Without wood a fire dies

[drum4god]

For those who like to read the bible, that is a scripture in Proverbs 26:20.

 

I read it the other day, and it really hit home about what I'm going through with my girlfriend. I have been with her for a year, and I just wanted to vent. I am in love with her, but I have to admit that fire inside I have is starting to fade. I don't feel like I am priority in her life. I sometimes feel like she is going through the motions. Sometimes I feel like she is in love with me, and when I feel it its incredible.

 

But sometimes when you reflect and look back, you start to open your eyes. You start to think maybe she really doesn't love you. You start to think, perhaps she is too comfortable knowing that I will always be there for her, knowing I am easy-going, and very forgiving. She knows I am great guy, who is handsome, outgoing, funny who everyone loves, including her family. She knows I am in love with her, and would go through a brick wall for her. She knows I want to marry her. She knows I pray for her everyday, and want the best for her.

 

However, what she doesn't know, is my heart is starting to turn. She doesn't know how strong I am (though she got a taste of it, she broke up with me in January, and I didn't call, beg, or e-mail for 9 weeks, strict NC, and she came back), she doesn't realize that my life doesn't revolve around her. She doesn't realize that when she act indifferent, she is pushing me away. She doesn't realize I am not going to grovel for her love anymore. She doesn't realize that if she says she is not sure about her feelings I will leave this time, and for good.

 

She doesn't realize that by doing little things, by saying I love you first, or responding to an e-mail (I send an e-mail with pictures of us, and she didn't respond or say anything about it), she doesn't realize that if she doesn't change she is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to her.

 

She doesn't realize that

 

WITHOUT WOOD A FIRE DIES!

[fnlyfrei]

Yeah...so stop giving her warmth for free !!!! Maybe when she wakes up one day and it's cold...and you are not there providing free heat....she will realize that she is missing something good....

 

You deserve to receive those things which you give in return....and you know it ! If not from her....there will be someone who you will fall head over heels for, and she for you.

 

I know this because...I had a horrible few years..with relationships that sent me into a spiral of depression and really made me question what was wrong with ME....

 

The key was I found someone who honestly loves me in kind. Who does not play on my insecurites...some people think if you love them that they have some kind of power over you.

 

Only if you let them. In real love, the only kind of power that works is our power to lift someone up and just love them unconditionally.

 

That's the good stuff.

[doyathink]

Try showing modesty...thats a real turn on. Boasting about how 'good' you are is such a turn off. My ex...and such a 'christian'.....was always telling me how good looking he was, how the girls would flirt ...SO! Humble yourself a tad bit....that, my friend, is honorable...

 

I always felt that he was so into himself that I never wanted to compliment him on anything, his head would swell anytime someone said something nice to him, it was like he was saying...'yeah, I'm good, I know'. Perhaps that is why she is reserved when it comes to feeding your ego as well.

[heloladies21]

All of these things that she doesn't realize are up to you to get her to notice. If she does something which bothers you and you keep your mouth shut, it is very much your fault for not bringing it up. She's no mind reader here.

[drum4god]

Try showing modesty...thats a real turn on. Boasting about how 'good' you are is such a turn off. My ex...and such a 'christian'.....was always telling me how good looking he was, how the girls would flirt ...SO! Humble yourself a tad bit....that, my friend, is honorable...

 

I always felt that he was so into himself that I never wanted to compliment him on anything, his head would swell anytime someone said something nice to him, it was like he was saying...'yeah, I'm good, I know'. Perhaps that is why she is reserved when it comes to feeding your ego as well.

 

No, I am not that way. While I agree I could work on the humility. I don't lift myself up. I don't walk around like I am God's gift to women. I don't talk down to people, I don't talk about how great am I, because I know I am not. Sometimes I am confident, but I am not overconfident. Sometimes I don't feel confident. I'm normal. I just believe I am good man that has given this women my heart. I given my all to this relationship and I don't feel she has her whole heart in this. It bothers me, because I never forced her to be with me. I have told her many times if she doesn't feel the same way to leave, but she doesn't. Not too long ago, we broke up briefly and she called me up appologizing saying she loves me, and I go back to her. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't.

 

I guess I am just frustrated because I love this woman, and I feel I have been good to her. I feel I am good man, but I feel she is taking me for granted. If that is not modest, than label me a conceited pig.

[fnlyfrei]

My ex is a christian too...and really used it as a sword at first...god was on his side when we broke up for sure. I guess he hoped lightning would strike me for not loving him....

Gosh...I guess I thought the Christian way of thinking was the way of love and forgiveness....

