New Start of Relationship

[amystar]

Hi everyone,

 

First of all, I just want to say thanks for all of your support and advice. I have never turned to an online forum for personal advice but I really needed some outside opinions and support in the last couple of weeks.

 

Just to fill you in really quickly for those of you who missed my post about a month ago. My bf of 2 yrs and I took a "break" in our relationship about a month. Out of the blue, he told me that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be with me anymore. We had a good relationship and I was completely floored by all this. However, we had both been under extreme stress from school and work so I figured maybe it would all blow over over the holidays.

 

Well, a few days later, he contacted me and said that he would like to get back together, that he was sorry that he had hurt me, and that he loved me. I love this guy very much so I decided to give him another chance.

 

Everything is going fine but there is a problem. I feel like I am doing all of the work in the relationship now. I am always initiating everything. Because we are both busy and live about 30 miles apart, we have to plan our time together in advance. I am always the one that is making the plans, I am always the one that initiates any kind of affection, and I am always the one that shows any excitement about being back with him.

 

Because our relationship is in the rebuilding stage, I didn't really want to confront him about it. I just didn't make any plans for a few days thinking that he would jump in and ask me what is going on. Nothing happened. So I asked him why he never made any plans and that it seems to me like he doesn't want to spend time with me anymore. He just said that he likes being with me, he loves me, and that he just isn't the kind of person to make any plans.

 

I am really confused. In the past, he did make plans, and was always very affectionate towards me. He was even like that the first week we got back toghether, and now he's changed again. I dont know what to think, I feel like I am doing all of the work. He seems to have a good time when he's with me and he tells me he does love me so I am really confused about the whole situation.

 

Sorry this is so long but I would really like some opinions. This may not be a big deal do most of you, but it really is tearing me up inside. Have any of you experienced this? Why do you think he is acting the way he is? I am thinking as far as just ending the relationship but I really do love him and don't want to mess up our second chance. Thanks.

[SummerDaisey]

It seems to me that your BF is at a crossroad in his life and can't make up his mind between you and someone else. He more than likely took a break from you so that he could see if a relationship would work with someone else... it didn't so he bounced back... but now something has happened that has sparked an outside interest again. My experience with some men is that they look for security in others, especially when they are selfish. From what you describe, he is being selfish which interprets to the fact that he is not giving to YOU the way he should. He can't, he is giving to someone else, even if that someone else is himself. What you need to explore at this point is WHY you seem to love him so much. Why do you love someone who apparently uses you and mistreats you. I am not trying to be mean by saying all of this... your story here is VERY similar to mine so am only advising what I had to do for myself. GOOD LUCK! I hope you find answers and peace.

[cchurting]

Amystar,

 

I'm sorry, but I disagree with SummerDaisey's post.

 

There is no eveidence that he is bouncing between the prospect of another relationship. THat seems to be jumping to rash conclusions.

 

There could be a number of things going on. Maybe you are "hypersensitive" to what is going on. You were rejected, and are still dealing with those feelings.

 

Or, he may be confused about what he wants out of the relationship too. That could be why he is acting distant.

 

My advice? Don't fret the small stuff during this fragile time in your relationship. Just take it for what it is. Be happy that he has a presense in your life still, because would you rather have the alternative??

 

You are just used to the way things were. It will take weeks, if not months, to get that loving affection feeling back. Lighten up (I know, its really hard) a little before what is left of your relationship crumbles.

[amystar]

Thanks for your advice,

 

I really don't think he is seeing somebody else behind my back. I know he loves me and cares about me enough not to do something like that to me.

 

I probably do need to lighten up a little bit and take things for what they are. I think I am being very hypersensitive about our relationship. I take everything he does and think about it in the most negative way possible. I keep thinking that he is just going to turn around and say he has had enough. Maybe he will if I keep acting the way I am but I really can't help it. He sais he wants to be with me but I am not getting that feeling from him at all.

[LittleLion24]

I can relate to your situation greatly. Although the guy that I have been "seeing" and I are not an item (b/f g/f) relationship, he's been acting the same way for quite some time.

 

He's been through a lot of stuff over the years (his ex-wife leaving him, and then a Psycho Ex-g/f) and so I've been really cautious to not get in over my head and rush into anything because I don't want to ruin a good thing.

 

I deeply care about this guy and I have given him his space, have been extremely patient, and haven't put any pressure on him because I know that guys deal with hurt very differently than women. But the honest truth is, he is very confused about him and what he wants. And this is okay.

