Need help recovering trust

[Sweet_e_pea]

I'm really struggling with moving on after being cheated on and I'm just not sure how my marriage is ever going to be strong again. Any and all advice welcome. Here's my tale, from my perspective (warning crazy-long story ahead):

 

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We married when I was nearly 22, she was 23. Now, 10 years later we have two kids (7 and 5). We've moved away from family, but I've found a six-figure job that allows us to live fairly comfortably and has allowed her to stay home with the children.

 

About a year and a half ago, my wife nearly had a meltdown She said the pressures of being with the kids nearly 24-7 for six-plus years was getting to her and she needed time to do things away from the kids. As we didn't have any family nearby to help with the kids (and, at the time, no reliable sitters) that often meant doing things apart at times for recreation.

 

So, she's been increasingly involved in local groups (Moms clubs, pta, etc.) and occasionally been taking trips for herself with her friends. She went with an old college friend (female) on a cruise in April, but nothing out of the ordinary. At the same time, I need to mention, she's embarked in an aggressive weight loss plan and in a year and a half's time, she loses nearly 130 pounds (down from nearly 300).

 

That takes us to early this year. Our relationship seems pretty good. The fights we have are few, but heated, and all circle around where we live. My wife really misses our family and often says so. She wishes we had more money, less debt. More options to just up and move.

 

This year has brought plenty of turmoil: My sister commits suicide in Jan., my job begins to change radically, my wife has a treacherous heart procedure done and this fall, my kids both begin school full time. So it's been hectic. But there are plenty of bright spots: We celebrate our 10th anniversary with a week-long trip to Vegas, our sex life is the best its ever been, and my wife and I are very active and healthy.

 

Early October is where it turns. A friend (female) has won tickets to a very small-venue concert with my wife's favorite band. I can't win tickets for myself, but no biggie cause I know she'll have fun.

 

So, I wait up for her, till 2 a.m. (Bars close at 2 here.) No answer on her cell, I start to get worried. But I head off to bed because someone will have to get the kids rolling in the morning. She rolls in at 2:30, smelling smokey and acting a bit weird. She hops in the shower, makes a phone call and rolls into bed. She's had way too much to drink and she's always a frisky person when she's drunk, so we have some of the most akward sex of our lives. Eventually, I try to pry for more details on her night, she says she's tired and we'll talk tomorrow and she drifts off to bed.

 

So I drop her at her friend's house (to pick up her car) after taking the kids to school and she said she'll be home soon. She's acting weird, and I ask her what did she do to embarrass herself (she's prone to doing weird things when the band is around). Later, she says. She arrives back home an hour later, and I confront her. After dodging around the issue, she says she was hangin out with the band after the show -- lots of one-on-one time -- and the lead singer kissed her. Twice. No biggie, right? I flip out on her. (Her whole story is a bit more drunken fun and excitement, but that's what it boils down to.) She proceeds to tell all her friends about it -- even my friends and brother -- insisting I'm being a spaz about it. And that "It was a celebrity" and it doesn't count.

 

Clearly, many of her friends don't concur and it prompts a "here's where our relationship really is" chat where we both put everything on the table. She says, I haven't been there for her, I'm not as attentive, that I haven't been keeping up my appearance, that I'm not providing for her. And that all of that, combined with the drunken celebrity of it, was what caused the post-concert face-locking. Basically, it was a really good dialogue where all of our ills were aired and we both promised to change going forward.

 

And the change was instantaneous -- for both of us. If we had only talked through these issues earlier, our relationship for the past year would have been so much better.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks. In the weeks following, my wife goes off for a long-planned, yearly meetup she has with old college friends. This is the first trip, in a long time, where she doesn't take the laptop I bought her for Xmas. I have my own from work, but it's on the fritz.

 

I use hers and notice she's been logging into an e-mail address I've never seen her use. I try to access it (I know this is bad) -- she and I only use a few passwords, but I can't get in. I ask her about it -- she's not sure about it (she registers for so much junk that have different logins, I'd actually buy this answer). So I let it slide, for now.

 

Fast forward to mid week. After she denies all knowledge of the account again, claiming she has no idea what it's for, I tell her maybe I'll try to hack it if I have time. She laughs and says go ahead. Well, an invitation like that is all I needed.

 

After 10 years of marriage, I know her father's middle name, her mom's maiden name, the last four of her social and any other potential security question. So, within moments, I realized this is an account she set up. After resetting the password, I log in to find more than three dozen e-mails she's been trading with some guy she met at an event in Feb.

