I am DONE with him...AGAIN. Super long but PLEASE HELP

[NolaDarling]

I am so glad that I just came accross this forum and am really looking forward to receiving some much needed help, advice and support. So I will give you a bit of history about my relationship with M...

 

We have been together off and on for 4 years. From the very beginning something was off though. I found myself being very unsure of myself within the relationship, needy/clingy and jealous. I was NEVER like that in previous relationships. Nevertheless, there was just something about him that had a hold on me from the beginning. Perhaps it was his super cool, laid back, damn near nonchalant attitude about everything. He appeared to be super confident...many would even say cocky. Everyone of my friends that met him said there was just something about him that just didn't sit well with them. But nevertheless, I stayed...

 

Things were going well for the first year or so...of course we had our ups and downs...but normal stuff. We even lived together for a while. I can't pinpoint when things went sour though...oh wait, I think I know...

 

He started drinking...excessively. We went to a birthday party for an exboyfriend of mine (who is still a close friend of mine...NOTHING MORE). I thought that it was a good idea of me to bring M with me so that he could meet my ex and see that we were nothing but friends. He seemed cool the entire night...although he was drinking ALOT. My ex ended up vommiting in the nightclub from drinking too much...yeah, I know...gross. So I had to take him home because he was damn near unconscious. We left the club and I told my bf, M that I was taking T home and that I would be right back. It ended up taking me a hour to bring him home and get back to the club...my ex is a BIG guy...6'4 275lbs and I had to help him up 3 flights of stairs and get him into bed. Nevertheless, I got back to the club and my bf M as soon as I could. As soon as I walked into the club, I saw my bf and waved to let him know that I was back. I had never seen that look in his eyes before...he basically charged at me and before I knew it he had me up off the ground by my neck. Long story short...appearantly he didn't hear me when I told him that I was taking T back home and that I would be right back. So he sees is me leaving with him. He asks arounds and a bunch of T's friends told him that I went home with T. So for a hour he is sitting there wondering what was going on while continuing to drink and drink. In his drunken state he had thought I was having sex with my ex. So after that is the first time we broke up...

 

Stupid me...I took him back a month or so later. After several apologies and him literally crying...he even sworn off drinking. Everyone makes mistakes right...so I forgave him.

 

Well months down the line it happened again...at my friend's weddings in our hotel room. He NEVER hit me...just choked me...I broke up with him again.

 

By Halloween we were talking about getting back together but weren't officially dating again when we decided to go to a Halloween party together. He got excessively drunk but no physical violence. The next morning someone knocked on the door. I thought it was his mother because he told me he was going to a wedding with her the next day. But instead it was some girl who said she was his girlfriend. So apparently he had started dating her when we broke up....which I couldn't really be upset about since we weren't officially back together. Nevertheless, I felt like I was on an episode of Cheaters or something. It was horrible.

 

But yet, I took him back and he swore that he broke things off with her. Come to find out (after much investigative work on my part...hacking into his voicemail, email account, text messages, cell phone call log, etc) he was still dealing with her after we got back together. He denied it and denied it...until I finally showed him the proof that I had. So after we had it out...he called her on speaker phone and told her that he was with me and he loved me and that he was ending things with her. Mind you, I am very ashamed of this behavior...I turned into this crazy, jealous psychotic girlfriend...but everytime I looked...I found something!

 

So here recently we broke up again this past October. He got excessively drunk again...didn't put his hands on me but I was scared that he was going to really hurt me. We had just decided that week that he was going to move in with me for a little while. The next day I kicked him out and me and my mom dropped off his stuff over to his mother's house. So now my family and friends know about all of this...the drinking and the violence. We both started seeing other people. But a couple of weeks ago he came back...and of course...I let him back. But I couldn't tell anyone cause they all hate him now...although they never really liked him that much in the first place. We even agreed to go to couples counseling which HE SUGGESTED! He said that he broke off things with the chick he was dating, which whom I found out was his coworker. So the past week or so things have really been good, although my gut has been telling me that he's still dealing with his coworker. Of course he turned it around on me...got upset at me for snooping and pissed off that I didn't trust him. He's very manipulative and by the end of our arguments...I'm the one who ends up apologizing and feeling like I'm crazy! So after years of this * * * * I told myself that I needed to start listening to my gut...I did listen, however I needed proof. So after swearing that I wouldn't snoop anymore, I did anyway. I checked his work email and sure enough...there were email messages back and forth between them "babe" this "baby" that...So I confronted him Wednesday about him still dating her. Again, he flipped everything on me...he doesn't know that I saw the emails...denied everything. I told him that I had proof...but that I wasn't going to tell him what or how I got it. He's upset talking about how are we going to be together if I don't trust him and how hurt he is because he is trying so hard to make this work. Blah, blah, blah...I told him to prove it. So last night he calls me with her on 3-way!! She says that they are no longer together and that they've barely even talked the past few weeks since me and him decided to work things out. Mind you, I just saw emails from the both of them THAT DAY...she bought him lunch that day AND gave him a ride home! WHY IS SHE COVERING FOR HIM??!! WHY IS SHE LYING TOO??!! So I can't tell him that I read his work emails...I promised that I wouldn't do that anymore plus I don't want to get into any legal trouble. So he is still denying everything...and I can't tell him about my proof. By the end of the night...I'm questioning myself again...god, I feel like I'm going crazy. He said we can't be together if I don't trust him...BLAH BLAH BLAH. He's actually pissed AT ME because I won't tell him what "proof" I had. So this morning I emailed her (yeah, I can't believe I am turning into this crazy chick and diong this stuff...all of this is so out of character for me...at least it was before I was with him) asking her why she is covering for him. She appearantly forward the email to M because I then get a text from him saying that he doesn't think its going to work out because I don't trust him....WHAT??!!

