And I was doing so well...

[Firedancer03]

Hey MG,

 

Remember that NC does not require you to not want to be with your ex anymore in order to work. You can still heal even though you might want to be with your ex. NC may even lessen your desire to be with your ex. Might I suggest you read these 2 threads which address many of your fears about NC. I found them really helpful and reassuring, I think you will too

 

Courtesy of majord23:

 

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks for those links, I've read both of them before and they do help me a little, but it is still very, very difficult for me to think about... the thought of her being completely void from my life is not very pleasant. I know that I don't need to be with her to live my life, but I truly want to be with her, and I want to do whatever it takes to make that possible. (Note that I said make it possible, not make it happen, I realize that there is nothing I can do to force us to be together again.)

 

I don't know how I'll know when there has been enough NC, and I know that once I start it, she won't break it out of respect for me asking for NC. Is there something else I can say to her? I really don't want to do this, it feels so wrong... I can't explain it any other way than that it just feels wrong...

-AMG

[blender]

Why don't you just do this in "baby steps" one day at a time, just do NOT contact her, there is no rule that says you have to "declare no contact"...

 

If you are willing to do anything to give this relationship a healthy respectful chance at reconciliation, to make that a "possiblity" then walk through the emotional cement of doing "no contact" and build some self respecting muscle..

 

there is nothing more attractive than a man who has the self respect and self confidence to stand on his own...and to respectfully let the woman have her time and space without him if she is NOT ready to committ fully to him..it's time to set a standard and value for your own heart, if you do not do this, why would she?

 

and it will also allow you to heal and rediscover your own special qualities, that have NOTHING to do with her...

[AnonymousMG]

So you think the best way for NC would be to just start it without any warning? I don't want her to think that I'm mad at her, and if I just start NC, and stop responding to anything from her, that's what she's going to think. If I talk to her, then I have the problems that I mentioned before.

 

I don't know how to handle this...

[blender]

just have no contact, do NOT initiate any calls, if and when she does contact you and asks a direct question concerning "why" you are not callling or responding, then say a very edited, honest version of what she already knows and that would be:

 

"I really care about you, you know my feelings, and it's just too painful to just be your "buddy" right now, and I thought I could do that, but it's not sincere, and I always want us to be honest with each other, so please know "if" you ever want to make an intentional effort to commit to a relationship between us, then yes, you may contact me, but if you're still "not sure" then it's best and most respectful for us both that we do not have contact, I know you understand, and I wish you only happiness.."

 

See, this "defines you as a strong, confident, classy man" and IF she does NOT choose to understand YOUR feelings in all this, then what in the heck are you hoping to "build upon" in terms of a possible future with her? See if you don't define YOURSELF then there will never be any need for ANY WOMAN to rise to the occasion and want to make an effort to make YOU a priority..

 

you need to make YOURSELF A PRIORITY in YOUR own life first.. for right now you are both feeding her needs, her ego, her comfort... that will only lead to resentment, not only on your part, but on hers as well...

 

besides it's NOT honest to pretend to be "okay" as a "buddy" or just a guy 'who's hoping for more eventually" what is "attractive about that"? or Sincere about it? or Mature about it? YOU deserve an authentic, mature love and it starts with setting a boundary and standard for your own values.

[AnonymousMG]

That makes sense but is there any way that I can do something like that before I start the NC? I would rather talk to her about it ahead of time and explain it to her why I'm doing this, and that I thought that I would be able to handle things better but I couldn't. I don't want her to think that what I've done so-far was false. The idea of what to tell her is great, I just don't want there to be that time when she thinks that I'm mad at her. Sorry if I'm not making any sense.

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

I should mention that we have been in frequent communication for the past week and a half. So it will be fairly obvious to go from that to NC again.

-AMG

[blender]

You're making perfect sense, but it's okay if she gets mad at you, because sooner or later you will discover that true authentic mature long lasting respectful love take "understanding" from you and from the one you love.

