I don't want to be a manwhore...

[mike_chppr]

OK, so I'm moved into my new apartment. unpacking boxes, and one of the huge issues for me an my wife was sexual inexperience on my part. So I guess is what I'm trying to say is I want to taste a variety of sexual flavors. I tend to agree with the concept that after a divorce your idea of relationships is tainted, like you want to fall in love in a sort of "open relationship" kind of way. How do you start dating/sexual relationships when you know they aren't going to be long term. My STBX was able to date lots of people i dated maybe two prior to her and it was more of a friends thing. She was my first sexual experience, and I married her. I wouldn't take that back, as she has really helped me grow as a person. But now I want to taste life. It is conflictual with my Judeo-Christian ethics, but how do I set boundaries. Sex is and will be availabe with lots, little, or no work on my part. Obviously protection is of concern. Should I go get tested for STDs every three months and have a certificate as well as expect the same from my partner(s). I didn't have sex when I was younger, not because of religious reasons, but because it scared the hell out of me watching my dad die of HIV. I'm realizing the venues that I have of meeting potential partners and there are a lot of possibilities of "sowing my wild oats" I don't have to worry about pregnancy as I'm snip-snipped, STDs and emotional baggage of living this type of lifestyle are my only concerns. How have others set boundaries in tasting the flavors of life. I'm not into the idea of one night stands. Maybe I'll consider on the third or fourth date rule. I'm not ready to start this tomorrow or next week, I just need to establish boundaries, so that when the moment of truth arives, I know what I will and will not do. I have to find a balance of protection, life experience, and emotional baggage. I'm struggling with this a lot lately. It isn't just getting back on the horse, it is more like riding it for the first time. "Hey, I know you want to have sex with me, but to be honest I'm probably a bad lay, I've only been with one other person for the last 6 years and no one prior to that." That sounds like I'm "fortune-telling" a sort of negative self talk, I want to enjoy the moments without feeling inferior.

 

Comments interjections questions, or Criticisims encouraged,

 

Mike_chppr

[doyathink]

I think it's awesome as do many women that you haven't had a multitude of sexual partners.

 

You have experience...and you will gain more as you go. There are plenty of women out there willing to take on that challenge....believe me.

[blender]

there is no real mature reason to separate your emotions from your sexual experiences, so do not set out to gain sexual knowledge through "actions" but instead do a bit of research, do some reading on the topic, and know that some day you will love again, and you and the woman will teach each other with open minds and open hearts and with respect.

 

Do not take too personally what your wife said.. that is some of her problem too, it's not all your fault.. for goodness sakes, it takes two....

[elithepi]

OK, how can I put this.

I was married for 5 years and have had a couple long term relationships.

Also I've....ahem..several one night stands.

What I've learned is that if you want to be sexually experienced it can only come from a long term partner.

With a long term partner you build trust and are able to experiment.

With one night stands....sex suckd mostly...it's just a lay.

Do not think that you will gain sexual experience by being a "manwhore".

Find someone you trust love and go from there.

Your ex is as much to blame as you for any sexual inadequacies.

Whenever you do find a new partner that you love and trust, trust the fact that you can make suggestions or try different things in bed without freaking them out....just don't get too freaky!

Imagine....you are a quarterback and you are working on a trick play...would you rather practice this play with the same team over and over or after each play, bring in a whole different team to practice.

Consistent practice with the same partner makes perfect.

[mike_chppr]

doyathink,

I appreciate your comments it makes me feel a little less pressured on the negative self talk that no one will want to be with me. Sometimes it is hard to believe those things my STBX is telling me that I have a lot to work with and that I'll be hooked up in no time. i.e. I'm slightly above average attractiveness, I have a stable income and career, and I'm fixed (no risk of pregnancy). But I feel distrustful of what she tells me right now and doubt myself a lot.

 

blender,

I agree that you cannot separate emotions from sexual experience. I have read lots of sex books while I was married, I figured obtaining all this knowledge would improve our nonexistant sex lives. But Knowledge cannot replace emotional experience. I was so anxious that I couldn't experience the emotions, plus I couldn't mind read either. She had an expectation that I should "know" when she wanted to make love, that I should "know" how she wanted to be touched and in what sequence. Those expectations really kind of raised my anxiety to insane levels and I'm still anxious that the next person may have those same expectations. I'm also worried of feeling like I'm cheating. We have both discussed that even though we are separated it is a state thing, we are already divorced emotionally and in our heads. I also kind of don't want to stew over this issue for the next 6 months of mandatory separation from the state of virginia. I want to move on, and part of that is developing relationships with others.

 

 

elithepi,

I'm not looking for one night stands. I'm looking for relationships. I think the manwhore word may be a little too intense. I'm looking to hook up, but I'm looking to build somewhat of a relationship first, I'm trying to set boundaries. So one-night-stand is definitely crossing a boundary that is unacceptable to me. I guess the question is how long should you know her before getting physically involved? I have no idea what the current American customs are, is there a third date rule, etc... I don't even know what first second and third bases are, although I'm fairly sure about what a home run is. The other thing is that I guess love and trust come from keeping in mind that I may end up spending the rest of my life with this person. And that adds way too much pressure to me. I would like to be on the path of several long term relationships and splits than push the marriage issue again like I did with my STBX. Boundaries in this issue are not easily set.

 

Thanks for your comments,

mike_chppr