Confused...

[annalise23]

Hi

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. Recently we have argued a lot!

This last weekend was a huge mess, had huge rows where he said nasty things to me that had no relevance to the argument and basically he was just picking fights.

 

Since then we met up and basically he told he he thinks he has been treating me like an * * * hole and that if he heard his mate had been the way he has, he would call him an * * * hole.

He says he wants me to happy and that he has issues. He isnt sure he can change as he has said twice now he will stop it. The thing is he got really upset (and he NEVER shows his emotions, he acts all macho)

 

Then he says he thinks he is making the wrong choice and that he loves me!

 

This has been eating away at me now since saturday

 

Im confused. Why would someone say they think you deserve better than them, and not even fight for you if they love you?

 

 

He also mentioned that after his ex girlfriend he isnt sure why he should bother (they split about 2 months before i got with him)

now i also think he has some unresolved feelings there.

when i said this he said trust me its not about her. i wont bother you anymore'

 

 

 

 

arghhhh!! This really hurts and i really want it not too. I think not knowing if im coming or going isnt helping

[honeyspur]

People with low-self esteems will absolutely think you deserve better than them and not fight for you, even if they honestly love you.

The place your bf is in right now, is a painful place. His thought pattern seems to always lead to negativity - and with negativity, the only way is down.

This is very hard to work with if you are more of an optimistic person. And with optimism, the only way is up.

You cannot make someone a positive thinker. You can only remain one yourself and not let him drag you down or make you believe in his negatitivity.

You can encourage him by reassuring him, but ultimately, you must be prepared to let him go or let him leave you, since trying to be a different person for his sake, will only end in heartbreak and frustration.

 

Do not be afraid to be clear that you aren't going to this dark and gloomy place with him. That he has a choice to join you in trusting, loving and commitment. You can say this without anxiety or frustration, just say it calmly and assuredly - with softness and care. Acknowledge him by saying how much pain you know he is in because of his past.

 

These things will sink in with him because he has an awareness of his problem. It may be what he has been waiting to hear from you.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do and some changes to make. You must keep your optimism despite his negativity. Stand in your strength and realize it can lift him up as long as you stay consistent.

[annalise23]

Thank you for your reply. I have to say it has made me feel better, had a tough day. Im taking it quite hard.

I did email him, just to see where we are at as one minute he is turning me away, the next he is texting me saying he loves me and he just wants to do what is best by me.

 

Not knowing is really messing with my head, I know email was probably the wrong way to go about it, but im so confused and upset. If i knew where i stood then i could probably attempt to move on, but not knowing is worse.

 

thanks again!

[annalise23]

Ok

 

Last night we ended up texting and well at least i got a few answers.

after i emailed him, i never got a reply. Then late last night he text me 'sweet dreams'. i was a bit surprised and wasnt sure if he was being sarcastic. i sent back sweet dreams? he said just wishing you good night sorry for bothering

 

so i said thanks, but i didnt expect it as he never replied to my email. he said he didnt think he needed too,

in my email i told him lots of positive things about himself, and also said i was confused with what we were doing. should i move on or are we going to work on it?

 

he text back saying all he remembers from my email is me saying should i move on

 

i text back saying ' i just want to know what to do, how to deal with this. move on or not. did you not read the nice stuff i sent?'

 

he said yes, i will get to the point. i love you more than anything. i do want to be with you! i dont think i can make you happy. i should never have treated you that way.so i think its better if i walk away. IM SORRY!!

 

i said thank you for clearing it up.i wanted to know how you felt for sure. i wanted to offer you a loving, committed relationship, i know the past has been hard and i wanted to support you and be there for you, bring you into my world of love and happinness.you dont have to apologize. i was happy with you but unfortunately i cant change your feelings on what you should do. you have to stop being negative, and only you can do that'

 

he text back 'ok see ya'

 

 

i have barely slept. at the time of texting i was ok. now i feel sick and cant sleep. I have never took something so hard before.

 

im not sure what i shouldve done. part of me thinks he is testing me, wanting me to say its ok we can work it out. other part of me thinks he just wants a way out. he already said he would just get to the point if that was the case!

 

 

 

arghhhhhhhhh

 

 

why is it we only remember the good things in times like this?!

sorry for my rant but im tired and upset.

[honeyspur]

It's ok. You are just reacting because you came right to the point and made things clear - unlike him, who makes things vague.

 

My bf, who also suffered depression for many years, was the same way.

I once asked him why he was like this - giving wishy-washy answers, not talking about the future EVER, etc.

He told me it was because he chose to. He did not want to think of the future and he really wasn't sure.

In other words he wasn't ready.

 

I really did not want to be dedicating myself to someone who wasn't ready, when I was. Why would I want that?

I would always love him - this wasn't about love.

This was about choices.

 

Thats what is happening here. You have made a choice and your heart is hurting. Just like a bad scrape or a bad headache - it will pass.

We remember the good times as an automatic response because we feel an almost physical pain from the separation. It's chemicals in the brain going off as an attempt to give us some kind of pleasure.

 

Take time to think about the facts - which are much simpler than emotions.

The fact is he is unsure - you have that in print. The fact is you are ready - you also have that in print as well.

To move on is the best choice here - for both of you.

 

I am sorry it is painful, but release yourself from these chains annalise - it is time.

