She comes back today....

[thefarewellnote]

Good Morning,

 

Here is my pervious post (saves me typing)

 

 

She and I have been taking some pace the past week or so. I only call her once a day to say Hi and make sure she is ok. She has been calling a lot more, and on a few times broke down saying she loved me and all that great stuff, other days she will be cold and like she was when she first said she didn't love me.

 

She comes back from Christmas break today, after being gone 5 weeks. We broke up right before she left but chatted everyday and all till one day she said she didn't love me.

 

Two days ago she called me and started talkign about this guy she was hanging out with, and what they were doing for the night. I called her later and told her that I didnt appreciate hearing about that stuff since I still cared for her. She aplogized, and a few hours later when she was heading home (from the bar) she texted me and told me she "told him NO, and wanted to tell me" I can only imgine that he tried make a move on her.

 

Yesterday she calls and is the cold version of the girl I know, she wasn't wantting to talk, but just to say HI. She comes back today, we are next door neighbors so the chances of me NOT being able to see her are slim to none. I know that she still has feelings for me, I can tell when she calls me. What should I do when she gets back?

 

I started talking to an old friend (a girl from another State) the other day, and when the ex found out she took an interest and started talking to me more.

 

 

I still have strong feelings for her, even after a month apart. I haven't sleep at all in the past 2 days (except for 2 hours) cause everytime I close my eyes I see her.

 

I guess I am just curious how I should approach the situation cause she will be walking up the stairs to her apartment in 7 hours, and I dont know what to do

[agualibre777]

Cheerfully say hi, but don't engage in conversation. Sounds like she did the breaking up. You have to let her come to you at this point and engaging in conversation is going to keep allowing yourself to wonder "what does this mean?" "what does that mean"? It's hard, but be a bit mysterious about what YOU are up to.

[cordelia]

From you previous posts, it sounds like this girl is too young to be looking for the same type of commitment as you are. 22 yrs old is very young, a lot of people at that age are discovering who they are and are more concerned with socializing and going out all the time than anything else. She probably feels really confused because she has feelings for you and doesn't want to let go of you, but at the same time she feels that she needs her freedom.

I would give her a few days or a week to get settled in from her trip and then come out and ask her if she still feels the same way she did a month ago, or if she sees you two getting back together.

If she can't give you a straight answer, then you will have to decide how much longer you are willing to continue talking to her and hurting and not sleeping. Because if it turns that you two will stay broken up right now, then the only way to move on is to stop talking to her completely.

Think of how much it would hurt if you were still talking to her 2-3 times a day and then you find out she is dating someone else ?

[thefarewellnote]

Good Morning!!!

 

She came back last night, and as soon as she appeared in the driveway, she ran up and knocked on my door. She hugged me, and it felt good! She then proceeded to say that she wanted to spend the night, but sleep on the couch. I said ok, since she doens't get along with her roommate. She laid on my couch and asked me to come sit with her. I did. She then laid her head in my lap and smiled and feel asleep.

 

 

I forgot how perfect it felt to have her around. I felt whole for the first time last night in a long time. She woke up this morning and hugged me and left.

 

Could this all be to good to be true? How do I play it from here, I know that she stills has some feelings for me. I don't want to come on to strong, but I want her to know my interest and my feelings for her. I was thinking of calling her today and inviting her to dinner tonight. To much?

 

 

 

Please advise...I don't want to screw up.

 

 

Thanks

[thefarewellnote]

One more thing....

 

When we were chatting last night I keep making sure she was comfortable and all, she said she was. But then she said "Not so much, please" Like she enjoyed being around me and all but didnt want that smothered feeling and I think that may had lead her to leave the first time.

 

She loves being around me and all, I just think at times the seriousness that we used to have for our relationship. She has always been the girl that just like to be independent. Any thoughts or advice on how to keep going strong?

[blender]

I think the most important thing for you to remember is to also be busy with your own life, and try not to take everything she says "personally". She is young, she's not ready, she's comfortable with you.. but if you want to start a relationship with anyone it's most valuable to be "comfortable with yourself" first. Keep writing down all your "feelings" versus "facts".. like "I love her" then write right nex tto it, "she's not ready", Keep focused on the "truth".

