I miss her so much

[samross]

I've been miserable now for two months. Our relationship ended after two years. She said the infamous line "I love you but I'm not in love with you...". We play in a rock band together. She and I have written beautiful music together. About a year ago I couldn't make a commitment to her and had to let go. She struggled with it terribly but we continued on with the band. A couple of months ago it hit me like a ton of brick that I still loved her more than anything so I told her. I've always believed actions are louder than words. When I told her her eyes lit up. I told her she didn't have to say anything. The following week at band practice she was very cool and detached, like she had thought about it and decided it wasn't what she wanted, or maybe she was afraid I'd let her down again. She is very extroverted and I'm the opposite. I began pursuing her again and she indicated that she wanted us to be friends and that she had moved on. She claimed she is seeing someone else but I know she isn't. Over the past month at practice I've sat there in a incredibly depressed mood and basically have been miserable. When I go into my depressed quiet mode she completely ignores me even to the point of flirting with the other guys in the band. They all know the situation and there isn't anything going on between her and them but it tears me up and I feel like she's paying me back for letting her down. I want her back so badly but I realize I needed to let go. Saturday night we had a gig and at first she and I got along great but she stuck to her guns and wouldn't let herself be alone with me. I started getting down. The more down I got the more she isolated herself from me. I moved to the other side of the room where we were playing and the guys tried to get me to come over and sit with her and them but I couldn't. I was so miserable and she seemed to be fione laughing and carrying on with them over on the other side of the room. Every once in a while she would look over at me. We had an hour drive home together in a van and she never said anything to me. I was so depressed that when we got back home I told the guys this was my last night. I told them I needed to let go. She didn't say anything. I told her that I had something for her and gave her back all of the CD's she had given me over the past year of so. I told her goodbye. I realize I burned a bridge but my sister agrees with the NC approach and I'm tired of getting my heart ripped out every time I see her. What should I do?

[Lilu]

Hi there!

 

I hope this doesn't sound silly, but most of us have been there. You really don't go into detail about how you have let her down, previously to the breakup, but it seems that you and her wanted to give your relationship another chance. You sound heartbroken, and in a desperate mode of wanting to start over again.

 

This is my sole opinion, so by any means, don't rely on just one advice. Perhaps it would be helpful if you guys spend it apart for a bit. I know, its painful having to do that when you and her share so much time together because of the band. I wont lie, it is hard to bear apart of the one you care about. But you got to do this for you. If you keep thinking she is the only one, or she is the only thing that can make you happy, you know its not true. Who knows what the future holds, but for now, you gotta snap out of it, and try at least, to live your life without her. Give her space, let her do her thing, and you try to do yours.

 

I hope I have made some sense. And please keep your chin up. Better things will come with time.

 

Take care and keep us posted.

 

Hugs,

Lilu

[samross]

Thank you. Do you think I weas wrong to return the things she had given me?

[Lilu]

Well, I can't say yes or no. See, I was heart broken when my husband, now ex, told me he didn't love me anymore. So as soon as (he) we broke it off, I went through a despressing time, riping every pic we had of us together, puting everything that belonged to him in a box, because not seeing his stuff, made me feel a bit better etc.

 

So what I mean is, if giving her stuff back, is a step forward to the better, then no, you didnt do wrong, kid. Cheer up please.

[drum4god]

Samross,

 

Wow, its tough enough to have your heart broken, but to be on stage with a woman you love is torture. But you did the right thing. I am in a band also, and I know I would not be able to handle seeing her night after night flirting. It would affect my playing. I would have done the same thing.

 

I think in some way, her flirting was her way of getting back at you for hurting her. Its cruel, but that stuff backfires. Trust me, she will miss you. You just have to be strong, and go NC.

 

My girl broke up with me yesterday, and said the same thing your girl said "She loved me and wasn't in love". The only difference is when she said it, I still tried to work it out, and it only hurt me worse.

 

Dude, you will be O.K. I know when you love someone you think they are the only one you will fall in love with. Its called "Oneitis". It will feel that way awhile, but it will fade. Just be strong with the NC. Perhaps she will come back and realize she does love you, but don't count on it. NC is for you, not a tactic to get her back.