 

I don't want to post my entire story on here but my guy needs time to figure out him and what he wants WITHOUT me. It's not realistic for me to think that I can help him figure out him and what he wants. So I've pulled completely back from him because all of his uncertainity was causing every one of my insecurities to come out (hypersensitivity, etc.) and that's not right.

 

I don't know what the future holds for him and I because I don't have a crystal ball. But I know this much to be true: If it's meant to be, it'll find a way to work itself out. I absolutely, positively want a genuine, real relationship with him, but I know that is not possible until he figures out what he wants before we proceed any farther. Otherwise, it'll end in diaster and somebody will end up getting really hurt.

 

It sucks because I'm in that "friends zone" but, don't be mistaken, I don't make plans to hang out and that kind of stuff. Every now and then we'll talk online or run into each other but I won't let it go any further until I know for sure he's secure and confident with himself. Otherwise, I'd be allowing him to string me along and nobody deserves to be strung along.

 

In the meantime, I've been trying to go along with my life as usual because I don't want to wait around either. I would like to date other guys but right now I'm just not ready to do that (I have a child so that's a major factor). Anyway, do what's right for YOU. If you have to step back, then do that. It's no fun being on the receiving end of mixed messages.

 

If he truly cares about you and deep down wants to be with you...he'll come back around. Just give him time, space, and don't put any pressure on him. Most importantly don't wait around...go on living the way you were before you met him.

[amystar]

LittleLion24,

 

Thanks for your story. Although it's not a good situation to be in, I'm glad there is somebody else out there going through the same thing.

 

Right now, I'm not really sure what is going to happen to the two of us, but I guess like you said, if it was meant to be it will work itself out somehow. I really want to follow your advice and focus on myself, rather than being so upset all the time about the way things are going. But it is soooo difficult. I actually talked to him about dating other people, and he doesn't want to. He sais that he just wants me although his actions tell me the complete opposite.

 

The new semester just started. I'll be graduating in three months so I should just focus on school and my family and friends right now I think. Do you think that I should just give him his space for the next couple of months and see where things lead? Thanks.

[LittleLion24]

amystar

Yes, it's not a good situation to be in and I'm here for you.

 

This is difficult because I know you want to be there for him so badly and you're probably thinking that if you focus on yourself instead of him that, in a way, you're not being there for him? However, you need to think of this in a different way.

 

By you stepping back and giving him what he needs, you are being there for him because it shows you respect his feelings and needs. I think a lot of people think that "being there" for someone means catering to their every need but I don't think that's what it's all about. "Being there" to me, means repsecting the other person's requests, needs, feelings etc.

 

I wouldn't suggest anymore that he "should" date other people. Actually, my advice, I would definitely not use the word "SHOULD" because you don't know what he needs, only he knows what he needs. You can only "be there" for him and listen and respect his wishes. I'm sure you wouldn't like someone telling you what you "should" or "shouldn't" do, and I'm sure he doesn't want to hear that either.

 

If I were you, I would definitely give him his space and tell him that you respect him and his feelings (of not knowing what he wants anymore etc.). I would also let him know that it is okay that he feels this way because he's only human and everyone, once in awhile, goes through periods like this. I would also let him know what you're going to do: That you're going to step back and focus on you and school etc. This is important because you want to make sure he understands what you're doing so that it doesn't appear as if you're frustrated and angry with him. Things usually go a lot smoother for everyone if everybody is upfront with their feelings. It eliminates any possible misintreperations. If he knows that you respect him and his feelings and that you're okay with giving him space then he will be able to focus on him without feeling as if he's hurting you in the process. I'm sure he doesn't want to do that. Also, if you're open with him and let him know that you're going to focus on you while he's focusing on him then that will signal to him that you're serious about how he feels.

 

I think you need to be the strong one here. You need to be the one to step up so that this relationship can have a future. This may take some time until he figures things out, and you shouldn't "wait around" and that's why I suggest taking this time to focus on YOU. In a couple of months, re-evaluate everything and then make a decision at that time where to go from there. Don't start worry about that now because that is the unknown.

 

You never know things could lead in a direction you never thought of. Being upset about the way things are going is counterproductive. Instead, be proactive. His actions are probably telling you the opposite of what he says because his heart and head are in conflict. Give him some time and space so he can, on his own, find a resolution to these two conflicting parts of him.

[amystar]

Thanks for your advice,

 

I will try my hardest (although it is extrememly hard) to focus on me and let him focus on myself. If things are meant to be between us, then things will work out. If not, then I guess I will find out in a few months. I hope I can do this

 

Thanks.

[amystar]

I mean let him focus on himself