relationship "break"???

[badja]

Some help from anyone would be great with my situation....thanks in advance too.

 

My girlfriend of 3 and a half months told me yesterday (13 Jan) that she wants us to go on a break. I was totally shocked and although we had been arguing a lot recently, the arguments were always to do with slly little frustrations...nothing really hectic. I offered her other options but she seemed set on a break, so I told her to let me know by the end of the day how long she needed. At the end of the day she told me she needed a month. She hasnt exactly explained her reasoning for this except that she says she needs time sort her own issues out and to find her core being!! So as much as I always have told myself never to go on a break but to rather end it, I love this girl too much to just let go so I said I would give her the time. Naturally I thought we would not talk too often or at all and I said she would not hear much from me during this time. But over the past two days of this "break" she still texts me saying she loves me so so so much and wants to be in my future, and continues to sms throughout the day saying how much she misses me and is thinking of me and loves me forever and that it would be nice if I didnt ignore her but replied. I'm so confused because I said we should sort the issues out together and maybe slow things down a bit, seeing each other a little less often so there is that space still. She said no to that but still wants to speak often daily!!! So how is this a break?? All its doing is making it way harder for me coz throughout the day I get reminders from the girl I love but can't be with?!

 

Sorry this is so long, but I'm majorly confused at the moment.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

Welcome to Enotalone.

 

I too find it a bit confusing that your gf asks for a break but continues to contact you frequently.

 

In my humble opinion (and others may disagree), I think you should consider giving her the following two options:

 

a) Either put a stop to the break and work TOGETHER to resolve the issues at hand

 

OR

 

b) Ask her to respect you by giving you NC during the ONE month break period as you are respecting her wishes by agreeing to go on a break for a month. And during this one month break period, it might be helpful to reassess if this relationship is what is best for YOU.

 

Good luck!

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA!

 

Breaks often mean the end is near but her need for contact and reassurance that you are they says differently. Is it possible that she is scared by the fast pace of your relationship? 3 1/2 months in the scheme of things isn't long at all. She may have things that she needs to sort out but wants to keep you on the hook while doing so. I really think that you need to have a better explanation of her need for this break. You may not be so willing once you understand her reason. On one hand you could say that she is being open and honest with you but on the other hand do you really know? Is it possible that she is questioning her feelings and struggling with someone from the past or someone she has recently met? I'm not trying to give you a bleak outlook but her vagueness leaves little room for a legitimate reason. Time to talk or time to walk.

 

RC

[annie24]

I think it is rather odd to have a break after 3 and a half months.... (In general, I think breaks are pretty lame.) I agree, ask her what is going on. I think you deserve an answer. If she doesn't give you one, make it a breakup, start dating others. A month from now, tell her she can give you a call, but you may or may not be dating someone new.

[badja]

thanks for the replies...good to have people to talk to bout this!

 

To be honest we started seeing each other soon after she broke up with her ex of bout 2 and a half years. She said there was no threat there so I trusted her but then in the beginning of December(after being with each other just over 2 months) I saw msgs to her ex on her phone about her maybe getting back together with him in the new year. I eventually got the courage to confront her bout it and she said she needed to think and she went away the following day so she had that time and I gave it to her, as much as it hurt. i then saw her about 3 days later and we spoke and she said it was a mistake and she said she would contact him and end it once and for all. Which she told me she did about a week ago and she said he never replied to her msg. I havn't asked bout it since then but feel as though I should so I know that its not that thats caused this break. Is that something I should ask her,especially in this time of uncertainty??

 

I really do believe that she loves me and wants to be with me and I've asked her "is she sure this isn't a soft way of breaking up with me?" about 3 times since she started the break and each time she has said that she does not want to lose or be without me. And in her texts she says that constanly, she wants me and loves me and misses me....etc. She has also said a couple times that she is sorry to do this but that we will be better off in the long run when we back together and that the break is good for both of us.

[badja]

thanks for the reply Cosmo

 

Thing is I spoke to a couple friends and we all came to the conclusion that she just needs some space, not a "break" coz she is constantly trying to speak to me. Yesterday was the first day in bout 5 months that I didn't speak to her. There is this online chat program that we hav on our cellphones and she was always leaving messages there so I changed phones yesterday to one that can't go onto the chat program. I havn't checked yet, but I am certain there will be a hoard of messages there because last night she texted me 4 times saying how she refuses to lose me,her love for me hasn't changed,looks forward to our future together,etc...

