Just hard core pointers, please, folks.

[itsallgrand]

Advice for being there for a friend who has been the recent victim of a violent crime?

 

I'm feeling a little incompetent right now.

 

Thinking, what with having some history of my own with violent crime, I would be able to hold strong or some such crazy thing. To know what to do, and not realize how incredibly hard this is.

 

Thing is, my friend didn't even tell anyone except those who were right there until a few weeks later.

I get that. I do.

 

This is rough. When I first found out , real recently, I got mad (alone, to my walls). Later, I cried when out of human view.

I started occupying myself with stupid things, waiting and trying to compose myself for my friend.

Let it known that I was there. Didn't know what to do or say. Tried my best, but how to know if it is good enough.

 

This side of the fence, friends, I don't know. Please help me if you can to do what is right for my friend.

 

I am very aware of my own 'crap' and have a firm determination not to let that spill out nor put the attention back on me.

Yet, I can't deny to myself that it is a real struggle, my own personal feelings about all this.

 

What happened to my friend, seeing the hurt and hopelessness, the huge changes in habits and personality, this is plain HARD.

Complicated feelings, insights, trust and sense of security violations, the whole schebang.

 

I know I can be someone and something good here, I can do something worthywhile for a very important beautiful person.

I'm just not sure how. The DETAILS.

 

And just as importantly, what NOT to do.

 

As you good ones here who have been sweet enough to endure lots of my posts probably already see, I do have some difficulties with delicacy.

 

So far, there has been some disclosures made to me. I wanted to break out into a bawl right there! To hear it! To see how this has affected my beautiful friend.

 

All I have done is kept quiet and listened. Echoing back sometimes and affirming.

Sometimes, rephrasing or trying to put into words a feeling i can tell is bursting to come out.

I'm just trying to be as 'normal' as I can and calm n stable as I can.

 

Those trained in this stuff, those who just know how to be really super and even tempered friends or who have been there for someone after violent crime: All input is welcome.

 

This has hit a nerve so basic and deep in me. I could go on and on; but now this is diffrent and there is no time for me to go out doing anything stupid, cause this affects one of my best friends.

 

And I see a turning and desire to violence as a solution, a not care an anger I know very well, coming from my friend. Stewing.

 

Twofold, it has reignited old hate and anger in me. I've got a few techniques (ok, learning a boatload of em) to deal with such things and it all seems piss poor at the moment.

All that matters, in my pathetic little universe, is that somebody is there to care - that is all that stops me.

So maybe that could be so for others as well? Someone to hold onto you so you don't get sucked in. To care enough to watch your back. Til the smoke clears a bit.

 

god, help me to be there the best i can. Teach me. Point me.

 

thanks so much.

[Daddy Bear]

Grandy, I also know someone who was recently the victim of a terrible violent crime. I made and sent her a little music video with Windows XP's MovieMaker, telling her in captions how I loved her as a friend and how I needed her for support as well. I hope it helps her, and I hope it sparks an idea in you.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi ItsAllGrand,

 

I think the most important things are there right in your post - you KNOW what to do, you instinctively are okay with this. Even the fact that you're nervous about what to do, that's really good as well, because you care and you want to help your friend.

 

A couple of observations - let your friend talk, don't offer solutions/remedies/answers, but keeping asking questions sensitively "how do you feel?" "are you having thoughts/reactions you weren't expecting to have which have taken you by surprise?" etc. So that you can get her to talk without overwhelming her.

 

Secondly - I don't know if this is right or not, but you alluded to it - try to not keep referring back to your own experience. Maybe now and again, but as you say, you don't want to inadvertently make this about you. But as you're very well aware of this, I don't think you will do that. It's just that each scenario is different, each reaction is different.

 

I think in difficult circumstances, a friend is someone who is there no matter what. Who asks the questions and wants to listen to the responses. Who knows that there are no easy answers or solutions, but will hold their hand and be there for them

 

On a very traumatic night in my life, a friend sat up with me all night holding my hand. He didn't know what to do or say, but he stayed with me anyway - and I will never ever forget that he did that; I am so grateful to him. I think just sticking with someone no matter what, not getting embarrassed or upset, but just being there, is the greatest gift. Being understanding and LETTING someone vent and react, not having to monitor their behaviour for fear of upsetting you.

 

I'm so sorry for your friend and for you - I hope that things go peacefully for you both. You sound like a fabulous friend, and I wish that everyone had someone like you in their lives.

 

Take good care.

[Hope75]

All I have done is kept quiet and listened. Echoing back sometimes and affirming.

Sometimes, rephrasing or trying to put into words a feeling i can tell is bursting to come out.

I'm just trying to be as 'normal' as I can and calm n stable as I can.

 

This is perfect.

 

You aren't expected to have the answers. Just being there for her and letting her talk is exactly what she needs.

 

I'm sorry this happened to your friend.

[Juliana]

The first thing to do is to provide validation; acceptance of her version of events, without question. The point here is not to establish factually what went on, but to move her through the emotional process of overcoming the trauma.

 

The second thing, provided on the heels of the first, is acceptance of her anger, her fear, the complete emotional spectrum that she is presenting. It's normal. Oftentimes people draw back from strong emotion or neediness; I don't know why. This is not a permanent state that she is going to be in, this is a transitional reaction. People who haven't gone through traumatic events sometimes don't comprehend the extreme emotions that can arise in the aftermath, as we heal.

 

Finally, there needs to be an implicit if not overt demonstration of your belief that she will get over this and her life will continue on as she wants it. Her dreams and ambitions, her sense of herself as competent and deserving, has to be preserved or regained. You remember her as she was, and you know she is the same person even though this has happened to her. She needs that faith that she will get herself back.

 

Even though you don't discuss your own tragedies (and I agree with that), it will colour your responses and deepen your compassion for her now. Life is full of tragedy and meaningless violence, and human response to it is the same accross the board, no matter what culture they come from. The crucial difference that those who overcome trauma quickly all have in common is social support and a perception of themselves as being accepted and wanted by their social group, even thought his thing has happened to them Typically, trauma survivors do best when they are counselled by other trauma survivors, because there they know they are understood and accepted as they are. You are probably far and away the best person for your friend to talk to.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks so much guy and girls. That helps tremendously.

 

Benty - that was a really sweet way to be there for your bud. Says a lot about you too.

 

Me, my first instinct was to cook. I have good memories of someone being there for me after a really horrible situation, and she just started cooking and taking charge. That was something comforting about that.

 

It's weird though the things you sometimes forget, like the basics. I phoned my friend today just to say hi and let her know she has and always will mean a lot to me.

She was said she was feeling like she had not a friend in the world, and thank you for telling her that.

 

So easy to forget that sometimes we just need to say those things that seem to obvious. Have taken it for granted at times that she knows how much I care.

 

thanks again guys, for the concrete help and encouragement.