 

You can not build a relationship on "fear" of what the other person might or might not think, you have to set standards for yourself and know that when the love is authentic and meant to be the other person will "understand" that your feelings are as important as thiers...

 

So for today the best thing you can do is to not initiate any contact... why is that a "bad" thing? What bothers you about getting busy enough with your own life, that she actually has to "wonder" why you are not calling, and if she cares enough and is mature enough she won't get "mad" she will get "concerned" and respectfully call you to ask you "why" you are not calling... why is that a "scary" idea for you?

 

Can you try to not initiate any contact for ahwile? and see what happens, and to also be emotionally respectfully prepared IF she calls to ask you "why" you are not calling?

 

And then to say what the "truth" of your feelings, and YOUR needs, and YOUR self respect, and "why" you feel it's best to give her the space and time she "wants" and to get on with your own life for now, until she is more "sure" if she wants to "try again" but until then, it's more respectful and healthy if you do NOT have contact...

[AnonymousMG]

Our recent contact has been about 50/50 in terms of who initiated it, if anything she has contacted me more frequently than I contacted her. Also, I'm not afraid of her being mad at me in terms of how it will effect the possibility of a future together, I just see it as unneccesary, and I would rather be upfront with her about things. I'm not worried about her being mad about me not calling, just about me not answering her calls or returning her messages.

 

Also, I will not be acting on any of this until after this coming weekend. I'm not sure how far back in this post you have read, but there are plans with a group of our friends that we're going snow tubing that I don't plan on cancelling.

-AMG

[blender]

okay, well you do whatever seems to "working in your self respecting favor" and be prepared to stand by whatever it is you choose to "explain to her" about no contact, once you announce it, it's important to have the courage to stick with it.... and I hope that you going to "snowtubing" is a good idea, for your own heart.... I know at some point you will grow beyond this heartache to live, laugh, love again.. with her, or with someone even more wonderfully suited to you....

[Firedancer03]

It is good that you want to be upfront with her about things, but there is no reason to contact her simply to tell her that you will no longer be contacting her. Why don't you try this: take it one day at a time and do not contact her. No calls, texts or anything. The next time she contacts you, be it tomorrow or a week from now, or even on the snow tubing trip, simply be upfront with her then. And if she cares about you and respects your feelings, she will not be mad at you, she will be understanding and respect your wishes.

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks blender, you've given me some great advice and I really appreciate it. On a side-note, does your name have anything to do with the 3d modeling/animation program?

 

Firedancer03, I don't want to do anything that will interfere with the snow tubing trip. We have a very close circle of friends, and I don't want to put anybody in the awkward position of being involved in this anymore than they already are. I would also rather talk to her about this in person, it's just a personal preference of mine to have any important conversations face to face. I'm not going to initiate contact with her until then, but I've been doing that anyway for the most part recently. I mentioned in a previous post that her school is on my way home from work and I'm still on break for a while longer than she is so I'll have sufficient time to arrange something after work some day. The problem is that in order for that to work, I would have to plan the time when we saw each other. It's a bit of a dilemma.

-AMG

[Firedancer03]

Thats great you want to do it in person, it shows integrity and I'm sure she'll appreciate that. Maybe after the snowtubing trip just before you guys are about to head home you could ask her if there was a time you guys could get together and just go from there? Of course, if NC is still something you feel strong enough to stick to. If you don't feel strong enough to do NC yet, thats ok. Then you could take some time until you are ready. Remember we are always here for you 24/7!

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks Firedancer, I still hope that some miracle happens and NC won't be necessary, but I am not going to try and force anything to happen that she isn't ready for. I love her, and I respect her, and though she wants to be friends with me, I am not being a true friend to her if the only thing on my mind when I see her is to be with her again. She told me the other day that it's difficult for her to think of the future and I'm starting to truly understand what she means by that. If I try to think any further in the future than the next few days, it gets so overwhelming. Especially thinking about starting NC again...

