Gf just broke up with me... I'm a mess

[wayner427]

I've been feeling really crappy today.. I really want her back. Is there anything that anyone can suggest that I do to try to get her back?

 

She basically said that because I tried weed before, she thinks I'm irresponsible and not levelheaded, and that I'm not the person that she imagined. I've told her that all I did was try it, and that does not reflect who I am. This happened Sunday, and ever since we have not talked to each other at all. I did call her for the first time last night, but she didn't pick up and I left a voicemail. I'm thinking if there is anything I could say or email to maybe get her back. She has finals on Monday and Tuesday, and I was thinking that if I were to contact her, it should be after her finals. Anything I could do? or should I just not do anything at all?

[rocio]

I suspect that this was not so much the REASON she broke it off, but rather the catalyst or a "justification" for her that you were two different people.

 

I agree with this. It seems highly unlikely that things would have worked out, even if you hadn't told her about the weed. You left her a message. Give her a chance to respond. If she doesn't, well, she's not interested.

 

Best of luck.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Wayner,

 

I am sorry to hear that you're having a bad day today

I agree w/ RayKay, Friscodj, and others that you taking weed may not necessarily have been the reason for your gf breaking up with you; it was simply the reason SHE gave you to justify the breakup.

Admittedly, everyone's position on weed is different but even so, I too am finding it a bit hard to believe that this was THE reason for your break-up.

 

(This is neither here nor there, I suppose, but my ex blurted, one day, that he had tried it once or twice, and to be honest, I was flabbergasted that he felt the need to come clean w/ me about this matter as it happened in the past. I appreciated the fact that he told me but I was not sure why he thought I would care. I am mentioning this merely to point out that I guess for some people it could be a dealbreaker but EVEN SO, I am not quite certain this was the case for you guys.)

 

For now, I would let go of the weed issue; I understand that you want her back and also the need to set the record straight about the weed so that she can let go of the misunderstanding and give you another chance. But like others have said, I suspect this was just a catalyst that confirmed certain things about you that she was troubled about prior to your mentioning it.

 

I agree with you: if this is her finals week and if you really must break NC, I would wait until they are over bc you may not get a real conversation out of her at this point ...

 

(W, I also wanted to add that even though it may be difficult, please don't forget to take care of yourself ... eat, sleep, hang out w/ offline friends, etc etc ... )

 

Hang in there ...

[wayner427]

Thanks ellie. It's just so hard for me to let go. It's killing me thinking about what she's thinking right now. I want to write one last email describing everything I'm feeling and asking how she is feeling, but I don't know if I should.

 

I'm so depressed.. A lot of times I just lie in my bed, feeling my heart throbbing in pain.

[wayner427]

I got an email today in response to my voicemail I left her yesterday. She wrote this:

 

"Thanks for the message! I've been studying like crazy the past few

days. Finally got the project done. Whew! I'll call you next Friday."

 

Should I respond with anything back to this email? and how should I act when she calls me.. Should I just act like everything is okay, or tell her how i'm hurting..?

[Ellie2006]

Wayner,

I would say wait. Let her initiate contact. And when she calls next friday, do NOT tell her how much you're hurting; instead hear her out first.

 

Now since you have a date set for contact, in the meantime, please get some rest! You want to be in the best possible form -- emotionally, mentally, and physically -- when she calls so that you guys can approach this issue w/ a clear head. What do you think?

[wayner427]

I'm not sure that she would bring the issue up. Should I just conversate normally? It's going to hurt a bit doing that, knowing that we're not together. I would be really tempted to say how i feel and hurt, but I'll try hard not to.

[Ellie2006]

Sorry W, maybe I missed something but why would she call you after NC just to talk about some random stuff? Especially if she is responding to the message you left her?

[Ellie2006]

Okay sorry W, I think I may have misread some of your posts.

 

I can see why you're confused as I too am somewhat bewildered by her lighthearted email ...

 

Did you guys agree to remain friends post break-up?

[wayner427]

She doesn't know about NC. It was just something for myself to try not to contact her. She hasn't talked to me since the breakup partly because she's been really busy with school, and I'm thinking she said she'd call me just to call back since I left her a voicemail. She chose next friday because that's when her grad school application deadlines are.

[Ellie2006]

W,

I know you said you have been going out for 3 months but were friends for a long time prior. LDRs are tough and the biggest factor in its success is if you guys have a concrete plan in place to get rid of the LD factor ...

 

Were you guys talking at all about what's going to happen after she gets into grad school? Was she applying to schools near where you live? Or did you have plans to move out to where she would end up going to school?

 

Do you think this may have influenced her decision for the breakup?

[wayner427]

She had planned on going to Austin for grad school, which isn't far from where I am (Houston). I also had planned to look for a job in Austin, as they have a good market for the stuff that I do. The outlook of it all was very promising in my eyes..

[wayner427]

I wrote this list of 10 reasons why I love her.. and I'm not sure if I should send it or not. I kind of feel that I have nothing to lose.. and it is really how I feel. Should I even send it? and if i do, should I email it or mail a letter?

[friscodj]

Hey Wayne-

 

Oh man, I'm away for the weekend and come back to read this latest development. Believe me Wayne, I have been here and done this, everything you've done my friend.

 

In short, I think you are doing exactly the right thing by chasing her. Why do I say this? Because my conviction and clarity with this situation came from my personal experiences (note plurality) and for you to get on top of this, it sounds like you need to experience chasing this woman and trying everything to get her back against all odds. Do it, it will be one of the best educations you can receive. And maybe you do get back together and live happily ever after, or at least you will be able to look back on this and say that you did everything you could and feel good about your efforts.

 

No regrets, that's the goal. You can reach that point either through personal experience gained in the present situation or by believing and following wisdom gained from such past experiences, either through your firsthand experiences or believing in those of others.

 

The only further applicable advice would be to take a little time away from this and collect your thoughts and feelings. Really think about this and your feelings. Look at it from an outside perspective too. Re-read all the posts here too a few times and think about what was said. Look through your grief and anguish and look at the situation for what it is here, whatever you see that to be.

 

If after that you still feel in your heart to chase this woman, go big man. Tell her you have "served your time" for your "mistake" with the weed, you've gone through unspeakable punishment with this, and tell her how you feel, the 10 reasons you love her, etc. Don't lollygag in trying to be "friends" or play games here. Figure out what's going on, what you want, and go for it. The result will be what it will be so just focus on the effort here. Lay it on the line, all of it.

 

And remember this effort is as much for you to find your own truth in your heart with this as it is to reconcile and start a new relationship with her.

[wayner427]

Thanks friscodj.

 

Your post made me feel better about my efforts.

 

I mailed that letter out, and now there's no looking back. If it all doesn't end well, I can at least say that I gave it my best.

[friscodj]

If it all doesn't end well, I can at least say that I gave it my best.

 

I've found when you do that, you get over things faster. You have a sound basis which you can fall back on when the grief starts piling up. You can only do all you can do, right? Just don't knock her up, knock her out, knock her off, or otherwise come accross like you might do such.

 

There's no pressing abuse issue here, no unhealthy situation percolating. Come or go with this, you'll be fine either way. So I say live your life on this one. And in the midst of this, you might get one or more other reasons why she decided to end this thing as well.

[lessy20]

Well I must say, reading your post reminded me of the past in a BIG way! I once broke up with a guy (it was a LDR too), I used his admittance of smoking as a justification or a reason to break up with him, because he had not done anything really to cause me to want to break up with him other than he was too clingy, and I was tired of the LDR. I didn't want to hurt him and tell him I just wasn't feeling the same way anymore, because he was planning on moving here to be with me, so I used his smoking as an excuse. It's very probable that she was doing the same thing.

[wayner427]

I'm thinking about her while I'm on my snowboarding trip.. It's a real bummer.

[cominguproses]

I'm sorry that your gf broke up with you. I know how devastating that is. Hopefully reading some posts here will help encourage you!

 

Personally, I think the fact that she couldn't accept your past is quite ridiculous. If you're not doing it NOW, i don't see why it is such a big deal. I would give it some time and let her think about it for herself -- she's got to realize that she can't control what happened in your life before she came along, and she has to learn that in order to love you she has to accept you fully. Please don't feel bad about something that you once did -- there's absolutely no use. You can't change the past. If she can't accept it, trust that there will be someone who WILL.

 

good luck

[strawberries789]

Wayner,

 

I think the fact that you were honest/open with your ex about your experiences with weed says so much more about you as a person than the fact that you experimented with something.

 

The important things is that you were honest with you. You didn't hide something from your past, you didn't lie to her, you were truthful and real. Please remember that!

 

With my ex...I didn't mind if he did things in his past, but what I truly wanted was for him to be honest/open with me about it (which he wasn't...he ended up being dishonest with me about a lot of things...that is what led us to break up, the dishonesty not the fact that he may have tried a few things or done things in his past).

 

Your honesty/truthfulness says a lot about your character, and if she doesn't value that, then I'm sorry but that truly is her loss.

 

Please try and enjoy yourself on your snowboarding trip. Focus on you and take care of yourself.

[wayner427]

Thanks a lot strawberries. That really helps me feel better about myself.

 

I've always been honest with her, and I've felt that she was the same with me back. I do believe that honesty is a very important part of a relationiship... much more important than something that happened in my past.

 

Sometimes I do think it may really be for a different reason.. It is just really hard for me to get my mind off of it all.. I'd say that it is on my mind about 15 hours a day.. yikes!

[friscodj]

Sometimes I do think it may really be for a different reason.. It is just really hard for me to get my mind off of it all.. I'd say that it is on my mind about 15 hours a day.. yikes!

 

Hey Wayne,

 

You know, I overanalyze things like this too. And I'm not sure it's such a bad thing. You have to process this grief and the situation, you have to face it, and you're doing that. At the same time, you are essentially burning it out of your system by exhausting yourself thinking about it so much. Then when you do get over this, you'll really be over it, because you'll just be sick and tired of being sick and tired!

 

You'll be fine dude...no worries...

[wayner427]

Now I keep having thoughts in my had that maybe it's because she found somebody else before she broke up with me.. or that she's dating someone else now. It really is driving me crazy thinking about it.

[friscodj]

Now I keep having thoughts in my had that maybe it's because she found somebody else before she broke up with me.. or that she's dating someone else now. It really is driving me crazy thinking about it.

 

Did you have the dreams yet? Of her being happy with another man? Wake up in the middle of the night because of them not sure if they are truth or fiction? The visions during the day of this happening that seemingly randomly appear? Or when you go out, thinking you see her with someone else when it really isn't her?

 

These are tricks the demons of grief have played on me before. She always looks perfectly beautiful in my memories. Every break up I've had I've thought she was with another man, happy, while I was alone and miserable. Every time...

 

And every time I keep resisting these thoughts and pressing forward towards my journey to the promised land of indifference with the situation and with her new situation, of a healed and healthy heart, and of new hope. And everytime that promised land is reached...you'll get there too...

[strawberries789]

Wayner,

 

I know how you feel about thinking of all the scenarios about why your ex acted the way she did...I was feeling the same anxiety about my ex and someone told me on this forum that there can be 2 billion reasons why...please do not hurt yourself by going through them, because the truth is that right now the thing that matters most is YOU!

 

Don't drive yourself crazy...you have to be good to your body/mind/soul right now and take care of yourself...

 

Remember, that your only "crime" was being honest, nothing else...if someone cannot value that, the fact that you are honest then that person has lost out on a great person - an honest person - that is you!

 

Just keep telling yourself that you didn't do anything wrong...in fact you did something right! you told her the truth, and that is all that you can ask of yourself....honesty/trust are the most important things in a relationship, and you have those qualities

 

enjoy your skateboarding trip..post back and let us know how you are