 

I can't do this anymore. I NEED to be done with him. However I am miserable without him but I am even more miserable with him (although when things are good they are SO GOOD...). I have a serious problem with co-dependency...I have been in one long term relationship after another since I was 15. The longest I've been single since then is like 2 months. I'm lonely and scared to be myself. But I am disrespecting myself for allowing him to treat me like this. I know all of this. Everytime we break up it hurts...but I know its for the best. After a little time, I'm okay...but then he starts calling and text messaging me. I will ignore it for a bit but then I will break down and finally answer or respond. And I give in...I already know how this is going to play out. I'm not going to hear from him for about a weak. Then he is going to email me or text message me. I will ignore him for a while...I will admit that it feels good though to have him wanting to be back with me. I am fighting with myself. I NEED TO LET HIM GO...I WANT TO LET HIM GO...but I want him to call me. It makes me feel good when he calls and I can ignore him. Its like an effen game...he calls, I ignore him, he calls some more, I ignore him some more...but then I give in...and he knows that I eventually will. I must stop this masochistic behavior. My self esteem has been ruined by all of this. I feel so weak for allowing all of this to happen...for allowing myself to be treated this way. I am so ashamed of my behavior. IT ALL HURTS SO MUCH. So I consider us to be officially broken up as of today. I never responded to his text message...so today is officially DAY 1 of NC. I need to keep myself busy. I'm not neccessarily afraid of being without him...I know this...but I'm deathly afraid of being alone. Nights are the hardest. I need to focus on myself and work on myself self esteem and becoming a better and stronger person. I have a real estate career that is starting to take off...I can't allow this to interfere with that...and it has. I need to work on ME and loving myself and making myself happy. I CAN DO THIS...as long as he doesn't call or text me. I know...I am still weak and will probably give in if he does. I will be okay if only he just leaves me alone.

 

If you guys made it this far and are still reading this....you don't know how much I appreciate it. I have 1 girlfriend I can talk to about this...but I don't want to lean on her too heavily. I need to talk to people who have gone through this and/or are currently going through this. I read all of STORMIE'S posts...I could relate to so much of them. I am going to do the same thing...keep this as a journal of sorts to help me get through this...Please, I need for you guys to respond...THIS HURTS SO BAD...but its gonna hurt....and I need to work through this hurt...but it will be so much easier if I have you guys' support.

 

Thank you

[need2bme]

First, you know you cannot be with someone who can/will physically lift you off the floor, with a choke. I will not pretend to understand what it is like to be in a physically abusive relationship, but you know that is not correct behavior.

 

I do know what it is like to be co-dependent. I have been, for as long as I can remember. I too, cannot be alone. I am trying so hard to fight it now. Ya know, part of what is helping me, is to realize that I did not cause all of my breakup.

 

If someone won't let you get close, which he will not and you are a little closed off yourself, it can never be fixed (and that is without the violence).

 

Is this because you don't like yourself? Do you feel you need someone else to make you whole? I feel that way. All I have ever wanted was for someone to love me unconditionally and not be able to wait to get home to me. I want all of this, but I don't know how to love myself.

 

How can I expect a decent relationship, if I don't have one with myself.

 

One GREAT piece of advice I received, was to ask yourself, "What would I tell a friend to do, if they were going through the same thing?"

 

I knew my first wife was having sex with everyone and I still took her back. What does that say about me? You are worthy of having a decent relationship. Not some relationship where you have to take care of some overgrown drinking buddy.

 

If nothing else, realize what you are turning into. That is what I had to realize. I am not the person I was, nor the person I want to be. This is greatly due to my last relationship and what I allowed, but also because I expected her to make me feel whole.

 

Please just let him go...

