Vent

[Belle]

I feel like there are two excuses I could not care less to hear again about why I can't find a good guy.

 

I hear: "you're too picky"

 

or even better:

 

"you're too intimidating. You're confident and you make more money than most of the guys. they want a gal who needs them."

 

 

 

I'm not too picky. I just don't want to settle for a guy that I can't see being happy with for the rest of my life because others do.

 

I don't think I'm intimidating. I don't understand this statement at all and I'm kind of stubborn and see it as an easy way for my friends to hide a character flaw I have that I'm unaware of. I guess I feel if a guy is truly interested, he'll muster up the courage. Others have done it in the past.

 

I'm kind of at a loss. I'm not jumping back on the horse that bucked me and I've forgotten how to date. I've been asked out a few times in the past couple of months, but by younger guys that I can't see a future with or am not attracted to.

 

So where do I begin again? I'm usually pretty friendly but maybe I am missing something. I thought guys liked confident women. Is it true that men would prefer a woman who makes less and isn't terribly secure in herself?

[Grokker]

It's really not about you or how you dress or how much money you make... it's about what you show a guy on a personal level.

 

I can sense needy, clingy women who aren't self-sufficient (psychologically, financially or whatever) from a mile away... and when they express that neediness to me, it's a complete turn-off.

 

But you know what I'm a total sucker for? A woman who I can see is quite obviously successful, independent, strong, sure of herself and her place in the world.... BUT shows me, only *me*, a special vulnerability and demonstrates that she is happiER to be with me than without.

 

I met a woman like that a little while ago... and it's completely irresistible.

[Sonidos]

I love the answer Grokker.... I have nothing to add to that Belle.

 

Find a guy youre attracted to and if the opportunity arises... test it.

[The Law]

Guys like girls who are easy to get.

 

This goes in totally against who you are, and its all about chemistry.

 

Imagine you have a cylinder and water.

 

And imagine you have a pen in your hand. Now draw a line which represents your demands, the higher you draw the line on the cylinder, the greater your demands.

 

You have 3 buckets of water which represents guys you like, one with almost nothing, one with medium amount and one with full amount.

 

Now if you would have drawn the line way up, then only the bucket with full water would reach the top of the cylinder, if you drew it medium , two buckets would forfill your demands, way low 3 buckets.

 

So you see, the more you lower your standards, the more chance you have in meeting a guy. Im not saying drop all your standards, standards are good in that sense that they push out certain characteristics that you absolutely don't want in your life, however if you put it up too high, you will see only 1 or non of the buckets has the content to meet up with your demands.

 

In terms of dependance you score low also, maby you've heard of Pamela Anderson divorcing lately, heck all the Hollywood stars divorce on and off all the time,why is this? Well the answer is they don't 'need' eachother, financially they are independent and with people who can buy anything, don't bother to make an effort into making things right, rather just ditch what they dislike. Compared to the poor woman, who has to live with her abusive husband because he provides her with food. If you compare both, you'll see how some people are far more dependant on others then people who can have everything arranged in their lives solemnly.

 

This is what makes you so unattractive in terms of a relationship, you are a bussiness woman who has everything in her life arranged on her own, so basically this cancels out a lot of reasons for men to try to date you. Its true most men are ashamed if the lady earns more, although they can get used to it, it will cause 'pride' issues. Or in other words your basically a victim of your own succes. However this doesn't mean that you should give up your job and not at all to stay with a guy who treats you like trash. You still need to be like a castle gate and only open yourself up to good people/things/events and push out bad people/things/events out of your life.

 

So my advice would be lower your standards, and demands to the right level. And emotionally open yourself up to a nice guy. You are your own worst enemy in not getting a guy, because you have to allow a nice guy into your life.

[Belle]

Grokker,

 

Well, I was that woman with the last guy I liked a lot and somehow that wasn't enough. That's when everyone told me I was too independent and too intimidating. Too gets thrown around a lot when your friends don't really know the answers.

 

I'm very independent but at some point, I do want to let my guard down with a guy. I do want to need someone. But my friends tell me that it's my independence and confidence that make me appear not to need anyone. Glad to hear there are guys who dig it. I'm going to print this out and show them as proof.

[Belle]

The law,

 

I did lower my standards or I wouldn't have dated the last guy I dated. He was a poor student. And I think the money thing was the problem. I have several female friends who also make a lot more than their spouses but somehow, those men deal with it. On occasion, it shows they have issues with it but they love their wives so they man up and accept it.

 

I don't think my ex was very comfortable with the money thing. And I can't just wait around for a rich man to make me happy. I want a connection, and material things mean very little to me in terms of a connection.

 

Does this mean I have to continue to lower my standards? Keep meeting more guys who will never overcome their pride about the money factor? When I meet these guys they know nothing about me. They ask me out because they're attracted. I'm wondering if I shouldn't follow a friend's advice and start lying about what I do.

[Grokker]

Well, Belle... maybe that last guy just wasn't right for you. I know there are lots of men out there who simply have too many self-esteem issues that are aggravated by those sorts of situations.

 

We live in a society where achievement (particularly in the financial and career spheres) are equated with not only "success" but "power"... *especially* in the minds of men. A guy who didn't have a lot of self-worth might see you showing him that you need him and you're vulnerable to him, and not be able to trust in your sincerity because he doesn't believe in *himself* strongly enough.

 

If he has completely bought into the idea that you have more status/power than him, if that is the defining light in which he sees you, he'll be asking himself... being that she is more powerful than me, how could she possibly need me... maybe she's just playing with me?

 

The bottom line is, guys who are intimidated by you are probably not worth being with in the first place, because they certainly have flaws in the area of self-worth.

[Belle]

Grokker,

 

I think you're onto something. A friend of mine told me that I would need someone with strong self esteem who wouldn't resent me for who I am. I am terribly frustrated with seeing strength as a weakness. I like who I am but see it as problematic lately.

 

My ex did have fairly low self esteem. I don't know why. Before things went wrong, I thought the world of him. He made me feel a certain thing I hadn't felt in so long I had forgotten how it felt. But now his lack of self esteem has chipped away at mine. I question myself and wonder too often what's wrong with me that he couldn't overcome his weakness.

 

If many men have this issue, I don't know the way around it. I don't know what more I can do to let a guy know, in time, that I do need him. Doing that without being needy is a really tall order. I'm not terribly dependent, but in the end, we all do need someone.

[Night Pumpkin]

I have to say that unfortunately, I know that a lot (not all) guys are turned off by women who are too independent. Many men feel they need to be providers. For me, I would only date a woman who is weaker financially and emotionally. Men find purpose in taking care of thier women. BUt if she isn't needly or clingy, then what purpose is there for having a relationship ???