Hear me out

[Fatpot]

"Avoiding Fall"

By: Fatpot

 

I have this tendency to avoid Fall,

Leading me to countless attempts to stall,

But time won't stop for me,

No,

Crash and burn, fireball.

 

A week ago I was ready to use a pistol,

Blow my brains out,

A couple days ago my perspective changed a little,

Thinking about the things I'd leave without.

 

But these demons in my head won't leave me alone,

I try to colour my world again, but they shade it monotone,

Over, and over, and over, and over,

I should've known.

 

Every time I think about seeking aid,

The light in the room begins to fade,

And my head starts spinning,

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid.

 

Now I'm back in the haze,

Setting my inhibitions ablaze,

Counting the days,

I'm running out of time,

And I'm running out of ways.

 

Another hour has gone by,

I'd sigh, but there's no point,

Because this is just another attempt to stall,

Another day where I'm avoiding Fall.

[Fatpot]

"Blah, blah"

By: Fatpot

 

Tonight I'm feeling a little ill,

Guess I popped one too many pills,

This self-destructive behaviour is getting worse,

Pushing me back, driving in reverse.

 

I really don't know what to say anymore,

Thoughts adrift, confused, unsure,

This is how I get through the weekend,

But it's already becoming a daily trend.

 

Two more days to go,

Then I temporary suspend this sorrow,

Until another week has gone by,

And I'll sit here again wondering why.

[Fatpot]

"Pulling the trigger"

By: Fatpot

 

People wonder why I love bad trips,

Like staring into the sun during a dark eclipse,

It's just my way of staying alive,

About to lose it, but then I survive.

 

Looking down the barrel of death,

Letting everything go, taking my last breath,

Pulling the trigger, but nothing happens,

Haze lifted, my mind straightens.

 

An empty shell I've now become,

The bad gone, the good I welcome,

Found a new perspective once again,

Looking forward instead of back then.

 

Now I got a grin on my face,

Knowing the crazy left for someplace,

Waking up the next morning with a smile,

Makes pulling the trigger worthwhile.

[Fatpot]

"The wrong reasons"

By: Fatpot

 

Something in my mind went click,

Today I did something I used to consider sick,

I went for help, for the wrong reasons, but I still went,

Perhaps now I may begin my ascent.

 

Although nothing is set in stone,

I'm pretty proud I did this on my own,

Something happened over the weekend that changed my mind,

Realized that I'm tired of being confined.

 

My mind has been in torment this past year,

Started to run out of options, I lived in fear,

Thinking that I'd have a weak moment and end it all,

Never once have I tried to stand tall.

 

I went for the wrong reasons today,

Didn't tell what's really going on to my dismay,

But maybe the wrong reasons are enough,

Because it's a start and starting is tough.

[Fatpot]

"Denial?"

By: Fatpot

 

Even though help was sought,

And the meds been bought,

A new problem arises that I can't figure out,

I feel normal again, normal enough to bailout.

 

It's funny how I magically feel better,

My mind telling me not to go any further,

Going crazy and wanting to die,

Was it all a big lie?

 

Now I'm debating treatment,

A sane person don't need to be a patient,

Should I keep going or stop before it gets too late?

Wondering if there's anyone to set me straight.

[Fatpot]

"Sift"

By: Fatpot

 

Tonight I saw a spark,

As I journeyed through this dark tunnel,

For a split second hope flickered,

I closed my eyes and felt kind of blissful.

 

Thinking about the things I'm losing,

All so I can deal with a little pain,

But listening to this song,

I think about all the things I'm going to gain.

 

Sometimes I wonder where I'll be in a year or two,

Still doubtful that things will be alright,

But I guess I just got to keep on going,

Things could've been much worse in hindsight.

 

Still, I wish I could've been stronger,

Then I wouldn't have had to seek aid,

And nothing would've changed,

Everything I loved would've stayed.

 

But I guess I should put all that behind me,

Because there's no reason for me to fret,

As I've had a memorable good run,

And now I should live my life without regret.

[Fatpot]

"Grime"

By: Fatpot

 

I lost more things today,

Things I looked forward to,

Things that kept me going,

Things I value.

 

I don't know why life likes to screw with me,

But it sure is doing a great job,

Thanks a lot life,

You've made a grown man sob.

