Porn.....WHY?????

[SummerDaisey]

I think that he is probably experimenting or wondering what all the hype is about that he is hearing. He might have someone he associates with that has brought this new interest to mind... someone like a co-worker or something. Probably not a lot to worry about.

[ScreenagerX]

so now to add to all this craziness, last night on the phone with my step mom, she told me that she recently found a whole lot of gay porn in my fathers computer history. She said there was nothing of females. Just men and "shemales". when she confronted him he said he wasn't gay. Its just kinda weird to think that my father is this way, when i never in a million years would have guessed. Does this mean that he really is gay, or bisexual?

 

Could entirely stem from curiosity. Thats the big thing about the internet, you hear of something - you 'google it'. Doesn't necessarily mean thats your thing. And I don't just mean when it comes to porn either. You might have heard about the latest Commodore thats been released, you might be a through-and-through Ford fan but you might still want to see what all the fuss is about, doesn't mean your going to buy one

[Enitsirk]

It could be a sexual addiction and you don't need that. I view porn just like I would adultery. When you are looking at another woman, fantasizing about her in a sexual manner, it's the same as cheating because his sexual energy isn't pointed towards you. I hate porn, it destroyed one of my relationships. The problem isn't you, the problem is him. You can get someone better. It isn't just an innocent fantasy like some men think it is; it truly hurts woman.

[Jeff777]

Let's face it - Men are visual creatures by nature. However - porn and the factors associated with it - can become addictive. BUT - Ladies - it is never aBOUT YOU.

 

I know deep down in your hearts - no woman - really likes her man looking at other women (porn or in real life).

 

SO LADIES - take it from someone who's had his lion share of struggling with porn - keep your eyes out (The Computer) and get educated about it - you just might be able to salvage a relationship and help someone from destroying their lives.

[caro33]

You know what I hate about porn? It's probably not so much the porn. It's the hiding aspect of it, it's the quickly changing channels/moving around/hiding things that can happen when you walk unexpectedly into a room. That really gets my goat. If you're gonna watch it, either be upfront and help me understand it and be involved, or do it so cleverly that ol' Eagle Eyes Caro doesn't catch you.

 

I'm not sure why I feel so betrayed and angry, I even watched the stuff after he left and none of it was even remotely threatening to my relationship.

 

And I'm being impossible, because I have been so tired lately, and wouldn't have been in the mood this morning anyway. But I still hate it.

 

Maybe it's a sense of failure in myself that I also hate - if I was all he needed maybe he wouldn't need to sneak off like he did. The porn would be there for sometime, but for when I am not in the house, which is better for me to handle.

 

It's these complex emotions that just end up with me feeling frazzled, or like a tantrum throwing toddler. Not that I am throwing tantrums but I feel so bloody powerless and irritated, frustrated and misunderstood.

[Caldus]

caro, sorry to hear about that. I can see how some women would be very upset about the porn. Especially if the guy didn't want anything from you that morning and then later you see his porn on the computer. But I mean if that's the case often then yeah I think there's a problem that requires 'the talk'. Otherwise, I really just think it's more of a release for us men in general, especially when the girl is not even home or whatever.

[Rabican]

Then she truly is not enough, if you have to resort to porn.

 

By that rationale, Ill assume that you do not masturbate if you are in a relationship. If you do, then your partner must not be enough for you, must not be satisfying you.

The way I see it is this, porn does not involve another person. Theres nobody else im talking to, nobody im having sex with, its all just fantasy. Actually its not even so much fantasy... as just something to LOOk at.

 

Me watching porn on occasion does not interfere with my sex life with the Mrs To Be. I dont turn her down for sex so that I can watch porn. The only time I watch it is if she isnt around or isnt in the mood and I am. Heck half the time she will say "leave me alone go watch porn" if shes tired and Im in the mood. (she says this jokingly, not coldly by the way)

[Rabican]

If comedy is what you seek, then yes, it's saying your partner is not funny enough for you to keep your full attention on them; instead, you have to resort to watching someone else on TV to make up for that which you feel is lacking in your partner.

 

Dont take this the wrong way, because I do not mean this as a flame, or in a disrespectful way. But if you feel that you should get 100% of your funny, fantasy and who knows what else from your partner then you REALLY need to get out and get a life outside of your partner.

Your reasoning would also suggest that you shouldnt have friends outside of your partner, because they are replacing something that is lacking in your partner. Absurd. With all due respect.

[Rabican]

so now to add to all this craziness, last night on the phone with my step mom, she told me that she recently found a whole lot of gay porn in my fathers computer history. She said there was nothing of females. Just men and "shemales". when she confronted him he said he wasn't gay. Its just kinda weird to think that my father is this way, when i never in a million years would have guessed. Does this mean that he really is gay, or bisexual?

 

It means hes either gay, or has gay fantasies... which is pretty much gay. Either that... or its just some sort of strange.... morbid curiosity. I guess like watching some really gory scene in a movie even though it makes you cringe. But most straight guys would pretty much run from the gay shemale porn like it were the plague.

[Lboogie23]

rabican, thanks thats what i thought.

[lachi]

My x and i broke up in Dec after a 6yr relationship and last night when i got home i saw all these porn sites in his history... i was not home the whole day and we are not physically involved anymore but sometimes in bed he rubs his legs on mine...

 

I don't know why guys need porn really but even when we were together and i wasn't home he would use the porn... some people like Dr.Phil believe that it is cheating... i don't know...

