on a break.. need to spill my guts..

[keenan]

i read your posts. no, i don't think it's hopeless at all. you sound like a really nice, reasonable guy, and i was thinking even when i posted my last comment that i hope you guys do find a way to work it out.

 

i think it's sometimes hard to figure out from ENA postings what the true feelings of the 'dumper' are.... in your case, for example, whether she truly just wanted some space and time to get her feelings in order, whether she really wanted to break up but is trying to ease out of it gradually to spare your feelings, or (most extreme) whether she wanted to break up and was very clear about it but you're grasping at straws.

 

the last case is unfortunately all to frequent on ENA (sometimes to the point of near self-destruction). i think that those of us who have been around here for awhile (and especially those of us who have - at some point - spent time grasping at straws ourselves) are sensitive to the tell-tale signs, and so come out of the gate swinging hard for NC. it's almost a reflex.

 

but really...at heart i'm a softie, and i honestly can't tell if she *really* wants a 'break' or a 'break up'...so i'm hedging. NC is supposed to protect *you* from hurting even more than you already do. it's not about strategy. so if you're pretty darn sure that she just needs time (and aren't just stringing yourself along), then i think you should be gentle and kind with her...stay in contact but don't be needy or overbearing. still wait just a bit before replying, and do be brief. but leave the door open if you can handle that.

 

i like lifestream's post.

 

good luck, and do keep us posted.

[regoms]

ok, so before i expected to have one, here's an update

 

she IMed me tonight, and while it was a mixed bag. i came out of it feeling ok.

 

now, the uncanny thing is that the reason she imed me was to tell me she was going to come while im at work one day to get her stuff, and to leave my key and get hers back. i almost wonder if she is on this site and realizes who i am boy would i feel silly!

 

but anyway,.. obviously this was somewhat crushing to me, because as i explained before,.. the holding on of stuff and keys was one of the things keeping my hopes up.

 

so,.. i decided to return her im when i got back to my computer. i asked her why the change, and she said because she was under the impression that we weren't speaking anymore, and plus she needed the stuff anyway.

 

so, i explained to her that im not avoiding her, and that im merely trying to give her the space she needs. she said she didnt expect to stop getting emails from me, but that if i thought it was better it was ok. i told her no, i like keeping in touch so email is fine.

 

so,..all good then? well no. she still wants all her stuff back, and of course, being me, i couldnt help but ask her to clarify.. now that she knows we're on speaking terms why does she still want everything? she explains to me that this is going to be a long process and if things work out we'll be starting over anyway. i told her i understood. she said "im sorry i know thats not what you want to hear", but i told her, that it was perfectly fine.. i'd rather hear that than "get lost sucker!"(joking of course). she told me im not a sucker and im still her best friend. i told her it meant a lot to me, and that i felt the same way. she said "im glad."

 

i went on to tell her that all i want is for her to do whatever she needs to handle her situation, and ill be there for her, in the background. she told me thanks and said she didnt expect me to put my life on hold for her and if i get tired of waiting she understands. i told her i know, and that im not putting anything on hold. i told her i dont see getting tired of waiting, but thanked her.(i know, this was weak). she smiled.

 

this was followed by some friendly chat, and she said she was going to get going. since we were having our first good IM chat in a while now,.. i decided to see what she felt about v-day. honestly,.. i was expecting the worst, and even after i typed the question and hit send i thought "what did i do!?".. but she didnt seem upset. and she didnt say no. i mean,.. she didnt say yes. but she said she would have to think about it, that it would be hard to see me. i told her not to feel any pressure and that it was not a big deal and completely up to her. she said she would let me know, but if she couldnt do it,.. she didnt want me to have to spend v-day alone if i dont want(i know,.. again cutting me loose). i told her it wasnt so much about v-day.. i just thought it would be nice to catch up a little.

 

so we'll see. i realize that's leaning towards a no, but i honestly expected it to come immediately.

