Anniversary Disappointment :(

[Blue Eyes 44]

Hello All. I was hoping to get some feedback and opinions on something that happened to me this weekend. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read my post and respond. I really appreciate getting outside advice

 

Well yesterday was my boyfriend and my one year anniversary. We spent the whole day together - went out for lunch and a really nice dinner. We also went to a really nice local park and looked at Christmas displays and lights, etc. We split the cost of everything all day long since we are both somewhat low on funds lately. Anyway, prior to our anniversary we never discussed presents or anything like that but I just assumed we would get each other something (even if it was homemade). So I made my boyfriend a very special, personal gift. I decorated this tin with pictures of us over the past year and inside it was 365 pieces of paper. Each paper had one reason why I love him - 1 for every day of the past year. I did it because I thought he would like it. Anyway, he did not get me anything - not even a card. It wasn't that he forgot about our anniversary...he just didn't get me anything.

 

On the way home last night he said that he felt bad for not getting me something. He also said that he wanted his "gift to me" to be a nice, fun day full of things that I would like. He said that he was disappointed that some of the things he wanted to do did not work out because of time conflicts, etc. He wanted to take me to a Christmas play that he knew I would like since I like plays but we couldn't make it because of our dinner reservation. However, this is very sweet but he did not even look into the play until the day before our anniversary so it was a little late to change our reservation since the restaurant is always packed on Saturday nights.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short: he did not get me anything, not even a card. I spend hours and hours making his present and when I gave it to him I wasn't even excited about giving it to him because of how I was feeling. Needless to say, I do not feel happy. I feel really disappointed and sad in how our anniversary turned out and I do not feel that he appreciates me in the way I deserve to be appreciated. I understand that everyone shows their appreciation in different ways, but come on, he didn't even get me a simple card. He says he still wants to take me to this Christmas play but I feel like it's too little too late.

 

I would appreciate any feedback on this situation. Thanks a lot.

[Momene]

My attitude to this is that the one day per year is not the thing you need to look at but the whole 365 days. Now if more than 200 of these are a disappointment, then you have a problem.

[caro33]

Well, I certainly understand your frustration about this, but I will come back to the slightly trite observation that people show love differently. You have noted this yourself and I know this sounds like a copout, but it's true.

 

There have been people comment on this before, and some book has been mentioned (anyone?), but the upshot is that he might appreciate you enormously, but he might not see the value in the same things you do.

 

If you sit down and think about it, what does he normally do to make you feel special? How does he like to demonstrate his love? Worth weighing up this one failure against his other behaviour patterns.

[Blue Eyes 44]

I would also like to add that although he says he loves me and I do believe it...this is not the first failure on his part. In August he forgot my birthday and last month he forgot another special occasion. Needless to say, he does not have a great track record and each time something happens I feel worse and worse and have more and more doubts. I understand that some people have bad memories...but this is only our first year together and don't people try to impress each other in the first year? If we stay together, I worry what he will forget in 1 or 2 years down the road.....

 

I just don't feel that special to him I guess....

[Momene]

I don't doubt that you do feel special to him but anniversaries obviously are not special to him. As your expectations are totally different, you need to communicate about it.

[Magic_star829]

Hey there, first of all...I would feel the exact same way had I spent so much time making a personal gift, and then received nothing, not even a card from him! I think it's normal for you to feel that way, and it sounds as if you are unhappy...forgetting your birthday also??? Wow!! And yes, he should have been more prepared because obviously he knew the date was coming up. I think I'd take an inventory of the past year as others suggested....and see how much of the time you were happy vs disapointed/unhappy and have a talk with him about this, does he know how you feel? I know sometimes for me I tend to say it's ok even when it's not and then they just think it's no big deal and do it again...But bottom line I think you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel special and appreciated...and if this guy isn't doing it...maybe it's time to move on

[bitbit]

the number one thing i've learned it that guys DO NOT know anything. period. they don't know that little comment they made two days ago about your mother is still making you mad. they don't know them forgetting to hold the door open for you at lunch the other day is making u angry with them. they only know what you spell out for them. it took me a long time to figure out that when i was mad at my boyfriend, when he asked me what was wrong and i said,"nothing", he really thought it meant nothing. i think our number one mistake as women is not telling them directly what hurts our feelings. i had this same problems w/ my b/f and our 6 month anniversary. he couldn't afford a gift at the time so i told him to make me a card. i wrote him a sweet letter and gave it to him, and he had nothing to give to me. i was heartbroken, but i figured, oh he forgot. he'll do it tomorrow. nope... he figured he'd give me my card when he bought my present. to make a long story short, once i told him how i felt he showed up at my house at 5 am with a project display board that he'd made into a card

