Let me know what you make of this story

[froufrou]

Five years ago, aged 17, I did a French exchange with a family. When I met one of the sons, Raphael, who was 15, I experienced a feeling that I had that one time, but never again. Normally with guys, I single one out of a crowd because I think he's a) handsome b) sweet, etc. With Raphael, I didn't actually think - the feelings just hit me and caught me completely by surprise.

 

Raphael lost his father when he was 8, and he later explained that the death still weighs heavily on his mind. For me, it explained why he was generally quite a shy, distant and guarded person. The first time alone, he gave a garbled response to my question then left the room. The second time we were together, he read some of the funnier phrases from my French phrasebook and made us giggle, but then shot off. The third time it was a hot summer's night and we camped in the garden with his elder brother; and we kissed. Then his brother got angry and left; raphael seemed agitated, then said he was going, too. I was left alone - I felt confused, and pretty rejected. The next day he apologised for kissing me and proceeded to ignore me for the four remaining days of my stay.

 

Fast-forward five years later. I moved to Paris for a year and got back in touch with my French exchange family to see how they were. Although the letter had been addressed to all members, it was Raphael who wrote a personal letter back to me. I had had boyfriends in those five years, but nothing actually matched what I felt when I saw his letter in my hands. We spoke on the phone and each time I heard his voice and we laughed together, I felt joyous. Then we met up - seeing each other was awkward at first, much harder than the phone, but the rapport got easier with each meet and finally he let his guard down and we kissed. We spent the whole night talking, about what was happening, about five years previously, and he said that back then he'd been an idiot and was now making up for lost time. My happiness with him was never over the top - I never felt unworthy. I just felt right, absolutely right. I glowed.

 

We saw each other about three times a week. He integrated me into his life, him into mine - families and friends all met each other, the works. I felt moved to tell him what had been on my mind for some time, that I thought he was "the one"... and then ... the summer holidays hit. He went off for a week with his friends and didn't get in touch with me. It felt like he didn't miss me. I got pretty down. Then, a week later, I went to join him on the holiday, as scheduled. I was sharing an open-plan apartment with 8 guys, including Raphael. He had seemed so happy to see me when I'd first arrived, a couple of hours he fell into the routine that he would keep up for the rest of the holiday - glued to his friends, making no plans and certainly no effort to do things as a couple. I pointed this out - he didn't react; I pointed it out more strongly, that it was making me feel down - he got angry. The third week of holidays got worse. His friends were meant to leave so we could be alone, but decided to stay; I bought about 100 books and sat on the beach each day, by myself, reading them, while he basically ignored me.

 

Everything blew up on the last day. I ended up crying like a lunatic. I felt like he didn't care, that he was wasting our last moments together, particularly as I would shortly be moving back to England for a year, leaving him behind in France. He said he was worried that next year would be 'unbearable' without me and that he wanted our relationship to work. The next day he went to Spain, again with his friends (another planned leg of his holidays)...and didn't text or phone me once during his week there. I called him once and he coldly thanked me for having thought of him. It was awful. When he got back to Paris and his home where I was temporarily living, he broke up with me almost as soon as he got in the door. If I could pin down his mood at the time, it would be confused and nervous. There was no spite, it was clear he had resolved to himself to get out of it. I didn't argue with his decision, I just let it happen. The worst bit was when he said: "I'm not sure if I ever loved you" and "when you told me you thought I was the one, how do you think it felt to not be able to say anything back?" His words weren't insults; he seemed genuinely sad to say so. Then I packed my bags and left for England.

 

Four months later after ground zero and we've still not spoken. No Contact reigns. Some days I think positively and feel that the breakup was for the best, after all, why WOULD I want to be with someone who didn't love me? Other days, I'm not so positive. I long for his hugs or to see his smiling eyesfirst thing in the morning. I miss him teasing me about my terrible French accent, or introducing me to his friends and family as his first proper girlfriend. Being with him didn't seem like a good time, or even an excellent time - it seemed like the most significant set of events in my life - the beginning of my last and longest relationship. You know, I can live without him, of course I can, but it feels like something vital is missing.

[n83]

Your thoughts of him aren't real. If he says he never loved you, why doubt him? I'm not sure you're hanging onto him so much as a memory of good times and good feelings. He certainly will not be the last love of your life. Obviously, everyone takes time to mourn, but you need to do things to move on with your life. What would you do if he tried to come back to you? Would you take him or would you leave him? I hope it would be the latter, and I hope you realize that you should be with someone who loves you.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He liked you, but

 

he didn't love you

and

he's quite (cough) inconsistent.

 

I know its a romantic drama which is enticing, but you're better off moving on and forgetting him. Forever.

 

After all, if he missed you so much during those 5 years, he WOULD have contacted you. If he was that into you, you'd be together right now.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I met a great guy who came to the US on an exchange program. He and I were close, but when he left he disappeared. It was sad, but I figured if he had really cared he would have sent me an email, letter or something. He didn't, I moved on.

 

This guy sounds the same. He only acted like he cared when you were right in front of him and the rest of the time you were an after thought if that. When you love someone they are on your mind all day long.

[froufrou]

Wow, I'm kind of speechless. Three different people all basically saying the same thing. Okay, hands up, I feel stupid for not being quicker on the update - something in me STILL believes he may care about me and will one day come back. It's delusional, I know - and probably because I really fell in love and want to believe it was the same for him.

 

Still, I'm trying to work out what I need to do exactly in order to FORGET him and NOT reminisce about the good times. If you have ANY ideas, I'd love to hear them (may help me get to sleep, which recently has been proving tough)

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd say, like any addiction:

 

Don't fight feelings you have romanticizing-wise - resisting something only makes it stronger.

 

Make a list of reasons why its positive that it didn't work out (and there must be things, because there always is).

 

When you get an attachment-y, obsessive-y/lovey type thought, let it be there and imagine it floating away. Carry on with whatever you were doing.

 

Make a special effort to enrich/improve all other relationships in you life ie family and friends. Its partially distraction, and partially in order to retain your faith in people and not get at all bitter. Which is never good, and you can be vulnerable to in difficult situations such as this.