 

Expectations can lead to disappointments so being honest with yourself is healing. For right now do NOT restart this relationhsip by walking on eggshells, that is not a solid foundation, nor is it emotionally fulfilling or healthy in the long run. If you are feeling too vulnerable or needy at times, then step back and try to keep your distance from her until you feel more emoitonally confident.

 

Having your own interests, your own life, making sure you have plans to do things that do not revolve around her, will help you heal, get stronger, more independent, and also make you that much more attractive, and feeling good about yourself.

 

Try not to plan each and every move, instead, concentrate on you, and who you want to be..and become in YOUR OWN life.. this will lead to your own empowerment, and attractiveness.

 

Trust that for right now, she's young, she's not ready, you are "comfortable" for her....be careful not to let yourself be taken advantage of..so let go a bit, make plans for dinner tonight for YOURSELF and another friend, or just go out and walk... give her some breathing room, and more importantly allow yourself some space to heal your heart, and re-gain your sense of self.

 

Continuing to separate your "feelings" from the "facts" will help you...

[thefarewellnote]

Your words always have a way of making me think. I am going to try the feelings vs facts thing. I think that would be awesome. Its so hard not to try and plan thing with her cause I haven't seen her in 5 weeks and now that she is back, I just want to get as much as i can with her. She broke the news to me that she is leaving in May and won't come back to the town we live in, so think that plays a huge role in me wanthing to do things with her.

 

She got on messenger a little while ago and said Hi, and wanted to let me know that she loves being around me, but doesn't want to fall into a routine again and thinks that 3 times a week is as much as we should hang out. Last night when she was laying on me, I felt so happy, she looked so peaceful, and as I feel asleep I kissed her on the check and told her that i loved her. pretty sure she was asleep, and she didn't know but at that exact moment I felt the happiest I have felt in the longest time.

 

I hope people dont mind me ranting on these threads so much, its good to have friends that will listen. It is hard to talk to my guy friends about this sense they call it gay or whatever. And I always feel a little better getting the stuff off my chest.

[blender]

It's only natural that you would feel "happiness" when she is asleep, right there with you.. it gives you a sense of calmness, hope.. but always stick to the FACTS, and try not to take them personally. In doing so it will make you feel better about yourself, and have less "expectations".. and also it will make you more attractive. Try not to "initiate" any contact for three days.. do you think you could do that? If you "stop" going to her, contacting her, trying to make plans with her.. it will give you some strength, increase your self respect, and also give her some space... this is the MOST powerful thing you can do, for yourself, and for any hopes of a emotionally healthy relationship with her.

 

I know those "desperate feelings" that arise in you, when you contemplate the future, and her leaving in May.. but use this time to be YOUR BEST SELF.. and by that I mean, keep busy with your own life, make yourself more interesting, do not initiate contact with her...

 

One of the FACTS to remember when your FEELINGS start getting the best of you, is to remember her WORDS.. of "I don't want to fall into a routine again, three times a week is the most we should see each other"...

 

How do those words make you feel? Are they respectful, realistic, fair?

 

These are thoughts for your to process on your own, not with her.. just on your own.. and it would be so emotionally healthy to keep find some self control and not to initiate contact, one day at a time...

 

You don't want to be "just there" all the time for her.. it will "lessen" her view of you, and more importantly it will affect how you feel about YOURSELF... it's like being a "sitting duck" for a hunter.. the challenge is gone, the game not worth hunting for.. it takes the honor out of actually going about "gaining" the love and respect that a relationship HAS TO HAVE in order to succeed..and be fulfilling..

 

Take care of you for today.. breathe, know that you do have time on your side, the month of MAY is a life time away.. just think how long these last five weeks have felt.. use this new time to your advantage, to set emotional boundaries for your own heart, and to "show" not "tell" her that your life is "good, happy, and okay" with or without her in it...

 

Once you are "showing" that you are solid, okay, happy, within yourself, on your own regardless of HER actions, reactions, etc.. then she will be more likely to be "drawn to you"... and if not, then you will have at least used the time to get back on your own two feet emotionally..