[annalise23]

I just dont understand how he can say, i love you more than anything, i do want to be with you' but 'i think i should walk away'

 

Him saying he feels that way about me, but is willing to walk away is hurting me. Is he just saying that to be nice, he thinks its what i want to hear? I would rather have him say i just dont love you.

 

thanks for your reply, i think i just need to get up and do somethingpositive today and not wallow.

i just cant help but think in a few days what if he gets in touch to work it out or something?

[honeyspur]

I think it is very possible he can love you and still say "leave" because that is what people with low-self esteems think. They love people, but they are not worthy or capable. It seems bizarre because you are not like that.

Go out today and get some distraction going on - you are right - it would be good for you now.

[annalise23]

So if you think he has low self esteem and could feel that he loves me, do you think i should just walk away like he is saying. Or put up more of a fight?

[honeyspur]

Well I really think you should decide what you want.

If you feel you can withstand not recieving the love, care and consideration you need to feel secure and needed, to feel calm and not frustrated, then yes, you should try and fight for it. But only then. It requires deep honesty with yourself.

 

 

I'm not sure what your idea of "fighting for it" is, but if you are pushy or insistent he might run - think long and hard about that. This is a relationship where you will have to go without, possibly for months, as he moves through this phase of his life. If you can withstand the lonilness and lack of attention - then yes - try again.

 

If the relationship has felt more one sided, you should let it go. It's more satisfying and loving to give to yourself instead of searching for it.

Do you feel it is not enough to give to yourself?

 

If I were you, I would think more about moving on and the reasons why that is unappealing to you. You may have a belief about being single that is untrue.

Your idea about getting out and forcing yourself to do other things is the best remedy in this case. Somewhere inside you knows this, but is apprehensive about the change.

 

You are quite intelligent - remarkably so - I would have faith in that and allow your smarts to take over your emotions now. Emotions are fairly primitive and basic. You are an evolved being who does not need to be spun in circles by that. Choose your way out of lonliness and pain.

[annalise23]

Thank you honeyspur

You hit the nail on the head with apprehensive about change. I live in the US now after moving from the uk. within the first month i met my boyfriend. I dont know a single person but him here (and his friends). I am an independent person, i went travelling round the world alone and know i dont need to rely on someone. But if i am totally honest with myself, i think half my upset it because i feel alone again. I have my family and know i need to get out and make some friends.

 

what i want is to be happy with him, but i dont think thats possible. he has made it clear he wants to be with me but needs to walk away, and if i was to fight for us, and we got back together, it would all be on his terms, i would have to accept the way he is.

 

i cant tell you how much your words have helped. Thank you it has been much aappreciated.

[honeyspur]

I am so glad annalise - I really feel someone with as much maturity and intelligence as yourself can do without "scraps" of love. You also seem very fun and interesting, so try doing things that put you in a crowd.

I think you have an ability to make new friends.

Be sure to post when you feel lonely or your will slipping.

You know what to do.

[annalise23]

Ok he text me today saying

i know i shouldnt be saying this but i miss you'

 

im doing the right thing not replying to that? I was a mess this morning, but im doing better as the day got on. Im worried im going to keep hearing off him. I believe in no contact if a relationship ended.

[honeyspur]

See the thing is....you don't want to reply because "I miss you" is not enough right now. You need clear, consise statements - "I Love you so much I think we need to get together and work out a plan" "I want to hear what you need in this relationship so we can start being serious again"

Not "I miss you" - well, um, YEAH, obviously he misses you, you're not doing this goofy song and dance anymore. You are standing up for yourself.

This is a crucial time that's going to give you all the answers you need.

As you remain NC, you will see, I predict in the course of two weeks, two things:

1: The statement and commitment you need

2: A few "I miss you's" and maybe an "I love you" but that's it - then nothing.

 

It's up to you to see which one it is. If you contact him now, the same tug-of-war will go on.

I know it is hard - but if you can't take it and contact him - well......you'll see for yourself. It's all up to you to decide....

 

I was hoping to hear about you going out last night... ...you know to try and get some distraction goin' on?

[annalise23]

Thanks, I have not contacted him, as I really don't know what to say to his 'i miss you'

Im thinking he is unsure what he is doing, and fear of me moving on will make him contact me, leave me little 'i love you and miss you' messages but no real consise statements. Time will tell.

 

Its hard, i am doing better, I did go out last night and had a really good time! I went to this dance class and had a laugh, then went out with a friend for a few drinks and girlie chat. Did me the world of good!

Just keeping busy now...

 

Thanks for your input, and I will keep you updated if he gets in touch!

[annalise23]

Hi again

well, here goes. He got in touch with me, basically called me, i answered. He got to say how he felt and i listened. When it was my turn, he interrupted me and finally lost it, hung up and sent nasty emails.

I was doing so well. I even thought it was the right thing. Now it hurts bad but i guess tomorrow i hope i will be mad at him for getting in touch just to not respect anything i say.

He sent me an email saying 'i promise' and loads of nice things added to it. Then at the bottom he said 'NOW F*** IT IM DONE'

I replied saying you broke your promise.

 

I guess that was the final straw

[annalise23]

Wait, now im getting more nasty emails. Should i respond? They are making me so angry. He is being so hurtful. I actually cant believe 5 mins ago he was saying i was the love of his life! Now 'he hates my guts'

[honeyspur]

annalise.....

....

I think you know you shouldn't answer. If you do, that says you enjoy the conflict to some degree - you need to show him otherwise.....