 

and maybe im now a grasper, as you so greatly put it. but like i said.. i just cant bring myself to believe it would end like this, on a great note. so,.. still hoping i guess that things can work out, but in the meantime ill carry on with life, and see what happens. but obviously,.. the no contact approach is going to get me nowhere.

 

i know after tonight this will peak and end up in a rollercoaster of emotions so ill definitely be back. i already noticed she removed me from her top 8 tonight on myspace, and removed the "we still get along great" part from our facebook relationship status, and i know thats silly high school stuff and it shouldnt matter.. but for some reason it does. im assuming she did this because she thought i stopped talking to her.. so we'll see. im guessing she wont put me back on her tops on myspace, but i did set the facebook thing back.. i guess ill see if she approves it or not.

 

as always,.. any opinions,.. greatly appreciated.

 

and,.. if she IS on here and seeing these posts(i know, paranoid),.. well i dont know what to say because she obviously knows EXACTLY how i feel about things already.

 

edit: by the way i want to thank everyone again who is keeping up with my story and giving me advice. even if it seems like its going in one ear and out the other, i really do appreciate it, and it helps a lot.

[keenan]

she's probably not on here. i think we all get a little paranoid about that once in awhile, lol.

 

i don't know what to tell you. i'm glad you had a nice talk and that you're on speaking terms. it's obvious that you care about each other, and that she wants you to get through this with as little pain as possible. more that i'd like, i'm still feeling like she's taking you on the 'letting you down easy' walk. it's like a balloon slowly drifting to the ground...it catches a breeze once in awhile, but eventually it lands, bounces a couple of times, and then sits for awhile. who knows if she (the breeze) will figure things out and come back to you.

 

notice that my metaphor puts you in a passive position, and her in an active one.

 

all you can do at this point is manage your own behavior...and you're doing that beautifully. you've made it clear that you love her and are open to rekindling a relationship in the future. you haven't freaked out and made her angry, frightened, or so overtly sad that she'll be tempted to shut down and avoid you.

 

going forward, your top priority at this point should be to take care of yourself...which means being active, not obsessing about her, looking for opportunities to socialize, and keeping an open mind about possibly moving on.

 

*if you are sure that you want to keep your door open for awhile (and that you can handle the uncertainty that comes from this)*, continue to be kind, caring, and open toward her, but not obviously sad or needy. she knows you love her, and that will be in the back of her mind as she begins to date other people. if she has some negative experiences, she's going to remember you as a safe harbor, and a pleasant place to return to. but in the spirit of my original advice, don't be *too* open or available. you don't want her to regard you just as a backup, but rather as a really great opportunity that she let slip away. a little bit of mystery intrigues.

 

and btw...you ARE a really great opportunity, and she IS letting you slip away. allow yourself to be a little bit angry about that.

 

in general, my motto is to live so that you don't have any regrets. this doesn't just mean 'don't screw anything up', but also means 'take chances that are worth taking, and that you'll regret not taking.' it's a balancing act. one step at a time.

 

bottom line? whether the relationship is repaired or not, you'll look back on this period often over the next few years, and you'll want to be proud of handling yourself with dignity, but also confident that you made all reasonable efforts to move forward with someone you care about. i think you're doing that well.

[regoms]

wow,.. i dont know what to say but THANKS! i understand what you mean and im doing just that. keeping myself busy, getting in touch with old friends, making new ones, and even considering attempting a new hobby

 

at this point its not even a matter of just being on the "backburner". im just not interested in a relationship with anyone right now(well, except her obviously), and im pretty sure thats normal after the amount of time we spent together. i dont see any need to run out and hunt down new relationships just because im out of this one. of course after some unknown amount of time that will change, but for now im just gonna have some fun and stay busy. thanks again

 

..you know ill be back.

[keenan]

you're welcome!

[regoms]

hey all,.. its been a busy weekend, and things have been good.