 

Hang in there.

[samross]

Thanks. It definitely is torture. I feel bad on top of it all because I'm the guitar player and I write all of the music. The music was centered around me & her singing together (she taught me how to sing and our harmonies were amazing). The bass player (my best friend) is really taking it hard.

[samross]

Day 6 of NC: I haven't heard anything from anyone in the band. My stuff is still over there and I haven't called my friend to see when I can get my stuff. I'm just kinda numb. Her mother and my mother are best friends. My mom hasn't told me she heard I quit the band so it sounds like my ex hasn't told her mother yet...

[Belle]

Sam,

 

I'm afraid I don't think NC is necessarily the route to go in all situations, especially not yours. If one person couldn't commit to the other or screwed up in the first place, NC is going to be the last thing that works. It confirms to the other person that it wasn't going to work out anyway. What I don't get is if she told you that she wasn't in love with you before or after you decided that you couldn't commit to her. If it was before, then NC might be appropriate. Afterwards would mean it was a reaction to your lack of commitment (most likely).

 

If you realized you made a mistake and want her back, you're going to have to communicate that and show her with steady actions that you're willing to be patient and show her that you're trustworthy. Her current reactions are those of someone who was hurt. If she really didn't care, her apathy would be palpable. She's trying to make you jealous so she does care. That's your in.

 

good luck

[samross]

Thank you Belle. She told me she wasn't in love with me after I approached her again after I couldn't commit. She said she loved me but wasn't in love. She said that there was nothing to go back to, that she had moved on. What makes it hard to read is in between the episodes of making me jealous, she talks, smiles and laughs with me like nothing is wrong. Our moms are best friends which makes it all the more bittersweet. And I know that both of them would love to see me and her together. I didn't mention that she has (before me) been in several relationships that didn't work and she always seems to be the one who got hurt. She asked me not to hurt her but there was no other way at the time. It wasn't because of my heart, it was things in my life I couldn't change at the time. At times I've felt like now that she's in the driver's seat she is able to pay someone back for her pain and she sees it definitely works on me. I haven't gotten angry with her or had bad words with her regardless. I have always tried to show her love. Sometimes it is just so hard when I know she is trying to hurt me by flirting with a someone else in the band. And when she ignores me when I am in so much pain it is torture. One example is saying something to one of them that previously she would only say to me. But always where I can hear it. Maybe it's just me and my imagination. Problem is in my day life I'm an engineer and we always see the world in black and white. Something that can be fixed. Not the gray world of emotions and life. I think your answer hits the nail. I need to distance myself from the band for a while and then see where life takes me. My sister told me a I made a mistake by quitting but it is so hard to stay and smile. I know that is what I should do and may be what I have to end up doing to keep the band going. I just feel so lost and I can't quit blaming myself.

[samross]

Question for those following my threads: I would like to contact my friend in the band but I'm afraid he'll tell my ex I called. I don't want her to think I'm checking up on her. I think if I did call him that would be one of the things I'm interested in and I afraid I'll hear something I don't want to hear. I don't know how she responded after I gave her back the CDs she gave me. I do know when we left the garage where we practice at that night she was in front of me and drove like a bat out of hell and ran through every red light before she got home (we both have to go the same way) so I'm assuming she was pretty sore at me but like I've said I haven't heard anything from any of them in the band. What do you all think? I thought I would contact him but maybe next week some time.

[samross]

I called on my friend and he told me they (the band and my ex) got together and discussed the situation. She told them all how she had been hurt in the past in previous relatioonships and that when I said I had to let go she decided right then that it was over and she doesn't want to ever go back to it. My friend said she was really upset. They are trying another guitar player this week so I feel like a wreck. They decided since I told them I was done that they had to go on. I understand that. My friend wants it to work out with me so he wanted to know what he could do. I told him I needed to talk to her to see if I could move forward with them. He is sort of the mediator between her & I so he is asking her what she wants to do. If she says no then it's over. I appreciate those of you that have tried to help me.