 

the best thing for right now, is to not intitiate contact, to get busy with your own life, don't hang around the apartment too much, get out, get busy, take up a hobby, learn to play the guitar, learn a new language, do something to make YOUR life more full... and trust that if her "love is authentic" that she will only be more attracted to A FULL BUSY HAPPY ON HIS OWN type of YOU.

[river dog]

take up a hobby, learn to play the guitar, learn a new language, do something to make YOUR life more full.

 

I did those already!! Seriously, Blender has a big point to make and always makes it Be the best you can be for yourself - you owe it to yourself. Women do NOT like needy guys who are always seeking their approval, she even said that to you! So did my ex but I didn't hear her.

 

Sorry ladies, but she is hard-wired to win your attention. You just give it to her on a plate and all bets are off. She will be chasing an unavailable idiot who is busy doing his thing before you can blink. That's the way it works (sort of). She must doubt her decision and wonder what you are up to.

 

IF her interest level is still high. Then you might have a slim chance. If not, she is using you for her own validation i.e comfort, and you are acting like a wuss (no challenge, no attraction).

 

I would so do the same as you but I cannot, will not and believe me, I have been tested on this mercilessly. My ex knocks on the door, hugs and kisses too. Check my posts. She is not going to sleep on my couch when I want her in my bed. That doesn't count.

 

There is nothing more attractive than something we can't have. You already know that, right? Now you could always demonstrate this concept to her by getting on with other stuff and I am not talking about half-baked games (been there too).

 

She's very lucky to know you, I can tell.

 

 

¡Hombre, buena suerte!

[blender]

Wow..Riverdog.. how nice of you to take the time to help him...all you said is so true, it's very difficult to make choices based on the "truth".. we are so tempted by ideal love, fantasy, hopes..etc... but it leads to an unfulfilled sense of self.. so it's best, as difficult as it is to "live in the truth"... god, your line about "she can't sleep on my couch when I want her in my bed"...whew..that's so 'truthful"... great perspective... Can you imagine how powerful it would be if he lovingly said this to her, and than actually followed through?? ugh...it's tough to do, but it's "truthful"... and that leads to wonderful things...

[river dog]

she can't sleep on my couch when I want her in my bed

Warning. Doesn't work on the first date. They don't even realise the couch is an option... tut, women eh?

 

Men, there's a difference to be made out there and it falls to us! Now, shape up, ship out and go do it.

[thefarewellnote]

WOW...thanks, that means a lot coming from a guys view. Don't get me wrong, blender makes a lot of good points. But to hear it from a guy that is in the same boat as me....

 

The problem is I don't know what to do. I mean, I work and do the whole graduate studies stuff, and when she ask what I have been up to I don't want to lie. And you know I enjoy my life, I love my job and I love doing the whole graduate school stuff. That doesn't leave much free time for anything else. And when I do have the free time I watch TV or relax in front of the computer. Nothing mysterious about that...how would anyone be attractived to that

[river dog]

Nothing mysterious about that...how would anyone be attractived to that

 

They are your passions? Then they are enough.

[thefarewellnote]

They are your passions? Then they are enough.

They are my passions, I know that one day I will be very successful - career wise. But I always feel so dumb when she calls, and ask what I did for the day and its always the same thing. Worked and then did homework. I mean come on....it has to get boring. Weekends come and I love just to lay at home and relax.

 

Why would anyway find that attractive, when there are guys at there that love to go out everynight and get drunk and dance, and get in pointless fights. (those were the sort of guys that she hung out with over her break) They live with mommy and daddy and don't have a care in the world. I can't compete with them....some of us actually have to act as adults.

[thefarewellnote]

Those feelings of not being able to compete came last night, when she and I were togther and two of them called. All she talked about was drinking and dancing and passing out.

 

What does she think when she sees me? Boring....someone that had to grow up or end up on the street. I can't afford to act like that...and right now that is what makes her happy.

