Bringing current girl around "ex"...

[WantToBeLuved]

I messed around with this girl I met at my job eariler on in the year soon after she got out of a LTR. After about 5 or 6 months, she called it off because it was too early and she was still thinking about the way her and her ex ended (very bad break up.) She said she does like me and does have feelings for me, but it's just too early for her to be with someone that way. Since then, I left the job. We have small chats everyone once in a while, but just small talk.

 

Six months after that, I meet this AWESOME girl online. We had 3 great dates over the past 3 weeks. We click so well and it's going great. Now I've been invited to go to a get together with my old co-workers (dinner and ice skating) and I know that the first girl will be there... She actually told me about it. I'd really like to bring the new girl with me because she's so fun and would enjoy it plus she'll get to meet some of my old co-workers that are still my friends, but I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate or not. Especially since pretty much everyone that is going to the hang out knows that the first girl and I use to mess around. Should I just show up with her, tell her and the new girl the situation, or should I just not bring her around at all??? Thx in advance and I hope this is the correct forum for this...

[caro33]

That's a tough one.

 

If your motives are really as pure as they sound, then why not invite her. I do think you might want to ask the new girl what she thinks though - just say something like you'd love to take her, but an ex of yours will be there and you don't want her to feel weird about it, what does she want to do?

 

Thing is, if you don't invite her you never know what she might hear later on, what conclusions she might come to re you trying to keep your options open with your ex. I say, be upfront, but don't make too big a deal of it.

 

I would also prioritise the new girl over the old one in terms of what you say about the get-together and who you are taking. The ex made her choice about you already, she doesn't need any special information about your motivations here.

[Jayar]

DEFINITELY invite her, but also DEFINITELY tell her (tactfully) about your history with the other girl so she isn't taken by surprise. Good luck!

[StrandedinON]

Either talk to them both or don't take her.

 

If either of them are not okay with the situation and its potential for drama.. don't take her.

[WantToBeLuved]

I just found out today that girl number 1 actually set up the get together. I think it would only be fair that I let her know I'm bringing someone....right???

[caro33]

I just found out today that girl number 1 actually set up the get together. I think it would only be fair that I let her know I'm bringing someone....right???

 

Yes maybe. Depends how organised/formal the event is. I guess the rule I would suggest is that whatever you do with this issue, make more effort for new girl. Yes, call original girl if you must, but you really should do what you can to be sure that if all your behaviour was transparent to both women, that:

 

(a) original girl would be under no illusions re you having feelings for her, and that she knows you are taken, and

 

(b) new girl knows she and her feelings, are your priority, and you have not taken the other girl's feelings more seriously than hers.

 

Is there some part of you that still wants the original girl? Are you looking for a reason to get in touch? Or is there a part of you that wants to show off to the original girl that you are happy with someone else? If you have any of these feelings I would look hard at your motivations and ask if any of this stuff about both at the get-together is a good idea.

 

If you don't feel like this, if your intentions are 'pure' as I mentioned above and original girl is old news and just a 'friend', and you want to make things work with new girl, then please just make sure no one can accuse you of behaviour that LOOKS like you have a foot in both camps. That means keeping it business-like with old girl while new girl is in the picture.

[WantToBeLuved]

I do not have a hidden agenda here at all. I really want it to work with the new girl. But girl #1 isn't a bad person. I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to throw the new girl in her face. I just want this girl to meet some of my friends and I want my friends to meet her because if things keep going as well as they are with girl #2, she WILL be my girlfriend in the near future.

[caro33]

I do not have a hidden agenda here at all. I really want it to work with the new girl. But girl #1 isn't a bad person. I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to throw the new girl in her face. I just want this girl to meet some of my friends and I want my friends to meet her because if things keep going as well as they are with girl #2, she WILL be my girlfriend in the near future.

 

That sounds great, my original advice still stands, for what it's worth. I'm not saying you should treat girl #1 rudely, or with disrespect, not at all. Just saying that you need to be aware how this looks to girl #2 and avoid the pitfalls that a number of people fall into by allowing their current squeeze to see behaviour that LOOKS like they're not over the ex. I'm sure you'll be fine.