loveistough Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 My ex-boyfriend and I broke up several months ago after I found out he had never ended things with his previous girlfriend that had moved over 2000 miles away. I was upset with him and he was upset with me for the way I handled it but I eventually learned that he didn't end it with her because she was having a really hard time and she had been there for him when he lost his brother and he couldn't turn his back on her when she needed him. After learning what was behind it all thru another source I sent him a letter explaining my feelings about the entire situation. I had seen him a few times right before that and he was always looking at me and making his presense known but we weren't talking then. After the letter we started to talk and I learned thru another source that things were falling apart between him and the other girl. We started to talk more and more (just casually) and I told him that I still cared about him. Well I saw him again about a week ago and he gave me a hug when he saw me and he talked almost non-stop. I wondered if maybe he was nervous. Well when I left he gave me another hug and held me for a second and told me it was good to see me and that I looked nice. He squeezed my elbow before I left. Later that night at 2:30am he sends me a text message saying "you looked nice, you looked very, very good tonight". Then on Tuesday of this week I took him some holidays treats I had made to his work ( I had offered before since things seemed to be going well). He seemed very genuinely very appreciative and thanked me. Before I even left the parking lot he sent me another text telling me "thank you very much". From my other source I learned that the other girl appears to be moving on with someone else now but I don't think they officially ended things yet but she is now in town for the holidays. Last night we were texting and he tells me that he wants to be alone for a while until he decides what he wants. I told him OK and I really do understand that he might be confused but what I don't understand is that he was sending me signals like he wanted to get back together and up until 3 days ago, especially that late night text. I got the impression that things between him and her are now completely over. Maybe that is what has got him thinking. I also know this is a bad time of the year for him after losing his brother a couple of years ago. Why the mixed signals or is he just completely confused right now?? Link to comment
ladyeve Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Hugs, loveistough. You sound like a really caring person with your head on straight. Now it's time to take care of yourself and enjoy the holidays (as much as you can) without the ex. He'll have to figure things out on his own. People need time alone for learning past lessons for their next relationship to be healthy. It sounds like your ex's pretty wise about that, and that's a good sign. Be patient. Link to comment
loveistough Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 Thanks. I do really care about him a lot and I think he does still care about me too. I told him that if he needs space I will give it to him. Don't really know if I will be what he wants in the end. I want to respect his space but I want to send him a text on Christmas (less intrusive than calling) to wish him a Merry Christmas. Should I send it or should I leave him completely alone right now? Link to comment
TaTaBell Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 Hey Love, I can completely relate. I have a thread in Getting Back Together..."help me through this please" I just updated. Maybe that will help you as well. Link to comment
ladyeve Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 If you are fine with not getting a response, then send the text. Are you doing low contact or no contact at this point? Only you can figure out which would be best for you in order to go forward on your own and give him space to figure things out. Link to comment
loveistough Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 Hey Love, I can completely relate. I have a thread in Getting Back Together..."help me through this please" I just updated. Maybe that will help you as well. Thanks! I will go back and read it. Link to comment
loveistough Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 If you are fine with not getting a response, then send the text. Are you doing low contact or no contact at this point? Only you can figure out which would be best for you in order to go forward on your own and give him space to figure things out. I wouldn't be expecting a response. I want to go no contact which is why I am hesitant to send it. I don't want to confuse him or complicate things anymore. But I don't want to seem cold or uncaring to him to not send him a quick text saying "Merry Christmas". Partly because I know it is a tough holiday for him. I probably will send it but that is it. Thanks for your help. Link to comment
ladyeve Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 I think he knows you care, that's why he felt obligated to tell you he needed time to think. If you didn't appear that you cared one way or another, why would he feel the need to explain himself to you? Send the text if you want. But he already knows you care. Link to comment
loveistough Posted December 23, 2006 Author Share Posted December 23, 2006 You are right, he already knows. I guess I will just see how the day (Christmas) goes and see how I feel then. Link to comment
