please help - cant understand messages from ex

[blender]

It's going to be tough for you to "see" right now just how insignificant this guy is to your life, happiness, and future. And by the way it's okay to be feeling sorry for yourself, and to feel hurt, confused, sad.. these are all the emotions that are a sign of how deeply YOU can feel, and that you can start just one day at a time, to take care of YOU, cry, cry, cry, vent on this site, go out for a walk, and say out loud to yourself: "I feel ovewhelmed emotionally and I'm going to feel sad for a bit, but I know I will be okay, even better."

 

Take your power back, it's for you, not for him, he's just some guy, who YOU have attached a lot hopes dreams and ideas to.. but those are YOUR hopes, dreams, and ideas, and you can now take them with you, for YOU. Breathe, it will be okay, just feel your feelings, and try not to "re-act" to them, and know that this guy is just an emotional "bridge" put in your life so you may cross it to a stronger, more confident, wise, empowered YOU.

[needingadvice]

thank u so much for your support Blender. i had such a tough morning today (i do always find the mornings worse. in the evenings i take some comfort in the fact that I'll soon be able to sleep and forget for a few hours - im not dreaming about him at the moment thankfully). i just felt to be totally truthful like i wanted to die. then i had an email from him saying he wanted me to know that it hurt him too and he wanted me to stop hurting. i did wrong and reacted - i know that was giving him what he wanted. but in a way im glad i did as its taught me now i hope that i have to do NC. i think i reacted as i got angry at him. i replied via email asking him why he continued to send confusing messages if he was happy with someone else. i told him id given him the option to try again and he didnt give a straight answer but didnt want to take that option. i told him his subsequent conusion was upsetting me. he responded with "I'll always have feelings and think of u but probably i should have just been straight with you." i said i didnt need him to say these things to ease his guilt or because he felt sorry for me in some way, he said "i've just told u my feelings its nothing to do with feeling sorry for u at all, please leave it now" i said i had every intention of leaving it and goodbye, he didnt respond. after i thought "where is this getting me?". i tell him how angry i feel it doesnt seem to bother him, i tell him how much he's hurt me and he jus sends more confusion. he had a chance to sort it but didnt take it - all the while seeing somebody else too. i thought finally, ive got to help myself. then i logged on here and saw SuperDave's No Contact challenge and thought it's time now i do this - and not just for a few weeks to make him miss me - but forever, to allow me to heal and meet somebody worthy of my love. tonight i went for a meal with family. it was a place i used to go to with my ex but i tried to pass by the memories. i find it easier in company than alone - if im alone my mind is consumed by him and thats when i take a dip x

[hope2007]

Reading everyones replys to you, I totally understand, I'm on day 7. Just ended a 7 year relationship with a younger man. Still hard, I cry, my heart aches, I just don't know how to move forward. I know when he needs a boost he will call or email me, I fear this so much. Cause in the pass I have given in. I know in my head i deserve much better, man my heart though, is so broken. I just needed to talk, I can't stop crying, and reading what people are saying, is going to help. One day at a time, that is all i can do, and just try to not think so much about him.

[needingadvice]

hi hope2007. sorry to hear your feeling so bad at the moment. i think everyone on here totally understands and it's amazing how many people are in/have been thru the same situation. i think the advice i have been reading on his is excellent, and i do believe now the only way i'll get through this is by Not Contacting him. Have you been split 7 days or not in contact for 7 days? i am so up & down so appreciate fully what your saying. sometimes i think there is no way im giving him 1 more second of my life as to be honest he's already had more chances than anyone should. at other times i miss him incredibly and want to reach out - i think i'll just tell him this or if i say that maybe he'll miss me..he's just confusing me so much. what is your story hope2007, if you want to share it of course..x

[blender]

Dear Needing advice, it's normal for you to think he's sending "confusing" thoughts, but his actions, behaviors, and choices are VERY CLEAR. There is nothing confusing as to where he stands on all this. Sometimes we use "confusion" as a way to hang on.. even to our sadness.. he's no longer being "confusing".. he's just a coward, and now he's been forced to actually let you know where he stands.. so good riddens to him.. YOUR STILL YOU.