[NolaDarling]

Wow...thank you so much for your reply. You are right...about everything. I HATE the person who I have become. I was always so outgoing and confident before him...and that is what he said attracted him to me. Now, I'm not the same person...I'm a shadow of my former self. I am insecure and extremely emotional. No...I do not like who I am now. You teach people how to treat you and by constantly forgiving him and taking him back taught him that it was okay for him to treat me that way. Its obvious that I don't respect myself...because if I did I wouldn't stand for any of this! So how can I expect him or anyone else for that matter to respect me when I don't respect myself. I have to learn how to love myself and to start treating myself with dignity and respect. I know this...we both know this...but its just hard. I just started reading Dr. Phil's book Life Strategies...it already has proven to be extremely helpful. I would HIGHLY recommend you check out this book. I am going to start doing the exercises from the book today. I will post them on this thread. Thank you again for your response and your support...oh and you were right...that is a GREAT piece of advice.

[need2bme]

Dr. Phil's stuff is some good stuff. I know he seems crazy as a loon, but a few things he writes/says, hit home with me. Something along the lines of:

 

1. "Would you rather be right, or happy?"

2. "It is not wrong to want a "good, happy, nurturing, etc." relationship and not naive to expect it."

3. "You caused your relationship to be the way it is". (something like that) He goes on to state that it isn't what we did 2 weeks ago or what we said last night, but it is that we have systematically gone about living our lives in a manner that destroyed our relationship (and I think that also applys to everyday life).

 

4. From the Dr. Phil show; He was speaking with a young girl who was being thought of as a w***e at her school, because of rumors being spread by girls that used to be her friends (who also happened to be on the show). Dr. Phil asked her what she thought she was and she replied, "I don't know). He then told her, "Isn't it amazing when I ask you what they think, you can cry and tell me exactly what they think and when I ask you what you are, you tell me "I don't know"?" (not verbatim)

 

Believe me, I know a lot of what we do is physiological and we just start acting a certain way that we are used to, when someone does or says something that triggers us, but we have to stop.

 

I will be the first person to tell you that I find myself doing things sometimes without even thinking. We have to run these emotions past our head first.

 

***Disclaimer: I am not a Dr. Phil groupie, but I do like what he has in his books.***

[NolaDarling]

I wish I read that yesterday morning, "Would you rather be right, or be happy". I totally regret sending that email to my bf's co-worker whom I know he's still seeing. She didn't respond rather forwarded the message to him. I just wanted some hard-core proof. But I had proof. I saw the emails between them. But I couldn't tell him that. I wanted to be able to show him that I KNEW. But that shouldn't have mattered. My gut instinct should have been enough proof for me as I am learning that your gut is usually right.

 

Anyhow, last night wasn't bad at all. I was preparing myself for a really difficult night full of crying and a burning desire to contact him. But I experienced neither! I didn't shed a single tear last night! I will admit though that I was a bit disappointed to not receive a call, email or text message from hmi though. I wanted to put the NC into practice and to be been given the opportunity to ignore his contact attempt. But if this plays out like it has done time and time before, he will probably be trying to contact me by the end of next week. I just have to prepare myself so that I don't give in.

 

So I'm finding that mornings now are kinda hard for me. I was fine last night but this morning I am kinda sad. But no tears. I will not allow myself to cry. Not that I'm against crying at all. Matter of fact I encourge it. However, I have shed one too many tears over 4 years for M. I received a text from him yesterday morning stating "Don't think this is going to work" after appearantly he learned about the email that I sent to his co-worker. We have both said that on numerous occasions and usually that is our "code" for "we need to talk". I didn't respond though, so yesterday was Day 1 of NC for me. So even though we have not "officially" broken up...its official enough for me.

[ImThatGirl]

Oh my goodness, Nola!

 

Wow! First off I must say that even though you wrote a book, it was very well versed and you express yourself so well!

 

I can relate to all of this. So much that it puts a knot in my stomach remembering all the thoughts and pain I've felt and knowing that you have felt the same things.

 

So many things that you said are things that I have thought and said.

 

Ex: He said he liked me because of my strength and personality. But I don't even have all those qualitites anymore.

 

Among many, many other comments you made!

 

Some people just keep pushing you away from who you are and suck out all the positives you ever had.

 

Want to buddy up on this? We can get through this together. Right?

[NolaDarling]

Thank you so much for your reply "Imthatgirl". Okay...so I was doing so well...and now after reading your response, I'm getting teary eyed! LOL I'm so grateful for your response and its just comforting to know that someone out there is going through or has gone through what I am going through now. I would LOVE to buddy up with you on working through this! What is your story? When I have some free time around lunch I will read through some of your previous posts! Thanks again!

[ImThatGirl]

Ohhhh, Nola! My story is so long to tell or read it all.

 

Teary eyed myself earlier. After your post and the encouraging posts from everyone else.

 

I feel so strong but I know that can all change in a moment. It has so many times. I've said so many times I'm done with this. I will send you a link if I can find any posts that sum it all up. I've been a chatter box and needy girl for the past 6 months!

[ImThatGirl]

Just remember, you are not alone. And something that keeps me from reacting (checking up on him, calling others, sending emails to him and others) is the following thought.

 

The obstacles that we face are not what makes us who we are. Our reaction and whether we can rise above the obstacles does!