I am at a total LOSS & need some intelligent ADVICE

[justme3924]

I am having a major problem because my relationship is so confusing now. I will give you a synopsis:

 

Back in November of 2002 my girlfriend and I of four years had been having problems for about a year. It was mostly petty stuff but it kinda snowballed out of control. We both reached a point where we were threatening to leave each other every time we got heated. I really love this woman and have since the day I met her and I believe she loves me deeply too. But petty stuff along the way began to create baggage and in November of 2002 we had a major fight over the same stuff we always fought about and I was really frustrated and this time I said ok "its over". Well this same situation had happened to me from her before but this time I was really frustrated and I did the immature deed. Well the next morning I went over and apologized and said hey we need to go get some counseling or something to learn how to better deal with this stuff. She said no way its over. Well, long story short it took me about two weeks but she finally gave in and said ok. We planned some counseling but couldn't get in until after X-mas. We made an appointment for January but then one of my best friends was killed in a plane crash and I was forced to cancel. Anyways, we never went in for counseling. Then in February the same type of fight happened and the same thing went down to a T. We were both in the wrong. The next day I said here we are again this isn't working the way we are doing it we need some help. She wouldn't give me the time of day. She said she needed a week to think about us continuing the relationship and I said ok and hung tight. A week later we get together and she tells me this relationship wasn't right for her anymore. I was devastated! I couldn't understand how a she could write me a wonderful letter no more then 3 weeks earlier telling me how I mean the world to her and how she cant wait to we get married and have kids. Yada, Yada, Yada. I pretty much begged and pleaded for us to give it six months and go to counseling and see if we can learn a better way to understand each other. To make this short for two months I tried everything I could. I was blamed, made to feel worthless and pretty much just driven into the ground by her. After trying all that I could and her being so very cold to me I said "hey I don't deserve this" I must move on. I even went in and talked to someone for a month so that I could clear my head without involving those who know and cared about me and worry them. After one last attempt I thought to myself how unfair this was and I said in my mind " I don't deserve this! I have done all I could do I have done my best to make things right and try to turn over a new leaf with her. Forget it. I am a good natured guy who is very loyal and committed I shouldn't have to chase the woman who told me she wanted to be with me forever around. I would have done just about anything but the "Hard-girl" role she plaid with me just wore me out when I was laying it all on the table.

 

So one night after being apart for about three months I went out by myself and met two very cool girls. I became friends with both of them and it was nice to have a girl to vent to. Anyways long story short. One of these girls I met became friends with benefits we just had a lot in common and neither of us were attached and maybe a little lonely. So we began to be intimate together on occasion. It was really nothing more for me I didn't see a future nor did either one of us want one it was just nice being easy together something very low maintenance. Yet, I was still very heart broken and in love with my ex. I really missed her very badly and I was torn between feeling guilty for being with someone to being angry she would go the distance for us.

 

My ex catches wind of the fact that I have been hanging out with a girl and next thing you know here she is again. I would see her drive by on occasion to check up on me and all of the sudden after being a complete jerk to me when I was a bleeding heart she somehow is having second thoughts. She starts calling and asking me questions about my involvement with this other girl. I had never lied to her ever in four years but at this point I felt it was none of her business. She didn't want to be with me anymore when I would have done anything. Long story short here again: One day I am packing up my truck to go camping with my new "friend" and here comes my ex down the road. My new friend was to be here within the ½ our. Well my ex shows up hysterical and confronts me asking if I have been with this girl and frankly at this point I was a little scared of her and what how she might react so I say no. It was a lie. I would have told the truth if it wasn't such an awkward circumstance. I hate to lie or be lied to. But I did what I thought at the time was best. I truly did think it was the best thing to do at that moment. I wasn't involved anymore with her and her standing in my front yard as I await my friend to go out of town wasn't the best situation either. So I go out of town. When I get back my ex has taken the liberty to use an extra key to my house and let herself in and go through my stuff and email. In addition, she has piled everything I ever gave her in a pile in my living room with an evil letter. She took the opportunity of me being gone to do her own investigation into things.

 

FAST FORWARD

 

Things got ugly but I still loved her so much. She told me that she would forgive me for being with another woman while apart if I could forgive her. I understand that people do things they don't mean sometimes so I conceded. The deal was to go to consoling and do things right from now on. My friend that I spoke of earlier was very understanding and cool about everything. She was a true friend and honestly just wanted me to be happy. She stepped aside. But both her and I wanted to just be friends from here on out plus she was moving a few hours away to a different city. So I get back together with my ex and hope to keep my friend as a long distance pen-pal. She was a very real person and very respectful she never would overstep her bounds. Myself I am ultra loyal and have always been to both friends and girlfriends. But my ex insisted I never speak to this friend ever again. I held my ground tooth and nail that – that really wasn't fair. Long story short there after a month of saying that is unrealistic I finally gave in and agreed to break the now plutonic friendship off for the betterment of my relationship with the woman I love. I did so reluctantly because this was a person who really cared about me and not what I could do for her but for me and vice versa. Its rare and I saw that so it was hard.

