Trust issue with live-in boyfriend

[lucy001]

My boyfriend and I have lived together for a year and a half. He's generous with money, a hard-worker, loving and kind. Here's the problem: I recently found marajuana in his work pants while doing laundry. I confronted him with it and he told me that he smoked and didn't want to tell me because he knew I wouldn't accept it. Is this on me because I'm not approachable about subjects? I always felt like I could tell him anything, that's one major thing I was attracted to him about.

 

I recently left the military after 20 years and am against drugs and heavy drinking. He was fully aware of my views when we started dating. I grew up around all of that and as an adult do not want that in my life. This summer I found out that he drank and drove at least twice that I know about. His vehicle is in my name due to him having 3 past DUI's, the most recent occurred about 4-5 years ago. My huge concern is him being untrustworthy now. I have given my heart to this man after being in a horrible marriage for 10 years. I almost feel stuck because our plans were for me to finish my degree and for him and me to build his business.

 

I have two children, ages 13 and 11. He has two children, ages 11. When they were here for the summer vacation, I almost left my own home because his children had some major behavior problems. His one son is ADHD and on meds but when we have him, my boyfriend doesn't want him on meds. The problem was that my boyfriend worked many hours per week and I was left with the 4 kids.

 

As a result of getting out of the military, I am now in a town where I have no family and not sure if I would want to return home. What should I do? Financially, I would not be able to stay in the home we're in without his help, but is he the guy for me? I really don't know what to do, am I blowing this out of proportion? I don't want to even sleep in the same bed as him. I now wonder what else he is hiding even though he assures me there's no other issues. It just seems to me that most of his problems are stemming from substance abuse problems which he readily admitted that when he was in his 20's he had a problem. He's 35 now.

Please give me advice...

[Babelouee]

To be honest I would'nt worry too much, there is so much smoking of marajuana these days its no big deal.

I think he avoided telling you because he did not want to upset you.

Its no reason not to trust him I'm sure he was looking after your best interests!

Personally, I have smoked it and I would consider myself very trusting!

[Gunther]

you need to get him to counsiling or rehab, those two children could easily become inocent bistanderds and I would hate to see that happen to anybody. And as to the ADHD a couple of my friends and family have that, it is tolerable at certain levels, but if it is serious those kids would have a really hard time leading a normal life w\o meds, sounds like your husband is in some serious need of help and I want to reassure you that you are not over reacting, fifteen years on that stuff and he cant quit w\o some support {not a support group BTW there are other ways} but I suggest talking to a phycologist {not about the problem but about rehabs and what-not} because they can recomend some very good places to go for information you wouldnt even have to go to more than just one meeting w\ a phycologist to get the names and addresses of a few ppl that can help you. outside of that, I really dont know what to say.

[Gunther]

To be honest I would'nt worry too much, there is so much smoking of marajuana these days its no big deal.

I think he avoided telling you because he did not want to upset you.

Its no reason not to trust him I'm sure he was looking after your best interests!

Personally, I have smoked it and I would consider myself very trusting!

 

first thing first... NO BIG DEAL!? when did breaking the law become no big deal? sounds to me like he was keeping a lot from you, and I think you can look out for your own best interests. and finally I would like to oh-so-respectfully point out that he also uses drugs and of course he is going to say its okay. If I used drugs I probly would too hoping I would get the same curtasy from the next person who found out. But the fact is it should be a big deal! especialy to those of us who use it, I know I sound like mr.grinch but they are DRUGS not a cigaret, it siger-weed! I dont want to drop the hammer on you... but I'm going to anyways {hammer ->} it is not okay to do drugs and it is not a casual thing exept for those ppl who do them often. I know this post sounds cold but they are addictive.

