I feel trapped

[Axel3sRoxas]

I'm a 20 year old, young woman; the world should be my oyster but instead I feel it's my cage. I feel that nothing can get worse and that my life is already over. I've always been depressed, stemming from school, I thought it would go away once I left, and I could get on with life without this dark cloud hovering over me, but alas. Left sixth form when I was 17, too stupid to take A-levels. So okay, I thought, lets go to college, too stressful. Tried work, again, too stressful.. I used to stay off alot.

I worked in a childrens clothes shop up until a few months ago, where I couldn't cope with part time work, don't know why, had to do with this crazy guy coming over from australia (its all in cyber relationships, under a thread called 'crazy IM friend') Last few months starting staying off alot, ending up in a spoken warning from the nasty manageress. Had my job for 7 months, longest job I've ever held out. The people were horrible, but whatever job I'm at, I don't get along with the people. Attendance has always been a problem, too, ever since Nursery school (can you believe that? Nursery!!) I seem to have grown up like it, not being able to shake my bad attendance records, been getting warnings my whole life...

Every way I turn is a dead end. I don't have any friends, but I do have a fantastic boyfriend (of 3 years) whose always upbeat. I'm the exact opposite though, my mood swings are terrible, one minute I'm crying, the next laughing, then crying again. He knows how I feel but doesn't understand why I'm depressed and neither do I. I hate it.

I need a nap three hours after I wake up, I'm constantly tired and run down. All I do is see my boyfriend, sleep, do occasional household chores and play with my rabbits. I stay on the computer most of the day, writing, reading fanfiction and playing games. I'm like this huge child, my mum washes, cooks, cleans for me, she always has mollycoddled me, my brother being the smart independent graduate.

I hate the way I've become, I hate my way of life, yet whenever I try to change it all comes crashing down. I used to self harm when I was 16, for a year, and I don't want to find myself slipping into this frame of mind again. I'm also finding myself less interested in food and don't want to lose loads of weight like I did last time. I looked like a walking skeleton. But what can I do?

I have no one to talk to and I find myself longing for another girl I can do things with (although I love being with my boyfriend, I need a girl sometimes, y'know?)

I don't socialise much, because I hate going to pubs and clubs and the like. I feel really abnormal. I'm petrified of going out there and getting a job, because I don't make friends easily, I know that I give off bad impressions on first meetings because people have told me so. I don't mean to, I just don't smile all that much nowadays. I need someone to kickstart me into getting out of this sad way of life. I don't want to go back to college or goto uni, I'm not confident enough. My self confidence is so low it's almost non existent. I'm on seroxat,40mg, anti depressants, the highest dose. They don't work, I think it's them that're making me moody and tired. Whenever I go to see the doctors I always have this feeling that they think I'm making everything up because of their body language, the way they look at me, etc.

I'm so unbelievably fragile right now.. I know it's been a long post, but to get this all off my chest is something I had to do, so thanks for reading this, if anyone does.

[Jeffrey2095]

It sounds as though your depression is somewhat manic with your mood swings. I am a little like that myself.

 

Some of my friends, (I can count them on one hand) don't feel that depression is a real disease, but you can see how it can effect every aspect of your life.

 

It is good that you have a mate who is supportive and up-beat. Why do you think that is? He must see something very nice in you inspite of the problems you are having, (and I mean this respectfully, maybe making for yourself to an extent.)

 

What kind of job do you see yourself succeeding at? It seems that it is a big part of your anxiety, and "career" can be a huge factor in the way a person sees themselves.

 

Maybe you are like me, and might prefer a career at home where you can set your own pace, and work when you feel you are at your best.

 

Try looking on the internet. Almost 30% of the work force in America work from home, a statistic that really surprised me.

 

One thing though, avoid companies that want to charge you a fee for finding home-based work. In fact... if they ask for money, they are probably crooks.

 

Anti-depressants are a funny animal and your doctor should work first to find an effective one. (70% of people on them feel they don't work, so you are not alone there.)

 

Or here at ENA

 

Good luck