[caro33]

No offence to the men here, and I know people are different, but my experience tallies with this. Women need to tell men what they want, so make sure you help your guy, remind him about the impending important date rather than staying quiet and being upset he didn't remember on his own.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I would also be dissappointed. It's not the dollar value of the gift that counts so much or even necessarily the amount of time spent on it as the thoughtfulness that went into it. And he didn't give you anything at all! Nada. For one year. That kindof sucks. I mean don't you guys even have a dollar store in your city? A broke person couldv'e gotten you a cute gift for a buck. (they even have cute cuddly teddybears there!)

 

Anyway that said I do agree with the other people that said people express themselves differently, and you should look at the whole picture. If he is generally a very good bf, then he has room to fail a bit in other areas depending on how serious the issue is of course.

[Blue Eyes 44]

Just for the record - I did remind him of the date...probably bi-weekly over the last month because I know how forgetful he can be. I even made him write it on his calendar in his bedroom. So, he can not claim ignorance on this one. He was well aware of the date and the siginificance of the day.

 

And also for the record, for my birthday he also had it written on his calendar and we talked about what we were going to do on my birthday only TWO days before. However, he still managed to forget that one.

[cc2006]

No offence to the men here, and I know people are different, but my experience tallies with this. Women need to tell men what they want, so make sure you help your guy, remind him about the impending important date rather than staying quiet and being upset he didn't remember on his own.

 

Guy here.

 

I agree 100%.

 

Cliche I know, but men and women are just programmed differently. You folks usually love sentimental things and remember special days and we love functional/useful things and remember to check the oil in the car.

 

That is why we *need* each other. You women usually do the stuff we don't, and we usually do the stuff you don't. We make up for each other's shortcomings.

 

The best and most long-lasting relationships I've seen in my life contain scenes like this:

Woman: "Did you get your sister a card for her birthday?"

Man: "Oh crap, I forgot. Is it this Wednesday?"

Woman: "Thursday. Don't worry, I got one from both of us. You always forget that stuff."

Man: "Thanks hon."

Woman: "Where are the car keys, and my purse, and my shoes?"

Man: "I've got all of them right here, you always forget this stuff."

 

I know .. it probably sucks not getting something on a day that is special to you. He maybe honestly didn't think you two were exchanging gifts? I dunno'. Talk about it with him. Don't just figure he knows how upset you are, or sit there and fume inside about it because you'll just get more upset at him and it'll cause problems.

 

I've done it though. I've completely forgotten days that were special to people I've dated. It was an accident. I've also not given people gifts. Now? I'm pretty up front about it, I tell people, "Look, I'm not into holidays. If they're really special to you I'll celebrate if I must, but you'll have to remind me and make sure I know what I need to do or I'll totally blank." Sure its probably lame, but I've usually got 200 other things on my mind and lose track.

 

I'd rather spend a weekend in bed, or a day doing 100% things my significant other wants to do for a special day, than make a macaroni picture of us under a sunset and have her not like it ... or spend a week or two trying to not have my head explode while I wonder what kind of jewelry matches what she has, and what her taste is this month, or what size everything she wears is and if she'd think something I bought is fugly or not.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well to be honest it doesn't sound like he's putting your feelings very high on his priority list. Maybe he just needs to grow up or something?

 

Do you realise that if he would have saved up less than 1/3 penny per day during your relationship he could have bought you a gift or a card.

[arwen]

Well, I am more forgetful about dates and b-days than my bf. Maybe I have a unique man on my hands, but I don't know. It sounds a bit worrisome to me that you would have to remind your bf of your anniversary and b-day. Are there other things in the relationship that worry you?

 

Ilse

[SarahRose]

I don't really buy the "because I'm male, I'm inept" excuse. I find people remember what is important to them. You even reminded him.

 

I wonder if he will forget to gift you on Krissy? Surely he would remember that date.

 

You could bring it up to him but I'm not sure what excuse he could really have after you even reminded him.

[Blue Eyes 44]

Thanks all who have offered their advice so far.

 

Yes, there are other things in the relationship that worry me from time to time. It's mostly just little things but they worry me nonetheless. For example, I will often text message my bf and will not receive a reply from him...in fact he does not even acknowledge the message with a thank you or even a "I got your text today." It's almost as if it didn't even happen. Sometimes this same thing happens with me calling him and him not returning my call.