 

So now it's time to take back your power, and all the "hopes, dreams and "could be" you attached to HIM, after all those are YOURS so re-attach your same "hopes, dreams and coud be's" to yourself, to YOUR future, to who YOU are.

 

As far as no contact goes, yes it's a must if you are to heal.. and only try to go about it "one day at a time". Just for today, you are no longer going to contact him. Going to that dry well for water over and over again will always leave you "more thirsty". Learn from this, do NOT go to it again.. it only drains you, and try to separate your "feelings" from the "facts".

 

If you continue to have contact of any kind, you will just be setting yourself up for more "feelings" of "reading between the lines" of anything he says.. that is YOUR mind/heart doing that, So instead remember the FACTS, and re-act to those instead, the FACT is he is no longer worthy of your energy, the fact is he is not respectfully intentionally making any effort to make YOU are priority in his life, or to work on this as a couple, so you can take "any confusion as to where he stands" right out of the FACTS..

 

You know where he stands, and now it's time to know where YOU stand, and hopefully you stand for YOURSELF, and the fact that you will no longer make a choice to engage in any contact with a guy who is NOT willing to work on this as a couple, who is NOT making an intentional effort to be the man in YOUR life. NO more, he gets NO more of your precious energy or your "contact". Do NOT feel the desperate emotional urge to explain anything to him, no more contact, one day at a time....

 

He does NOT hold the key to your "happiness, validation, worthiness".. that is YOUR key, YOU are the holder of it, take it back, breathe, and now that this "heartache" is an opportunity for you to be reminded of how strong you can choose to be, how much courage, self respect, and willpower you have to NOT contact him again..

 

each day of no contact will lead to your self empowerment, , your self growth, your heart healing, and re-gaining some perspective on the fact, that he's just a guy, some guy who is no longer worthy of your energy... let him go.. he's NOT there anyway..

 

The good news is, you are turning the corner on "accpetance".. the real pain is prolonged when we are in "resistance" and we keep up contact, and cling to this person like a life raft..ugh.. it's so painful, but "in life heartache is inevitable but suffering for too long is a choice"..

 

Make a choice for today, to take care of you... get back to YOU. He's just going to be someone else's problem now.. no longer yours... YOU will be happy, you will love again, you will gain so much about yourself from this heartache.. onward and upward, one step at a time..away from him..and back to you.

[hope2007]

Hi needingadvise, thanks for writing. No we have not talked for 7 days. My relationship with him is a long story, the short of it is, Im older he is younger. I know it is over, I have come to excpet that, but inthe pass, he seems to call me when things dont work out for him, Some how we have this emotional connection. that when we see or hear the other persons voice, we some how get back together for a while. I'm trying to do the one day at a time, I call a friend, I'm the needy girl now. When someone has been such a part of your life for that long, it is like withdrawal from caffine. Right now this site seems to be my life line. I'm so lost

[Trying_2_Smile]

Hi ladies,

 

I have just come upon this site tonight as I am too going through a break-up. I can relate to all the advice that is being given but it is so hard to follow. I broke up with my ex a month ago and have still be unable to go without complete contact. It is so hard! And I am feelings all the feelings that have been listed. I just wish the hurt would go away.

 

I can see there are so many caring people on this site and I am looking forward to healing with all of your help.

 

D

[iminpain]

Hi Trying2Smile, you mentioned that YOU broke up with your ex, what and how does it make it hard for you to go without complete contact?