 

I guess I should be used to this by now,

After all, this isn't the first time,

Just pile it up,

Pack it onto the collected grime.

 

I lost something else today,

My mind left and I can't seem to find it,

Tell me if anyone's seen it ok?

Sure hope it didn't quit.

[Fatpot]

"Pointless"

By: Fatpot

 

In this pointless battle,

Wills shattered,

Bones battered,

We weep, we weep.

 

Embracing the end,

Bodies going numb,

From the calming death,

We sleep; we sleep.

 

There's nothing we can do,

It was pointless to fight,

We shouldn't have tried,

We shouldn't have tried.

[Ellie2006]

Hey FP,

Hope all is well with you.

 

I like the ones you recently shared with us but this one's my fav.

Maybe bc it reminds me of a song that I really like: "Spark" by The Bird and the Bee.

 

Thank you.

[Fatpot]

Hey FP,

Hope all is well with you.

 

I like the ones you recently shared with us but this one's my fav.

Maybe bc it reminds me of a song that I really like: "Spark" by The Bird and the Bee.

 

Thank you.

 

No Ellie, thank YOU.

 

"Out of gas"

By: Fatpot

 

I walk this thorny path,

As it cuts my pale bare feet.

 

I lay beside the great bonfire,

As it grills my stale meat.

 

I expose myself to the vultures,

As they've finally found something to eat.

[Fatpot]

"Caving Pt1&2"

By: Fatpot

 

I've been battling a certain demon for a year long,

Trying my best to stay up and stand strong,

But lately I've been wondering what's the use,

There'll come a day when I cave and won't refuse.

 

So why can't that day be today?

I mean, it's going to happen anyway,

So why can't that day be today?

No more teasing, no more foreplay.

 

Let me cave and quiver in ecstasy,

Let that demon become one with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently I've been living in a twilight zone,

Everyday is the same day no matter what I do,

Can never dial the right numbers on my cell phone,

Kind of reminds me of that silly curfew.

 

Everything I do is pointless,

Because in the end my mind resets,

Life really has no purpose,

Might as well cave with no regrets.

 

Since caving is all that I think about,

Might as well go back to being a burnout.

[Fatpot]

"Brief"

By: Fatpot

 

Remembering those moments in life,

Where I looked up at the sky and smiled,

Wishing the day would never end,

I let my thoughts run wild.

 

It's funny how clouded my days usually are,

I tend to forget that there are good times too,

Probably because they are so rare,

But that's ok as long as I still have a clue.

[Fatpot]

"DeBrain"

By: Fatpot

 

With every beat my heart makes,

My brain screams “O’ for * * * * sakes!”

Why are you still breathing son?

Didn’t you already have a good run?

 

I say it’s not time yet, no,

My brain tells me I’m done; just go,

I’m fighting an endless war in my head,

Writing in the dark, lying on my bed.

 

Pump, Pump, Pump, Pump,

Jump, Jump, Jump, Jump,

I know you want to,

You know you want to.

 

Get it over with and we’ll be done,

Who cares, we’ve had our fun,

This is the only way Den,

Close your eyes, count to ten.

 

Wait hold on, what am I thinking?

You’re not thinking, you’re sinking,

Sinking into this * * * * you’ve made,

Feel emptier; begin to fade.

 

No, I’m not letting you control me,

I can fight, I can win, you’ll see,

Ah, but it’s too late for you to try,

You’re already beginning to fret and sigh.

 

I won’t give up; no I won’t,

Courage eh? Oh no you don’t,

You’ve tried it before and what?

All you gained was an empty feeling in your gut.

 

Don’t bother trying to erase me now,

Don’t fight me now,

I’ve already become you,

Fighting me means fighting you too.

 

You got nothing to say to me anymore?

Accepted that there’s nothing worth fighting for?

Good, listen to me and never disobey me,

Disobey me and you’re lost at sea.

 

 

This * * * *er screams at me everyday,

When I’m bored, sitting there, got nothing to say,

Sometimes I just ignore him,

But sometimes I act on a whim.

 

Sometimes I think he’s right,

I mean, when’s the last time I’ve seen the light?

But sometimes I know it’s just me,

* * * * just gets too hazy, hard to see.

