keefy1972 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I've recently found out, through a mutual friend, that the ex I've been pining over for so long has broken up with the guy she left me for. Interestingly enough, he is also the guy she was with before we ever dated. Quick overview of their story was he is 52 and she is 35. She wants marriage and family and he don't. He's been there and done that already. Seems simple enough. Their relationship, minus the six months they were broken up and us dating, has lasted almost 10 years. We actually work together and getting over her and moving on has been very hard. I feel strong love for her and she doesn't feel the same. We've tried being friends for a long, long time now. Things would go great for a while, but because I have much stronger feelings than her, I would grow frustrated and things would escalate into an argument. I know a lot of people will criticize me for trying to be friends with her, and I don't blame them for it, but at work I could be strong for a while, then I'd see her and my heart would just melt. Anyways, I noticed that from before Christmas, up until now, she was treating me differently. She was very withdrawn, very short, and really didn't seem like her self at all. After noticing this for a few weeks, I asked her if everything was okay. She lied and said yes, but I dropped it and didn't press it any further. A week after, I found out about her break up. I was like WOW!! I knew it. I didn't know it was that, but I knew something was definitely up. She just left town a few days ago to visit her friends and family out of state. I'm sure that this trip is to clear her head as well as to visit family. I guess what I'm wondering is, in your opinion, do you think her troubles and subsequent break up played a part in her becoming withdrawn, and to an extent, nasty with me? Also how should I handle her from here on out?? Back waaayyy off and let her open up to me on her own? Or just continue to try and be friends?? I don't know, after so long, I honestly didn't think they were ever going to break up, or get married for that matter. Was one of the most stagnant and dead-end relationships that I'd ever heard of. Link to comment
agualibre777 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I think you should just keep acting like she's in a relationship. I mean, do you want to be the leftovers? No point in pursuing her or trying to make it work out with her when it's clear this other guy has her heart, broken up or not. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 touche' aqualibre777 Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 If she was in and out of a relationship with this guy for 10 years, it may not be over yet, just another round in their relationship... maybe she gave him an ultimatum to marry or have kids and he didn't cave to it, so she left... but she may change her mind again and go back, since this is a recent event... but the bottom line is that she doesn't seem to be really interested in you, and is mooning over someone else... you could go another round with her as well, and she could dump you yet again for this guy or someone else she has stronger feelings for... i suggest you keep it as strictly friendly co-workers, and go about your business and find a woman who is really excited about you, not someone else... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Bestrong you are right on. I've known this all along. I'm so weak about this particular person and I don't understand why. Maybe I'm a commitment phobe. I stay hung up on someone that's unavailable so that I don't put myself in a place to commit to someone who is. I've wondered that alot. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 My guess is that she is not comfortable talking to you about this. You say that when you try to be just friends you get frustrated and have difficulty controlling your feelings, so I am guessing that she still knows you have feelings for her. My advice is to leave it alone. She has a long history with him, and as BSBH said, she is clearly not over him or willing to let that go, even if it is not the best situation for her. You deserve more, and you already got burned one, maybe staying away from the flame is your best option. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thanks Hope. I was thinking that was the best thing to do. Do you think that her withdrawing and being nasty with me was a result of what she was going through with him? I didn't do anything to bring it on. It just seemed that shortly before Christmas, her whole demeanor towards me changed. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Another angle here is that she may come back and try and pursue a relationship with you. This could be viewed as a good thing, and as a bad thing. I was friends with someone I worked with for about a year. When I switched jobs, we stayed in touch as good friends. I had feelings for her, but could never act on them because when I met her, she had a boyfriend that became fiance, husband, separated, and ultimately divorced. We stopped hanging out once she got married because her husband was jealous. We talked some, but very rarely. Well, 7 months into her separation, she called me, and we started hanging out. For 2 months it was good friendship, and turned into something more. Well, my feelings continued to grow. I think hers did to, but she was just finalizing a divorce. People in these situations definitely need to have people in their lives there for them. You are probably a perfect candidate since you are friends, but beware of becoming rebound guy. Keep it cool, be friends with her and there for her in that way. If more happens and you get closer with her, just keep it cool, and don't push for something more than she is ready for. Not saying this is exactly the case, but sounds very similar to something that happened to me... Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thanks for the reply terk. So are you now dating that girl, or did it not work out?? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Thanks Hope. I was thinking that was the best thing to do. Do you think that her withdrawing and being nasty with me was a result of what she was going through with him? I didn't do anything to bring it on. It just seemed that shortly before Christmas, her whole demeanor towards me changed. It's possible- she may have just been going through alot in her personal life and lashed out. But try not to read too much into it. It's hard to be friends after you have had a romantic relationship with someone as you have learned... it can be awkward and uncomfortable at times. Link to comment
keefy1972 Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 Word COTTON worrrd!! Link to comment
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