 

FAST FORWARD

 

So now I have broken the friendship off and we have been going to consoling for two months now. But my ex is obsessed with the fact I was with someone else. Her moods fluctuate. One moment everything is fine the next she is standoffish with me because "she gets visions of me with the other girl". It's a roller coaster ride. There isn't any consistency to our relationship. One moment everything is great but then I find myself with someone who doesn't seem to really care for me. She is excessively emotional, she focuses on things that aren't healthy & we don't move forward. I have been with her for four years. I love her but I have come to a point were I am much more clear on what I want in life. I feel like I am a horrible person when I am not - I do so many things that many guys don't. I am giving with my communication, love, understanding, commitment and time. Nothing seems to be good enough. She has always had a problem letting go of stuff but this thing is really dragging me down. I am 28 now I met her when I was 24, I love her but I don't know what to do. I know this is a lot but I really need some intelligent advice from some of you. It will be very much appreciated and taken to heart.

[S4il]

WOW!!!...that is a story, very emotional for you, and was for me to read, I felt a lot of jealousness from her side, as if she was MAD at the fact you had been seeing someone else while you 2 were apart..that isn't fair, and should have never been brought up. I want to say "move on" forget about her and what she thinks, it's not worth it anymore...But Hey! 2nd chances are what makes things better. Or Worse. I think it's only getting worse my friend, One Important thing you Lost..

 

1.) a Really Good Friend, someone that respected you leaving and cutting off communication, to be with your EX. Now that you lost a good friend, and she most likely realizes this, she feels like she can control you, knowing that no matter what she says/Does to make you hurt/Angry whatever emotions she puts on your shoulders....Your going to still love her, and come back. I'm not trying to say "YOUR ON A CHAIN" but that is almost the feeling I'm getting when i was reading all the details about your camping trip, and how she broke into your house..WENT threw PRIVATE E-mails, and Rummaged threw personal things. and than had the Nerve to Throw everything you ever gave her into a pile, In the Middle of your Living room, With a EVIL note.....I would be furious.. And would probably never talk to her again. to let her COME CRAWLING BACK...but she flipped the script on YOU.

 

By accepting her Apology, it told her "OK everything is gravy" But in retrospect that feeling of everything being cool, was soon replaced with her DEEP thoughts and wonder of her mind, Thinking of you and that Other Girl...Dude! that is so Unfair. and now a big Eruption of emotions are being pitched left and right...For what???? You did nothing wrong, you were just trying to move on. because she wasn't taking what you POURED OUT to her after your Split, You almost begging, crying out for her to take you back, and now i see that re-occurring again, even with the counseling you have gone too. she still brings up things from the past. That isn't a healthy relationship, & I'm sure you know that..! i can't say or cloak and dagger my way threw what shes about (or) thinking about you inside because i don't know her. But damn, it's Quite Obvious She has problems with that past Friendship/relationship and WONT let it Rest, that is NOT a good thing, You need to ask yourself a few DEEP questions, Writing them down sometimes helps. and than go over than and answer them truthfully, AND DON'T LET HER SEE THIS PAPER IF YOU DO, burn it...because you need to start asking yourself do you want to Live, or be confronted with this "problem" that doesn't show signs of going away?

[autumn]

What struck me, was that you actually felt you had to answer to her when she pulled up and asked you about your new relationship...

 

You lied to her, and she knew it. My opinion - you should have told her that it's not her business and should have stood your ground on that. Never once, have you given her a sense that you matter, or that your feelings matter. She is in total control - you even mention that you are scared of her.

 

I know how that feels. I also give up control easily. I love and then become a "softy" and then the woman can do whatever she feels. However, if I was separated from her, I would not let her step beyond her boundaries. What she did was probably even illegal - entering your place and going through your stuff, seeing that you were not together.

 

My perspective is that you should show another side of yourself, and this will take some guts, but she may see you as a man if you do...Put aside the feelings and emotions, and put on your head. Address the relationship as it truly is. You're hiding from the truth. You're avoiding issues. Admit what happened, and tell her why. Tell her how you felt, and tell her how you feel now. Instead of saying, "I love you and feel so much for you and want to be together for the rest of my life, etc...", I'd say something like, "I know what I want in life. I've chosen you because I think (not feel) that you are compatible with my long term plans. etc." get the drift? Show her that you are in charge (of yourself, not her).

 

Then there's some of us who find it difficult to find satisfying and peaceful relationships. We always somehow end up finding "conflict." This may be a groove you need to get out of. Seeing yourself as you are is not an easy thing. I've actually started seeing a personal counsellor about this. I've been going through about 2 years of personal "change" and only now feel like I really know a bit of who I am. I guess what I'm getting at is that you need more self-respect. You are looking for love and keep getting hurt. You'd like to step out of yourself and look at you - if you were your best friend (look in a mirror), and you saw yourself being treated like that, what would you tell your best friend? You'd probably tell them, "i know you...you don't deserve to be treated like this...respect yourself, etc." The irony in all of this is, that people feel this in you...they actually start respecting you more, when you have self respect and demand that.

 

Good luck, and God Help you.