[river dog]

those were the sort of guys that she hung out with over her break

 

Umm, the nub of it. Are you upset with yourself or her? Young girls just want to have fun. If she doesn't like you the way you are, move on or get with her programme, or something in the middle.

 

Be proud of your work, your studies and most of all, your dreams. Be a child sometimes and if we are talking about being an adult, then be a man more. No more sleeping on your knee, OK?

 

She wants to get drunk and dance (I see nothing wrong with that myself, quite partial to such dalliance though I pass on the passing out stage nowadays) but you don't? Make your call. It's that simple and that painful.

[thefarewellnote]

Good Morning,

 

Last night was rough. She came over and I just broke down. I told her that I loved her and all. You know the same chaotic desperate thing as always. She told me she loved me and that she wasn't using me. It was sometimes that she missed me and then acted on that feeling and the next day she didn't want to feel like that so she was cold or hatful. She said that she loved me so much, but right now needed a few weeks to move on, since it was hard to talk or be friends. I agreed. Its so hard I look out my window and see her car, and want to call her.

 

I have done so much to make our lives together be good, and now that she is gone I, for the first time in my life, am completely lost on what to do or where to go. All I want to do is call her, for when I talk to her I feel happy and I have hope....and without her there feels like there isn't a reason to be here

[thefarewellnote]

Today sucks, I am miserable. All I do is sit at my desk staring at my screen thinking of her. I dont know why. I have been doing good, from not talking to her to seeing her and being ok. But last night was just to much, the realization that she could be gone forever. The words of her saying that she is going to hookup with a guy that she likes a little. The thought of nerver having her in my arms. Or the thought that when I go home from work she will be right next door and I cant go say hi.

 

Damn this sucks

[bubbles07]

hi farewellnote, sorry to hear about your situation. I honestly think that you should stay away from her man. I know its hard but if she is just trying to make herself feel better by only coming over and talking to you when she is down then thats not good. Whenever she feels like she misses you and she feels down in the dumps she comes around to make herself feel better and then once she feels fine again she takes off. Plus she is already talking about dating other guys and even went as far as telling you about them. That just shows that she doesn't see you like she use to see you. She just sees you as a quick fix to feeling down that day. I wouldn't go as far as your being used because it justs sounds awful but it kinda looks that way. Sorry man but I think you just break all contact and start to look after yourself. If she keeps popping in and out of your life, your gonna never get over it and she will of already moved on with another guy. Think of yourself right now and be good to yourself.

[thefarewellnote]

Think of myself....it is always easier said then done. You spend so much of your time doing things that are right for the two of you, and then that disappers. It so hard to think of myself, cause I know the only thing that will bring the happiness in my life is her.

 

Today I honestly feel like I am in a dream, everyone is moving so fasst and I am standing still. I haven't ever felt like that. I was for sure that when she came back we would be ok, friends or more, but we would be ok....and the realization that we aren't is worse then i could have ever imgined. My work is suffering today...along with ever ounce of my insides.

[bubbles07]

Man i know what you feel like. my ex gf just broke up with me at 6 years. I know what it feels like when you say "you spend so much of your time doing things that are right for the two of you". I just realized that I can't do anything. I'm helpless in trying to change her mind to come back. She to do that on her own. I'm not even getting anything like what your getting. We don't talk on the phone or see each other in person. I think that it is easier that way and I think thats what you gotta do. Its hard I know but you have to do it now or else you gonna keep feeling the way you feel for a really long time. Just imagine feeling like this for a year or more. You don't want that right? So start fixing it now and doing things to make yourself feel better. Feelling the way you are feeling now is not gonna help or fix anything. Just gonna make it worse. Start getting your confidence and happiness back, this may, just may help her see you in a different way. All she has seen from you recently is crying and sobbing and begging. Thats not attractive at all. Start doing things and focus your attention else where. I know its hard but thats what we all have to do. Just stay strong and tell her to leave you alone. It doesn't mean forever, just means for now till you get yourself back together. Later down the road when you feel stronger, you can try to communicate with her again. You can do it!

