should we tell him

[sarahplainandtall]

My brother and his wife have been married for almost 11 years and have two boys 7 and 3. My brother recently separated from the military after 2 tours in Iraq. He was releades with a medical discharge due to PTSD from the war. They moved back to our hometown in august. He has a severe drinking problem associated with the PTSD and has been in and out of rehab for it. For a while he was extremely violent when he drank. He had been sober for about 2 months when his wife started to give him the cold shoulder. She is form the other side of the country and only knows my family here. She always wanted to go out to the bar and the only guy my brother would trust around her is his best friend. I confronted her and my brothers best friend back at the beginning of october about them having an affair, they denied it. Everyone around them could see what was going on, but my brother is completely blind.

 

Four days before christmas, I was out with her, my sisters fiancee' and his cousin who is my brothers best friend. They decided to tell us that they indeed are having an affair and it has been going on since the beginning of October. They said they felt the need to tell someone about it because they are in love.

 

My brother, his wife and my sister and her fiancee' all live in the same house with their four kids. So naturally the rest of our family went to their house for Christmas. This was very akward as I do have two other brothers that were there with my parents. I didn't want to telll them what was going on because I wanted the kids and my brother to have one last nice Christmas together. My brothers wife spent the entire day in bed and did not get up until about an hour before my brothers best friend came over with his daughter to stay the night. I am not very nosey, but she had left her phone on the counter while she was in the shower so I looked through it and there was a number of calls from her to Nick and vice versa. At this point I had had enough. I took aside my sister's fiancee' and let him know that I was going to tell my sister what was going on. He was very nervous as was i because my sister says it how it is and because of the fact that we had known for a few days and kept it from her.

 

I took her for a ride and told her what was up and continued to drive around until she cooled off enough to be around people. I dropped her off and went home.

 

Long story short half hour later my phone started ringing off the hook, thought my sister has said something but instead my sister in law randomly told my brother that she didn't want to be with him anymore and if he was a better husband to her she wouldn't have to leave him.

 

She left him a few days ago and is staying at my house at the request of my brother. He is not stable enough to handle the separation. He continuously blames himself although she left him and their kids says she is staying at my house but infact doesn't get there until 6 am because she has been with her boyfriend at a hotel.

 

I want him to know that he is to blame to a point but she is haing an affair with his best friend. I don't like to see him like this but I don't know what he would do if he knew about his wife and his best friend. Everyone else knows but doesn't know what to do. Any insight would be helpful.

[robowarrior]

Basically there are a number of factors that lead to this.

 

Out of sight is out of heart, him leaving to iraq has melted away the amount of intimacy that is required in a relationship, naturally she has tried to seek this intimacy somewhere else, and guys being available its not so strange the other guy took his place.

 

Him going to iraq, getting post traumatic stress disorder, has resulted him into trying to drink his problems away.

 

(conclusively these above factors are what is making the relationship crumble) he is unstable,she is having an affair. And the kids + family are the victims.

 

He needs a psychiater (who needs to be told that he has PTSD as a result of the war) He needs to go into a support group and follow the 10 step program.

 

As far as the relationship goes, its finished and over.

 

Since (dad) is unable to support the kids due to his drunkeness, the kids will automatically be submitted to the mother. Who is more suitable along with her new partner to provide a decent future.

 

Going from the fact that its a 'normal proportioned house' 8people is FAR to much, 4 people for 1 household is maximum in terms of retaining your sanity.

 

I think your brother and your sister should move to another house, OR his fiancee and her new love along with the kids move to another house. I think the situation will be escalating if people who are having affairs with eachother keep on living in the same house. =\

 

I really wonder if blaming him is going to solve anything, he needs to aknowledge that he has a problem and needs treatment, and needs to WANT to get out of the mess. Just say to him that he can't keep living on like a pig , not that he is a pig, he just shouldn't follow that kind of lifestyle. Tell him that drinking is only a problem suppressor and not a problem solver.

 

You really have to constantly manouvre him and convince him to get treatment, chaos has to make place for order, and the future of everyone needs to be secured.

 

Basically you need to goto the root of the problem. Which is the drinking, and her having an affair. Basically i see it like this, sure its very wrong for her to have an affair. Both aren't doing the right thing, we know that. But in the overal picture its better if she leaves an alcohol addict, and that's why i want you to just let her and her fiancee go and form a household. You don't have to be happy with what she did, but you can try to bless her new future,even tho it was far from an ideal situation. Second support your brother thru his misery. Hang in there even if its hard. You can't replace professional medical help or treatment, but you can try to pull him back together, and constantly movitate him to get rid of his alcohol problem.

 

I've read something about (not verified i should say) flax oil link removed

 

which sounds promising.

 

link removed

 

There are many ways to go about seeking recovery, here are a few links to several fellowships dealing with different addictions. Each link is to the fellowship's self-test to indicate whether you may have a problem.

 

The fellowship websites and their self-tests:

 

1) Alcoholics Anonymous (Is AA for you?)

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2) Narcotics Anonymous (Am I an addict?)

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3) Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (40 questions for self-diagnosis)

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4) Overeaters Anonymous (Is OA for you?)

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All of these self-tests are good, but sometimes addicts find it difficult to be honest with themselves. The best way to find out if you suffer from addiction is to go to a 12-step meeting and see if you relate to what others share about at the meeting.

 

How to find meetings:

 

5) AA - AA is listed in the phonebook, you can give them a call and ask where the nearest meeting is. It may also be effective to google "Alcoholics Anonymous in (City in which you live, State in which you live)"

 

6) NA - link removed

 

7) SLAA - link removed

 

8) OA - link removed

 

If You Have Loved Ones Who Suffer From Addiction:

 

Generally there's nothing you can do to "make them get clean," they must have the desire on their own. Enabling them does not help either, you can learn much more about this by going to an Al-Anon meetings or a Nar-Anon meetings and talking with others who have loved ones dealing with addiction/alcoholism.

 

9) Al-Anon & Alateen - link removed

 

10) Do a google search for Nar-Anon (in your state or country)

There are different groups for each area, but I do not think they are unified

[sarahplainandtall]

She has the same alcohol probem as he does. Her boyfriend is hooked on coke and just got out of jail after serving time for abdw with intent. Neither one of them are fit parents. What my question is, should my brother know that his wife is having an affair with his best friend?

[Rabican]

Yes he should know. If for no other reason that to protect himself. If they are still intimate at all, he should know that his health may be in jeopardy.

 

He should know for a whole host of other reasons, but that one is important beyond a moral, legal, ethical standard.