Bizzare situation - Mixed Feelings

[mr_ripley]

OK, where to begin. It's a long, sometimes stupid story so please bare with me.

 

Last month (August 1'st) I met the women of my dreams. She was working as a bar manager in a local pub. Now, I'm not a great drinker so I have very little reason to visit pubs, local or otherwise. But for some unknown reason I decided to take a jaunt down my local for a bottle of bud and a chat with some of the locals. Anyway, as soon as I walk in the door I see her, she see's me - there is an instant connection. For most of the night we look over at each other and smile, we quite litteraly can't take our eyes of each other. I also noticed that she was dropping a lot of glasses on the floor and giving people wrong change. She would later admit that she was flustered because I was in the room. As the pub was closing she came over to talk to me, we had a nice chat and drink or two. The next day it got back to me through a mutual friend that she had been asking about me, she even gave said friend a t-shirt to give to me as a little present (sounkinda corny, but nice). I enquire about her age, availability etc. Tirns out she is 42, 13 years older than me, although looking at her you wouldn't believe it. She looks closer to 32.

 

The next day I buy some new clothes, get a haircut, doll myself up and head round to the pub, knowing that she will be there. Once again, we simply cannot take our eyes off each other. I plan to ask her out but unfortunately end up a bit drunker than I had originaly planned and decide to leave it.

 

The next day though, I head for the pub and ask her out. She tells me that she would really love to go out with me but can't as she is leaving for home in a few days and doesn't have any time off. Turns out she stays 200 miles away, something I didn't know. I leave the bar somewhat deflated. However, I have this feeling, a feeling that I haven't really had before. A feeling of destiny perhaps, fate maybe, I dunno. So the very next day after I've finished work I head for the pub yet again, a single red rose in hand. We talk for a few hours and over the course of the conversation I discover that she is in a relationship. However, the person she is in a relationship with is in prison for fraud.Turns out this guy is a professional conman. Not only that but she had met him when he walked from a low-security prison, to put it simply - he was on the run. She only knew him for 2 weeks when the police caught him yet she promised that she would wait for him in spite of his past crimes. He has promised her that he has changed, that he loves her and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her - she believes him. Needless to say, after hearing this I feel deflated, hopefull and scared. What kind of person promises themsleves to a known conman? Perhaps I should have ran then but I still had this feeling. So...the very next night I visit the pub yet again. I tell her that she is making a mistake, she should leave this guy behind her and be with me, we both know there is a special connection between us, etc. She says she can't. We hug, we kiss, we exchange phone-numbers, she leaves for home. I feel like sh*t.

 

The next day I send flowers (red roses) to her home address. She calls me telling me how sweet it was of me to do such a thing, etc. So over the course of the next week we talk every day over the phone, send each other text messages. Out of the blue she tells me that contact with me has to stop, she is betraying her partner by keeping in contact with me. I agree and decide toleave it at that. 2 days later she sends me a text message, which I reply to. She then phones me up and we talk, we begin to have contact on a regular basis. More often than not she would tell me that she knows she is making a big mistake by not ridding herself this conman and continuing a more intimate relationship with me but can't, as she still believes that this man has changed. Yet, she still contacts me every day via frequent text messages and phone calls.

 

Last week, she tells me that she is coming to visit me which she does. I give her my usual speach about us being together etc. She tells me she is confused and that she doesn't know what to do. We spend the night together in the same bed yet we do not have sex, we merely kiss and hold each other, somehow this makes it all the more special for me, I tell her that I am falling in love with her.

In the morning she leaves for home.

 

Over the course of the next coule of days we talk on the phone. She once again tells me that she won't be contacting me and it would be best if I didn't contact her formy own sake. She says that she loves this other man deeply and that he loves her. Yet strangely she asks for my email address at the end of the conversation. I tell her that I will call her on wednesday with my new mobile number, she agrees.

 

 

Anyway, that brings us right up to the present. I must apologize for the length of my post but I felt that I had to describe everything in detail, no matter how minute it seems.

 

So here's my question. What in the name of hell am I to this woman? I have a sneaky suspicion that I have been an emotional battery to her, chasing her up, makeing her feel wanted, helping her through this difficult relationship with her criminal boyfriend. Yet part of me believes (wants to believe) that she has genuine feelings for me.

 

What the hell should I do here? Should I just leave it? I'm very confused.

 

Many thanks for listening.

 

-Tom

[sabena]

I have a sneaky suspicion that I have been an emotional battery to her, chasing her up,

makeing her feel wanted, helping her through this difficult relationship with her criminal

boyfriend. Yet part of me believes (wants to believe) that she has genuine feelings for me.

 

This is your answer. You have found this out for yourself and maybe if you re-read your posting you will see it too. I don't for one minute think that this woman has done this consciously and has thought "oh I know, I will lure this man into wanting me and keep him hanging on until I can sort myself out". It doesn't happen and if it does, it's done rarely.

 

You have come along in her life at a time when she needed you the most and although I have no doubts that she genuinely likes you, she is still very emotionally attached to this other man.

 

A lot of us stay with bad partners because we fear what the future can bring, even if another man becomes interested and is so very nice as you are.

 

I think if she does come to see you, you need to lay it on the line what your feelings are and where you would like the relationship to go. If she makes excuses about being there for this other guy, him needing her or that she can't leave him whilst he is in hospital then you need to tell her that the relationship as it stands cannot carry on.

 

She is using you as an emotional shoulder to boost her self-esteem but as I said earlier, I don't think is meant in a nasty way. We all need to feel wanted and worthwhile and so do you. You need a relationship that is there for you and that can progress as it is you too are holding onto this girl because maybe you have been waiting a while for something to come along.

[Mar]

I couldn't have said it better myself....you did nothing wrong, you simply appeared in this woman's life at a time when she needed some security and attention. Naturally she's going to be torn between you, a wonderful, FREE man who's obviously attracted to her, and this man she met who's professing his love for her and his changed ways, albeit in jail. Having a friend in jail myself, and the letter he wrote to me telling me how he's changed and misses our friendship and realizes (FINALLY) the error of his stupid ways, I can understand her being torn over waiting for him. But regardless, the bottom line is that it's not fair for her to keep casting you out and reeling you back in. Unintentional or not, that's going to wreak havoc on your heart, as obviously it already has. I'd let her go, simple as that. Speak with her one more time and tell her that you are respecting her wishes to wait for this other man, and that, in the meantime, you'd appreciate no further contact with her unless she's able to finally pursue something with you, as it's causing you some difficulty. That way you still have your pride, and she may realize that now she DOES have to make a choice, be it right or wrong, and can't rely on you as that shoulder to lean on and affection outlet. Keep your dignity and walk away, hard as it might be. All you'll do by keeping in contact is further confuse her and yourself.

[sisterlynch]

Run long and run hard. Don't look around, just run.

 

Isn't the one that you make the eye contact with the one that turns around and hurts you as soon as you are distracted??

 

Run, don't say anything, just run!! You will thank me later!

[sisterlynch]

See that little doggie in Mar's picture, that should be you!!

[mr_ripley]

Thanks a lot guys. I appreciate the input. I think it really is time to let this one go and run like a little doggie.

 

Thanks again

 

-Tom

[Mar]

You're very welcome......and next time? Do a background check first thing....lol KIDDING!