I do not think that drum4god is bragging about how great he is...and I do not feel that he is using his faith inappropriately here...he is just stating the facts.

The other day I was talking to an ex bf who was trying to put me down in some subtle ways during a conversation...I told him that no one...and nothing would get me down because I AM AWESOME ! He sneered at me. I don't care. It's okay to reassure yourself. Especially when it seems someone is trying to tell you otherwise.

[doyathink]

Aw, I'm not labeling you a conceited pig.

I had to look this scripture up...I read from the NIV..

It says; Fire goes out for lack of fuel,

and tensions disappear when gossip stops.

 

To me, this is saying...when we hold our tongue and stop talking trash....then we stop adding fuel to the fire and thereforeeee essentially putting an end to the gossip...and 'tension' of the situation.

[blahblah2006]

Hey man, just tell her. If she gets mad and storms off, then you know she wouldnt have changed. But if she sits there and seriously conciders it then thats great. Trust me i am like you i will die for a girl i love, but dont make the mistake i made. It hurts so much, if she wont change and she even says it. Dont just go on hoping that one day she will wake up and be a different person, because most likely it wont happen.

 

I did that for 5 months, i just held on. Hoping, My life sucked, i couldnt think, i lost so much weight, and was depressed. A girl that loves you and you love her you wouldnt go through this. At least give her a chance to change. Thats all anyone could ask for.

 

About your scripture, I believe in God and read the bible, and i can tell you this, 1 billion people could read that scripture and get something different. So what you got out of that scripture was for you, others may not see it the same.

 

I hope it works out

[allgood]

yeah broz just ell her like blahblah2006 said

 

so many relationships breakdown because they dont talk. put ur armour off since u love this girl. if ur both christian and loving this relationship, then tell her everything. remember both of u will become 1 if u do ever get married. so u gotta tell her wats bothering u, girls arent mind readers, even though girls can really confuse the crap out of us.

 

talk to her man, dont bottle it in till it burts.

 

pls broz, it sounds ur in an awesome relationship. god bless

[drum4god]

yeah broz just ell her like blahblah2006 said

 

so many relationships breakdown because they dont talk. put ur armour off since u love this girl. if ur both christian and loving this relationship, then tell her everything. remember both of u will become 1 if u do ever get married. so u gotta tell her wats bothering u, girls arent mind readers, even though girls can really confuse the crap out of us.

 

talk to her man, dont bottle it in till it burts.

 

pls broz, it sounds ur in an awesome relationship. god bless

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

I want to talk to her, but the holidays are coming and the times are very stressfull enough. I want to enjoy the time without the drama.

I will have a talk with her. Kind of like a state of the union.

 

I have to admit, I feel she is in control. It really bothers me. Its like she can do what she wants. She knows she has me, there is nothing to work for. I asked her if she wanted to come to my Aunt's for Christmas eve, and she said no. It bothered me alot, and I told her my feelings about it. She was stern saying she doesn't like to be talked into doing something she doesn't want to do. I guess I can respect that. I mean I don't want her to be somewhere she doesn't want to go. But it would be nice to spend it with her. She then told me that I can come over her house on Christmas if I'd like. I told her the way she says it is as if she can take couldn't care if I came or not. She just said sorry, and thats it. I asked her if she understood what I was saying, and she said I understand, and that is it. Its like she doesn't even want to talk about it. She then said she had to go, and thats it. She did have plans so it wasn't as if she was trying to get me off the phone, but I hung up frustrated.

 

I guess I'm frustrated that when I share what I'm feeling, it comes off needy. Its not like I'm whining, or crying or anything. I tell her what I feel, but when she doesn't seem to respond it drives me crazy. I don't know.

 

I hope we have a good Christimas, I really do. I have had many relationships, and I can honestly say I never had a great Christmas in any of the relationships. I was either with someone who didn't love me, or someone I didn't love. And it always seem that something goes wrong. I pray for once, that I have a great Christmas with my girlfriend. Then again, I can have a great Christmas and a bad 2007, so I guess in the grand scheme of things its not that important.

 

Again, I will just have to be cool, and then I will have a talk with her. I have to know what she wants, and I have to tell her what I need. I have made it known to her I want to get married to her. I love her, and she knows this. I don't pressure her, and I have even given her many chances to book without any begging or pleading. So I don't know.

 

I have to find out what does she want. It really baffles me. She says she loves me, but she told me once she isn't in love with me, but still wants to work it out, because she has felt it at times, and feels in time she will fall in love. I wish I pressed her on that, but I didn't.