loveistough Posted December 24, 2006 Author Share Posted December 24, 2006 I saw him tonight while I was at the mall helping my brother shop for his wife. We were going up the escalator and he was going down. He looked straight at me and I turned away. I didn't feel comfortable speaking to him and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable either. I really didn't want to see him so I wasn't thrilled about the situation. We didn't leave it on bad terms but I still didn't want to see him right now. Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 So I just learned that the girl does in fact have a new boyfriend. I guess things really have ended between the 2 of them so maybe that is why he feels he needs a break from it all right now. From what I have heard about her I don't think it would have been very pleasant(sp.?). I am still giving him his space but it's been really hard the last couple of days. I was doing really well up until about 2 days ago and now I can't seem to get him off my mind. I did end up texting him on Christmas Eve but it was to apologize for turning away from him the day before when I saw him. I didn't want him to think I was upset with him. I told him that it was a little uncomfortable but I wasn't upset with him. I didn't expect a response at all but he responded by texting me back "ok", nothing major but I guess at least he acknowledged it. Link to comment
blender Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Keep up the good work, stay strong, no contact, respect yourself, and wait till he is making an intentional loving respectful loyal committed effort to be in YOUR life, for right now you just take care of you, get busy with your own life, and sure cry when you need to..and vent here, but do NOT contact him..you're too vulnerable and he wants "space"... take care of YOU right now. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 loveistough, do you want to get back together with him? It sounds like you were doing well without him..do you want to get back together with someone who lied to you? Link to comment
blender Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 hmmm, bigheart09 makes a very good point, certainly something you can remember to think through.. someone's choices in past behavior is a true sign of thier character or lack of.... Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 That is a valid point and is why we broke up in the 1st place but I learned that everything he told me when I confronted him with it was actually true. I didn't believe that at the time though. He did lie to me but I understand now why he did. I still think it was wrong but his intentions were good but it wasn't the right thing to do. She was having some serious issues that I have since learned about and she needs attention and after she was there for him during an extremely difficult time in his life he couldn't turn his back on her. They never saw each other so it was more of an emotional relationship. I had to find it out on my own before I believed him. She moved away before I met him. This is a guy that took me home to meet his family on our 2nd date. We knew each other for about 3 months before we dated so it wasn't like we had just met. I am pretty sure he still cares about me. I do still care about him a lot and would like to get back together with him. I think he needs time to think and reflect before he can consider that though. Link to comment
bigheart09 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 loveistough, so he didnt physically cheat on you? What made you break it off with him? Were they talking on the phone a lot, etc? Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 No he didn't cheat on me. He was cheating on her with me (just to clarify, I didn't like that either). Yes they were only talking on the phone. She was clearly under the impression that she was still his girlfriend. They never saw each other the entire time we were together. I was uncomfortable with the situation and I didn't understand it at the time and I didn't really believe what he told me. She was recently in town over the holidays and I think that may be when they officially ended things. We were slowly getting back on track and he would always hug me when he saw me and at the same time he was becoming more and more distant towards her. Then out of no where he suddenly says he needs to be alone. At that time she was in town and I think something may have happened. I think the break-up may have gotten ugly and he is sensitive so I think he just needs time to clear his head. Link to comment
blender Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I hope it's okay with you if I provoke a little bit of thought for you by being somewhat blunt and honest as to what this all reads like with this guy.. here goes.. so he was "cheating on her with you"?? Is that correct? Be careful, because anyone will tell you the truth is: "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you" There was no reason for him to lie to her and cheat with you, if she is sensitive and had "issues" and she needed him to still be there for her, then the honorable thing to do, would have been for him to be honest at least with himself and NOT overlap relationships... what he's so needy he had to lie to her, lie to you, and have you both on the line, because he's (as you say) such a sensitive man? I hope you're careful, I really think you will end up in her situation eventually.. this is HIS pattern more than it is HER issues.. I'm sure she loved him as much as you do, and she deserved honesty and respect as much as you do from him.. why would she be less deserving of his honesty? Oh yeah, I forgot he had a "reason" for that, it was "HER" issues..uh-huh... next girl will hear all about how he's "cheating on you because YOU"RE too sensitive to know the truth yet"... be careful and respect your own heart, a guy is usually at his VERY BEST during the start of the relationship, so I think you may have already seen him at his best..and he will be his "best" again..if you know what I mean..he will do this again..only you will be in her shoes... so protect your sense of self and your heart.. and maybe take some time to stay away from this guy.. what do you think? Do you really respect and admire a man who uses a woman's "issues' as a reason for his lying to both of you? I guess he thought you were too "sensitive and had issues' too much to be honest with YOU from the beginning.. I wonder what reasons he has for not telling you about her from the start, perhaps that you wouldn't have been "interested" in him then? Well, he's right, so I guess it was better for him to "risk your heart" than his own.. that is HIS PATTERN... Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 If I didn't know what the "issues" were I would say exactly what you are saying. I am not making excuses for him. Without going into details, she is emotionally unstable. Like I said, I was furious in the beginning and didn't believe him. He is not the one that convinced me he was telling the truth. He never told me she was too sensitive to hear the truth yet. I think you are under the impression that he told me all this stuff to convince me but he didn't tell me all that. I tried to convey that before in my previous post but I guess I didn't make it very clear. I learned it in another way that he doesn't even know about. It is easy to make harsh judgements about someone without knowing them or the entire situation. I made some pretty harsh judgements about him myself and thereforeeee ended it. After taking some time to reflect and eventually learn what was behind it I realized that he wasn't the bad person I thought he was. Believe me there is not 1 single thing that you have said that I have not already considered. Then I found out the truth. He doesn't even know I know everything that I know. If he was really as bad of a guy as you have made him out to be then why did he decide he needed some time alone to think and be alone rather than trying to get back together? As I said before too, she was there for him when he lost his brother. He had a difficult time with that. Other people I have talked to have told me it can be difficult to walk away from someone and hurt them when they helped you thru a situation like that. I can see how that could be. I know how much his brothers death affected him, he's had a hard time dealing with it. It's not his pattern, it really is about her "issues" and I guess some of his "issues" too. I was quick to come to that conclusion too in the beginning and want to lump him into the "cheater" category but as I discovered things I realized I was wrong for jumping to conclusions. I am not a forgiving person and I am not naive so for me to come to this conclusion really took some concrete information, it's not based on something I just want to believe. Link to comment
blender Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I'm sorry, I thought I started my post with the fact that I was going to be "blunt" and was "trying to provoke some thought" for you, based on what it "sounded" like from your posts..obvious I was confused by some of the story..oops. and you're so right, I have no idea if he's a good guy or a bad guy. Again, I was simply responding to what it "sounded" like that's all, no need to defend him to me, I was just trying to be helpful.. and clearly from what you know of him, I guess I'm way off... sorry He's very fortunate to have someone as caring, understanding, and forgiving as you... Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 He's not perfect but I don't know anyone else that is either. It sounded to me like you were doubting everything I said even though I said I had concrete information that came from somewhere else other than him. I think you were assuming I was being naive and believing lines he was feeding me and that simply wasn't the case. We have been broken up for several months. It took me a while to find out the truth and realize he actually was being honest. Oddly enough, some of the information I learned actually came from HER. It is a complicated, odd story. As I said before, I am NOT a very forgiving person. I am quick to jump to conclusions and I did with him but it turned out I was wrong and he actually was being honest. It is highly unusual yes but it does happen. If HE was the one telling me all those things and that was all I was going on then what you said might have been true but that's just not the case here. Link to comment
evening_light Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 So "loveistough" what is your point with your thread?? Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 It has gotten lost now. My OP was the point of my thread. I guess it really doesn't matter now. It has steered too far off course. Link to comment
evening_light Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 This looks like a cat and mouse relationship... You want your ex....he wants space! Your ex's girlfriend has a new guy....I think he wants "her" more if he's demanding space with you.... Ok people have told you to go NC, there is a reason for this, for you to "heal"..... Don't send him "nothing", no text, no Ims, "nothing" Let this guy ( and you know he cheated, lied with you, right? ) alone for a while, just disappear and see if he truly misses you...but remember even if he comes back, he may still have "her" on her mind... Something to think about Link to comment
loveistough Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Thanks for the advice. I was the one that chose the NC. That was my idea. He's not missing her and she won't be on his mind. That's definetly not the issue. He told her it was over. She was pressuring him to stay together and he didn't want to. She has finally moved on and found someone else, probably a rebound for her. She knows about me. I believe she made one last attempt at reconciliation with him while she was in town and it didn't work and it got ugly and he wants time alone. Everything else is confirmed, the only thing I don't know is what happened when she came to town, the only thing I know about that for sure is that she said her trip "sucked." It's not about her suddenly having a new boyfriend, I don't even know if he knows that. I only mentioned that because I was glad she had finally let go because she has been stressing him out terribly. If he missed her so much then I think he would have gone to visit her when he has had plenty of opportunities to do so but he has never once tried. And yes I know that for sure. Link to comment
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