Want out...but afraid of emotional blackmail

[wantmylifeback]

Hi there,

 

I was planning for this situation (yes, I have actually been plotting this for a little while!) to happen sometime after the New Year, but the opportunity cropped up a couple of days ago...

 

To cut a long story short (I'll save the full story for later), I finally said out loud that I wanted a divorce from my wife; actually, following another fight, she asked me what I want, and I thusly answered. We've been married for 2 years now, and in the past year my wife has "forced" me to ditch my own family because of a dispute with them. (Again, I will write fully on the background later). I'm now sick of having to sneak around in order to see my own mother, and I've been generally finding it impossible to imagine much of a future...

 

At the time, it was all handled as well as it could be expected, as once the words sunk in, she made a few retrospective comments before retiring to the bedroom. As the evening went on, she came out and wanted to talk - basically saying how I'm going to destroy her life, and that she won't be going home (she's a foreign national at the moment), but won't be staying here either...and how I'd "know about it". It wasn't said maliciously, but obviously it's not a nice thing to hear.

 

Now, somehow, things have patched up...I haven't exactly backed down from my stance, but given her little "threat", it's not easy for me to just turn a cold shoulder. It's the classic "I still care and love you, but not in love..." scenario - I want to see her safely back with her family. She has no family and friends here, and she has effectively isolated us from my family.

 

I really cannot sustain the situation that I'm in for long, and really want to get my life back on track. Domestically, things are actually "good", and on the surface, you can't imagine that anything is wrong...but inside, I'm constantly living a lie...and I'm starting to physically suffer.

 

I'm not expecting everything to be totally guilt-free or without stress, but is there anything I can do to ensure that she won't do anything silly if/when I finally get the courage to persue this through?

 

Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any thoughts and advice.

[someguy1976]

If she is a foreign national and their might be a problem with her status here, call the INS, if not, then don't worry about her! She has taken YOU away from YOUR family, and you're feeling guilty about it? That does not make sense. Just walk your butt down to the lawyers office, and file for divorce. Then walk over to the city county building and file for a restraining order. If there are assets and such, tie them up or liquidate them. Don't let her control your life any more then she already has. It is just pure silly that you have to sneak to talk to your family. You need to worry about yourself, not her! She can worry about herself. The way I see it, once the relationship goes sour, you can never sweeten it up again. Every man for himself, remember that expression? You will feel bad, but don't, because overall you will feel better about your life. I bet you think twice about getting married again?!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We've been married for 2 years now, and in the past year my wife has "forced" me to ditch my own family because of a dispute with them. (Again, I will write fully on the background later). I'm now sick of having to sneak around in order to see my own mother, and I've been generally finding it impossible to imagine much of a future...

 

It is so hard to comment based on so little information. Why would you have to ditch your own family for her benefit? Do they not like your wife or she doesn't like them? Without knowing who cause the rift, it is hard to comment.

 

There usually three sides to every story (his, hers and the truth being somewhere in between!) because each party has their own perspective and reality on things. As much as you are hurting, I am sure so is she, which is causing her to lash out like that. Being away from her family can be so isolating so she is trying to cover up her insecurities with hostility. Have the two of you sat down to really talk about things in a non-hostile way? You have only been married two years. Sometimes the first couple of years it is hard to adjust to the changes married life brings. Before throwing in the towel, ask yourself if you have also tried to see things from her perspective. Is there some way you can meet in the middle and repair the rift in the family?

Again, without knowing details, it is hard to comment.

[wantmylifeback]

Thanks for the replies, and apologies for going AWOL in the middle of things.

 

someguy1976 - I wish I could be so assertive in my actions! But I've grown up with responsibility (read - "Guilt") on my shoulders, so I'm always thinking more than is good my own health.

 

Her current visa expires in February, so it's almost time to renew, which would result in almost permanent residence status...

 

Crazyaboutdogs - you're not wrong about the number of stories! And hopefully what I will write now will make the situation clearer.

 

A few facts first - we have no children, and no fixed assets (except for a car, which is in my name). The savings are in her account (well, it's funds from her family), as my paycheck is pretty much eliminated by the end of the month. In fairness though, she never sees money as "mine" or "hers", whilst I actually sometimes do...

 

Ok, now with the history...I'll try to write this in a logical sequence and keep things tidy. So we married 2 years ago - this was mainly so that she could get a visa to stay here, so that we would have a chance to be together - love-fools, I know, but that was the way it was...following our marriage she returned home (she had been here for about 2 years studying already) for a few months, where she also got her visa sorted out. When we were reunited, we lived with my mother for a while...it was always made clear that I was close to my mother/family, and feel great responsibility to her, so living together wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me...and besides, she ran her own business and was out of the house most of the time.