 

The e-mails are both damning and saving at the same time: They clearly point to the facts that: 1) My wife broke off the relationship after our talk earlier in the month. 2) They never had sex (though they talked about it) and 3) My wife always in her e-mails says she's conflicted and doesn't want to hurt me. Don't know how that makes me feel. And, after confronting my Mrs. of 10 years, I'm told it's someone she saw in person once, made out with "a little bit" with "over the clothes touching" and had kept in contact with since. She never saw him again. Thought about it. But that was it. She said he just made her feel special.

 

My wife was very contrite. Begging me not to leave her. Said she ended it weeks ago (with the phone bill and e-mail traffic confirming) and that she loves the new relationship we've come to have.

 

So, after the super-long rant, here's my conundrum: I love our new relationship, too. The weeks between the two events were some of the happiest in years. I love spending time with her and our family.

 

Just lingering in the back of my mind now, is can I really trust her? Has she really told me everything? (If she hasn't, do I really want to know?) Are her deceitful ways all over (she talks in one of the e-mails about how she had to be sneaky to talk to him)? This guy, who lives way out of state now, has clearly moved on (apparently, his interest waned when he offered to come back to the state for a week and my wife rebuffed his attempts for a hook-up). There are some questions -- like how she ended up telling one of her friends about this affair -- that she won't answer ("I don't remember how it came up"), but otherwise, she's tackled everything I've thrown at her.

 

Again, thanks for reading. I don't really have an outlet to talk about his (except with my new-found counselor). I'm far too embarrassed to talk about this with my/our friends.

[puppeteer]

ugh...

 

is she in counseling? i think it would help her resolve her confusion about what she wants and needs.

 

 

as for you...you are always going to have this in the back of your head....can you trust her?

 

as far as i can see from what you have written, i don't think she's trustworthy and will simply look for more clandestine ways to cheat.

 

i'm sorry for what you are going through...

 

really...the best thing for both of you is counseling if you are both intent on saving your marriage.

 

 

one other note....friends and family are there for you. i know it's difficult to talk about these painful and intimate problems, but you shouldn't be embarrassed about reaching out for advice from friends or family.

 

best to you.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it really looks like your wife is craving excitement and stimulation... some women don't handle being home with kids 24x7, especially with no family support nearby... having said that, it does not excuse her behavior... she has certainly been playing with fire...

 

also, when women have been really obese and lose a lot of weight, the extra attention from other men can go to their heads... they have felt like a big 'mommy' slob, and now they are feeling their oats... still not an excuse, but a possible explanation...

 

i find it very positive that she has re-committed herself to you and your marriage, but i do think some marriage counseling is in order whenever anyone has flirted with infidelity, even if the act never occurred...

 

you also might consider trying to get a job closer to family if that is a big problem for her... you seem to spend a lot of money on trips etc. for her (and away from you, not good if a person if thinking of cheating)... so maybe a job that pays a bit less, but near home where she has a support system to encourage other activities that fulfill her but are NOT of the single partying type pursuits like bands etc. she has been purusing...

 

..or perhaps time for her to consider a part time job and put the kids in daycare half day?

 

anyway, i would keep talking to her, and help her find some healthy outlets to give her mental stimulation, but not those that are more like a return to single life activities, and hence in troubled waters...

[Sweet_e_pea]

Thanks for the comments.

 

For me, the physical act of cheating -- in her case it was just some making out -- is far less important. In fact, a part of me feels like if she had had sex just once and that was it, I'd feel less hurt than having her carrying on for 9 months on the phone and e-mail. Because it would have been one mistake.

 

As it was, she called, texted and e-mailed a lot more time than they've ever spent in person. And that seems to hurt me even more. And it makes me feel very stupid for not seeing it.

 

I mean, I get the phone bill every month. And in hindsight, there were a few calls a month where I should have seen the number stand out (his area code was different than every other call on the bill). And the text messages -- clearly listed on the bill -- would have been a dead giveaway (though she only had this service for two months before she broke it off).

 

I also feel really bummed because -- if my laptop hadn't broken down and I had to use hers one day while she was gone -- I'd probably would have never found out. Even when we had our alleged "put everything on the table" session, she didn't offer up this.

 

Though part of me wishes she would have had the sense to delete the emails. (She was smart enough to delete the text messages on her phone). Sometimes, I almost wonder if I'd be happier now not knowing.