And she is asking for me to reply and not ignore her but speaking to her daily is not a break coz nothing really has changed. I don't know if i should not contact or reply??

I agree with you in that I should start moving on and not leave myself so vulnerable to a break-up after this stupid break. Thing is I want to be with her and all these messages kinda tell me she still wants to be with me.

I dunno,its a very confusing situation! I guess maybe I should reply when I feel I should?

She also got her results from her college today and texted me telling me about them. Kinda feel I should reply to that to say congrats, just to keep the peace and stuff?

[badja]

Ok just an update with my situation as it stands now.

My girlfriend eventually came to the realisation that she doesn't want a break, she just needs some space and for us to take things a bit slowly. I totally agree with this and understand but one thing bothers me. I asked her today if she had sorted stuff out with her ex and she said she is still busy sorting it out but he is fighting with her.

I'm confused as to why this could take so long, telling your ex not to contact anymore and that she is moving on with her life. I can imagine this idiot is still trying his luck at getting her back but what should I do in this situation?

I was thinking maybe I tell her to call me when she is ready to be with me and if during that time I meet someone else then it was never meant to be. I don't know if thats a bit harsh. I've never been in this situation so I'm probably way off as to how to act but I kinda don't understand why it could take so long to tell the guy to get lost and end it!

Help!!!](*,) :sad:

[Ellie2006]

Hey B,

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting right now ...

I do not mean to stir up trouble b/t you and your gf BUT if I may ask:

are you okay with giving your gf some space while she sorts things out w/ her ex?

 

I see that you say in the post above that she was with her ex a little over 2 years and you guys started to date soon after she broke it off w/ him ...

 

Not to worry you further but I do think it is a bit disconcerting that she admits to still "sorting things out with her ex who's fighting for the relationship."

 

If you think you can give her the time and space to gain clarity about her situation, then I commend you for your generosity and strength and your empathetic concern for your ex (who must be confused as well by the situation).

 

BUT if you do think it might be hurtful for you to sit on the sideline and be put on the back burner while she sorts out her feelings and makes a decision about who she wants to be with, THEN I do think you may want to consider reassessing whether or not this relationship is for you.

 

In my humble opinion, I think it is rather unfair of your gf to string you along while she tries to make a decision about who she wants to be with.

 

You're right: if she was clear about who she wants to be with at this juncture, it really should not take her this long to decide and put her relationship w/ you on the line ...

 

I do not think it is harsh at all to initiate NC right now and ask her to contact you when her mind is made up and she is fully committed to working towards a reconciliation w/ you.

 

It is great you want to support her during her time of need BUT not at the risk of hurting your emotional stability.

 

Whether you decide to give your gf the space OR ask her for NC, please know we're here to support you.

 

Take care of yourself!

[badja]

Hi, ellie

Thanks so much for the helpful words but you may have misunderstood me a bit.

She says that she does want to be with me and not with him, my only concern in this is that I don't understand why she is taking so long to sort it out??Him fighting with her makes it a longer thing to sort out but surely she could tell him straight up that its over and he must not contact her anymore??

 

Right now we are speaking but I've decided not to contact her, if she contacts me which she will do everday I will just reply to keep things civil. As to how loving my messages will be, I think it best to keep them relaxed and not give her all my attention. i agree with focussing on myself at this point and really looking after my needs but I don't want to just move on. I already have moved on a bit and it feels strange now to think she is wanting to take things slowly. Feels as though I'm starting a relationship with someone new, that describes the extent of my confusion

 

Thanks again

[Ellie2006]

Hi B,

Sorry, my bad

 

One final thought, if I may: there *does* appear to be some discrepancy between her words and her actions; in other words, while she SAYS she wants to be with you, she is still interacting with him, even though she is aware that her doing so is hurting you and putting your relationship at risk.

 

Anyway, please make certain to guard your heart ...

 

Good luck!

[badja]

No problem

 

Yup I'm aware of that and I still don't understand why its taking her so long to rid of him.

