My boyfriend wants us to live closer to each other!

[never-too-late]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, 2 of these years have been long-distance. We see each other about once a month.

 

He has been since last week a bit irritable and down I think as he has not been promoted at work as he has hoped for.

 

He sent me a message on Saturday evening and he said he was getting fed up of going back to his flat alone and he wished I was there. I told him that it was sweet and that I missed him a lot too. He said that he did not say it to be sweet and that it was because he is getting upset about our long-distance situation and that I am so far. Anyway, I told him that I understand him but what does he want to do about it? He said that we need to think about it and try to find a solution how to change the situation. I asked him if he wanted us to end, he said he does not like how I always take everything as a threat instead of finding a solution with him.

 

Anyway, we talked last night and he said he is quite upset about the long-distance, how little we see each other and that he would like us to do something about it. He said that he went out on Saturday night with two of his friends who had their girlfriends with them and he came home upset as he was alone. He said that he is always alone without me. He said he could not continue like this and we need to change this. I feel he is feeling quite down about his job promotion, which he did not get and now he needs me there but I cannot be there because he told me he needs my attention and my care and I can't give it to him as I am far.

 

So he sent me an email today and he told me that he would like us to be close to each other. He suggested 3 options. He said he will need to stabilise his job situation. He will keep applying for a job in my country but also in his city. he said that it would be good if I could apply for a job near him. He then said that learning his language in his country would be a good option too. He told me that it has been like this for too long and he would be happy if we could be close to each other. He asked me what I thought about it.

 

I told him that I feel the same and I would also like to be closer to him. I agreed with him and I told him that I will try my best and we both set some goals together to work towards. I said to him that I need time to prepare myself for some of the changes I will have to make so I asked him to be patient and strong for us. He said he is happy I agree with his plan.

 

I am happy that he is suggesting this, however, he gave us a deadline of 6 months. He said that if we do not set a deadline, this kind of situation will go on forever and he does not want to be in a long-distance forever. He said he realises that it puts a lot of pressure on us but he thinks that this way at least it will push us to do something about it. I must say I don't like this deadline but I guess it gives us some target. He said if we won't be able to make it until then, we will have to end it as we cannot obviously be continuing like this.

 

What do you think?

[RayKay]

Well I agree with your boyfriend that it is really necessary to have a common goal to be together in one place, and that it can't go on forever in this way.

 

It sounds like he is just tired of the situation.

 

I am however a bit concerned it seems like he is telling you to go there, rather than deciding together what the best option is for you both. I think you need to discuss together the pros and cons of either of you doing the moving to find what is best considering job markets, lifestyles, etc.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with RayKay and I agree with him. Sounds like he's fed up.

 

I think a goal to work toward is a good idea as well and so is a deadline. It doesn't have to be strict - I think flexibility with the deadline is OK as long as there's progress but I believe he's right. If you DON'T put something like a deadline in place, you could just go on forever working "toward" it....

 

Best of luck to you both. I hope you find it happier being closer!

[never-too-late]

Thanks.

 

Well he has not only asked me to go to him. One of the options he suggested is for him to look for a job in my country, near my town. He was already applying last year but unsuccessfully that's why he is suggesting for me to try it at his country.

 

I do agree that a deadline is a good idea, but he seemed so logical and practical about our plan. No emotions involved. And he seemed quite strict and he kept saying that if we don't meet the deadline, he cannot wait anymore. I told him that he does not have to repeat it but he said that although he is aware it puts a lot of pressure, he wants us to be completely clear about the situation.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey never too late - I think I get WHY he's saying it and sounding so strict about it. But I have a feeling if you two were really close to meeting the goal but things got pushed back a few weeks or a month, he would make allowance for the time discrepancy.

 

Don't ya think? I mean, if you had both been working really hard at it and things were progressing along and you were really close?

 

Its never too late, yeh?

[jellygraph]

i agree with him. long distance relationships are very straining, because you cant be the support you long for in a relationship.

 

the problem is that one of you will most likely have to compromise.

 

that all comes down to what is easiest and what is best.

 

if you b/f earns the most money and it is not too difficult to get a job in his place, then i suggest you might have to be the one to bite the bullet. but this has to be something you accept on your own terms. if you really think it will cause resentment for either partner to have to compromise, depending on what you decide, then perhaps your relationship isn't as strong as you thought.