 

I know over the past few days I have felt so close to her, I can only hope that she's felt some of the same things. Hope is what drives me, and right now I feel pretty strong. I know in a matter of hours or even minutes I could be thinking something entirely different.

 

I was just thinking about everything she has said to me recently again, and I truly believe that she does have feelings for me still, but part of the reason that she initially broke up with me was because she felt guilty thinking about somebody else while she was with me. If she is still confused, that means that she still has feelings about him now too, she isn't going to get into a relationship with me again if that is still the case. That also means that she won't get into a relationship with him if she still has feelings for me. He goes to the same school as her, I'm getting worried about NC in this situation... I know that this isn't easy for her either, and if I start NC, if she comes to me to talk about it and I'm not there for her, she'll go to him instead.

 

Things get more confusing by the minute...

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

Well I haven't had any contact with her at all today... I have to admit I was hoping for some kind of contact from her. Not to the point of waiting by the phone, but I did check my cell quite often to see if I missed a call... one day doesn't mean anything though...

-AMG

[blender]

one day DOES make a difference, going "no contact" one day at a time is all that you can do for now... you need to take time to re-gain your sense of self, and know that your identity and happiness is NOT wrapped up in her, it's just simply NOT.. you are going to get through this, once you "let go" and really make a choice to have no contact with her, and to not go where she is going to be, until you can heal, and be emotionally less vulnerable... take care of you right now...

[AnonymousMG]

The thing is that it wasn't one day of NC, i haven't started NC yet, it was just one day that she hasn't talked to me. Also, I feel that I regained my sense of self the first time I did NC. I know it may not seem like it, but I feel that I don't need to be with her, I just want to be with her. I feel fine about not talking to her at all today, I just still feel really worried about NC being the right thing... I'm sorry that I keep saying that and that I feel that, but it's really difficult for me to convince myself. I know its stereotypical, but I'm afraid that she's never going to be in my life again at all. I love her, and the thought of that happening is absolutely terrifying...

-AMG

[blender]

Well, it may "seem" terrifying to not "maybe" not have her in your life, but the truth is, you don't have any idea what wonderful things AND people, especially woman are in the future for you.

 

Sure you "want" to be with her, but fate doesn't always give us what we "want" when we "want" it, but it always gives us what we "need".

 

And perhaps right now you "need" gather up your courage and self respect, and even though you "fear' no contact would make her "forget about you" (which it won't, it usually makes someone think "more" about and "more" of you)...

 

well it's time to maybe think this all the way through, and think to yourself, would YOU be attracted to a girl who was "just there all the time" and would you then become "just polite" when talking to her, and respectful of the "history you shared" and when you went back to school and all the "new" people in your life were there, and you were on your life journey, and you "knew" someone was just "always there back home" would you "worry, wonder, want to make sure you call them?" or would you just think, "they'll always just be there, they would never have the courage or self respect to stand up to me and let me know "it's too painful" to just be friends right now... so I will not have to be concerned or show any effort towards that person, they are just "there".

 

It's sometimes the person that presents the "challenge" and who makes us "rise to a new level of respect" and who "requires that we treat them as a priority" well sometimes that is the person you can never get out of your mind, and who you "hope" you can be with and keep in your life..but without going "no contact" she never gets the opportunity to actually put you in this category..right? because sometimes this is the case..

 

However, if YOU are okay with just being her "friend" than it's so great that you can continue to be in her life.. that's wonderful, BUT, if it proves to be too painful for you, or you are constantly pretending to be okay if and when she does talk about other guys or goes out with other guys, etc.. well then it's time to move on, go no contact, and let her live with the consequence of not having you "just there" for awhile..

 

and if "no contact" with you, "makes her" talk to other guys, so be it, even though she might be "turning to some other guy", trust that she will be thinking about WHO/YOU she does NOT have the freedom to just call.... and soon the newness with the new guy will wear off, and she might have the opportunity after "no contact" to think: "god I wish I could still call him (you), but I better not, unless I really intentionally want to try again as a couple..hmmm...I do miss him, I guess I'm realizing that now...now that he's had the self respect to give me space, and to go be happy on his own...ugh..I think I really do miss him".