I'm giving serious thought to breaking up with her now....

I feel she is being very unfair going on for so long and while I don't have a clue what he is saying I just don't see why she is still sorting it out.

Gonna be hard to end it but like you say, I must take care of my heart.

 

Thanks...will let you know what I do.

[badja]

Ok some more help please people??

 

My girlfriend and I had a long chat and we gonna take things slow. She says she has tried to tell the ex that she doesn't want to hear from him but he is pleading for her to try and they just throwing words at each other but the bugger wont let up.She says she is over him and just wants to be with me.

 

How in the world do we get this ex to get over it and move on coz its really driving me nuts????

 

Anyone please:sad: :sad:

[Ellie2006]

Why won't she do NC?

If she really wants to stop all communication, will she consider changing her phone number, changing her email addresses, deleting him from IM?

[badja]

I honestly don't know what she has said to him but she has told me that she is getting there to sorting it out once and for all,he is just pleading and not letting up I guess.

 

If it carries on for much longer I think it is the best idea to change numbers,etc. so no contact happens and if he manages well then a restraining order or something.

Its just hard on our relationship at the moment coz it bothers both of us and creates more problems between us....

[badja]

Ok I'm sorry this is still going but I don't know what to do.

 

My girlfriend and I are a bit better now and things seem to be looking good but she still hasn't sorted her ex out and whenever I bring it up she just changes the subject. How do I get a response out of her or at best get her to end it with the ex?? I can't see how she can't just end it.

If she honestly loves me like she says she does then why is her situation so hard to sort out?

 

[breeze33]

hate to be blunt about it but I agree with Ellie and from what I read, you two hooked up right after she broke off with a bf she had a 2 1/2 relationship who is now "fighting" to get her back. There has to be a recovery and mourning period after a break-up whether she loved him or not, that length of time is pretty long.

 

I don't know how old you are but as I've matured, through experience I've learned not to hook up with "wounded" birds. They are in a confused state of mind and I feel that is what is happening here.

 

If you want this relationship, don't push it or force it. Take it slow and give it space. If you cannot stand that she cannot fully be there for you, it's time to apply some NC. Good luck.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

She really shouldn't be 'sorting out' her old relationship on her new boyfriend's time... by that i mean, people who really want to leave, leave, and those who want to break up do so. This sorting should have happened BEFORE she took up with you, and if she has already got a new boyfriend, then the sorting should be OVER.

 

It makes me think that she is not so sure what she wants to do, and is stringing you along until she decides. If he is bombarding her with calls, then she can block them, same with email etc. It is NOT kind to let your ex think he has a chance with you, and if he is not 'getting' that it's over, the kindest thing to do is to tell him once and for all,it's over, don't contact me, then cut him off if he does.

 

so i think the real problem is SHE is not ready to cut that cord, and may not be telling you the whole picture. I would have another talk with her and tell her it is kinder for her to cut him off entirely, and if she refuses, then time for you to cut HER off. tell her to call you when she is done 'sorting' things, meanwhile you are going on with your life and have NC except to hear whether she is done sorting or not.

 

btw, don't you think it odd that was willing to take a break from you for the sake of him, but she is not willing to take a break from him for the sake of your relationship? really, i think she is not telling you the whole story... maybe it is she trying to talk him into reuniting, and she is keeping you on the hook in case she can't reunite with him.

[Ellie2006]

btw, don't you think it odd that was willing to take a break from you for the sake of him, but she is not willing to take a break from him for the sake of your relationship? really, i think she is not telling you the whole story...

 

Hey Badja,

I agree w/ what BeStrongBeHappy says above.

As hurtful as it may be, please do give a serious consideration to what BSBH said.

[badja]

Thanks so much for the replies everyone.

 

Well last night I was gonna break up with her and tell her to give me a call when she is ready to be with me fully but I gave myself the entire day to think bout whether it was the best thing to do and before the end of the day she messaged me saying her ex and her spoke and he has told her he will not contact anymore and leave her to be happy.

As much as I was happy to hear that I just hope he doesn't contact in the future and I think I'm gonna tell my gf to let me know if he does...

But hopefully things will work out for us

Thanks again for all the advice given, was really struggling last week!