[needingadvice]

hi everyone. it is really hard. this morning at least im in a better place in termss of my mood and to be honesst i feel ok - not great, just ok, but a few days ago i didnt even think it would be possible to just feel ok again. i have not got the overwhelming urge to contact my ex that ive carried with me everyday more-or-less for the last few months, and i think as Blender said, for now ive moved into an acceptance stage where i have begun to realise i said everything i could to him to reconsider - he didnt want to. There was nothig more I could have said and now everytime i contact him it actually just causes me more pain. I don't know how long I'll feel this way - it's such an up & down kind of grief that in 1 hour, or 1 day, or 1 week i might be getting myself into a state desperate to make contact with him, but for today, im determined to get to his evening with NC and hopefully be growing in strength emotionally all the time even if im not aware im doing so. the sad truth is i dont know why im in this state as i know he was not worth me getting into this mess - he really did alot of things that i realise now should have made me walk away and never look back. when i look at things objectively i can see this. but this doesnt stop me from wondering what he's doing and whether he's happy with his new girlfriend. i have to try and realise though that i wasnt happy with him, so accept what he does nw shouldnt be of concern to me. it is definitely without a doubt helping me to be a part of this forum. Please share your stories ladies, we can all help each other

[hope2007]

I'm having a good day today, I believe this site has helped me. it keeps me taking one day at a time, believe you me, I'm still thinking hard about him, thinking of all the things we had talked about in the future. But it is over, still having a hard time excepting it. I don't cry as much, cause i can't change a thing. I can only change me. I can only take care of me right now. I don't feel so alone anymore, I have you guys here and your shared feelings. Keep talking i need that.

[meantime]

hope2007, needingadvice, I feel exactly the same way. Some days are easier than others and while you can see some things so clearly emotions make getting past it so painful. Hope2007 my ex was younger than I was too we were together three years, my family would not accept him and that caused many problems an age difference can add to problems can't it?

[hope2007]

meantime, my family never acceppted him. His family however did accept me. I miss him so much. But since I started reading here, I feel better, this is the place I come to release, I don't have a problem of the NC. I just know he will contact me when he is down or things are not going well for him. It is just a matter of time. It it hard now, keeping my distance from his family. His mom and I became best friends, go figure. I try not to think about him, but it seems i think about him all the time. I meet him when he was 20, he is now 27, i can see why he wanted to make a life of his own, you see I already have kids from my first relationship.

[needingadvice]

it just hurts so much today im wondering when it will get easier. i know he is no good but im beginning to feel i will never see him again and that thought is making me feel in pain

[jessicake]

keep up the NC... you WILL get there!!!

 

after your denial stage comes the hardest stage... the depression... but after that, it all goes up hill!! be strong, it will get easier.

 

look forward to all the things that WILL make you happy in the future.

[needingadvice]

thanks for the support jessicake. it's amazing how much of a rollercoaster breaking-up with someone really is- one minute i feel absolutely desperate, one minute angry, one minute ok and like im getting better - then the circle all starts again!! i just want the day to come where i feel constantly ok with the situation and not having these dips

[meantime]

Needingadvice you are in the worst part of it right now. I remember being there you feel like nobody could or should feel this bad, and the tough part is nobody can really bring you through it but you. Reading these posts is so helpful and empowering. Blender has given you such wisdom, I wish I had that input when I was in your stage of things. Read them again because they are so completely true. The pain will get less if you keep the NC, it is just a fact.

[needingadvice]

thank you meantime. i am determined this time not to contact him, not just to 'heal' myself, but to gain some of my self-esteem/respect back (which i guess is part of the healing), i have always been there before for him but im not going to be his emotional support anymore, i know i have to be the most important thing. how have you been?x

[meantime]

I am doing much better. Like you I have always always been there for my ex. He sent a bitter email bc I have decided to go NC. In the past it has only taken him sending me a frowning face via text to get me to call him. Thinking back on that I shudder. To think he knew all he had to do was send something like that and we would end up in bed for three days. I am angry at myself for knowing what I know and doing it anyway. But no more. When I think of it he was using me. On my caller ID on my cell when he calls it comes up...letmeuseyouagain...when I see that instead of his name it makes it so much easier to not pick up the phone! He won't be using me again, ever. It will get easier but not for a while, no way around it, sorry.