 

Just some thoughts..

[AnonymousMG]

Thanks blender, that post was very, very helpful. She told me at one point that she is putting a lot of faith in fate and in the belief that if we are meant to be together, that will be the outcome of whatever happens. I am going to just have to start having that faith myself.

-AMG

[AnonymousMG]

Well she called me today, she invited my friend and I to go to a movie with her. Also tomorrow night we're going to watch the track meet for our high school (we were both on the team). Hopefully that will go well...

-AMG

[blender]

Great, go if you are okay and emotionally sound enough for YOU to just be her "buddy"... make sure you are doing what is best for YOU.

[kellbell]

I agree with Blender, you have to do what is best for you. Have fun and good luck.

[AnonymousMG]

Well I'm going to just see how things go for the rest of this week, and if things don't change I might still go NC... This isn't a date tonight by any means, we're just going as a group of friends, and tomorrow night isn't either. I know I want to be more than friends with her, but for right now I want to see what happens.

-AMG

[blender]

If you are sure you can "handle" pretending to be "okay" with being in her group of "friends" right now, then go ahead, but if it's too painful it's always okay to just stay away.. it's classy, and it will empower you to grow past her.. and then maybe she might 'see" YOU more clearly... but more importantly YOU will see yourself more worthy...

[AnonymousMG]

Well we didn't go to the movies... we played games and watched a movie at her house... There was just one other person there (one of our best friends), and I stayed a few minutes later than him to talk to her.

 

Over the course of the night, they talked about other friend's breakups, and about their thoughts on marriage. (When she mentioned that she def. didn't have any desire to get married before 26 and she wanted to "go wild" before she got married) We then watched Mickey Blue Eyes. If you haven't heard of it, it has Hugh Grant in it, that is probably self explanatory.

 

The night wasn't exactly going great for me as you can tell... When I asked her if I could stay an extra few minutes to talk to her, I don't really know what I planned on saying, but stuff kinda just started coming out of my mouth. For anybody who has experienced this amazing feat of uncontrollable babbling, you know it isn't a good thing.

 

I started by apologizing for being quiet earlier and explained it was because of the things that they were talking about. I then mentioned that I was also sorry for kissing her on the cheek new years morning. She said it was all ok, and I told her it wasn't and it isn't normal for friends to kiss each other. She didn't really have anything to say to that, and then there was some awkward silence. I told her sorry for doing anything wrong that caused what happened between us (I know, big mistake).

 

There is a guy at her school that has been hitting on her (and she doesnt' like it) that she has talked about to me a few times. I compared myself to him and said that I was doing all the same things that she complained about him doing. She then told me that it wasn't the same thing, and I'm nothing like him. At some point before this part of the 'conversation' she hugged me differently than most times recently, I can't pick up on exactly what it was, but it just felt different, like she was trying to hold on to me.

 

She told me not to be sorry for any of that and that led to me saying that I can't get over her. I said that I haven't changed the way I act towards her at all since everything happened and she said "maybe can't notice, but [she] can."

 

I told her that I had felt like this break was my last chance to see if things would work out between us because once she got back to school it would just be over. I told her that when she got back to school she would just get busy and I wouldn't matter at all anymore. She said that she wasn't going to forget about me.

 

At some point she said "I don't know what's going to happen" in a manner to say "who knows we might get together again" (this isn't just wishful thinking, that is the context that it was said in, but my brain is a jumble and I can't remember much else of that part...

 

I was supposed to be picking her up on the way from work to the track meet tomorrow, but she asked me if I wanted to still do that or not. I told her I would, and she said that I might not still feel that way tomorrow. We left it at me calling her when I leave work tomorrow to tell her what's going on.

 

I left without a hug goodbye, and didn't look back in the window to see her as I walked to my car.

 

I am in a real mess right now... Sorry if that was incoherent... I could use some help please...