 

i hope this helps.... coming from someone who is going through the same thing and who's partner is finally coming to live with me

[never-too-late]

I think we have been strong enough to survive a long-distance relationship for 3 years. I would not mind going to his country if he decides to stay there but what I don't like it the deadline and why would he say that if we will not make it to meet our target within the next 6 months that he would no longer be able to continue this way? It makes me feel like I have to worry now for the next 6 months if we make it or not.

[rikka]

I think the deadline is his way of making sure this relationship works out, if that makes any sense. My guess is that he feels like you guys are static and not moving forward, by offering the deadline he is ensuring that steps will be taken towards having the two of you together.

 

I kind of agree with him. I am in an LDR myself, and we have about a 1 year time line until we can be together again. Like your boyfriend, if things haven't resolved in that time and we are not back together in the same city I am seriously considering calling it quits.

 

Don't freak out about the timeline, use it as a motivator. I am sure your boyfriend is not unreasonable like Ms Hpburn said. I am sure if you guys have started taking steps towards a reunion in those 6 months things will be fine.

[Momene]

I think 6 months is too short a deadline but I agree that you can't continue long distance for ever. Imaging retiring to either country.

[never-too-late]

I appreciate your replies. Maybe I am just really surprised that he has now made a decision that he wants us to be close to each other because not a very long time ago I felt like he was scared of commitment. thereforeeee, I am maybe quite surprised that he wants us to be closer. All my friends think it's a very positive step. However, as I said I did not like the way he has set up the deadline for us because I saw it as a threat as he said that he will not give us any longer. Mainly because this long-distance has been going on for too long, more than 2 years.

[annie24]

I appreciate your replies. Maybe I am just really surprised that he has now made a decision that he wants us to be close to each other because not a very long time ago I felt like he was scared of commitment. thereforeeee, I am maybe quite surprised that he wants us to be closer. All my friends think it's a very positive step. However, as I said I did not like the way he has set up the deadline for us because I saw it as a threat as he said that he will not give us any longer. Mainly because this long-distance has been going on for too long, more than 2 years.

 

I agree with his "deadline." I don't know exactly how strict he is about the "6 months" (ie, does all your furniture need to be settled in by the 6 month mark?) But I think he might have said 6 months as in "He wants to get the ball rolling, and if it isn't rolling within the next 6 months, then he is out of there." If for Visa reasons it takes you 12 months to get there, he may be ok with it, just so long as you start taking action now to move there.

 

I agree with raykay, you two should make this decision together, decide what would be the best arrangement for the both of you. And find out the requirements for moving to each other's countries. for example, it may be easier for him to move to yours than for you to move to his.... if time is a big concern for him.

 

do you want to marry this guy?

 

good luck

[never-too-late]

I feel annoyed though that he has not told me when are we going to meet next? I mean I keep telling him that I want to see him and to let me know when but he does not say. He keeps saying sure we will meet and he wants to see me too but he does not mention a date. He told me today how overloaded he is with work. I honestly don't understand sometimes why would he not tell me when are we going to meet? I told him to let me know about our next meeting and that I want to give him care as he works so hard but he only says thanks?

[RayKay]

Does he always come there, or do you go there?

 

I would suggest you figure out some dates that work for you to go visit (since he wants you to move there anyway); combine them as job-search visits too and kill two birds with one stone so to speak, and ask him which one works best for him.

 

Why must it be all in his hands? It is you involved here too, so I recommend the above approach.

 

When was the last time you saw him?

[never-too-late]

can you please advise me how to deal with this problem?

 

we exchanged a message on Saturday, told each other we love each other and he told me he is coming to see me 2 weeks later as he has an interview near my town. I am very happy with this news! Yesterday evening he called me as he told me he wanted to hear me. We had a nice chat, I told him I am going to spend my evening with a friend of mine, he told me that he is going to spen his evening with a friend of his and he is visiting his home town. Anyway, this morning when I woke up there was a message,which he had sent late in the night telling me "I want you!"

 

I sent him a message this afernoon and I told him I want him too. He told me that he is getting upset with the distance, he is fed up of not being able to have sex whenever he wants and that my text messages are not enough. He said that he has his needs, which cannot be fulfilled. I did not reply as I am not quite sure what to say? We said to each other last week that we will do our best to be near each other within the next few months but he is obviously not happy with the physical part? What should I do? How should I react? Do you think I should worry?

 

Thank you.

[annie24]

what is he saying? is he threatening to cheat?