 

as i said my ex is coming to get her stuff this week, and she had let me borrow 3 metal folding chairs. they were kinda old/heavy so i IMed her last night just to ask if she wanted me to leave them in my garage(i live on the second floor, so i figured it'd save her having to lug them down the steps).

she said no but thanks, and then we got into a conversation which actually lasted for maybe.. 30,40 min?

 

she had a rough week with some car problems and a huge fight between her bosses at work, and she was venting to me about it. at one point during the conversation she actually apologized for talking to me and explained that I'm the person she's used to telling about this kind of stuff,.. i told her i don't mind and didnt want her to feel bad about it. overall it was a pretty good conversation. nothing terribly exciting except for the fact that she wasnt opposed to it. not that it's going to be a regular thing or anything

 

oh, and she still hasnt shot me down about valentines day. we'll see.

 

have a good one everyone!

[keenan]

glad you got to touch base and recharge a bit. here's a toast to more bad weeks (for your ex)....

[regoms]

hehe,.. i almost feel guilty in some way,.. in the same period of time i've worked off about 5 lbs(2 belt holes!), bought a beautiful Acura, booked a business trip to Texas in March(business with a LOT of time for pleasure!), and just have generally been having a carefree blast. i have a little side business i run from home(aside from my "real" job) in my free time, and ive allocated more time to that,.. everything is just great.

 

but of course... what is success without someone to share it with? so im almost "there". but still a few pieces missing.

 

but.. i know everything will be ok. even if i get sad at times. im healthy, im generally happy, and i know i can overcome anything that gets thrown at me. well,.. except maybe a blizzard.. in which case i might have to take a day off from EVERYTHING

 

haha thanks again for checking in. things are getting easier but you know i'll be back.

[regoms]

well im back. my ex decided no v-day for us. and again said she didnt want me to wait for her.. i wrote her back telling her that i respect her decision, and i kind of questioned her on the not wanting me to wait. i was starting to expect shed come back and just tell me that she went out and met somebody.

 

anyway,.. i was anxious for an answer to i imed her to tell her i responded. she responded a minute later and asked if id like to talk about it. i told her she could just write back in email but she said she figured it would be a long conversation so IM would be easier, so i agreed.

 

at this point i was expecting the worse.. i met someone, things are over, forget about me,.. whatever.

 

but nope. she just told me shes having a lot of fun with her friends and feeling better about herself, which i think is great. she said honestly at the moment shes not even thinking about "us" too much. (which is fine by me,.. like you guys say, if shes thinking about me all the time she's not getting her space).

 

but this next part really surprised me. she told me for the first time since we broke up, that she loves me, and always will. she explained that the reason she doesnt want to get together for v-day is because when she decided to break with me, she had a "huge battle between her head and her heart", and she doesnt want to put herself into the position to get into that again. i can't argue with that, i suppose. in fact i was ecstatic that she even took some time to consider it.

 

she then went on to tell me about her therapy, and that the therapist said that "we're not right for each other". i asked her why she thought so and she named 3 issues, that im my opinion were largely misunderstandings, or just things she should have mentioned to me if it bothered her so much. we talked at length about the 3 issues and she seemed to understand my side of things, and i truly think she knows i wasnt just giving her the old "but i'll change!" routine. she even told me some stuff i never realized about her families views on me, and it made me so happy i was literally crying. of course on the other side of that, this information would have been useful before now, hehe.

 

i was really surprised that we got into a conversation about "us". it was kind of relieving, actually. i miss being able to talk to her about ..everything. so we chatted some more, and before i left i returned her i love you. overall i think things went well. this is the 3rd decent AIM conversation we've had in this period of "not talking on aim".

 

maybe things are getting better? maybe im just starting to get optimistic. i know nothing will happen anytime soon. but at least she's beginning to open up more. i appreciate that.

 

well, no real questions. just wanted to update you guys.