Advice Needed by Everyone

[danol21]

Hey all,

 

im new here and would like some advice on the following situation, which is quite frankly doing my head in!

Started a new relationship a month ago with someone from work. I am 28 she is 24. Started off really well, it moved a bit fast than i was used too, as within the month i have met her parents, aunty and grandparents. As well as that, she has said i make her feel special, im the one etc. But im usual a 'jump into a relationship with both feet' type of person so this fast kinda pace didnt bother me too much. She also texted at times saying luv you, miss you etc etc.

My gf's mum and her sister have been kinda falling out over the years and recently come to a head, where both sides of the family wanted to sit down and get things out in the open.

Anyhows, since this family issue arose, she has changed. I literally dont get any text's anymore. I email her at work and she says she has a lot on her mind but her feelings havent changed, just that she can only concentrate on one thing and right now its her family, especially her mum (now it might help to know she is an only child and is very very close to her mum). The fact that the relationship went from really good and promising to the total opposite is messing with my head. I understand she needs space etc but right now its like i dont have a girlfriend. I always gonna send an email, making sure its nice, as to not get her in a mood etc. But resposnes are few and far between, there are no x's on the emails, no luv yous, miss yous etc. My gf says she thinks i feel pushed out at the moment. To me its the fact that she changed from one person to another.

 

To give her some space and not to bother her i have deleted her number from my mobile. At the time i was thinking well if she wants to contact me she can. And past 2 days she hasnt even texted.

 

After all this my question is, 'What shall i do?'. Im not used to this behaviour in any relationship. I know it early days but the change of pace has kinda thrown me.

 

usually im really good at helping others in relationships, but when it comes to my own im very blind.

 

Hope everyone can help and give advice.

 

Thanks

 

Dan

[Momene]

Hate to admit it but it seems like some sort of game to me. She may well be telling the truth about her mum and aunt but I think she's using the situation as a cover up for something else. Maybe she thinks she dived in too quickly. If so, give her a week and then call. But first I'd say that you understand she has issues and you'll back off but you really want this relationship with her. If it's cold feet, hopefully she'll be honest.

 

What this actually shows classic signs of is an ex coming back on the scene or she's met someone apparently more attractive and exciting than you.

 

I really hope I'm wrong on this one but my instinct tells me otherwise.

[danol21]

i know what you mean.

 

I have said, are we ok etc and she says i have a reassurance issue and that she has a lot on at the moment that she cannot reassure me 24/7.

I dont know what to do, i would like this to work. But a part of me feels if i end it, then i could be throwin something away that might be really special. On the other hand, everyone warned me about her before we got together, she had a bit of a reputation. But since knowing her, i have not found anything to say she has. I will also admit at the very beginning of the relationship she would say things like, just to let ya know, this guy asked me out and obviously said no etc. I once said to her, why do you tell me all this? do you do it for attention or something. Her response was she just honest and would rather i know.

 

Once again im not used to things like that. Why get your partner jealous or feel insecure by saying things like that? Once again this could stem from her being an only child, i dunno.

 

Dan

[danol21]

more info . . .

 

have now asked if she can ring me tonight as need to chat.

 

 

intend to say how i feel etc as well as how she behavin at the moment is now how a relationship works.

 

**NOTE**

well she replied saying . ."Can we do this another time. After last night, i don't think I can take much more hassle in such a short space of time - I need to have one night off of thinking about everything if thats ok. "

 

 

has anyone else got anymore advice?

 

Ta

 

Dan

[need2bme]

Dan: I too think there is something else going on. I am not trying to scare you, I am speaking from personal experience.

 

I had a fling of 3 weeks (not the actual ex that got me here) who became a quick ex. She pulled and pulled, with talk of us being together and us being natural, etc. We texted all the time and then BOOM! I came out to see her over Thanksgiving weekend and she needed space, she was moving too fast, etc.

 

You need to respect her wish for space, but also start protecting your heart. Hindsight is 20/20 and I should have seen this coming.

 

Rapid starts are usually followed with a cooling off period. I second Momene's advice in first giving a quick call/text explaining that you understand, you are backing off and giving her space because you care and that she can call you when she is ready. Then back off.

 

If she doesn't call in a week or so, then you have your answer.

 

Good luck!

[danol21]

well to follow up i sent her reply saying . . .

 

"It was just simply to say . .i understand you have issues but i really want this relationship but there is def. something up and its more than just family stuff im sure. If its better we just forget it, for whatever reason, feelings changed, an ex, whatever, thats kewl, just would rather know one way or other. Im not in mood or anything just situation is doing my head in a bit now. The final decision i leave with you."

 

then she replied with . . .

 

"Right, the issues on my mind at the moment are purely family issues. Plain and Simple. I am fed up of having to repeat myself over and over again and at the moment I need some simple space and me time. When i do appreciate that u can't understand that, it is the way i am dealing with it and it is clear that you cannot see where i am coming from and want to believe that it is something or someone else. I have told you that i would not go back to my exes and i wouldn't do that to you.

 

All the situation is, is that I have not seen u since friday. Simply because I have not had anything else on my mind at the moment. Not cos I have met someone else. If that is grounds to finish then fair enough - I get the message.

 

Nothing else I can say, other than I am sorry I have maybe not dealt with this better than i should have."

 

 

 

what are all your thoughts now?

 

thanks

 

Dan

[p_fred]

Give her space.... Back off.. If she is one to call or text you first then wait for her to make contact. Let her figure out her problems. Otherwise No Contact for a little while from your side.

 

Either you are pushing her too much when she is under a lot of stress or she is entertaining someone else.

 

If she is looking for a replacement for you she isn't going to tell you until she is done with you (think of spiderman - he doesn't let go of one web until the second web is holding most of his weight)

 

Remember actions speak louder than words... read between the lines

 

Try not to be too paranoid maybe spend some time with your guy friends to take your mind off of her problems... its not your job to sort them out... its hers.

[danol21]

thanks everyone, gonna give her some space and back off for a bit.

 

if it meant to be then it will sort itself out, everything happens for a reason

 

thanks again

 

Dan

[need2bme]

Dan: I don't see anywhere in my advice that states that you should tell her she is seeing someone. ;-) Now, you know her better than we do, so maybe you saw something differently.

 

What I meant, was that the girl I was with, put the brakes on and put them on quick. I simply meant that when someone needs space, there is usually something wrong.

 

I realize that there is a fine line that one must walk, in that you want to be able to deal with your problems and don't want to bring anyone else in, but then there are times that a significant other wants to be a part of the soloution, because we love them.

 

I guess everyone deals with everything in their own way. I meant to let her know that you are there for her and you are giving her her space...

 

Good luck...

[Momene]

I think you should set a day when you are going to meet up again and stick to it. Maybe 2 weeks time. If she's hedging on that, maybe she has got something to hide. Also, if she repeats this behaviour again, I'd see it as a bad sign. A partner should give some space when there are outside issues to be resolved but not a whole universe.