 

I would like to know why people keep you hanging around. In some ways its cruel. I never did that to anyone. If I didn't like them, I wouldn't play with their feelings. I understand its hard to hurt someone, but she knows I will be O.K. She knows I won't jump off a building if she breaks up with me.

 

Its odd. I went NC after our first breakup, and in someways it may be backfiring. She knows if she dumps me, I won't beg her back. I won't call her, or e-mail. She knows I will move on, because I did it the first time (9 weeks strict NC). So perhaps she knows if she breaks up with me, its for good.

 

I don't know. Sorry I know I am going in circles. It feels good to vent. It feels good to know people have been through what you have been through. I am strong, and whatever happens I will be O.K. But I am not going to lie, if this doesn't work out, its going to really hurt, and I don't want to go through another heartbreak. I have had enough.

 

I am not that difficult a person. I am easy going, outgoing, attractive, and love people, but I always seem to attract difficult, emotionally unavailable people. I really have to look into that.

[heloladies21]

but she told me once she isn't in love with me, but still wants to work it out, because she has felt it at times, and feels in time she will fall in love..

This is a big problem and everytime I've heard something like this on here, a break up is innevitable.

 

but I always seem to attract difficult, emotionally unavailable people.

Nope. Any girl who isn't truly in love with some guy is emotionally available, so you meet emotionally available women. Your current gf is one of them. The reason why you keep getting caught in this cycle of relationships that start out fine and gradually spiral downward till you're miserable and get dumped/cheated on is all because of the way you handle relationships in general.

 

I mean you sound like a nice guy to me, a really good guy that I'd be able to trust, but there are other parts of your personality which push girls away. Like being overly passive as in "you can stay or go, either way is fine with me" tells her that you don't care about her. I personally believe that you love her, but this is the way it's coming accross to her. You never get jealous and you would only get jealous over someone you care about. You also don't stick up for yourself enough and this also tells her that you don't really care about her and have low self confidence. Like for example if my girl rejected me the way yours did about comgin to a family event, I'd light her up. She'd either see my way, or we'd be done talking for good. I know it seems harsh, but she was being way out of line and this needs a certain level of reaction to show you care and have confidence. If my gf sounded indifferent with whether I came with her or not, I'd also light her up again. I'd start an all out argument because in that case, she's being wrong.

 

Generating self confidence is so hard to do if you don't have it. It takes so much psychological and emotional strength. But if you want to break the cycle and start having successful relationships, you're going to have to make a change. Cause one thing is for sure, if you keep doing what you're doing, you will continue to get the same results.

[drum4god]

Dude,

 

Thanks. Your post was the kick in the a-ss I needed. You are right, I need to display more confidence. The sad part is I am confident. I honestly feel, I can go into a club and pick up any chick I want, and I believe it. Its just when I fall in love, I turn to mush. Why, I don't know?

 

You said you would light your girlfriend up if she didn't want to attend to a family event, but I told her I was upset. I mean I didn't blow up, because that is not my personality. If I did, it would probably scare her. I have to be true to myself. I can't try and be someone else. However, I do agree I have to be a little more assertive in some areas. I really do.

I have it in me to be assertive, but sometimes I just don't know how.

 

Its hard to turn the tables on her. I hate to make this a game, but I gave her my power, and I need to get it back. If she is out of line I have to call her out.

 

Let me give you an example. Today I am talking to her, and she just doesn't seem like she wants to talk. I am getting one word answers, she doesn't initiate convo, and I said, its seem like you don't want to talk. She said she is feeling a little tired. I honestly felt like saying, listen I will let you go. Talk to me, when you want to talk. I really wanted to, but I have no balls.

 

I guess I am afraid to rock the boat. Typically nice guy trait, that ruins us.

[heloladies21]

You have a good grasp of the problem! You know what needs to be changed, but just don't know how. Lucky for you there's an example out there. If you get VH1, check out that Hogan Knows Best show with the Hulkster. The way he deals with conflict is very great. It ultra confident in tone, voice inflection, body language. He's very direct and never wastes any time in getting to the bottom of the issue. And it's not just because he's a big guy or a star, this is the way he is.

 

And that perception of not changing is an incorrect one to have. I personally won't change for anyone either, but if you see something that works and makes sense to you, you have every right to absorb that into your own personality. It doesn't make you fake at all as the way you are now is a result of all of the previous stimulous you've received throughout your life (Media, friends, family). They have all shaped you whether you wanted them to or not and this is the same way. It's learning, that's all.

 

You're a lot closer to solving this that you realize. It's only one last step you need to take. Taking it might be tough, but it's still only one step.