[candy604]

porn is not healthy, just search up some dr.phil articles and show your fiance. ( it's on his website)

[Melissa Renee]

hey

my ex and I broke up and i no longer believe a lot of what he told me, but there is one thing. I felt like porn was cheating, and i told Jared this, we came to the conclusion that he would not watch it and that if he absolutly had to he could take pic or video of us (he only ever took a few pics). I felt a little uncomfortable about the pics and the possibility of a video, but it kept him from looking at porn. and he still got to look at something if he needed something when I wasnt around. just talk to him tell him how you feel. jared and my relationship ended after 4 years because things bothered us and we didnt talk about it, and didnt try to compromise with each other. and dont jump to conclusions that he is watching it behind you back, not all men are jerks.

[Lboogie23]

i know for a fact that he looks at it behind my back, because its always on the tab bar when i come home from being gone. Also, we have our own fun, we take pictures and make our own videos. While thats fun and everything, i;m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse about the porn thing. I'm really trying to be accepting of it because i know he will never stop. We have had that conversation before, and it doesn't seem to matter.

[lachi]

link removed

 

DR PHIL ON PORN

[caro33]

I usually think Dr Phil is pretty much right on, but on this issue I think his perspective is extreme. I think it's a little absolute for many relationships.

 

I'm not sure what to say here, I don't know what is self-delusion or compromise and what is insecure double standard on my behalf. I also share Dr Phil's perspective on the girl taking a wrong turn and it being pretty awful to witness that.

 

But I watched the stuff myself after he left for sports training. My responses to it had nothing whatsoever to do with my partner. They had nothing whatsoever to do with fantasy either I might add; we are talking the reptilian part of my brain just responding and doing its thing. I did not cheat in any way. I did not choose watching it over my partner. If what he is experiencing is exactly what I experienced I just can't see what he's doing as so wrong, or as cheating.

 

As said before, what I hate is the distance and the mistrust that the lying represents. The notion of them buying in to it being something wrong somehow makes it something wrong. If there was honesty about it perhaps I would feel differently. Who knows though, I actually created this monster for myself to some degree because I freaked out about the issue early in the relationship.

 

I have to say, the stuff I saw only made me feel better about myself, not worse. There was no airbrushing, it was all out there. And I thought, "well gee, if these ladies are in this industry and it's meant to be about looks" - for the sake of convenience let's also ignore the range of other arguments that might be made to refute this - "...then I am not so bad after all".

 

To be honest, I want to think of myself as open-minded and I want to be able to believe it's not an issue. I want to be able to look at it myself, but I want him to never want to. Fair, huh.

[lostinwilderness]

I definitely feel that porn can just be a release. Lets face it men are horny. Normally in a healthy relationship those needs can be met. However, sometimes even in a healthy relationship I think we just like to have a release on our own. Studies have show that men react to visual stimulation and sometimes it can be just that.

 

Of course the fact that someone is looking for that release regularly could be a sign of a problem in the relationship too.

 

Now is it still cheating? I do not know. I know that if you said you went with a prostitute for just a release I would call you a cheater hands down. So where is the line? It might be different for every couple. For every guy looking at porn you'd best know exactly how your partner will react BEFORE you get caught.

[shellbell]

I recently caught my boyfriend touching himself while watching porn. I didnt just walk into a room and catch him off guard or anything, I was asleep on the couch right behind him and woke up to it. I freaked. Ive always known he looked at porn b/c a couple of times Ive found links in our history to pictures of naked girls. I think thats what bothers me most is that its JUST other girls. I could understand you know couple sex b/c then at least hes like an outsider looking in. Thats totally hot. But its just other women, and you cant tell me hes not fantasizing about touching them and penetrating them so naturally yeah that bothers me. Why the hell wouldnt it! Were supposed to be exclusive.

I just dont buy into those excuses that "its natural", "hes just looking", "it doesnt mean anything", "all guys do it". Not all guys do it and even if they did that doesnt make it ok. And I love how girls are so submissive and force themselves to accept something that makes them feel horrible. Why should anyone have to accept a slap in the face? It killed me to see him fully erect from the sight of another girl and he didnt even care enough about my feelings to go somewhere else and do it! I cant even tell you how much that hurt. I told him flat out that i wouldnt just get over it. I want a guy who doesnt make me feel inferior because I could easily find someone else and someone i can be completely happy with. I told him I deserve to be completely happy, if not with him, with someone else.

[Lboogie23]

shellbell, i feel your pain. I know how hard it is to deal with the feelings of insecurity and even feelings of betrayal. I too get sick of all the excuses people make for men. But i guess what you have to ask yourself, just like i asked myself is, is this big enough for me to leave him over it. As much as this bothers me, my fiance and i just had our second child last august. We have been together for some time now and have really built an amazing life together. Other than this issue, i feel happy about us and our relationship. And i have come to the conclusion that for me, its not worth leaving him over.

[lostinwilderness]

I think thats what bothers me most is that its JUST other girls. I could understand you know couple sex b/c then at least hes like an outsider looking in. Thats totally hot.

 

I think it is interesting that you think some type of pornography is totally hot and cannot understand how a different type, might be totally hot to him. I think that one of the reasons that pornography seems to cause so much conflict is that everyone uses and sees it differently. I have noticed that most everyone has projected what using porn would mean to them onto their partner's usage.

 

Since you may only use (or concive of using) porn in one way you cannot even entertain the notion that it may mean something very different to your boyfriend. I am not trying to 'make excusses' for men. However, I think if you had a situation where he could openly tell you his feelings and you could at least suspend judgement long enough to fully listen that you might be surprised by what you hear.