[Princess777]

Lucy,

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that he kept it from you, (I know that hurts though) but the fact is that he did tell you the truth when you asked him, so give him credit for that. If this is the only time you've found to distrust him, you're doing well! Talk to him and ask him if he plans to quit. Funny I read this post, because my husband just told me a few days ago that he quit smoking it when we met because I had told him my views on it and I didn't even know he had smoked it before we met. He quit because he knew I wouldn't approve but he didn't tell me either. I think you're okay... just talk to him and tell him how much you dislike keeping secrets and see if maybe he'll quit. Try to help him quit if you can. good luck

Princess777

[lucy001]

My problem with this is the fact that 1) he was hiding it from me; 2) he thinks it's "ok" to drink and drive, apparently hasn't learned his lessons; 3) he's putting our future on the line, not just his; and, last but not least, 4) he apparently can't be himself or live HIS life like he wants to around me. I really don't want to be down the road 5 years from now, married to him, and he lets loose and has a major problem. I understand that I can't predict the future and I also don't want to take the roll of alcohol/drug police. I feel like that's what it's boiling down to. He can say that he's going to quit, but will I believe it now? Does he even want to quit? I don't know. I did talk to him about it last night but we didn't get into the particulars. All I know is that I have children in the house, I found it in his pants pockets and what if my daughter was doing a load of laundry and found it? She's 13 and I want to be a role model for her and this to me is not being a role model.

Thanks so much for everyone's input and keep the advice coming. I have some heavy thinking about this relationship to do and I like hearing everyone's point of view.

[Gunther]

THANKYOU! finally LoL, yes you should ask him if he wants to and will quit that is something that I over looked. But on the bright side it was not you daughter that found it, it was you and now you two can do something about it. Some people can quit habits after years and years my father smoked for 10 year {cigarets} he said he was going to quit at a certain night, he smoked till 12:00 then put out his last cigaret never smoked agian. But sometimes it is just easier for some ppl to quit things than others. if he is serious about not smoking mary jane {because i dont know how to spell marjawana

[oneboardus]

My b/f and I went to a wedding with his friends, they all smoke pot and drink, but my b/f doesn't. Well, I went off with his friends and smoked a little with them. I knew my b/f would get mad so I didn't tell him and when he asked me I lied and said I didn't . Then he asked his friends and they said I did. To make a long story short, I didn't lie to him to get away with it I lied to him because I knew he would throw a fit. I used to smoke all the time, but not because I had too just because it was there and it was fun. I stopped no problem for a couple years and now I only do it at party once in a while with old friends, (once or twice a year). The only thing I did wrong was lie about it. I do think I should be able to drink or smoke once in a while not all the time. My b/f doesn't drink hardly at all so when I drink he gets mad. He used to drink all the time and he said he actually had a problem because he would go to bars by himself and stuff. I have never done that and I wouldn't want to. My b/f has trust issues with me but I have been very faithful to him, I just am afraid of him judging me. Your man might feel the same way. But, since he has had DUI's in the past I think he needs to stop the drinking and driving. Have you ever offered to be the driver for him? Some guys like to go out with there friends and drink it up, it might help if you could be the designated driver sometimes. Anyway, I don't support drugs and drinking I just think that anything in moderation is okay, as long as it is done responsibly and doesn't hurt anyone else.

Hope this gives you a different point of view! BTW I grew up around drugs and drinking so I don't want to be with someone who drinks and smokes all the time. But, I could deal if they did it once or twice a year and the rest of the time they were responsible.

[Aura Seeker]

sorry bout the double post

[Aura Seeker]

It is a very big deal that he hid it from you, because if it was minor, he wouldn't have had to lie.

 

When I was using, I lived a double life, and that is exactly what he is doing with you. There is no honesty involved here when he is spending his time doing things he knows he shouldn't be doing.

 

I wouldn't take it lightly, especially if he has already told you he had a problem. If you have a problem when you are 20, it doens't go away, it lays sleeping until it becomes a run away train again in his life. Addictions never get better. The only way is to not use. He is using.

 

Just my opinion.

 

A