 

The wife failed to get a job during the time we all lived together, for one reason or another (I won't go into these details as they won't really help), and things got tense with my mother. This wasn't necessarily about the money itself, but the principle of doing something productive, or contributing to the home. Through the pressure from my mother (who was under constant pressure herself, and suffered from illnesses), and combined with an alien environment with limited opportunities, the wife started going through mini-depressions, and hated her life at the time.

 

This culminated in her threatening with suicide, whereby I watched over her for 48 hours, almost constantly, before things calmed down...unfortunately, I had to take time off work, so I (stupidly?) informed my boss of what was going on, and when I missed a call from him one morning, he immediately then called my mother (who was at work, and unaware of the situation), and they both fled back him...thusly breaking the calm, and starting the "war".

 

Unpleasant things were said by the wife and mother, and I was stuck in the middle. The wife threatened to end her life if I refused to step out of the shadows of my mother, whilst my mother entered into a mode of disowning me from that point. Now, I know my mother, so I knew she didn't mean anything (by all of it), but she can also be very stubborn and "hard" (which I guess is bourne from bringing up a child on her own, whilst constantly running her business to keep us going), so it won't take much for her to go on the offensive...thus making it impossible to "justify" anything that she had said...

 

So we moved out. The wife got herself a job to help with the finances, and appeared to get back to "normal". Since then, we've had quite a few arguments and disagreements, with one that lead to her getting drunk and seemingly blurt out what I had been waiting to hear for a while - that she wanted to go home. But once sober, she treated it just like any other argument, and carried on like normal.

 

Most recently, we had an argument over Christmas, which meant wasting a couple of days being silent to each other, which then takes us to my original post...

 

Right at this very moment, things are as "good" as they have every been...in terms of relations on the surface.

 

But just to make things clear - she really is the victim in this case...it's a matter of me lot wanting to be married to her any more. Sure, she hasn't been perfect in handling everything, but neither have I, and that just strengthens my desire to stop this before things get worse. But like I said, I am very prone to emotional blackmail (sorry, I can't think of another term for it), and I really don't know what can be done to ensure that she gets to the safety of her own home.

 

Oh, and we're only 26, but she seems to make out that her life will be over if I'm not part of it (not in a lovey-begging way...but that she had built this up, and she won't accept going through it again). I remember even just after we got back together (after she went home), the she started to talk about the "what if"..."what if we decided to not marry, and see what would happen?"...I made a comment, and then she followed by saying that she wouldn't have gotten another boyfriend...

 

Thanks again for reading through this, and any thoughts will be appreciated.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is a tough one. Her instability is understandable, being in a foreign country with no family around. She moved into your mother's home with you and probably this was not a good idea because of the old "inlaws" issue that is the butt of many jokes by comedians. Difficult situation for her to be in. The suicide issues are another matter. She probably has issues with depression which were made worse by the situation she found herself in. Has she gone to counselling at all to get to the root of her problems? Are your fights, petty fights? It is so easy to throw in the towel when things get rough but remember, marriage is about not bailing at the first sign of trouble. It is about trying to figure out why there is trouble, see if it can be fixed, and finally, if everything fails, then end the marriage. I don't think the two of you have really dug deep into the root of all of these problems and perhaps that is worth exploring before deciding to end the marriage.

[wantmylifeback]

Yes, the fights are over relatively petty issues - more over our (or her) dissatisfaction with our characters and habits. But it all leads to a lot of stress and wasted time.

 

It really does seem to be bailing out, but I think that's the thing...I fully understand, respect and appreciate the true meaning of marriage, and if it was truly a "done thing" once married, then I *could* carry on with it, even it means that I'd be unhappy inside. However, divorce does exist, and I'm seeing that as my way out.

 

It is sad that I feel this way, but it is real. It's not a sudden feeling brought on by a petty argument (or a series of them), and it's not a "at this moment" thing. I feel that a relationship where one of the partners does not see a future cannot be a good thing.

 

Yes, it's very selfish, it's what I want...but ultimately, I can't bring anything better to her if I stay this way. Everything will be a lie. I don't think that anything that I'm doing will be for the right reasons...she would say "I love you", and I would just acknowledge...she would ask me if I love her, and I would stall (albeit playfully), before eventually saying "of course"...that's not necessarily a lie, because I do still love her, but such that I don't want harm to come to her.