[blender]

Dear, "farewellnote",

 

It's going to be okay... and yes you feel as if you are walking through emotional cement. You are hurting yourself more by using the word "we"... because even if "we aren't okay"..that is TRUTH... she's just not ready, she's young, but "YOU are going to be okay".

 

You have an emotional adjustment to make, and it has to be done by choice, a choice to "accept" that for right now, she is not ready, and YOU now are "free".. to explore all that life has to offer you. I know it's not what you 'expected" but it's what "actually is"...

 

Yes, it's going to be disappointing, and sad that your "expectations" did not pan out.. but that is only because FATE is nudging you into a new direction.. one that will lead to wonderful things and people in your life.. but it takes making a choice to do things "differently".. and it starts with breathing, letting go, acceptance, tears, and putting one foot in front of the other.

 

I know for sure that one day you will look back on all this and see at as the "valuable opportunity" it is, will be, and has been, for you to "personally and emotionally grow" and be "ready" for the "right" girl for you.

 

Fate has a hand in all this, and so much of your pain will come from the "resistance" to this, but your healing will come from the "acceptance" even if it means you have to feel sad for awhile.. it's okay.. it's life.. you will survive and thrive.

 

For today you feel "blindsided" because your "expectations" painted a picture for you, one that you were "hoping/waiting" for when she got home because you've been in "resistance" to all the clear signs, words, actions on HER part that have clearly stated she is not ready.. but now, in acceptance of this, you will start to heal.. I know it's hard, we've all been there.. and happiness is ahead of you, not behind you..

[thefarewellnote]

I was so sure that if she got back she would want me. I was posititve about it. I don't understand how anyone can just stop loving another person. She said last night that she focuses on the bad times we had, and not the good. And that hurts me so much that she could think of the few bad times over all the good times.

 

 

I know that I need to expect the fact that she is gone, and probably 99% sure that she is never coming back. Its just that 1% that wants me to keep fighting. I believe I read a line in the bible the other day that said "love never gives up, and keeps no record of wrong doing" I truly love this girl, more than I could imgine someone could. I am so scared that if I give up, and stop and move on that one day be it 3 days, 3months or 3 years she will wake up and want me, and I won't be there. I couldn't live with knowing that if I had just waited one more day...she would have been mine.

 

 

 

 

I know that one day we will have a great friendship if we don't get together again. Right now, the thing that upsets me the most is the thought of the girl I love in the arms of another man, or kissing someone else. It makes me sick to my stomach.

 

Another thing that worries me to death (dont laugh) is that I will NEVER find someone to date again. I have always had success in finding females at school, work. And now that I have graduated college and moved on to a full time job I dont have the same chances to find somone. Girls always say they want the sweet guy that knows where he is going in life and how to love....and that is me, my parents raised me to put love first and always treat my gf/wife as though she was a gift from GOD. I dont see how any girl wouldn't want to be treated like that.

[evening_light]

How are you doing my friend?

 

Sorry about all the hurt your experiencing....couple of questions...

 

Are you afraid of losing her? or are you afraid of being alone?

 

At one time in my life I said the same thing you said "I will never find any one like her"....man was I wrong...once you've healed and youre in acceptance, you'll find someone that will love YOU for who you are....doesn't mean she's a bad person, just that she's not ready for you...

[thefarewellnote]

How are you doing my friend?

 

Sorry about all the hurt your experiencing....couple of questions...

 

Are you afraid of losing her? or are you afraid of being alone?

 

 

I think a little of both. I am so scared of not having her in my life, she is honestly the sweetest thing ever. She is sooooo caring to everyone and has the biggest heart. Exactly what I want from a gf/wife.

 

I also am soooooooooo scared of being alone. I dont have much family, they don't talk to me. I haven't talked my parents/sisters in over 6 years. The holidays are always the roughest cause everyone ask what you did, and you say you had a great time...when in fact you sat at home and was alone.

 

I go home to nothing, no one....no one to call, no one to love me. She gave me all that and so much more. She gave me a reason to live. She gave me hope that life could be good. Her family loved me like I was a part of their own.

 

Friends....I have one good friend, but hes the type of guy that you can't talk to about this stuff, he just looks at you and says "I don't know" There is no one....