Should i let a best friend/childhood friendship die/end?

[kittynap]

I really need some advice with this:

This may be long but this is the situation in summary. Met my best friend when I was 10 in grade school, we both bonded and were very close. We lived in the same area, we shared everything together, talked to each other everyday. We were both geeky. We were our only friends in the neighborhood. Junior high , HS and college we both went to diff schools. As we got older in HS we both were not geeks anymore , remained very best friends. I even had a boyfriend in HS of 4 years but always stayed in contact with her..Called each other everyday, confided, etc. In college our interests did change but we remained the same best friends, confiding, secrets. Etc/ I did have other friends but no one as close as Diane. I never confided in anyone like I did with her. I always felt like she was a sister, friend to the end…She also helped me through a traumatic childhood and was a good influence on me, kept me away from bad kids, and influenced me to attend college and do well// she made my life happier.

 

During college she had met a guy when she was about 23,, they moved in together and I did not hear from her much anymore. This was her first real boyfriend.

I used to call her up and invite her to go to concerts with me, I used to get free tiks, she never went, she would just say shes staying home with her bfrnd. When my father passed away, she asked me “should I come to the funeral? Cause if you want me there I’ll come.” I was just schocked by this question. I just said its ok you don’t have to , she was like ok. When my other friends who lived even further from her insisted on coming even though I told them they don’t have to..

Everyone asked where she is? I felt so awful she wasn’t there. (she was only 2 hours away)

So after this she still didn’t invite me out ,, she also was in my area every weekend but never called me… Around this time I was still in college but started modeling. One time I did visit her,, She told me that im too old to be a model ( I was 23) and I will never be success with it. Then her bfrnd jumped in and assured me I was way too old to be a model and i was wasting my time and a joke to be so old at 23 and try to model.... They both know nothing about modeling. btw.

 

Around the same time I started a relationship with a new guy. I showed her his picture she looked at it and went into the other room and closed the door. Then she started bragging to me how shes taking a trip with her sisters friends and her bfrnd to Florida. I felt weird and offended she didn’t ask me to come along but I didn’t say anything..

 

After this I didn’t see her for a whole year, finally she said she would meet me for dinner and then later for drinks at a bar. I was happy to see her but as soon as she saw me she started saying I was wearing too much make-up.. She brought her boyfriend with her. I ignored it but we sat down to have dinner and she started making fun of other people in the restaurant.. Then she started bringing up very personal things I confided in her, , she blurted out “hey remember the married guy you hooked up with, still talk to him”?

I couldn’t believe it.. right in front of her bfrnd,,, at this point I knew she told him all my secrets.. Then he whispers to her and she goes. “oh we have to leave right after this, we cant have drinks with u later like we planned” Then she started saying how modeling is like prostitution I just got mad at this point and told her off, she threatened to hit me. I just left, she called me but didn’t leave a message. Then I did call her to tell her how awful she was and she told me she does not remember saying those things to me(she wasn’t drinking) I did not really get an apology.. I spoke to her sometime after that and she told me she was really jealous of me because she weighed over 180 pounds and shes really sorry. I said apology accepted. But she never sent a letter or a card saying shes sorry.. I also told her how she never gets together with me anymore. I told her shes always in my area and never calls me/. I said SO you don’t like me anymore? You don’t want to be friends? She denied it saying shes very busy these days but loves me. I said but I never see you—been years yet you hang out with your sisters friends, is there something about me you don’t like? She told me im crazy and she loves me.

Ever since then I felt betrayed.. That was 3 years ago… Last year she started calling my house and cell a lot leaving messages// I took a long time calling her back, got an invite to her wedding. I didn’t want to go but my Family convinced me even though she has not been a friend lately I still should go since we were best friends at one time. So I did attend. I also told her I always thought I would be in her wedding party. She told me that’s what she was calling me about to ask me to be in her wedding party but I took 2 months to call her back and now its too late.

I went to the wedding and she had me sit at a table with all her sisters friends and her sister. No one talked or even looked at my face or said hi. Thank god my bfrnd went with me. Then she kept running over to me saying “OMG THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND

I was offended by that because when she was getting married she was calling me every week.

I have not called her.. Looking back she was pretty abusive to me, I think another person would have forget her. I even asked her what her problem is with me, am I doing something to not make her be my friend and she never said yes… I know whatever I tell her she will go back and tell her husband, its not the same. Also she prob will tell other people. I still cant get pass her not coming to my fathers funeral. It bothers me most. Its very hard for me to forgive her.. and I don’t see her reaching out… What do you think? Should I bother? Or put her in my past and never contact her again?

I was never able to find someone to confide in like I did with her that’s what I miss most.

[Scotcha]

I think you should give this friendship another shot.