 

I don’t know if I’ll ever be free,

Maybe I’ll just sit back and see,

But that’s how it wants to be done,

And if that’s the case, it’s already won.

[Fatpot]

"Four"

By: Fatpot

 

My shrink told me something interesting the other week,

Says the problem isn't with the drugs I seek,

But that I sealed my feelings of joy in a jar,

A jar that tantalizes me from afar.

 

I found this funny, but awfully true,

It explains why I can't escape this dark shade of blue,

So I guess the question here is why?

Sorry, but if I knew the answer, I wouldn't have wanted to die.

 

Life is mundane as it was back then,

Wanted to feel free ever since I turned ten,

She asked me what I meant by feeling free,

I couldn't really explain it, but it's something like being on E.

 

She told me to visualize a prison in my mind,

Picture these chains attached to me that I can't unbind,

Then realize that those chains were set by me,

And that I was the one who threw away the key.

 

Those words struck me like the thunder of Thor,

I was curious, I really wanted to know more,

But time was up so she left it at that,

Scheduled me next week for another chat.

[Ellie2006]

FP,

This last one was exceptional, I thought.

You have such a way with words: I esp. liked the images evoked by "sealed jar of joy" and the "dark shade of blue."

 

Hope you're feeling better this week ...

[Fatpot]

So I'm seeing a shrink now Ellie......it's not helping much, but I'll keep trying

[Fatpot]

"Urges"

By: Fatpot

 

Tonight I drove and I drove far,

I drove to the place that is filled with tar,

Or so it appeared to be at the time,

For night was truly at its prime.

 

I didn't have much, so I made it quick,

I sat near the endless void, still like a brick,

I shook when the cold breeze hit me,

I began to fear the end; I really wasn't ready.

 

To think that I'll be here again soon,

Perhaps it'll be better sometime during noon,

At least it'll be bright and I'll be able to see,

I'll be able to see what's become of me.

 

So that was it and I promptly drove home,

I drove fast and I didn't roam,

I didn't think nor did I feel,

I only questioned if any of this was real.

[Fatpot]

I can't shake this weird feeling,

Listening to this song, staring at the ceiling,

All I do is sigh,

All I do is wish these thoughts goodbye.

[Ellie2006]

FP, I know what I am saying is getting redundant but you're very talented.

I feel very lucky to get a glimpse into your world via the words and images you graciously share with us. Thanks.

[Fatpot]

Ellie, I know this is also getting redudant, but thank you for your support.

---------------

"Pang" Pt.1

By: Fatpot

 

I barely remember your voice,

I barely remember your smile,

I can barely picture you in my head,

Dad, sixteen years is a long while.

 

Where have you been? Are you still alive?

I think you're already dead, where's your tombstone?

Last time we met you gave me some pictures,

I put them in the trashcan with a frustrated groan.

 

I knew you were leaving for good that day,

But I couldn't keep those pictures,

They were going to be torn apart anyways,

So I ended it before anyone else suffered.

 

They told me you started a new family elsewhere,

I told them I didn't care,

And they also told me you had lung cancer,

That, I thought was a bit unfair.

 

It's been sixteen years, Dad,

And I realize that you're not coming back,

Maybe one day I'll visit our last standing memory,

That place where the horses made you lose track.

[Fatpot]

"Late"

By: Fatpot

 

Anxiety washes over me all of a sudden,

What's wrong? Why is my mind in caution?

One day I'll wake up and I'll be forty,

And I'm going to wonder where my life has gone.

 

I never thought that it'd come to this,

Something had gone amiss,

Already regretting things I haven't done,

Already lost before I've won.

 

Of course this is just another chapter in my life,

Perhaps next time I'll find myself a wife,

Or maybe I won't and I'll just rot alone,

Disappear from this world unknown.

 

Now I'm in fear,

Time becomes merciless year after year,

I can't go back,

It's too late.

[Fatpot]

"Silver Skies Erase Blue Sighs"

By: Fatpot

 

Silver skies erase blue sighs,

Year after year, I become more wise,

To think that I'm smiling again,

To feel like I'm a free man,

 

Like a bird that's finally spread its wings,

Like a parent embracing its newborn offspring,

There's nothing better than this,

Nothing.