the only constant in my life is me.....the thing i hate

[locolady]

Hi all, I've been struggling to get over the end of a 4 year relationship since august 2005....yes, a blimmin long time! He cheated on me and i just cannot shake the feelings of worthlessness. He now has a new girlfriend and its killing me.

 

I think i've got into a circle of being miserable so much so that i just cant stop it now and i'd really appreciate some advice.

 

I have good things in my life - a good family, friends, in this year ive been travelling, ive made loads of new friends and ive had some amazing experiences but i still feel so desperately unhappy.

 

I have realised that i loved my ex in a very unhealthy way, i put everything into him, all my self-esteem, all my plans and dreams for the future....then i finished university and we split up at the same time - i felt (and still feel) so lost. I had totally neglected to think what i would do for a career, i thought i'd be happy whatever if i was with him. I know now how foolish that was because now its gone i have nothing.

 

We had planned to be living together now (in the best place in UK, the place ive wanted to live since i was 12 years old....and he's living there now without me) i had a place for a teachers training course there - it was planned out. I didnt take the place and he's living and loving it there without me.

 

I look at my life and shake my head....i'm so far from where i wanted to be, the person i am is so much less than i hoped i would grow into. How much do you think it is possible to change as a person and how do you do this? I hate myself, i feel so worthless and that i have nothing to offer anyone. If he could walk away and never even miss me, how can i be worth anything? all my friends are moving in with their boyfriends and settling into jobs....theyre growing up! i feel so left behind and horrified at what ive lost, we had it better than any of them and yet its gone. my life is nothing like i want it to be and yet i feel powerless to change it.

 

All i wanted was to marry him, i cant bear the thought of living alone for the rest of my life. I'm so lonely now and its tearing me apart that some other girl will get to live the life i want.

 

Ive done a lot of travelling and i am moving next month (getting out of my parents house and the dead end job ive been doing for too long since finishing uni....i know these things are contributing to getting me down as its hard to go home after living alone) but i just cant find any new plan that i want half as much as i wanted the one i made with him. I know that wherever i go, i cant get rid of me.....i am still me no matter where i run to, and it is me that he despises and puts no value on. I just dont know what to do. How can i get over the fact that he loves someone else when i am still so in love with him. how can i change myself? i cant bear myself when i know i was not good enough to keep him.

 

Thanks for listening

[pacopaco]

hi,

 

i can relate to your post. have you looked into your past? I mean really looked into what your family like was like? I ask because no one can make you feel worthless, and if you're still carrying around that feeling, then maybe it was a feeling that's been there all along.

My ex of 7 years cheated on me. we lived together, and I totally understand where you're coming from. When the ball drops, our dreams of a future, and the hope of a better life without that same person is smashed.

Look at the things you're doing. you're travelling, getting out of a "dead end job," and moving out of your parents, sounds like you're doing good things for yourself!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You are giving him too much power... by that i mean, that because he broke up with you, you are taking that as a sign that NOBODY will ever love you... you are only 22, very young, and many opportunities and new men ahead of you... you just need to take some time to heal and put this into perspective.

 

this was not you only or last chance, this was a romance that did not work out. most people have LOTS of these, and the person you might marry at 22 may not be the best person to last a lifetime with anyway.

 

If you wait a few years, lots of your friends moving in together or marrying will move out and be divorced, so don't judge yourself on anybody else's life or timetable.

 

sometimes the stress of a breakup can tip one into depression, where everything is colored dark and hopeless. you might consider counseling or visiting a doctor for medication at this point, if you are still in such pain 18 months later, you have slipped from healthy grieving into being stuck in a depression. once you are no longer depressed, you will be able to see this breakup for what it is, a breakup when you were very young, and you have plenty of time and opportunity to meet someone where it will work out.

[kekep]

I have realised that i loved my ex in a very unhealthy way, i put everything into him, all my self-esteem, all my plans and dreams for the future....

 

I am sorry that you are feeling this way right now. Feelings of worthlessness are pretty normal, especially after a traumatic breakup. But you say you've been having these feelings for a while now? I think you may need to go talk to somebody if you dislike yourself this immensely. Did something happen to you in the past that has caused you to feel this way before? Have you had any other relationships that ended badly? I had the same self-esteem problem in high school, and I went and talked to a counselor, which helped me realize I was a fairly self-destructive person who was not kind to myself and allowed others to use me. Believe me when I tell you this: you are a good person who deserves to be loved 100%. Nobody should be able to make you feel worthless; only YOU can allow someone else to let you feel that way.

 

I read through the rest of your post, and I think another issue you have may be dependency. You have to realize that in the future, you can't put all of your eggs in one basket like you did with this guy. You need to live a life of balance that allows that person you are with to be themselves, and allows you to be your individual self; only then can you come together in a healthy, loving and balanced relationship. It sounds like you were so immersed in your future with this person that you didn't focus at all on the present. Learn to love yourself and find out the person that YOU are, especially before you enter into another relationship with the next person.

 

This isn't to say I don't believe you shouldn't think of a future with the person you are with. And I'm sorry that this relationship ended for you, I truly am. I think you will find love, just focus on you and being alone for awhile so you can figure out your path in life.

[locolady]

thanks for the replies, i have considered getting some counselling because i do think i am depressed. i know its not usual to feel so bad for so long. I dont know how to go about it though....counsellings not really a big thing in england, or if it is no-one is open about it. i cant ask through my doctor because my mum works there and my parents think you have to sort these things out yourself. My mum had a lot of tragedy in her childhood and so believes you have to find the inner strength. is there another way i can find someone to talk to?

 

Also, part of me feels so pathetic....ultimately i should be able to move on, people cope with far worse. Am i just being self-indulgent and wallowing? i dont know, but i just cant shake the sadness, i feel so despondent and scared of the future.

 

i know people say you cant put your self-esteem into someone else but surely the truth IS that i AM worthless....if i had anything good to give, if i was beautiful or attractive then he would want to be with me....but he doesnt. I contrubited absolutely nothing to his life, he was able to devastate me then walk away, feel no guilt and never miss me....not one of our friends stood up for me or told him he was wrong to treat me like that......so obviously thats all i deserve.

 

How can you change yourself when you dont even know whats wrong with you? i dont know why he hated me so much or how he could lie to me....how can i make sure this doesnt just happen again and again when i dont know what i did wrong. I couldnt satisfy my boyfriend or keep someone despite loving him so much......why fool myself then that i'll ever be able to?

 

I never meet anyone even half as amazing as my ex, yet he's replaced me....i really cant cope with him having someone else, its tearing me apart.