 

I guess I just feel like maybe I put a lot more into this relationship than he does and I am really sad about that. I do not feel that appreciated or special to him. Many of you asked me what he does to make me feel special or appreciated and I can't think of many things...he does not call or text me that often, he sometimes does sweet things like heat my car up before work, but these sweet things are usually few and far between. I usually have a good time with him when I am feeling that things between us are good because he is a lot of fun. But lately I have not been feeling that happy even when I am with him. And to make matters worse, he really is clueless. He has no idea if I am ever upset or sad or mad...he has absolutely no idea....I bet he even has no idea that I am upset about this weekend...

[caro33]

This sounds like a lonely place to be for you, and I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I don't want to be quick to say he doesn't care, because whether we women like it or not, some people, and many men in particular, just don't have the same sentimentality for some things. And maybe he thinks he's doing heaps of stuff to show he loves you, but because you don't 'see' those things as special, you guys just aren't making the connection. Are you sure you are giving him enough credit?

 

I have no idea what's going on here, and I am certainly not saying you are overreacting. However, I think it's simplistic for people to say 'well he's not valuing the same stuff you so he's obviously doesn't care enough about you'. That is not always the case. I think the issue is more a matter of articulating what you need and expect, and that includes 'honey what did you want to do for our anniversary? I am organising something special, I hope you like it'. That sends him the message - 'go do something, I am expecting some effort'.

 

If you have done everything you can, been clear, direct, and also sent all sorts of other messages to back it all up, and he isn't playing, then yes, maybe you have a problem. If this is a big deal and it is not getting resolved, maybe he's not the guy for you after all. Coming to that conclusion may be hard, but it is also a lot more practical than quietly hoping he just 'gets' it at some stage, and hoping your feelings don't get hurt in the meantime. You are being sent a clear message about what he values, the issue is for you to decide if that is good enough.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Do you two live together? Honestly I can't imagine being with a guy that long and him not acknowleging my b-day or our 1 year anniversary. Maybe he does care about you, but maybe he's prone to take things for granted once he's already gotten them (such as you). I really don't think all guys are like that. I'm not suggesting you should leave him, but my guess is that if you did, he'd all of a sudden shape up.

[silentalways]

speaking as a dude, and one that does the 'random act of kindness' thang - i think that dudes that do that place more import on recognizing and appreciating someone at 'all' times and it is one 'reason/excuse' why certain 'dates' may not appear to be as important to us [they are - we just need to be reminded more often]. if it is something important to u make sure u communicate it and in a way that it is clear that while random is great, u have different 'ways' of being shown love and he will get if [probably the third time if he is one of those lovy dovy dreamer cats]. hope this helps.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

speaking as a dude, and one that does the 'random act of kindness' thang - i think that dudes that do that place more import on recognizing and appreciating someone at 'all' times and it is one 'reason/excuse' why certain 'dates' may not appear to be as important to us [they are - we just need to be reminded more often]. if it is something important to u make sure u communicate it and in a way that it is clear that while random is great, u have different 'ways' of being shown love and he will get if [probably the third time if he is one of those lovy dovy dreamer cats]. hope this helps.

 

I'm pretty sure she said she's reminded him of her bday and their anniversary both on several occasions. He even had them on his calendar. So how could he possibly not have known they were important to her. Further, does anyone really not already know that those dates are important?

[VeganBohemian]

This exact same thing happened to me, but I didn't get him anything either because I didn't think he got me anything since he did not mention presents.

[Blue Eyes 44]

No we do not live together.

 

And yes, I DID REMIND him of my birthday AND our anniversary on numerous occasions!! Unless he is so self-absorbed or extremely forgetful, there is no way he can claim ignorance about either occasion. I guess it also makes me feel like when we are apart he does not think of me too often. Because if he did would things like my birthday or our anniversary not come to mind? I know that I always think about him when we are apart. But, in the case of our anniversary, it was not that he forgot about it entirely, he just did not buy me a present or even get me a card.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

To be perfectly honest, I were dating a guy for quite a while and my bday came around and he knew it because I told him, and he didn't bother to get me even the cheapest little gift, not even a hand picked wildflower, nada! with no explaination or anything? I would probably not be too pleased and very likely dump him. Its just not about the prezy, its about respect, and its about valuing you.