 

Why don't you call her? I loose my friend's numbers all the time and if they get deleted from my caller ID well.. I need to ask for them again! It's not that I don't value our friendship, I'm just very.. Well, I'm bad at organizing my address book.

 

She did apologize to you as well. It probably took a lot for her to admit to you that she was jealous and I think that speaks 1000 times more than a card ever could.

 

I can also understand that you weren't in her wedding party. I know that must have hurt but I'm planning a wedding myself and there are deposits to make, costs that need to be paid up front.. And depending on how extravagent her wedding was and how long her engagement lasted for.. Two months is really a long time to take to get back to someone about being in the bridal party. I would be very upset and hurt if one of the people I chose to be my bride's maid never responded. And perhaps she made such a display by mentioning over and over that you were her best friend because she really did want you to be up there with her.

 

I'm playing the devil's advocate here so please bare with me.

 

Because of the way I handle grief I would ask my best friend if she wanted me to attend her father's funeral if her father died. If she told me that I don't have to I would feel like she really didn't want me to be there and I would respect that by not attending. And on another note, I can't attend funeral wakes. They totally wig me out and I will never ever go to another one. Maybe she doesn't handle funerals too well herself.

 

I'm not saying that she hasn't played a part in your friendship drifting apart. I can see how the two of you each played a part. But both of you have made attempts at re-strengthening your friendship as well Both of you have reached out. Both of you haven't really followed through by responding to the other.

 

It might be time to put the past in the past, swallow pride, and make a real effort in trying to be friends.

 

Call her. Don't take your time. Call.

[kittynap]

Thanks for the advice but i did not do anything to ruin the friendship- she chose not to hang out with me for 5 years. She mentioned my sex life in front of her boyfriend, something i told her not to tell anyone. My father died suddenly- she wasnt there for me.

 

im not sure if i can trust her again

[votregitan]

I can sort of relate, except my friend is just totally ignoring me. We have been best friends since 1994, and was pretty much the only female I ever trusted, I didn't even trust my sisters or mom like I did with her. Anyways maybe you should tell her about how you feel about her not attending your fathers funeral.

 

I mean my friend isn't talking to me and I have no idea what I did and I just wish she'd call and tell me what is wrong. IF I did anything wrong that is, she seems mad and it's just kinda sucky that she seems mad/bothered by something and isn't being fair by letting me know or explain. So if you can call her up and talk to her. Hope things work out for you.

[Scotcha]

I never said you did anything to ruin the friendship. When I say that you each played a part on your end I am referring to the time you took months to return her call and to how you are not calling her now when you know she does not have your number. Also, you asked for her number, said you would call, and then never did. I know you've been hurt but it is only creating more distance between the two of you. Is that what you want?

 

I have a childhood friend that I drifted apart from. We were best friends for 15 years. It's been over 6 years now since we last spoke but if she ever did contact me and try to re-establish our friendship I would jump at the chance. I wouldn't care that we drifted apart, that it was mostly her fault, but I would be completely thrilled that this important person from my past wasn't just a part of my past any longer. Unfortunately though, we've both moved, my last name changed, both of our parents have moved, and so we have no way to get in touch. I even check every once in awhile to see if she's gotten a Myspace account.. You at least have the chance to rebuild your friendship, if that is what you want.

 

Sometimes friendships aren't as close as they once were. Sometimes they end. Sometimes they become closer.

 

You say that you are finding it very hard to forgive her for not coming to your father's funeral. I was only trying to give you a different viewpoint.

 

To call her or not to.. That choice is yours. You say you don't see her reaching out but I do, just from what you have written. Maybe it's not to the extreme you desire?

 

And about her telling her husband about your private life.. I'm not saying it was right for her to do that because she did betray your confidence but I have learned that no matter how good the friend I never say anything to them that I don't what their signifigant other to find out about as well. I kind of look at people in long term relationships as a sort of "package deal" when it comes to telling secrets.

 

I think, if you want to, that you can salvage this relationship. But I am getting the feeling that maybe you don't want to continue your friendship with her. If you don't, that's okay too. You have every right to choose who you are friends with and if you don't want to be friends with her because of everything that has happened between the two of you, well, nobody could fault you for it. Originally I responded to you assuming that you did want to reconcile.

[shy2cool]

What you had in the past was great, no denying that. I'd say to leave now, because she has turned into an awful person and you seem like a very decent individual who doesn't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

[finewhine]

I think your friend suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

 

I'm 27 and I've lost a couple childhood friends at this point. One slept with my then-boyfriend and one of them just got really weird.

 

Anyway, just let sleeping dogs lie. Doesn't sound like you miss her. Sometimes we grow up and we grow apart, you know?

 

It's hard and you have a right to feel betrayed. I think the friendship is done.