the pain... the pain...

[b2761]

There's a woman I've been friends with for more than a year. To my surprise, my feelings for her started changing to romantic last summer. There's a mutual friend we have- a very flirty guy- and he asked me at some point if I was interested in any women. I admitted I'd started getting interested in X. And seemingly right around then, when all of us would be together, he seemed to ramp up his flirtiness with her- hugging her longer, saying stuff like "Oh, I can't help touching your hair- it's so wavy!" While I and another person would be left just sort of standing there awkwardly.

 

It seemed to me to be a pretty messed up thing to do to do that stuff right in front of me. I asked him eventually (in summer) if he had feelings for her and he said no- said he wasn't interested in having a gf and if he was, it wouldn't be x. But he seems to enjoy setting up 'special friends' relationships with various women (as he terms them)- old girlfriends, new women to flirt with- so he gets the buzz of attraction and flirtation but doesn't have to do anything about it (these don't get beyond flirtation- not 'friends with benefits'- but heavy flirtation all the same). Also he now has had a gf for a few months.

 

So a few months later, I felt I had to get it out to X that I had feelings for her. I didn't know if she had them for me- she's a shy person, too, and you get two shy people involved and before you know it, it's "The Remains of the Day" and years go by without anything happening. I think I probably didn't handle that discussion with her well- but I think had she been interested, it would've come together (more on that in another thread soon). The bottom line is, friends is probably where it is going to stay for us.

 

But the mutual guy friend still does his flirty thing with her. I've got no justification to be jealous, but I am all the same. And I find out things he does- like on NYE, he went out to dinner with X 'spontaneously', then hooked up with his gf later at a party that night for the full on festivities. (NYE is kind of a 'loaded' evening for him to choose to ask x to dinner, wouldn't you say?). We're all supposed to be friends, but he didn't invite me to join them. And I find out more recently, they went to an event together I also would have liked to have gone to when- once again, I wasn't invited.

 

I realize that because my talking about dating, etc. might have freaked X out, that she feels comparatively safe hanging with this other guy. After all, he's got a gf, so she can enjoy the flirtation without having to worry about it 'meaning anything'.

 

Now, what's difficult is we're all in a series of classes together (we're all in our 30s- it's an acting thing), and I can't drop out of them. We all get together three times a week and this is going to happen for the next year and a half at least! I realize totally that NC would be the best thing for me when it comes to both her and him, but it's a hard thing to do when you've got regular contact coming, and if you step back, it feels like it will be just "Oh- look at him. He's blocking us out cause he's so hurt." (yes-that's my 'worst case scenario' voice talking). Dropping out of the class altogether would require alot of explaining to alot of people- and I'd like to stay in it cause I do get other things out of it. I feel like if I told X 'it hurts me when you guys leave me out of stuff', it's going to make the situation more uncomfortable, not better. It also seems like if you have to ask to be included, that that says something about the situation.

 

I wish I could just fast forward to that place where seeing her will mean nothing to me- or to get in a time machine and never started to feel other feelings for her! (if only the procedure in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was real!) And I will discuss some of that in another thread, cause I realize that the bulk of my 'jealousy' here has to do with that she doesn't want to be with me vs. it being that she's in any way interested in him romantically. But it annoys me that he keeps doing that overtly flirty thing with her in front of me, too.

 

Has anyone ever had a situation like this?

[robowarrior]

What has being shy ever given you for reward? Nothing so trash it, i think you should have never said to that 'so called friend' that you were interested in her, he's a backstabber and wanted to take that girl away from you. Although you shouldn't get angry for that, because you basically initiated his interest in her due to telling who you were after. Just ask her out, its a win win situation for you, if she says no you can move on with your life, if she says yes you have a date.