my story

[peaceseeker]

Hello every-one

 

I found this site by chance at about 2 am three nights ago. I spent the next three hours avidly absorbing others heartbreak. It made my realise that I was not alone in my intense sense of loss. It also made my realise that we are all very similar in a lot of ways. I suppose that is reassuring, but in some ways it kind of belittles what I am going through (yes, I admit to being one of those people who thought no-one had ever been treated the way I have and that no-one could possibly feel as hurt as me....how wrong I was!).

 

Here is my story, for those who read it, thanks for listening. It may be long! I think writing it down and letting it float into cyber space may be cathartic and I am looking to heal. I am 33 years old, I met EB (also 33) when I was 29, it took me 29 years to find some-one who I was truly comfortable with, so I am going through this for the first time. I had had other relationships, just none that I had let myself really show, and thereforeeee been so vulnerable.

 

From the first day, I knew EB was special, well at least, to me. He was one of those people who does not meet you and immediately tell you all the good things about himself. He was quiet, gentle, respectful and really talented at many things. We became best friends, finding ourselves naturally spending a lot of time together. He was in the process of getting over a long term relationship....it's funny how I never really wondered what had happened, that is until now. Our friendship grew, we kissed early on, he told me he was not ready for a relationship and although I was disappointed I accepted that we would only be friends.

 

A year passed, we both moved to another state to work. We were living in a house with three other friends. I was hugely surprised the night he told me he wanted to be with me....although I got used to friendship, I know underneath I longed for more. He then vacillated, "not sure", not about really liking me, but about being in a relationship. He told me, "I can not see why I would ever want to break up with you and that scares me". Two days later he said "I've thought about it, I want to be with you"

 

The next two and half years are a happy blur. We had so much fun, there were few issues, everything seemed easy and progressed naturally. We could talk about things.... we talked about commitment, acknowledging it has been an issue for both of us. He told me "it's different with you". I became comfortable, I believed in him and I trusted him implicitly. We came accross of few hurdles, but seemed to work through them, life was good, I don't think it was only me who thought this. We made plans, investments, he told me I was the one he wanted to have children with. At a friend's wedding one day, he asked me what I thought about marriage. I asked him why and he said " i just want to make sure you will say yes when i ask you".

 

Time passed, we moved again. Life became a bit more mundane, we were both studying and working more than full time. I was stressed, as I always am when faced with big exams. Things were a bit flat between us for about a month. I attributed that to what was going on in our lives, I never doubted "us" for a second.

 

Then one day, now nine weeks ago, he got up, packed three bags and walked out, no warning, no discussion, no explanation. All he could say was "I freaked out, I have doubts, I need 100 percent assurance". I could not have been more shocked, more devastated. Like most women I went into shut down, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was totally amazed how many tears the body can make. Like most men he got on with things, went to work, played sport, seemed fine......that hurt. I did all the cliched break-up things, I rang him up crying hysterically, I sent tormented text messages, I turned up on him doorstep, still crying. I searched and dug and poked and needled, trying desperately to find some answers. Alas, the were none, at least none that could satisfy my bleeding heart. It seemed to me that he was no longer present in his body, it looked like him, it sounded like him, but there the resemblance ended. He told me "I have retreated within and battened down the hatches, that is the only way I can do this". We went through hell, the moving day was awful, he hired a truck, came into our house and went through all our things, I watched in horror, so distressed. I helped him move, went in the truck to his new home, it was horrible.

 

I had never even considered the concept of NC, I had had no reason to. Like most people who have never experienced the end of a significant relationship, breaking up was something that happened to "other people" and didn't you just get on with life......how different it is when those "other people" become you and the person you thought would be there forever. Anyhow, NC was kind of a natural progression for me, there is only so many times I could put my heart out to be crushed and discarded. It was kind of funny to read on this web-site, what a well known stage NC is. I was sooooo naive about this break-up thing. I'm not saying that at a moment of weakness and they are pretty frequent right now, that I will not break NC (it had been two weeks), I hope I don't, cause my mind knows it's a pathway for more pain, I just wish my heart would stand-up and catch up to the mind.

 

What I want is to heal, I want to feel, to mourn, not to repress and to come out the other-side and be "OK". I never thought it would be so hard and from what I have read there is a lot more to come. Hopefully some of you will have some experiences to share and some suggestions.....thanks for listening.

 

Peaceseeker

[b2761]

I'm sorry this happened to you. It unfortunately happens to a lot of people in their lives, but it's never easy- and especially when you've really only stuck your neck out infrequently in your life.

 

This is going to sound strange but because his desertion was so severe, it actually might help you move through the process of getting over him easier. They say that sometimes the kindest thing you can do to someone you're breaking up with is give them a kick in the gut, and he certainly did that. The way he handled the breakup was so deplorable and inconsiderate of you, it will actually make it a bit easier to get over him in the long run because there's no good excuse or explanation. Pity the people who get months and years of ambiguity with the sickening lingering sensation things are going to end.

 

Keep reading posts and see how other people have dealt with their loss. Someone may have suggested the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" to you- it has some helpful things in it.

 

Like just about everything in the world- the process is going to take longer than you want it to. But remember that this didn't end the way it did because of something you did wrong. His 'vanish in the night' is a classic commitmentphobic tactic (read "Men Who Can't Love" to find out more about commitmentphobes). This person was a ticking time bomb and eventually the bomb went off. Somehow it sometimes helps to think how things could have been worse- like if the two of you had been together a long time with alot more good memories to get over, and had had children, etc. (which would have necessitated a lifetime of involvement).

 

I hope you in time find the peace that you seek.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Peaceseeker,

Welcome to ENA.

I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, though

 

Reading through the other threads were very helpful for me when I first came here after my own break-up.

 

Keeping a journal also helped me vent all the things I had to say but knew I couldn't (and shouldn't) say them to him ...

 

Please know that we're here to support you in any way we can.

 

Take care of yourself and please be extra kind to yourself while you heal: please do not shortchange the importance of sleep, rest, food, water, exercise, fresh air, etc etc -- you need all of this to regain your emotional stability as well as physical strength ...

 

Hang in there!

 

Sending a great big hug your way,

Ellie

[peaceseeker]

Thanks for your thoughts B2671, maybe you are right, being dumped like that does not leave much of a "maybe". so you are forced to just get on with life.....doesn't feel that good at the time though!

 

 

Thanks Ellie2006, it good to know you are out there. I have been doing the journal/writing thing and you are right, it helps.

 

What do you think?? At the end of a relationship that has always seemed good and suddenly one person runs away, do you always look back and see all these things that were wrong and that you were unable to see before???

[SadOldMan]

I'm starting to view my 12 year old relationship that ended recently in only a bad light atm. Only because I'm so full of anger and hurt of course ;-)