BF of 17 years is depressed and wants to move out

[LittleCrispyOne]

My BF of 17 years and I are on the verge of a break up. Our relationship has been struggling for the past 3 years since we bought a house together and marriage/kids became a possible reality. We have always had different sex drives - I was always much less sexual than him.. but now it is just the opposite, he does not want sex at all and I want it all the time. I feel like a butterfly coming out of the cacoon - I feel extremely sexual, open to try anything and think about sex all the time. About 6 mos ago he stopped initiating sex with me. I tried to give him some space because he has been depressed (moody, sleeps all the time, drinks more) and his job is very stressful, but could not stand the lack of physical intimacy and told him I needed to talk about what was happening. He said that he feels lost, life has no direction, empty, does not know who he is and is not sexually attracted to me anymore. He said he still loves me very deeply, but does not fantasize about me anymore and feels nothing when he tries to think of me in a sexual way. I am extremely concerned about his mental health and have urged him to go for help - he has refused, saying it is something wrong with him that he has to work out. He told me he has thought of moving out. I am at a loss as to what to do. Nothing I do or say is the right thing and I can't seem to make things better between us while he is refusing to seek help. I love this man more than life itself and just can't picture my life without him. Is there anything that I can do to help my man and save our relationship?

[Micksbabyboo]

Im sorry to hear that and i dont really have much to say cause it seems to me like it's a very complicated situation the only thing that comes to mind is as hard as it is keep giving him his owns space to think he might come around.Good luck

Love.

Dc

[Joci]

first id like to say that im sorry this has happened to you. its really crappy that you are going through this. Your boyfriend has a real problem. Feelings of depression do not warrent drinking and such materialistic escapes. Everything you said and describe is a classic case of what seems to be a mid life crisis sort of depression. even if it isnt quite his mid point, depression none the less and a bad case. i myself have depression. this sickness, which is is not, not just some mind over matter bullshit, can cause a person to resort to alcoholism, break off good relationships, be moody, seclusive, etc.... there are several forms of depression as well, clinical, mild to severe, episodal, manic, and more. which one your boyfriend has is for a doctor to decide. which brings us to a more important juncture. his decision to get help. this can only be his own. you cant make him get help. but make him realize he has a problem and you should help him find information on depression and help him when he asks for it. but you cant force it on him, but you can be there for him. and also, you should have never been with him this long and expect commitment out of it. at a certains point a while ago you should have said that you wanted to get married. 17 years of dating is a way of saying that the people are comfortable with the situation but are too scared to commit. but again its both of you that allowed that to happen. basically im not going to say whether or not you should break up with him. because tht is your decision, and how much you are willing to go through and sacrifice for him, and how much you expect back. either way, for a heathy realtionship, he needs help for himself, and you might benefit to be at some counseling with him, so you can understand this diesease, hope this helps.

[LittleCrispyOne]

My BF did move out in September. I was devastated for months. I blamed myself for the failure. I spent most of my time feeling broken, my battered emotions and sadness overwhelmed my days and nights. The pain I felt was full body and soul. My feelings of self-worth hit rock bottom because at that time I thought that my worth was tied to him.

Fast Forward to Thanksgiving... I had finally come to the conclusion that I was on my own and wrote down in my journal what I wanted from my life and the type of relationship I wanted when I met someone. (In my journal, I can express all the things that I otherwise can not and it is extremely therapeutic to re-read where I was and how strong that I have now become.) I stopped equating the death of our relationship as a failure and forgave my ex-BF. I am a positive person and all the negativity was weighing heavily on me. I immediately felt that a burden had been lifted from me. Part of my realization was that I needed to express my love for myself, my family and friends without reservation and hesitation. I feel alive again and have reconnected with many people and relationships that had been neglected because of my preoccupation with my relationship with my ex.

One week later, I began dating again. I have met a couple of wonderful men with whom I am having a lot of light-hearted fun. I had forgotten the simple joys of holding hands and laughing together.

I am taking things one day at a time and enjoying the moments I have to myself, with family, with friends and in exploring new relationships.

I thanked my ex for being honest to his feelings and really forcing me to reclaim who I am. I am truly happy and at peace for the first time in many years. I realize that I still have a lot of soul searching and healing to do, but it is comforting to know that no matter what comes - I am and will be OK - I AM strong and resilient.

[avman]

Congratulations on your journey. Although I'm sure it was very painful for you, it seems obvious to me that you have emerged a stronger, more confident person.

 

I wish you all the best of luck in the future. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve.