She Needs Time and Space..(Loosing Battle?)

[CanadianGuy]

Hello All,

 

First of all, great site! Stumbled upon this a few days ago, and reading the threads (especially those that mirror my own life) have definetly helped. So, here's my own story...

 

Alyson and I dated for almost three years. It was a blind date set up by a mutual friend, and it just went from there. We both live in Ottawa, Ontario Canada. This city is neither of ours home town, with hers being a 7 hour car ride away, and mine just under 4. I have lived here for the last five years, and do call Ottawa home now, especially since my parents retired to the area two years ago. I have an excellent friendship base, and most of my best friends also live here. Alyson had just moved to Ottawa six months before meeting me, making the trek up here for a job and since her best friend also resided here.

My age is 33, Alyson is 26. The relationship was a good one - lots of things in common, and she is very mature for her age. We both moved in together almost two years ago, bought two cats, the whole nine yards.

Issues arose during the relationship various times. Alyson actually came close to breaking it off twice before, mainly because she wasn't happy here. We moved on from there, and tried to put it behind us. This is the thing - Alyson is extremely close to her family. Bottom line. She hates the fact that there is so much distance between her and them, and not to mention that all of her "true" friends live back home also. Although she has made friends with mine, it really isn't the same.

Anyways, towards the last six months of our relationship, things weren't going so well. Alyson just wasn't happy, whether it be with her job (she couldn't get a permanent contract), her lack of friends and missing her family. This seemed to really affect us, as when she wasn't happy with herself, she often projected that onto us, or moreso, me. I guess we became pretty complecent those last few months. Not doing a ton of things, being content to sit on the couch and watch T.V.

Towards the end of October, Alyson decided she needed to leave. She wanted to move back to her hometown, to be close to family and friends, and get a new job. Basically, she wanted to find herself again, as she was not happy with the way her life was. She still loved me immensely, but wasn't 100% sure that "I was the one." Anyways, she made her decision, started applying for jobs back home, yet we remained living together. (She said she would move out immediately if I wanted her too, but I said I was ok with her staying as long as she needed.)

During the four weeks before her physically leaving, we had many heart to hearts. We finally discussed the reasons why we weren't working out, and although a lot came down to her desire to be somewhere else, a few issues where our lack of finances (she wants to be with someone that can support, and I should feel the same), our lack of movement over the last three years (no house, and no real savings) and our struggles with communication. Well, for those last four weeks, we finally opened up. We told each other what we wanted from each other, what we needed. It felt so good to finally understand. And we had an amazing four weeks, minus the tears of course. Our sex life was phenominal, our talks were great and we actually did fun things.

She moved out Oct. 28. That was tough day for both of us. Up to that point I asked her numerous times - "if this is the end for us, then I need you to be honest with me and convey that." She said she couldn't say that, because she didn't know what was going to happen. That she needed to work on herself first, then figure out if there is a chance for us. Numerous times she would tell me she doesn't know what the future holds for us, and that many people take a break and get back together, and that many of her friends have done so. She feels that she is a failure in life. She isn't where she wants to be, especially career related, yet she is still young in my eyes. She even said that she knows that Ottawa is 1000 times better than Sarnia (a small, crappy town bordering Michigan), but her family doesn't live in Ottawa. She mentioned how she is scared she is making the biggest mistake of her life leaving, that she may regret it, but she needs to do. To be honest, I respect her for that, and I do want her to be happy.

Anyways, two weeks before her moving out, she came to my best friends wedding with me. That meant a lot. The thing is, we still love each other, care about each other immensely, and all those other things. I just think she needs to figure out what she wants.

A week after she moved out, she had to come back to Ottawa for a medical appointment. She came to visit, and ended up staying the night. We had a fun time.

It has now been one month since we have seen each other. I'll admit, it's been really tough on me, because I do want her back so badly. I feel that we recognized what was wrong with us, and what we really want from each other. Those first few weeks we did communicate. She always says she misses me, loves me and thinks about me. She just needs time and space, and she appreciates that I respect that. I have gotten more firmly on my feet financially (I am self-employed) over the last month, and this was a committment I made to her that I would do before she left.

I honestly don't think she knows what she wants, and I don't think she was being malicious by giving me her answer to my question of "is this the end?"

We are definitely best friends, and mean a lot to each other, so this is why I guess it doesn't seem like a typical breakup.

Anyways, we did breakup on her birthday, which really sucked. I had planned a trip away for the weekend to Quebec City, before knowing that the breakup was going to happen. After we split, I told her that the trip was still there when the time is right for us, and we want to make that step. Well, last week we ended up talking on the phone for three hours. She says she wants to go to Quebec City, but right now she is just not ready, and she wants to be ready so that we do have a good time. She still hasn't found a job, and I think that is hard on her right now. I don't think she will be ready for anything with us, until she gets that part of her life in check.

I have told her I would move to Sarnia. She needs to find out if that is right for her. We both discussed on the phone that if we are to do this again, it needs to be right this time, because we don't want to go through what we have for the last month all over again.

After the phone call, I made the mistake of calling her the next day and getting somewhat emotional, asking her when she will be ready etc. She got a little angry with that, saying she doesn't know, and that she needs time. I understand that. I wrote a quick email after that apologizing, saying that she knows all there is to know from my end, and that this would be the last communication from me. I said I want to respect her request for space and time, and that I am giving her that now. I told her I want her to want me for her own reasons, not mine, and that I hope she will recognize that one of these days, and be the one to contact me. It's been a week and a half since I sent that, and although it's been tough not to call, I feel that this is what I need to do right now.

She has said numerous times that it would be easier if she could just say that this is the end, but that's not how she feels, so she can't. Even the card she left for me the day she moved out said..."I know our time isn't over, but I just don't know what the future holds.."

So, I guess I wait. It's tough for sure, and I'm trying to get on with my own life. I do know that for us to work out, she needs to be happy and ok with her own life first, then she may, or may not, want to work on us. It's a chance I have to take, because she means that much to me.

I guess we'll see what the future holds...

 

Sorry for the long winded speech. It felt good to get this off my chest.

 

Thanks for reading,

Justin

[papalazarou]

Keep hanging on in there. I dont want to give you false hope but it sounds like there is something there.

 

All you can do is carry on with No Contact and hope that she may want a reconciliation. If not then at least this time apart may "heal" you...

[flower99]

Stay strong & hang in there.

Carry on with No contact, While she focuses on herself, you can focus on yourself..heal, grow...See where the future takes you both (:

I wish you a lifetime of happiness