Ugh! She said she wanted to stay friends, and I agreed, but I haven't heard from her at all. No phone calls. No emails. Nothing!

 

This sucks! I'm hurting so frigging bad over this girl!

 

I'm starting to think that I have to suck it up and move on, that there won't be a friendship. Damn, this hurts!

[kekep]

hey there shane,

 

i think you'll find a lot of people on here have experienced a similar situation to yours. you said your ex is "still in love with him"? was that her ex? if so, then you probably did the right thing to end it. who wants to be with someone who is in love with another person?

 

staying friends right after a breakup is downright impossible; there is too much water under the bridge, resentment, longing, attraction, etc. for there to be a genuine friendship right now. you need time; she needs time. right now, the focus needs to be on you and your healing. remaining friends will prevent that from happening.

 

best wishes to you, i know it's tough, esp. so soon after a breakup

[wayner427]

I think you and her need some time to move on before friendship can occur. Try to get your mind off of it all by doing things that you enjoy that don't involve her. Trying to be friends immediately after a breakup is very rare in my opinion. You need to give it a lot more time.

[shane3]

We were friends first, for a long time, and I'm not ready to lose the friendship, but it seems I have no choice.

 

We had agreed to stay friends if things didn't work out, but I guess that isn't really something people can promise to each other? I don't know. It just hurts.

 

I think she still had feelings for this other guy all along. I feel so used right now.

[Daddy Bear]

Sorry to read of your current situation, shane3. Nothing, with the lone exception of a loved one's untimely death, hurts the soul more than being a 'dumpee', and most of us get caught off guard and unprepared when it happens. Who cares about multipular-cation tables... why in God's name don't they warn us about these things in school, and tell us how to cope???

 

Little tip: it's just not feasible to be friends with someone you still want a relationship with but who's moved on (have you seen Sideways?) If I were you, I'd fully abandon that idea for my own health's sake. Who's numero uno? You are. Never forget that you, and not your ex, have the immense primary responsibility of watching shane3's back.

 

Yeah, you're in a crap spot at the moment; there's no denying. But life must continue... and somewhere in the back of your mind, behind all the pain and grief and feelings of loss, don't you kind of wonder--just a tiny bit--what your next girl will be like?

[NorCaSpinna]

Hey Shane,

 

I want to join everyone else in saying sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, growing hurts sometimes.

 

I know that you would like to keep her as a friend. Whether it's for the purpose of being around in case she changes her mind someday or if it's because you can't stand the idea of losing her completely, I don't know.

 

What I DO know is my own experience and what I think is the better way. I actually was the dumper in my relationship. Almost immediately after I dumped her, I started talking with her again. I was still fine from the breakup (the shock hadn't set in.) And then she decided that she didn't want to speak with me and my life was...for lack of better words, turned upside down. I was an emotional wreck. 3 months later, I still find myself not back 100%.

 

With this, I am telling you, from personal experience, I would suggest that you do your best to remove yourself from her altogether. Especially in this situation. She has clearly (through her actions) shown where she stands. This should be a clear indicator to you. I know that it hurts and that you feel used. But why involve yourself with someone who could take your feelings and throw them out the door?

 

Looking back, if I had kept myself from talking with her, I would have probably been doing a lot better than I have been. Start new hobbies, pick old ones back up. Talk with friends. Meet new people. READ BOOKS. Self-Improvement is the one thing I wish I would have done with all the time I spent crying and being depressed over the last few months. Get started on it and you will have at least that to look forward to.

 

And as I mentioned in the first paragraph, you have grown and will continue to grow from this experience....food for thought.

 

Good luck!

[shane3]

I can't stand the idea of losing her friendship.

 

I wasn't sure if the romance would work out or not, but losing the friendship, it's just so harsh.

 

I got involved knowing things didn't work out with 'him', so I knew I was taking some level of risk (possibly her rebound), but she and I were friends for years. It was a mutual decision to find out if there was more than friendship between us. I don't know...maybe her feelings for me weren't as deep as she professed them to be! ...or maybe she was lying about her ongoing feelings for him! Ugh!

 

I just don't understand her silence. Maybe 'he' isn't cool with she and I being friends?